Partner stays out all night and doesn't let me know...

Hi the man who I'm with, who's supposed to be my fiance, goes out everyday drinking and sometimes never comes home, when he does come home ends up bringing his mates with him from the pub, he's nearly 40 years old and just thinks that it is all fun and games, he never keeps in touch and it keeps me awake overthinking all night when he does stop out. I know he won't change his ways but I'm struggling to leave the relationship and start over. Any advice is welcomed.

Hey - just came across your post. I’m in the same boat but happens every 2-3 months. How are things now?

I am going through the same thing with my partner too and it’s making me so anxious and upset all the time. He rents his house out and we live in my house but I’ve made the stand now that once his tenancy finishes in May he has to go. He thinks it’s quite acceptable to tell me he’s going out for a couple and coming in at God knows what time. Last week he did txt at 11.30pm to say he wouldn’t be long but rolled in at 6am. Done now for my own sanity and the sake of the kids.

Husband has been doing this for 10 years. I blame myself for staying and putting up with it. 2024 is my turning point, I'm moving out and taking my kids with me. I can't deal with all his drama. He went out at 1pm in the afternoon, arriving home at 11am th next morning, all his face was smashed in, like he'd fallen over. He made no contact with me during those hours, I had no idea where he was. His jeans were soiled, so I'm pretty sure he wasn't with a woman....part of me still hopes he'll change, but I know he won't. It's going to be s struggle at first on my own, but I think I've subjected my kids to enough mental abuse, from the person that's supposed to protect them, their father!!

Op
All the replies on here saying their husband has never done this. Their husband. Current. Still married.

And all the replies saying their ex did this. Their ex.

That’s because decent men don’t do this.
And why all the ones who did are now are an ex.

Awful behaviour.

Make sure your contraception is sorted.

Start organising yourself money wise and look at going back FT to wotk.

He's an alcoholic or at the least has a a problem with drink.

Protect yourself.

Always avoids nappy changes if he can and I could count on my fingers how many times he's bathed our son in the 2.5 years since he was born.

This, from a man who regularly disappears on benders despite having a toddler at home, is NOT what a caring dad looks like. It really, really isn't.

It's what a disney dad looks like. One who does the fun bits he likes doing and not the boring or responsible bits that need doing too.

Urgh life is too short. And he’s not a caring dad. A caring dad would know this is unacceptable behaviour in a family.

Just leave.

It’s totally unacceptable

Why would he be at his moms if he went to the pub with his friends?

I wouldn’t put up with it, it’s up to you if you do or don’t. But don’t let him normalise this.

He is a caring dad but doesn't help out as much as I'd like. Always avoids nappy changes if he can and I could count on my fingers how many times he's bathed our son in the 2.5 years since he was born. These seem to be my jobs because I work PT and he's FT. But perhaps I'm just ranting a bit there. I do know of other dads who don't do those things.

He shouldn't be "helping out" at all - he's responsible for his own child & house drudgery, he should just be DOING it. Sure, he works FT to your PT, but he should still be doing the same total combined work/domestic hours as his wife.

And just how caring is a dad who won't nappy change or bathe his own kid FFS? It's depressing how many women post this nonsense as if being vaguely kind to his own children is some kind of amelioration of their partner's domestic entitlement & uselessness.

The fact that other dads are equally entitled & useless is no excuse.
Every time your partner stays out all night without even the courtesy of a phone call, he is telling you "the childcare & domestic load is entirely down to you - I am the most important person in the family & I can just do what I want while expecting you to pick up the slack."

The fact that he gets defensive/angry when you dare challenge him says it all.

I hate confrontation

You have a young child, you can't carry on being wimpy. Get your Mama Bear head on, there may be future issues at nursery/school that will have to be addressed not wringing your hands and avoiding it.

It’s awful, selfish behaviour. My husband of 15 years has never done it, and neither have I.

How many women with kids regularly go missing overnight because they’re too pissed to get home, really? Hardly any.

Men choose to do this. I wouldn’t want to be with one who did tbh.

Is there any chance his mother is covering for him?

Awful behaviour from him. Bad enough on any day of the year, but to do it on Christmas Eve?!?!?!?!

I also feel sorry for his poor mother. She must be 60+ and was probably looking forward to a lovely day herself. Instead she's got a useless hungover son lazing around.

It's bad enough that he does this but he knows it upsets you and doesn't seem to care, that's probably worse.

So he has a drink issue. A few whisky’s or beers every night is not normal or healthy. Once a month disappearing acts - that’s a lot.

If he respected your little family unit he’d make sure this didn’t happen. This is on him.

He’s not a great father. Great fathers get involved in all aspects of a child’s life including the ‘boring bits’ of nappy’s/bath/bed etc. And you do that and more do you need a title of ‘great mother’. No. Because you are a responsible parent doing parenting.

This isn’t likely to Improve as you child gets older. The drinking will worsen. His health will decline. This is going to be the rest of your life with this man. Is that what you want?

decide what boundaries you would like and why.
Explain to him how much this is impacting you.

Explain to him what you would like from him as a partner and father.
If he wants some mediation between you both to resolve things then look at couples counselling. Show him you are willing to fight for your relationship to be better and stronger.
And if he can’t be bothered. Or doesn’t see an issue. Or want to improve. Make a decision on what you can put up with for the next 20/40/60 years.

Just because it’s how his family behave etc doesn’t mean he has to.

This is the example your child is learning from.

I would take note of the number is people replying to say this is what their ex did. Their ex. This behaviour is totally inappropriate and one of the reasons my ex is also my ex! He is taking advantage of the fact you don't like confrontation to continue with this behaviour, but really it doesn't need to turn into an argument. You just need to sit down with him and firmly tell him him this is not ok. If you can't have this kind of discussion, what does that tell you about your relationship?

I feel very sorry for you and for his mother.

Urgh no it’s not normal.