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AIBU?

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Original poster

Does anyone else feel like they've married the wrong person?

89 replies

FelineFan · 04/12/2021 08:37

I've been with DH for 15 years. We have 3 children. I am ashamed to say that I got with him because noone else had ever really taken an interest me and he was nice and kind. I thought I would never be able to find anyone so when he asked me out I said yes. I'm very shy and awkward - noone would be interested in me.

Over the years we've been through various ups and downs and I feel like he's not the one for me. Life isn't horrendous or anything but I feel so lonely being with him. He isn't what I want in a husband and I just didn't really realise at the time. I just rushed into reality making the relationship work.

I don't want to leave him but wondered if anyone else is in the same relationship.

I find myself noticing other couples and how they are with each other and children and it breaks my heart. I daydream of another life and I can't even watch a romcom anymore without feeling sad .

OP posts:
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Dawnrose · 30/09/2024 00:58

Just leave.. he's not going to change

Dawnrose · 30/09/2024 00:56

Make your own decisions for your own reasons.. put some love into yourself and life will figure itself.

coodawoodashooda · 24/09/2022 09:57

Hamjamwich · 04/12/2021 15:10

Yes. His parents passed away a full year ago and our house is a mess with their things. The spare room could be a nice space for DS but it's full of clutter. We have a door laid on its side on our kitchen floor, so only one person can sit down to a meal. I said I would like a composite door, he insisted on a wood door.We cannot get it painted due to bad weather, so I'm really puzzled about how we will eat Christmas dinner 😡 he's been wfh since covid and our living room is a mess with his papers. I cannot relax in my own living room when he is working. He has a bad temper and unfortunately DS has randomly started telling him to shut up. He won't swop his car for a 4 door one, so poor ds is crushed in the back with his long legs. However, he often speaks about changing his car with no actual intention of doing so. He won't give DS any lifts, even when it's pouring rain (might not get parked back on the road).
He won't allow DS to have his playstation in his room but constantly complains about the noise

That's nasty.

Coconut10 · 24/09/2022 08:02

Sunshinealligator · 05/12/2021 04:15

Yes OP. I think a lot of people feel this way. I met my DH 11 years ago, I was impressed by what an even tempered and kind man he was. I genuinely like him as a person, but bitterly regret not paying heed to my first concerns about him. Hes a financially irresponsible procrastinator who will never be financially solvent- despite making good money.
In the 11 years we've been together, he has not once been in a position where he could obtain credit, and its largely fallen into the situation of, I take charge and pay for everything or it doesn't get done. Getting to the point where I can only see him holding me back, and I'm starting to feel that his kindness can't be as real as I've thought, given that his ineptitude has left me straddled with responsibilities that shouldn't be mine, and he's even stolen money from me. Somehow every joint account we've had hes put us into unplanned overdrafts and never paid back, he's used bank accounts of mine to set up payments and changed the log in details, thus locking me out, and even my own car is no longer in my own name. I financed it, I paid off the finance, and now he's the registered keeper.

I sometimes wish I hadn't have married him at all. I sometimes think that I have PTSD from the things he's put me through. Several years ago I set up a little business, he cancelled the car insurance on me, then stopped paying rent, I was giving him all I was earning and he was earning well. Yet I have no idea where that money went, but we were evicted- strangely I'm up worrying about us being evicted (I've paid our rent religiously on my own for years here, but same time of year so that fears just reverberating around my body)

I wish I'd have been with someone a little bit responsible.

This is financial abuse!!! Why are you with this man. He's hideous and selfish. There is no excuse for what he has done. Even if he has his own problems he's thrown you under the bus more than once

Orangeina · 24/09/2022 06:46

JuicySatsuma85 · 04/12/2021 19:00

@FelineFan

I don't want to leave. I have young children and life would be extremely hard on my own, financially and just doing it all on my own. Maybe when the kids are older and I feel confident I can live on my own then but for now it is not something I would consider.

A few of you have mentioned that your DPs don't talk much and that is one of my main issues. We literally can go weeks without having a decent conversation, it's just essential day to day necessary communication. Everyday I ask him how work was and I just get a monosyllabic answer of fine, busy, usual. I don't it exasperating.

I find him to be quite moody too and he withdraws into himself and I just get a silent wall. I find it really hard work. He does help out with the kids but he never spends time with them or does anything with them. It's me that ends up going out with the kids alone.

I don't know if poor communication is something quite common in men but it has gone worse over the years.

That first paragraph…yikes. That is so hideously selfish. You’ll stay married to him until your kids are older and you no longer need his financial support or help? So you’ll string this man along for a few more years because it suits you? How horrible.

All the issues of his you mentioned are surmountable and not uncommon. It sounds like he’s depressed. Are you a glamorous and fun person to be around? Do you have interesting things to tell him about or divide with him? Or is “how was work” every single day for 15 years the extent of it?

Everyone has to consider their own needs, especially women who have sacrificed their own career and financial stability to stay at home and raise a man’s children (and probably do most of the housework so he has a nice clean house to come home to). The result is she isn’t in a financial position to leave him now, does that mean she should be forced to stay with him forever?

The idea that he’s giving her “financial support or help” is also a farce - she’s giving him childcare support by looking after their children, without which he wouldn’t be able to work full-time or would be having to pay a fortune in childcare and wouldn’t be in this financial position! So he isn’t “helping” her, they both play their part to create their current financial situation - but unfortunately because he’s the one in paid work and hers is unpaid, she’s in the weaker position.

And finally as a mum of 3 in an unhappy relationship I don’t think it’s reasonable to be a “glamorous and fun person to be around” all the time. Clearly he isn’t and she’s doing enough that he feels happy in the relationship. She’s tried to talk to him told him she isn’t happy so if he wants the relationship to work out he needs to make a bit of effort and if he doesn’t he can’t be surprised if she leaves!

Trippingslippingx1 · 30/01/2022 14:44

I think many many people feel the same

CounsellorTroi · 30/01/2022 11:16

People who say they no longer "fancy" their DH..... the thing is, you are ageing. A lot of those "romcom" feelings and behaviours are quite lust & hormone driven, and the reality is you are unlikely to replicate them between say, a perimenopausal woman and a man who is thinning on top and thickening in the middle.

A lifetime marriage is going to reach a point where one or both of you is fundamentally old, probably needing care, not sex.

Riiiiiiight. So you’re saying only young beautiful people can feel lust and want sex. Where do I even start with that one?

belimoo · 30/01/2022 10:41

m.youtube.com/watch?v=DCS6t6NUAGQ

It's inevitable according to Alain de Botton.

Hangthetowels · 30/01/2022 09:44

Sadly me for identical reasons to you. :(

Original poster
FelineFan · 30/01/2022 09:37

Op here. Didn't realise the thread had been resurrected.

For an update : we had several long chats, I explained how I felt, how I wanted things to be, Im not enjoying being married anymore. I'm really unhappy.

He agreed and admits that to deal with it he has withdrawn which makes things worse. Over the years the daily grind of work and bringing up young children through some tough times has made us lose our way and we've neglected the marriage as the other "stuff" required our time and energy. We have gone through some extremely difficult times - not anything to do with our relationship but life events and I think they have affected our relationship without really realising. We dealt with these issues differently - we have our own coping mechanisms I guess. We stopped communicating. We stopped sharing and talking and this I think has been the key issue.

We are going to make things work but just getting it out there and talking with him has helped so so much. I feel lighter and happier. We have a long way to go but for the first time in years it feels like we're reading from the same page and I feel more like a team now just like how we were.

OP posts:
ComeOnSpringtime · 30/01/2022 09:04

Does anyone else feel like they've married the wrong person?

Judging by MN posts and threads, I'd say most mumsnetters feel that way. Whether it's genuine or not is another question.

jacks11 · 30/01/2022 08:38

I think it’s very sad- for both of you. You both deserve to be loved and valued. If you genuinely don’t want to be with him and don’t feel there is any point in counselling to improve things, then I do think you should consider ending the marriage. You might not find “the one”, but you may be happier. Is he as miserable as you, I wonder?

I also think it is rather uncaring towards your husband- you say he is a nice man. Just like you, he deserves to be with someone who wants to be in a relationship with him- doesn’t he? Or at least to know the score and not just kept around as a convenience/ for financial reasons/ because you don’t think there are better options right now. Or maybe he feels the same but would agree to status quo for same reasons as OP?

If you were to have a “better option” my guess is you’d be off like a rocket- because this marriage does not really make you happy and you don’t love your husband. Is that fair to either of you?

A man recently wrote a post about not fancying his wife any more and it was pretty unanimous that he should not just keep the marriage going because it was convenient/comfortable for him because his wife deserved better- he was advised to work on the marriage or end it. I think the same stands here- unless both parties know the full situation and decide to go with it.

GeneLovesJezebel · 30/01/2022 08:18

This thread is from December.

Guacamole001 · 30/01/2022 08:16

Be careful if you decide to split up. Will you be able to afford it with three children? Will he pay enough maintenance. Most do not pay much.

Living on one income is getting harder and harder and I only have one child and no mortgage.

Good luck whatever you decide.

Fritilleries · 30/01/2022 08:11

Shallow yes, but attraction is attraction. It's depressing when you yourself maintain a healthy weight and your partner balloons.

WeRTheOnesWeHaveBeenWaitingFor · 30/01/2022 08:03

@Fritilleries

I feel sad when i look at my husband's expanding waistline and double chin.
Wow this is shallow
Stravaig · 30/01/2022 07:54

@Sunshinealligator You're describing an abusive relationship. The person who needs to be more responsible, right now, is you, to yourself. Please reach out for some support, and leave.

Kenadams75 · 30/01/2022 05:00

@FelineFan, I totally get where you are coming from. I feel similar with my DW, have been together 20+ years, have three amazing children, but the last few years possibly as much as 10 years, things have ground to a halt really.
I have been on antidepressants, due to work, for the last two years, and can affect me, which makes me withdrawn but before then, wasn't that which slowed things.
A few years ago during a conversation, she said she didn't fancy me anymore as she didn't think like that after we got married, which was a shock to me, always fancied her and more so after children, as I feel her body is more natural now than before, slightly underweight before, but now about size 12, but sexy as hell to me.
She always said she wanted someone 6ft, blue eyed blonde, I am 5'10", dark haired and brown eyes, and a few years ago, would have been about 8 or 9, I overheard her say to a neighbour as he was approaching her, don't as is at the window, I have was doing dishes with the window open, and I can lip read to some extent. When she came back inside, she came straight to me and was looking very worried, when I confronted her, she said that conversation didn't happen and had no clue what I was talking about, and had denied it after as well. I also said to the neighbour in question to leave my wife alone and stop sniffing round her, he didn't deny a thing, just said ok and has since moved. But slowly although she does say she loves me, usually in response to me saying it, we very rarely have sex, maybe once a month, she tends to go for HJ alot of the time, used to be daily sex and even two or three times a day/night. She is a housewife, I do some chores and help out and cook sometimes, I also work around 50 hours a week and am the only wage between us, but I have never limited her spending, joint account, no financial issues, mortgage will be gone soon, no credit cards, debts etc, so no worries there.
Just don't understand, and never get any answers from her, although have had the chance for an affair, not done it but can see why some would. Have thought about separating but feels too drastic

DriftingPlateTectonic · 05/12/2021 21:00

@Dalidark

Yes I used to feel like this about my exH. In fact I remember on a few occasions sobbing, thinking how can this be my husband, surely it's meant to be better than this?

To be fair, it was a lot worse perhaps than you are describing, which eventually gave the motivation to leave.

I didn't expect to meet anyone else, again thinking "I'm in my 30's with a young child, no decent man is going to be interested in me". However being alone was far preferable by then to being married and I was happy to accept that.

I met my DP a few months later in fact, which I was never expecting. He is fantastic and falling in love with him showed me that I had probably never been in love before. I've never felt this way about another person and wish I hadn't 'settled' previously, although if I hadn't I wouldn't have DD. I remember thinking that these deep loving relationships I saw in films and books, or some people professed to have weren't real. That really everyone probably felt like I did with EXH, that was real life. When I met DP I realised differently. It has always been so so easy with him, it just 'fits'.

I'm only 2 years in with DP, so perhaps that can't last forever but I still feel lucky to have him everyday. He truly brings out the best in me and I am the happiest I have ever been.

I feel exactly the same about my OH. Yes, it's hard to meet someone when you have DC, but its not impossible. The best thing I did was to spend a fair few years alone after I split with my ex. I figured out what I wanted and who I was. Then I met an amazing man and this time I didn't settle.
Tal45 · 05/12/2021 18:32

OP you've basically used him through your whole relationship, you didn't really want to marry him, just wanted someone to marry. Now you don't want to be with him but it's convenient for you financially and to have someone around to help out. I'm not surprised he's distant if you can't even bring yourself to say you love him.

I was used in exactly the same way by my husband and only found out after 20 years. It's absolutely shit way to be treated and the most horrible thing you can imagine to find out you've never been loved. I think it's just evil to think you're entitled to treat someone like that personally. Please do him a huge favour and leave.

dotdotdotdash · 05/12/2021 18:10

Also to OP. Please don't be put off by those opinions which say you won't ever find love because there are lots of people who who prove those attitudes wrong, @AliceAbsolum for example. And it's not selfish to want better for yourself.

I've left an unhappy marriage (15 years, 2DCs, lots of issues) and now my DCs are managing with us living separately, ex is just down the road, we are both dating, and I have met the loveliest man I have lots in common with and we are lining up adventures. Don't give up hope. And it took me five years to leave because I had to try to make it work with ex and then get more training to improve my career so I could afford to go.

dotdotdotdash · 05/12/2021 18:03

@Sunshinealligator please get help and support and leave him. This is financial abuse

ElectraBlue · 05/12/2021 17:49

OP have you considered that your husband might also be unhappy in the marriage and that is why he has no interest in talking to you/seems to be 'moody' and low?

I simply don't understand why two adults who are so obviously not suited to each other and who are making each other miserable would continue to live in a relationship that has long run its course.

There is something really depressing here about the number of posters who think it is OK to stay simply because they like their comfortable house and the money their partner brings in. Stand on your own two feet!

Tricking someone into thinking you are still attracted to them purely for financial reasons to me is pretty sad.

Relationship ends. As long as you work at being good parents once you separate it is a better option than having to pretend for the rest of your life and deny yourself and your current partner the opportunity to find a new love or to live as a happy single.

DeepaBeesKit · 05/12/2021 17:19

I don't know if poor communication is something quite common in men but it has gone worse over the years.

Yep definitely quite common.

TreeSmuggler · 05/12/2021 12:44

Even if you found someone special, chances are it would all wane after a few years and you would be back to square one.

This is true, but I've always imagined it would be nice to have the memory. Just knowing you were loved by someone at some point must mean a lot.

go on some dates , weekends away.

If you haven't been in this situation you may not realise, there is no point going on dates with someone who has never been interested in you that way. If a man wasn't attracted to his wife ten years ago pre kids, he's not suddenly going to be attracted to her now.