To think a second baby would be too hard?

@justanoldhack how did it pan out?? Contemplating the same dilemma now..

I had my 2 dd two years apart in my early twenties both were pretty good sleepers, eaters etc I had lots of support so the transition from one to two never felt that hard. 12 years later I had a third in late thirties and it was a totally different situation, I had less energy, due to circumstances we had less support, he slept terribly had lots of problems it took until he was about 4 for me to start to feel human again. I think it was a combination of being older, less support and's generally more difficult child that made it harder.
Assuming your circumstances will be same in terms of support etc I would suggest waiting til dd is 3/4 so bit more independent. Having a second child isn't twice as hard but it is harder than just one. It may be that second one is easier than first but it is unknown. Also waiting a bit will give you time to see how having one child feels.

I have a 4.8 years gap as we dithered for ages and then nature made the decision for us. Mine are both young adults now but I haven’t forgotten the early days and I can only imagine how hard it was in the Pandemic.

Second was easier than the first . We had very little support when they were little them things got very much harder as all our parents got illl. At one point we had one who had a hip replacement a few days before Christmas then just as coming out the other side of that my Dad said he had cancer on January 7th and my MIL on 21st January .

We were very much sandwiches between children and sick parents and it’s been extremely difficult. I don’t regret having 2 and now they are adults they get on well and are supportive of each other which is lovely to see. It’s a lottery though as my Brother and I have an identical gap and don’t get on . Tonight having said that I worked very hard to encourage my DC’s relationship whereas my Mother played us off against each other.

And yes you definitely can love the 2nd the same. I mean there are maybe certain times I've preferred one over the other but overall I love them both the same.

I have an almost 5 y gap. It meant we didn't have a baby and toddler at the same time. There was no jealousy. They are so close. Such a good age gap.

I dither about this a LOT. DS is 2.5 and was the easiest baby ever. he used to sleep 5 hour stretches from a few weeks old so I was never sleep deprived, my body went back exactly as it was pre-baby with not even a stretch mark and he's now a toddler who eats everything (except cauliflower ) and sleeps 10 hours a night.

I had an absolutely horrific pregnancy though - HG and terrible pre-natal anxiety and depression, so my two worries are 1) My pregnancy might be even worse and 2) I might then also run out of luck and get a nightmarish colicky non-sleeper.

I also found the baby stage deathly boring, but a LOVE having a toddler, he's my favorite little buddy and we have the best adventures together.

Anyway. Still dithering. DH is raring for a second but I said we have to at least get DS potty trained first because so refuse to have HG and have to deal with nappies . That's my stalling tactic for now - I've probably got about another 2 weeks left.

Are you under time pressure? If not, why not wait to see how you feel when baby is older?

I’m another who always wanted more than one. Originally I wanted 4!!! When DD was 2 we discussed another kid and decided after 6 months of tough talking that we’d stop at one. I revisited the decision a few times over the next 3 years before finally disposing of the crib. DD is 10 now and I love love love her and sticking at one was definitely right for her and me.

I really didn't want a second after having DD but DH sensibly suggested
not making a decision then, keep the baby stuff and wait a bit. We couldn't have afforded any less than a 3 year gap anyway because of the childcare cost. I had a chat with my GP at my annual check up about how long I realistically had (42 apparently to be in with a reasonable chance of getting pregnant - DH is also quite a bit older than me) and whether the health problems first time round would reappear (yes, almost certainly).

Then lockdown happened. DH was suddenly on shielding list, and I was so so glad we hadn't had child. Yes, DD was lonely and miserable without another child to play with in the first lockdown, but a small baby wouldn't have made any difference to that.

We got rid of the baby stuff last year. I'm now 42, still no interest in a second child (I still react with horror if I see a newborn, I found it so hard first time round!) and DH now agrees with me! DD is now 6yo, popular, friendly and outgoing. I have been able to make a fantastic career move, which I couldn't have done with a second child to consider.

So, no regrets. I do bear in mind that my great-gran had a surprise last child aged 46 and am taking precautions this doesn't happen to us...

@justanoldhack You always know deep down if you're done or not! Honestly I'm pregnant with my second at the moment and of course I'm scared but we get through because we just will. Some of the newborn days seemed impossible. Some of the worst periods of sleep deprivation felt like they'd last forever. They didn't! Going in this time we know that, and it'll make it all the easier

@neverbeenskiing only offering advice!
Op said she had hoped for two children. Yes I know there are some people that might regret a child, but I think the majority don't. Just my opinion. Two children can be completely different personality wise.
I think it's much more likely that she wouldn't regret having a second, especially not in the long run! I think it's always hard bringing another baby into the world but it does tend to get easier. Op if you want another baby, then go for it! Things may be hard for a while, but it will get easier. But don't rush a decision if you still have time on your side.

Got a 2.5 year old, I feel I will be more confident as a mum 2nd time round

I don’t think I could have had just one. My anxiety when Dd was not in my eyeline was through the roof. It sort of halved with Ds but is still there even though they are both adults

researchaddict.com/second-child/

I had the exact same thoughts- decided to stop at one and get a cat! I read a research study (I’ll post a link if I can find it again) that looked at parents happiness depending on how many children they had. It basically showed that for mothers their happiness increases a lot with 1 child and decreases with each subsequent child. For men their happiness increased for the first and I think stayed the same for subsequent children. Obviously that isn’t true for all families but it was a really interesting read and helped me make my decision.

OP, if you do decide to go for a second then I would strongly advise that you and your DH discuss in advance how you're going to make sure you each get regular, equal time to yourselves. With one child it's generally easy to give each other a break. With two it can be trickier. I know several men who suddenly developed a passion for golf or cycling not long after their second child arrived!

Just do it!
It might be the easiest baby ever.

Some people say wait but then you might end up with a an unbelievable annoying threenager and a baby ?

You never know what the future holds.
An "only" you'll always have to entertain. If you have 2 kids they can play together and have such nice memories growing up together

Or they'll fight all the time

Haha. You just never know.
But it might be better nor having to live with the "what if" ...

I’d agree with what many of the other posters have said and just go for leaving a longer gap, especially if the experience with your first was difficult. In my experience and what have seen among friends/family, those who waited at least 3-4 years seem to find having a 2nd a much more positive experience

I found ten second one waaaaaaay easier. I was more chilled so baby was more chilled. He fitted into our lives, now he’s a toddler that’s when it’s hard!! I’m a strange one though love the new born stage and first year find the toddler years more challenging

Time, cost, help
All considerations for number 2.
Once the kids have left home will you have finances for a pension. do you want to retire before 67?
It's ok to have one (it's ok to have more)

I had my 2nd just before covid hit, a 2yr age gap. Going from 1-2 was so hard, much harder than I expected. The newborn and toddler bit was fine. My second was an easy newborn and slept well and I knew what I was doing. In my experience it's the 6months-18 months bit that is the hardest when you feel like you are always feeding them or cleaning up after, stopping baby from eating what theyre not supposed to, whilst trying to give the 2-3 year old some attention. Add in lockdown and for me it was a recipe for delayed PND that I'm only just coming out of.
My 2 have a wonderful bond and it was absolutely worth it, and most of my issues were covid related. They are now 4 and 2 and play well together and it's getting easier every day. I would also still like a 3rd, but never while the prospect of a lockdown is still possible, and not with a 2 yr gap again!

My second is in alot of ways an easier baby and I love him so so much. I always wanted a big family. I don't exactly regret having two but it's harder than I expected and I now really see the benefits of just one in terms of relationship with them.