To think a second baby would be too hard?

Apologies, I was talking in general, and specific women's circumstances are of course fact-specific.

One of the reasons (not the only one) that there is 9 years between my two is that I loathed being pregnant. I had hyperemesis with DS1, and ended up vomiting uncontrollably, often. It was less bad in later pregnancy and I did have some anti-emetics, but I still threw up every single day from 5 weeks* to full term, and ended up on a drip repeatedly for dehydration. There was a risk of it re-occuring, and it was a long time before I was able to even face the thought of it!

I definitely understand feeling a wreck while you are pregnant, and of course it's harder to be a wreck with a small child - at 8 years old DS1 could understand when I was being sick and I didn't need to worry all the time about his safety, and of course he was at school, too. But when I finally did get pregnant again with DS2, and did get hyperemesis again, I did cope with it, and have never regretted having him. It wasn't quite as bad with DS2, only a few dehydration-and-drips, but absolutely not fun.

The * is because it's the only time my Mum's been absolutely and categorically wrong, when I started feeling nausea she reassured me that it was horrible, but that it passed at 12-13 weeks, and in her four pregnancies she'd felt very sick in each first trimester but only actually vomited a couple of times. This turned out to be reassurance that didn't come true for me, although my sister was similar in terms of nausea until 12/13 weeks and not much actual vomiting.

@LondonLawyer I hear you in the age thing, thank you, I know I'm that old, though to add context I had fertility testing last time after miscarriages and I have severe endometriosis, fibroids and a low ovarian reserve, I paid for a very expensive fertility consultation who looked at my tests and said - IVF for you. We then conceived naturally and carried to term the following month, so who the eff knows, but that's where the age pressure comes from. I think we have come to the decision to at least wait until spring, and then re assess. We were supposed to start trying months ago on fertility advice, we just haven't been able to face it with life feeling so insane/cortisol driven. I am so lucky to have my boy, giving him a good life has got to be priority no #1, and im a wreck in pregnancy.

One thing that can't be planned - each baby is different. No.2 could be the world's most chilled baby and toddler, or a nightmare.
My Mum says her third made her feel really smug, the baby fed/slept/woke on a precise timetable, slept through early, gained weight and height etc on a beautifully straight graph line that perfectly matched centiles. She thought she'd totally cracked this motherhood lark, everything was great. Then my brother was born, and it turned out she'd not totally cracked this motherhood thing....

If I could go back, I’d crack on sooner because it was this close to being too late and the journey was almost certainly harder than it needed to be. It’s different for everyone, and a bit of a gamble as to when the ovaries will call it a day.

It's not necessarily now-or-never aged 36 for you, OP. It does take longer on average to conceive after mid 30s, and some women can't conceive at younger ages than others, but there's no cliff edge inscribed in stone. I got pregnant very quickly at 36, my Mum did at 37 (with her fourth) and my sister had no trouble conceiving at 39.

@justanoldhack 15% easier is a great way of putting it!! I just need a little give 😂

My partner is a brilliant, hands on dad and would like another but also thinks he could be happy with just one. We've had our challenges over the past few years, mainly around him having more independence than I can (e.g. sports, working overtime), but we've communicated a lot and improved things, and I think we know that the balance would be better with two because we'd both be flat out 100% of the time, rather than so much of it just being on me (thinking more baby stage, mat leave, breastfeeding era here). We have some limited family support, my step mum is amazing, lives two hours away and is a saint when she comes. Mixed bag elsewhere. Our jobs are busy but flexible ish (9-5 but with some WFH).

I think you're right that perhaps we're just too in the thick of it to see straight still. I have been feeling the pressure to start ttc because it took us over a year to get our healthy pregnancy when we started trying aged 33 and I'm now 36. I think I may just have to take the risk that comes with delaying. Previously I'd been trying to focus on the end result - aka two kids. But I've been so desperate not to get pregnant again that it's just making me want to really think about this. I've started to think about all the pros of having just one, rather than just seeing the cons of having two, which makes me think it's perhaps not something that's driven purely by overwhelm. I also had an awful pregnancy and horrendous birth, of course that doesn't help with me then wanting to do it again. There feels a sort of freedom to thinking 'oh I don't actually have to go through it all again', which is a fairly new idea for me as I always felt so sure I wanted a bigger family.

Anyway, I am rambling 😂😂 I really appreciate your thoughts and your honesty about life with two. The bottom line/question I think is - you will never regret your second and it will be worth it in the end, but can you and your marriage survive those early years ....

We had DS1 in 2005, and DS2 in 2014, an almost 9 year age gap. That won't work for lots of people, of course, but it has worked really well for us. No sibling rivalry, no toddler-wrangling combined with breastfeeding, etc. You don't have to decide now (depending on both your ages or other factors). My parents had four children in a shorter time period than we had two - oldest was 7 when youngest born.

@justanoldhack could I also ask, do you think having a slightly bigger age gap would have made any difference to the intensity of it?? I'll be playing with fire to leave it much longer ( I turn 37 this year and had 2 miscarriages before my son), but one obvious solution is rather than ruling it out I try my luck with waiting for a bigger age gap (aka close to 3 or later), do you think that would have made any difference?? We had decided to start ttc in December originally (but can't face it, hence all these convos), which would have given us a minimum of a 2.3 year age gap

Ps 'running on cortisol' is a great phrase and exactly how I'd describe our lives already :/

Apologies, I meant 1st birthday

Thank you for sharing your story. How terribly sad that your husband died when you were pregnant. What an amazing achievement raising them alone with a happy ending,

@justanoldhack really appreciate the honesty. I feel everything you're saying and I only have one!! I think the family unit wasn't designed to be made up of two parents with two full on jobs and no outside help, we're in the same boat, and I just don't know if I can cope with a second..I also only work 4 days and love my day with my son but it's exhausting and how would I do that with two?! I think we would be very similar to you, of course we would never, ever regret having the second baby because we would love it so much, but knowing how I coped last time around, I think I would be extremely overwhelmed. Our little one was a very hard baby (awful sleeper), but he's a lovely toddler with great communication skills and sleeps well (though yes he does tantrum), and I'm still at my wits end. I just don't know... I know there are a thousand pros and cons either way, and in my soul I know I would love a second and a sibling for my boy, but my rational brain is telling me that we might actually be happier (health, marriage, money) without it... I'd be banking on that unicorn baby if I do it 🫠🫠

Really appreciate the response. As everyone tells you I'm sure, once you're out of this phase it will all be worth it.... Xxx

Honestly it's been an absolute piece of piss. Absolute joy. Easy baby. DS taken it all in his stride.

This is good to hear, @Unrelated38. It’s not always a slog, but people hesitate to boast so you tend to hear more from those who struggled; it skews the picture.

My first was super tough.
He's 4, baby is 4 months old now.

Honestly it's been an absolute piece of piss. Absolute joy. Easy baby. DS taken it all in his stride.

It helps that DP got 3 months paternity leave. DS was with ExDH who was a useless abuser, DP is an incredible father and partner.

Ok, so not a baby by the time any sibling rocks up.

What does your DH think? What does he want? Are you being dramatic about breakdown/divorce/shit mum stuff? If these are real risks then I understand your hesitancy.

Having two little ones isn’t necessarily the easiest few years of life, but they’re not little for long and they’re at school before you know it. As they say, the days are long but the years are short.

What does your ideal future look like? What trade-offs (it’s all about trade-offs) are you comfortable with?

In terms of howwww, I don’t know. If it’s what you want, you muddle through. As did everyone who came before us. I’m not convinced it’s worth sacrificing the idea of siblings and larger families to try and approximate perfect parenting and maintain a ‘lifestyle’.

One is definitely enough, don't let anyone guilt you as people love to try. So many siblings don't get on or even bother, they aren't guaranteed friends.

@SomethingOnce about to turn 19 months

How old is your DS now, @Tor88?

I'm 36 and had two miscarriages before my first so I really need to get on with trying, but I just can't face it :( :( I've found it all so relentless, I love my boy so so much, but we have two busy full time jobs between me and DH, no family around, I just dont understand how people have two. I just don't get it. I respect it very much, but howwww. It's always what I imagined though, it breaks my heart that I'm even considering not doing it. But I don't want to have a breakdown/get divorced/be a shit mum to the baby I do have

I took 6 years to try for a 2nd. My oldest is autistic and was a real handful. I eventually decided if I didn't I never would, I had my daughter and it's the best decision I ever made

As a general rule, I don’t think one is enough, actually. Imagine what a world of only children looks like: few siblings, vanishing aunts/uncles and cousins, too few working-age adults to support the elderly. Not sure whose mental health that’s good for Even at the level of the individual, being an only child with two ageing parents isn’t something to aspire to.

Your mental health is important. One is enough

I’d love to read an update from OP, too!

@Tor88 I know not all sibling relationships are wonderful, but it’s good to allow the possibility 🙂

One of the reasons I’m glad I had twins is because the decision of whether to ‘do it all again’ was out of my hands. I can’t imagine having to go back to pregnancy and baby stage with a toddler. It makes me shudder.