To hate how being quiet is seen as a problem

I’ve been at parties and got far too “aware of where I am”

The true value of an employee is the multiplier effect. No matter how much of a technical genius you are you only have so many hours to work. So your individual contribution is less valuable than someone who gets the best out of other people. That's why managerial talent (although there are bad managers and everyone jokes about this, like Dilbert) is worth so much. People leave bad teams and bosses rather than bad 'jobs' in terms of work.

In terms of life as well knowing people makes life easier. I have been saved by other people more times that I care to count. I'm very logical and dislike 'feel-good' stuff but have to accept that I'm human. It's easy to not be bothered by not having anybody around when life's good but when it's not. As much as I like my own company and hate depending or needing other people I have to accept that life's better with them in it. It only took 2 decades...

Totally agree. My in-laws didn't take to me at all when I first started dating OH; I was very quiet and they were offended by it, and perceived it as rudeness. Luckily, things are fine now, but it still irks me when I think how little they tried to understand me.

Quietness is fine. For example what @Lovinglife45 describes,

I am quiet but not shy. I speak when I need to. I can travel alone, ask for directions, speak to strangers, hold my own in interviews and present to an audience confidently.

is great. That's someone who is socially adept, but just happens to be a bit quieter.

But, being socially inept isn't OK, and is a failing that should be addressed. Things such as not being able to converse appropriately - e.g ask for directions/order in a restaurant/deal with common more difficult issues (making a return, addressing poor work, sending a meal back, asking for payment), not being able to answer in anything other than monosyllables, not being able to communicate your needs/not being able to ascertain other people's needs, not being able to hold your own at a work function/meeting/social event, not being able to work as part of a team aren't being "quiet", they are being socially inept, and they are a problem.

Many people who socially inept describe themselves as "quiet". It's not generally the quietness that people have a problem with, its the inability to be able to function in social situations or converse appropriately.

In the same way, there's nothing wrong with people being "loud". There is a problem if they are socially inept and unable to give other people a chance to speak, consider other people's feelings, always dominate the room etc.

So, it's reasonable to expect and want everyone to be socially capable. Quiet, loud, introvert, extrovert doesn't matter, but if you've reached adulthood and are unable to socially interact appropriately with others, whether that is because you speak too much or too little, then that is a problem which needs addressing.

Elliebelle, I like the sound of your strategies. The name of the game is to help everyone communicate and connect in ways that are comfortable for them.

I am quiet but not shy. I speak when I need to. I can travel alone, ask for directions, speak to strangers, hold my own in interviews and present to an audience confidently.

Over the years I have had a number of colleagues mention my quietness which I found rude. I grew up feeling embarrassed and ashamed at being quiet. I rarely felt accepted in my family home as my parents would refer to my quietness and compare me to my siblings and cousins. I struggled greatly at navigating high school, I was not cut out for it; the dynamics, competitiveness, finding my tribe. I felt that everyone was given a handbook except me.

An ex manager raised my quietness to the point it was verging on subtle bullying. It was mentioned in the company of others and I felt singled out. I clearly made her feel uncomfortable and she wanted more of an insight into my life. Her comments meant I shut down and pulled back completely.

Many loud and extrovert people believe either everyone should be like them or everyone secretly wishes to be like them. It reeks of arrogance.

I'm quiet, and confident in it. I don't see it as a deficiency, and I consider myself calm.

WFH during the pandemic was an interesting experience. My manager is extremely extroverted and in the office, it can be hard to actually get a word in edgeways. Yet, speaking to them over the phone, it's much easier to hold a two-way conversation where they actually have to listen to me.

Not all extroverts are like this, but honestly, I think that the ones who complain about people being too quiet often need to just be quiet themselves and actually give us the opportunity to talk, and maybe they'd be surprised.

A lot of comments on this thread are rude and judgemental. I can't speak (haha) for all quiet people but quite often I'm desperate to speak and just can't force the words out of my mouth. You might think I'm rude or making your life difficult or whatever but I literally can't help it. It's slightly easier as I get older, as a child it was really bad. I used to trace out the words I was trying to say on my leg or on the table with my finger.
I work with children and I'm so conscious to avoid saying "you're too quiet", I give the "quiet children" non-verbal options such as flashcards and we are learning Makaton. I know they can speak as they speak normally with their friends. No good will come from forcing people to speak when they can't or don't want to.

I remember in primary school we were reading a book and there was a character who was quiet and shy and he was described as a ‘loner’ - like that was a bad thing! He just liked his own company...

In other settings it depends on what 'quiet' means. For specific situations like public speaking and meetings there is a lot of support as it's well understood that speaking in front of a crowd can be daunting. Where I work there are courses like 'running an effective meeting' ; ensuring balanced contributions is highlighted as an important skill.

However if everyone else has generally been able to speak you wouldn't ask specific people for a contribution - you'd assume they have nothing to say. And the OP appearing visibly nervous - I don't quite know what that means.

In any case 'quiet' isnt' a good term to use. At the end of the day the skills are forming a connection , being confident etc so that should be focused on rather than a word that's use somewhat pejoratively. It's a parents' job to understand and work with their children and for employees, the line manager

As for school, I think teachers say things like "I wish Susan would participate more" because they genuinely find it hard to assess a student who doesn't join in much or volunteer answers. It can be hard to tell whether they are quiet because they are shy, or because they don't understand or they are deliber ately avoiding a subject. It would be nice if teachers didn't assume the worst based on someone's shyness, but equally, I think it is fair enough for them to comment in a professional context.

I would hope that my DS’s teacher would not see a major part of his personality as a problem, and instead encourage him by asking him even if his hand isn’t up, pairing him with another thoughtful child and getting to know him generally. Alas, instead every parents’ eve since time began they just say ‘I wish he’d volunteer more answers’.

I'm a quiet person. And seek solitude to recharge after lots of social interaction.

However, I'm more than capable of holding a conversation, I just don't need it and don't need to be the centre of attention.

I wouldn't say to someone 'God you talk a lot!' but loads of people feel very comfortable in telling me I've got something wrong with my personality. I think they are probably very insecure, do it as a way of putting other people down and see quiet people as an easy target.

I've also had a friend of a friend comment on me 'being shy' when she saw me at a kids party. We hardly know eachother and she hadn't said anything more to me, than I had her I know what you mean by people deciding that they know what you are about and making judgements based on nothing at all.

There are times you have no interest in chatting or knowing someone better, but social etiquette and work mean you need to come across as interested!

That's true. And the other thing is that even extroverts aren't naturally always great at this.

People who babble without listening, observing or reading social cues and talk about themselves without leaving space for others are often more nervous than quiet, reserved people. Many apparent extroverts actually suffer from severe social anxiety but it just manifests in different ways.

Most people find socialising is a skill that has to be learned over time and take some application and requires overcoming some fear and anxiety. It's not only the quiet/shy people who may be struggling with this.

*To be very honest, I think being ‘quiet and reserved’ comes across as aloof, dull or suspicious in many social or work settings. People think you lack interest in them, or don’t want to get to know them.

Conversation and building rapport is a skill. The more you practice the better you can connect with others, network and find like minded friends.*

I agree with @FateHasRedesignedMost. I'm a naturally reserved person and diagnosed with anxiety (have received help for it). I know that I used to make other people feel awkward, but I'm much better at chatting and making them feel relaxed now. Once someone's relaxed with you, the conversation flows more freely and that's when you move beyond the chit-chat onto interesting topics.

It's taken me years to learn this, but I agree that conversation is a skill and it can be very useful!

Yes! I have had a 'friend' apologise for me. We had gone out to have a coffee and she wanted to sit with a group that was there so I agreed. I was OK listening and saying the odd thing now and again. But at one point she actually said 'Sorry about couch, she's always been the quiet one'.
All she achieved with that comment was to make me feel bad and everyone else feel awkward. I've not been out with her since.

I agree. I worked as a retail manager and every single performance review started with "You're very quiet...."

One manager I had who was also a quiet person once said I'd a quiet way of getting things done, which I thought was a much nicer way of putting it.

I was quiet shamed. Ok so my name is Sharon and at school I was just a joke Shy Sharon, don't be Shy Sharon's friend she is so quiet she is mute, Shy Sharon doesn't speak. I'm much older now but it's stayed with me. Yes I'm a quiet person and It made me grow up feeling very embarrassed of who I am.

Also it seems to be much more culturally acceptable to tell someone to their face that they’re quiet, I don’t think people would say to someone ‘you’re so loud’ unless they were deliberately trying to antagonise.

Yep the world is set up for extroverts - or anyway inbetweeners which is where most of us fall.

It must be annoying. The only thing I would say is SOME careers and jobs do involve being able to project yourself, so if you aren’t advancing as you want, or people regularly assume you are nervous when you aren’t, you may want to adjust how you present in the work place a little.

To be very honest, I think being ‘quiet and reserved’ comes across as aloof, dull or suspicious in many social or work settings. People think you lack interest in them, or don’t want to get to know them.

Conversation and building rapport is a skill. The more you practice the better you can connect with others, network and find like minded friends. You learn how to adapt to different social situations and people. How to be liked and considered warm and friendly. Being quiet yet warm and friendly is totally different to quiet but cold and distant. You need to show you’re making an effort to connect and find common ground, not looking for an escape. There are times you have no interest in chatting or knowing someone better, but social etiquette and work mean you need to come across as interested!

Appearing constantly nervous is off putting. It puts others on edge, or they feel they must bend over backwards to help you relax. What are you doing to seem nervous? Get rid of bad habits like twitching or shaking your leg/foot, fiddling with things (hair, keys, pen), speak loudly enough to be heard and not too fast, make eye contact, listen attentively and respond warmly.

I say all this as an introvert who spent my 20s being shunned by people who found my quietness and anxious demeanour off putting.

I think it’s the fact that quiet people are often put down as if the only right way to be in society is chatty and outgoing. But there can actually be faults both with being too loud and with being too quiet.

There are also a lot of outgoing people who seem to think they’re doing quiet people a massive favour by domineering conversations etc when that just simply isn’t true.
There is nothing wrong with different personality types, it’s just tiresome when one seems to be more valued than the other.

Totally agree! Hate the assumption that quiet people are rude.

I’m always being told I’m quiet, it’s so annoying. Maybe I just don’t want to listen to people’s crap all the time! I love our house because it’s a quiet sanctuary and it actually feels weird when people come over and start being loud.

What I would like, whether it be in a school or workplace, is for there to be some understanding that speaking out in a room full of people can be a more daunting prospect for some, even if they’ve got something worthwhile to say, and they may need help, encouragement or guidance to facilitate making a verbal contribution. That might mean a teacher or chairperson (politely!) shooshing a few people and being more directive.

The problem comes when people are told they are too quiet in a given situation and it’s left at that.

Chatty bit cherry...