To think a second baby would be too hard?

That's a lovely uplifting post. It's wonderful that being your children's mother has brought you such joy

We had three dreadful sleepers but age gaps of 3 and 5 years. Got started very late too! My feeling is that the really small age gaps which have been the fashion for the last couple of decades are parent killers and mean you don't enjoy your children as much as you could.

Hello,

My DS is nine months old and it was also so, so tough as you said! I had PND though but still hard and while my parents were amazing, they also work full time.

I always wanted a big family and I won’t lie for a while after DS was born, I was like no more! After he turned around 3 months, I got better; my medication started working and things just got easier.

I also worry about going through all that horror again with more babies but the truth is a few months of tough times is worth it for me to have a forever time with lots of kids.

I do want five kids though and that’s me even though the newborn phase does scare me a bit.

I am sure either way you will cope! It will be hard but you may be better prepared this time around. No one can judge you either way. It’s really your own decision and I just wish you and your family a world of happiness.

I think picture your family after the baby years and how does it look. For us, it was definitely worth the harder baby years (less than two year gap) to have two children and for them to have a sibling. I found the second much easier but that was luck rather than anything else.

Do you live with your partner, op?

Oh I’ve found it really hard. Our second is a lockdown baby and we already had a young toddler.

Having two has taken me the brink many times, it also tested our relationship so much. There were a lot of times we could barely look at each other because we were just so tired and worn down.

for me having two wasn’t twice the work it was 10 times the work, you physically struggle to comfort, feed, care for two babies at once. Especially when the youngest one begins to roll and move!

That said, we are out of the very hard couple of years now and I love that we have two. I love watching them together and my second is a total joy.

If you’re in a strong mental place, your relationship is strong and you can rely on your partner to be 50/50 with everything then it’s do able and honestly, every day is a new day and it gets easier week to week to week.

Lots of families have twins or multiples or 3/4/5+ children so I do think it comes down to personal capacity to cope and the ability to see the good stuff even when you’re bone tired, sick to death of everyone and still wearing ydays clothes!

And DC2 was a dream baby and nowhere near as much work as DC1.

I have 2 and they are 16 months apart. I knew I wanted 2 and so just thought I'd get it out of the way (also I was older) . I found the newborn stage fairly easy with 2 as you realise how much newborns sleep (DC1 was still waking 3 times a night).

It was hard from 7 months when they really start moving until youngest was 2 and now they are older, it's amazing as they play together all the time. Yes they fight sometimes but seeing them play together makes my heart full and means I can drink a coffee in peace. I wouldn't change a thing.

It's a roll of the dice. My first was a very easy baby, so when we had a happy surprise when he was 13 months, we thought "we can do this". The second baby was much harder work.

My point is don't assume the second will be as difficult. You've also learned a lot from the first.

It's busy but my second just gets carted along with whatever me and the toddler are doing and he loves it I'd kill for a break, I have no help and it's non stop but they are lovely together and love each other so much, I'm so pleased I did it

Obviously everyone varies. My personal experience, with a 3.5 year age gap is you're basically just resetting yourself back to the start but everything that's easier is cancelled out by everything that's harder. I have (and am) finding it very hard and we have nearby grandparents. Didn't help lockdown started shortly after number 2 I guess. But it's hard dealing with a baby and a child who's dealing with their life being changed. And it was much easier for dh or I to look after 1 while the other had a break than look after 2. We certainly won't be having a third.
Neither of them liked sleep though. 5yo is fine now.

Sorry DS2 was easier than DS1!

I have no advise. It myst have been so tough with covid.

I am a few years further down the road. Always wanted 2 or more but didn't envisage working full time alongside small kids and found it very stressful juggling everything. DS was a clingy baby/toddler and a bad sleeper. I hoped I would just fall pregnant again so the decision was made for me and it was just 'meant to be', but it never happened. We are now trying again but odds are low due to my age. If we can't have a second, I will grieve the family I pictured but I honestly don't know how I would have coped with a second when DS was small. I suspect my marriage and/or my mental health would have crumbled. I am lucky to have a healthy child and this will ultimately allow me to make peace with the way things turn out.

I was the same as you OP. DS1 was a nightmare baby in the early days. The one blessing was he slept through from early on.

We decided to have another. Our thinking was the nightmare stage didn't last forever. We knew what we were doing second time around and knew some things to do differently etc.

We have a two year age gap. DS2 was a much easier baby than DS2. But like I said, DH and I were more confident and patient second time around. I also knew it ended and I would tell myself constantly this will pass!

It's a lottery. You just have to decide whether to take the gamble. I have 2dc with a 2.5 year age gap, my youngest was 9mo at start of the pandemic.

You have to understand that you will have learned a lot and adjusted a lot, there's a much less steep learning curve second time because you know about caring for a baby, it's juggling two that is a challenge. It helps if your older one is at nursery quite a lot.

My second DC was an easier baby, made me realise how hard I had it first time round with sleep and feeding etc. You don't get any guarantees about whether you'll get a trickier one or easier one though!

In a way you'd probably get to go to baby groups and all the stuff you wanted to do first time round. I don't regret having a second but won't push my luck with a third! In some ways, two is easier than one. I think it can be a bit intense with a single child depending on you for everything, I can bounce between my two and they play with each other so the dynamics are interesting.

I had two in my 40s, and developed type 1 diabetes with the first so we did question having another. My family live abroad and his were not going to help (they didn't with his first two either), and my husband worked long hours and was frequently away. But my first was a 'good' baby in that he was happy and slept well. We had the next one 20 months later and she was much fussier and suffered from reflux so seemed like she spent much of her first three months crying. There were no health visitors with either child, though I did walk them to the clinic most weeks as something to do as much as anything!
So one baby may be totally different than the other. And you get through it because you have to. There are many happy sole kids out there, but I wanted mine to have a sibling and I couldn't imagine not having them both now. Parenthood is extremely hard - in fact I found babyhood they easiest phase. But worth it.

We have a 2 year age gap - I found my second baby even easier than the first, and my first I found very easy despite the fact he was a nightmare baby! You have more confidence snd experience, snd you find generally they just fit in. I’m expecting my third and hope it’s as easy. The first two adore one another.

I’m here contemplating #7 😬🤣🤣

2.5 years gap between DC1 and DC2.

I was very scared because I had a traumatic birth for DC1 with PTSD and PND.
But I really wanted a second child.

Best choice ever. DC2 was the puzzle piece we were missing.

I’ve had 2 children basically on my own, with no help or support from their father or anyone else, it’s the one positive about basically being left alone throughout my childhood, I never look for support and don’t expect it so I just get on with it by myself including giving birth. I think it comes down to personality, mine is such that I’m my own village I accept I don’t have a life without the children, I’ve not spent more then a few hours (whilst at school/nursery) without them, never had an evening out, not had my hair done since I was pregnant with my oldest as no time/money spend everything I have on them. And I wouldn’t change it for a life without them, I love being a mum, it cost me a career, my home, my whole life really and ive don’t it all solo, and I’m the happiest I’ve ever been, i was scared when I fell again, having to do it all alone with no support and another child, but there was a decent age gap and my eldest has shone as a big sister and I feel even fuller and more content, I’m glad I ignored the dads plea for me to terminate and I get to experience all the joys (well!) of being a mum to another person one

Your second baby won't be like your first baby. They're all different.

Your second baby might be a great sleeper! (Or not!)

A second baby is usually easier than the first, though, as you don't have to make all those decisions you made the first time - that's already done. e.g. breast or bottle? Co-sleep or not? Routine or go-with-the-flow? How on earth to you do shopping with a baby in a buggy? etc etc

You already know how you parent, and the solution to lots of logistical challenges, you don't need to work all that out again.

I’ve got a 2 Year old and a two month old if item known what I know now I would’ve waited but that’s my personal feelings

Having typed all of that... I sometimes wish for another surprise pregnancy. But I remind myself how ill I was with the first and quickly come to my senses! I'd love the option to just grow one in a backpack.....

I waited til mine was about 5 to try again. Firstly, my body is not very good at getting pregnant I think, first was a total surprise and I feel belatedly very lucky to have them. After over a year, pregnancy ended in an ectopic. The day after the surgery I decided I was done trying. These days we home ed and another kid would make things more difficult, but I also think the now 8yo really would like a sibling. Or, they think they do. In reality my one kid has some additional needs (you'd probably not know, though he has some conversational quirks!) and still needs me to get to sleep, sleeps v late etc. It's not for want of trying to establish routines etc so I genuinely think it's for the best over here, but I still have some sadness over not having more. I've reached a point where I've accepted there is no best path with it. I've had people tell me they wanted to urge all their friends to stop at one. I've had others have a 2nd and feel it was a totally different, better experience. It's really hard to know. I waited because I knew I couldn't have coped, and this was pre pandemic. We've also been partway down a fostering pathway in the past, before DC was in school, but our house is a bit of a mare in terms of what we'd need to do, where bedrooms are etc so we didn't pursue it. It's on my list for the future. I worked with kids before, a variety of different settings, and I sometimes feel a bit lost - but I've also learned where my limits are and found time for myself. Little teeny pockets. Currently daring to think about what I want to do and how to squeeze in something just for me that I've wanted to do for a very long time. No easy answers... get it down on paper maybe. I find it hard to keep it all in my head when I try and think it through, it's like one of those blackboards in a maths department