To think a second baby would be too hard?

You won't regret a second but you might regret not having a second!

I'm sorry, but this really annoys me. How could you possibly know this? OP could regret having a second. Or it could be turn out to be wonderful, or it could be somewhere in between. The point is you don't know how you're going to feel until it happens to you, so a stranger on the internet definitely can't tell someone how they're going to feel.

I see this so often on MN "you only regret the children you don't have". It's just not true. There have been many threads on here over the years from parents who wish they hadn't had DC or that they'd stopped at one.

So the question I need to ask myself is: is the family I wanted worth a year from hell?

@AgathaAllAlong, ime that year feels shorter than with first DC because you’re busier. (DC3’s baby year went in the blink of an eye )

The second baby is easy as you are calmer.

I see this a lot on MN. It's quite a sweeping generalisation and while it may be true for some, it definitely wasn't my experience and I can't be the only one.

We had DS when our DD was 4yo. In theory it should have been ideal, easy pregnancy followed by a lovely birth and easy recovery. DD was pretty independent and had just started school so I had time with the baby during the day. But I found the reality of going from one child to two incredibly hard, which came as a shock having been assured by so many people that second babies are easy and "just slot in". DS was definitely not easy- reflux, feeding issues, would scream unless I was holding him and walking up and down constantly (but hated the baby carrier), horrendous sleeper, wouldn't nap unless it was on me. Someone upthread said second time round it's easier as "you know all the tricks"...well, DS obviously didn't get that memo as none of the tricks that worked for DD worked for him. I felt like a clueless FTM again because he was such a different baby from my first, everything I thought I knew was suddenly wrong. I was exhausted and wracked with guilt that I had no time or energy for DC1. I found it much harder to shift the baby weight after the second which affected my confidence. Having a second child definitely tested our marriage, whereas I don't think the arrival of the first baby did, if anything it brought us even closer. I developed PND (another shock as I didn't have it with my first) which is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I loved DS every bit as much as I loved DD (you think it's not possible, but it really is) but it was the hardest time of my life and took me to some very dark places if I'm being honest.

DS is now 3yo and things are getting easier although I'm still permanently tired, but I think that's par for the course working FT with two DC. He's a bright, happy, affectionate little boy who makes us laugh every day and DD dotes on him. But the toddler stage has also been challenging and some days are still very hard feeling pulled in two different directions. Although we adore DS, DH and I both recognise that life would be much easier if we had stopped at one.

It's quite a short term view, but part of it comes down to how many years are you both willing to put into 'hard-core parenting', which I'd say is ages 0-4. Currently you are 3 years away from that. If you had another you are minimum 5, maybe 6 years away from that. I'm personally really glad I only had 4 years of it (one DC) as I hated it, despite loving DS greatly and having supportive DH. For me it was a quite selfish reason to stop at one. I'm sure I'd have managed somehow but I know I would have paid a very high personal price. I'm just not someone that enjoyed early years of kids or being in mum mode all the time.

Society goes all out to sell the ideal family as being two adults, two children. If you're happy as you are, and you're worried you wont cope with another then if i were you I'd really think hard about why you want another baby. What will another baby bring that you don't already have? What will it take away in terms of resources (mental and physical resources) Of course you'd get through it, once baby/babies are here you have no option but to get through it regardless. But at what cost?

I stopped short of the number of children i thought i would have because it's bloody hard and at the moment i am just about managing to be a good mum to mine most of the time. Any more and our daily lives would be so much harder and i don't think it's fair on the existing children to have parents who are constantly stressed. Most people decide how many kids they think is ideal before they have any. It's absolutely fine to revisit that decision once you know what having kids is actually like.

Our first baby sounds very similar to yours. It nearly broke me & our relationship. He cried all of the time. We were told it was colic then reflux but nothing helped, he just grew out of it.
He is now 3, still not a great sleeper though.
We have just had our 2nd child who is now 6 weeks. & the difference between them is unbelievable. Yes it's early days & it's still tiring but nothing compared to my son. She is very settled & does not cry hardly at all, unless there's a real reason.
I was so scared to have another child. I didn't think I would be able to go through that all again, if she was the same baby, so I understand your worries.
Only you can decide what is right for you.

I think looking at the bigger picture might help. DS born 2019 and like you, I always thought I would have two, but now feel that I cannot face it. When I think about it what I can't face is the newborn years. I would happily have another 1+ year old. So the question I need to ask myself is: is the family I wanted worth a year from hell? I'm not sure yet! But I do think that reflecting on exactly which part you're fearing is helpful.

We felt the same but as our DD wouldn't have any cousins we felt it was important to have a sibling as we were worried they'd not have any family after our days! Best decision ever. Love both children equally but with my second I felt so much more confident and therefore enjoyed the experience much more. Told my eldest all three of us were having a baby to give her involvement and she was so excited for 'her' baby to come. They've always been best friends, now 10 and 13.

When my DD was 7 months, we were going to start trying for another but then freaked out and realised I just couldn't handle two.
When DD was 8 months, I fell pregnant unplanned. I was absolutely devastated and terrified as I honestly didn't understand how people could physically look after two and any time I asked parents of multiple children for advice, they'd always say "you just get on with it" and it was so unhelpful!!
DD2 arrived and honestly, I found the jump from 1 to 2 easier than from 0 to 1. They kind of slot right in.
You're so busy running round after the toddler that the second child always tends to be more chilled as they realise they have to wait to be seen to 🙈

I found a sling was so helpful as I could have baby attached to me and my hands free for the toddler.

It is hard at first but as they get older, it gets so much easier. My youngest is 2 1/2 now and they're both such good friends and I'm so happy I gave my eldest a sibling.
Of course there are days when I want to stick them on the doorstep with a sign saying 'free to a good home' but 99% of the time, it's a complete joy having two.

• Spence =second

Well I went for three two years apart each so not sure I am the best person to advise. But each baby got successively easier. Our first had so many health issues so the next two seemed a breeze after him. You are more relaxed with the Spence and as the world is more open now it will be less isolating. I only work part time which is prob all I can manage for a long time to come. Even when my third goes to school I will stay part time as school and activities are in some way harder to manage than nursery and I don’t want them to miss out just because they have siblings.
We get a little family help but increasingly less just because of parents aging and illness. We have the money to pay for babysitters and try to have a few on the go to call on to give us a bit of a life. I love that they have each other even if they do bicker. It’s depends what you want really. If you have more than one your life tends to revolve around family life but that’s what I wanted.

Don’t let having a COVID baby put you off a second. I had my 3rd during COVID and I was fine as knew what I was doing but I always thought about first time mums and how hard it would be. You are so much more confident next time round and you know that any of the tricky phases will pass. Personally I can’t imagine having only one child. My boys are best friends and actually the fact that they have each other (older two are 6&8) it means less pressure on me and my husband to entertain them so we have more time to ourselves!

Do it op! I'm not saying it isn't hard at the beginning with two, it is! But you'll get to the point your at now again and your family will be complete.
You won't regret a second but you might regret not having a second! Especially if you pictured two!

*contented

It's really individual, only you can make the decision.

After years of infertility I had my first through IVF. We had other frozen embryos and so although I was worried about having a second for all the same reasons as you, I just powered through and went for it. DC2 was born when DC1 had just turned 2 and although it was tough at times, it was less of a shock to the system than having the first one. You're already elbow deep in nappies, bottles, toy cars, stickers, baby classes etc so it just adds to the chaos rather than begins it. The payoff is seeing the incredible relationship between the siblings, and as they get older, them entertaining and playing with each other.

When DC2 was 3.5yo I found I was pregnant naturally. A complete shock, 10 years after having been told we'd never conceive naturally I felt the fear ramped up to the max - I thought it would be hell having 3, and that I'd never be able to love another one. I had an awful pregnancy feeling like my life was over just when I was beginning to get back a sense of self.

Needless to say my DC3 is the absolute light of my life (now 3 months old) and has been the easiest, most contended, loveliest little bundle, adored by her siblings. You absolutely can and will love another child just as deeply as your first. My heart feels so full of love. She is a good sleeper though...

I had three under three. Pros - they all get on v well, once the crazy stage was over it was all over, didn't have to try and ferry one to school/nursery. Cons - all were dependent (all in nappies at one point!) So it was an intense time, didn't have as much one to one with them.
Conclusion: I don't think there's a right or wrong. Up to you on your lifestyle, finances, etc

I'd always thought I'd have two but DH suffered a very serious injury and life worked with one worked and I was terrified to change it.
In the end we never actively tried but didn't do a lot to prevent it (number one took a long time).
Ended up with just over a four year gap. Not what I'd probably have chosen but it's worked out well. Older one could be trusted around the baby and could get me things when needed. Having him around part of the day really helped as he could chat by then and despite the age gap and being a boy and a girl they are totally the best of friends.
Best non decision we ever made

I have not long had my second with a nearly 7 year age gap. It has it's moments, I miss the independence we had with just one, being able to get up and out etc but I think that's because of the age gap. That being said 2nd time round feels easier, more relaxed etc although still draining managing 2 kids. If I'm honest knowing now what I know I probably wouldn't have had a 2nd.

You honestly do not have to have a second baby. My dad always said this to me when I was unsure.

I was set on one for a long time and I’m pregnant now with my oldest being almost 5. I’m pretty apprehensive how it’s going to change things but I’ve got to a point that it is better to do it now than ever being before now when she was younger. I was never going to be the two under two or two under three Mum. I’m an older mum this time round so it was a now or never situation. For me I know I’d regret not having a second but speak to me in a year 😂

I had 2 with a 2 year age gap. I knew I wanted them close together and it would have been sooner if I had my way.
Mainly because I have a sister who is a bit younger than me and we never really connected.

I think whilst you are in the baby toddler mindset I think it is easier to almost get it over with in one go than come back to it in a couple of years.
It also helps that they are into similar age group stuff, watch similar programmes on tv etc. You aren’t dragging an older child out to somewhere that is for a very young child and vice versa

I have a 2.5 year gap between DD1 and DD2 . DD2 was born January 2020 which was hard as we ended up stuck in our house with no help nearest family was in a different county and we were in county lockdown for most of 2020. My husband was gone 12 hours a day 5 days a week as an essential worker so it was pretty much me and the 2 kids alone ! It was hard hard work and some days I sat on the floor with DD2 screaming with colic ( DD1 was a much easier baby for me ) but now we are out the other side the girls are best friends and play together all the time it was worth it all .

We currently expecting DC3 and there will be a 2.5 year gap again between them . I’m just hoping by June things will be a bit better Covid wise ! Currently stuck in bed with it 🙈

Just because you said you’d try in the new year doesn’t mean you have to decide RIGHT NOW. Give yourself some breathing room and put off making a decision if you can’t decide.

I don’t think there is a right answer here. Just because you struggled with the first doesn’t mean you will with the second - most people who didn’t have a unicorn “easy” first child find the second easy. But that doesn’t mean you have to have a 2nd. Maybe you won’t find it easy, maybe you’ll wonder what you were so worried about.

Ignoring the coping or not thing, what does your family look like in your minds eye (is that the saying?)? Are you comfortable with the way it is being the permanent status quo? My family is 100% complete, no doubt.
While I do occasionally entertain the what if of a 4th, I know in my bones we are done. For so many reasons. We didn’t get to choose if we had 2 or 3 as my 2nd pregnancy was twins. But I am 100% sure this is what my family was meant to look like.

Thanks for this post, OP. I don't think I'll be adding anything to the thread but you wrote exactly my fears.

DH would like another- I, on the other hand, have a number of reservations, including the fact I'm sure I had a bit of PND with my DD (3), have a grand family history of PND/MH issues and honestly just didn't really enjoy the first year of DDs life all that much. It took me a long time to love her - but I love her to bits now and she's the best.

If I'm honest, the only reason I'd have another is for DH and for my DD to have a sibling. Which I've told DH and obviously we agree that's not the best way to be. We've given ourselves a two year limit, to see if I feel any different. We've agreed that we wouldn't want our age gap to be anymore than 5 years between them, so that we're not too out the loop with sleepless nights etc.

I hope you figure out what works for you, and ultimately, it's your choice. No two children are the same.

Really good nuanced discussion here, I remember back when I was contemplating number 2 all I got on and offline was the "second babies just fit in" line and even some "you can't just have one"

I'd recommend Sarah Ockwell-Smiths book on second children. There is a section about the pros and cons of different gaps too, it doesn't claim to have the perfect gap, it's more about making the best of whatever you end up with.

We ended up with 2 and a bit years and second baby being born during lockdown. The first bit was really hard and stressful though I didn't find the broken sleep and breastfeeding as hard with no 2. Maybe I was in the zone in away you're not with your first, it was also a more straightforward birth, I actually found being pregnant much worse than the postnatal period.

I didn't however find baby 2 "just fitting in" and I did often just have to leave DC1 to their own devices often with the TV when I would rather have not. This is where I can see the advantage to a bigger gap.

Weirdly what I found with 2 is that I resented my DH less as with one I was often stuck breastfeeding while he had free time. With 2 there is so much to be done that neither of you have free time for a while and it feels fairer