To hate how being quiet is seen as a problem

I think saying to someone that they are so quiet is extremely rude. It is never meant as a compliment.
I am a quiet person and my dd is quiet too. However I am so careful not to call her 'quiet' or 'shy'. I praise her when I see her do her something that I know might have been hard for her to try to build her confidence. I was called quiet and shy a lot as a child and it was so upsetting. It still sticks with me now. I would never comment to somebody about an aspect of their personality.
I do think a lot of aspects of life is a lot easier for extroverts and those people who are naturally warm and friendly. I try my best and would hate to make people feel uncomfortable to talk to me. However I will never be the life and soul of the party.
It does take all kinds.

Some people won't chat for a variety of reasons including social anxiety. Sometimes they truly don't know what to say. When I'm in a situation with someone who is obviously not going to participate in a converation but I need to be around them for whatever reason, I just say things that don't require a response and keep it light. If you get infuriated that's something you need to work on.

What a really horrible thread.

* Quiet people are great but the ones who make no effort whatsoever and sit there with a face on while you do all the work when you are stuck together are rude and infuriating.*

^Completelt agree with this

[quote TractorAndHeadphones]@Lifewith I’d say what the PP is describing is an issue as it impedes daily living hence why it’s part of the diagnostic criteria. However that isn’t just being quiet it’s something else entirely…[/quote]
Yes but you don't know who's diagnosed and who isn't. People don't walk around with a sign on their head. So it's not different at all

I feel like almost everyone answering ignored this part of the OP:

I do have a slightly nervous disposition but there’s nothing I can do about it

Well, since just spending your entire life feeling slightly nervous isn’t a “normal” state of being (even the phrase nervous disposition can be dangerous, because you aren’t just born that way - maybe you were bullied in school, or had cruel parents, or someone else who yelled at you - something that imprinted), you CAN do something about it. First, you could call it what it is: low-level anxiety. Or maybe just regular anxiety if it’s a little more than “slight.” And there are a lot of ways to deal with that. You shouldn’t have to spend your whole life feeling nervous.

As many people have mentioned, you can be quiet, reserved, soft-spoken, and that’s fine, but your life will be difficult unless you are assertive as well. And there’s absolutely nothing stopping you from becoming assertive. It does NOT mean you have to become loud or chatty. But yes, it does mean you’ll have to get out of your “nothing I can do about it” mindset. I don’t know if that means trying mindfulness exercises, reading books, counselling, therapy, or even medication, as I don’t know you. But “nervous” is not a personality trait. Please don’t feel trapped. There’s nothing wrong with being quiet, but being constantly nervous is too much stress for anybody. It’s not WHO you are; it’s what you’ve learned to feel due to certain stimuli.

It’s hard. My oldest daughter is naturally quite quiet/reserved and people commenting annoys me. The worst is people who will always comment ‘oh she’s so shy/are you shy/why are you so shy?’

It annoys me so much because she’s NOT shy. She will happily go and pay for something in a shop/ask questions at the library/raise her hand in class/answer questions. She is just less likely to be chatty. So when an adult asks her if she likes school she’ll say ‘yes I do’ unlike her younger sister who will burst out ‘I love school I go to x school on x street and here is the name of all my teachers and the dinner ladies and the janitor and I will tell you about all my friends.’

It irritates me when people conflate quiet and shy, because to me ‘shy’ is more of an issue just because it can hold you back from doing things you need/want to do whereas quiet is just a part of your personality.

I'm married to an introvert and have a very introvert son. What I say to them is it's fine being quiet but it's not fine to come across as rude. You don't have to be the life and soul but smiling, eye contact, asking people questions and appearing genuinely interested in the answers...generally not making others feel like you don't give a shit about them. There's lots of things I find difficult...managing money, being organised. As a functioning adult I've had to learn. Just saying you're an introvert doesn't excuse you from having basic social skills.

I much prefer quiet people. Can’t stand people who yack on all the time and share every passing thought.

I always worried about being "too quite", and it made me quite self conscious.

Then in my early 20's I got feedback in my performance review at work saying that I needed to be "less quiet". There was probably a valid point in there, about assertiveness and effective communication. However, my reviewing manager dismissed it completely out of hand. She said it was rubbish feedback, and to ignore it and to be confident in just being myself. It was fantastic advice, and resulted in me coming out my shell more than any forced attempt to do so.

I’m with you. You’d never think it if you heard my fog horn big mouth now but I was appallingly shy and quiet (almost mute) especially during my teenage years.

Often It wasn’t that I didn’t want to talk I physically couldn’t. However on the rare occasion when I did speak I was met with comments such as “Wow she talks”.

@Lifewith I’d say what the PP is describing is an issue as it impedes daily living hence why it’s part of the diagnostic criteria. However that isn’t just being quiet it’s something else entirely…

I am more on the quiet side, but can do public speaking well or teach well, because it is a defined role with techniques you can learn to be effective. Chit-chat though stymied me for quite a while, so I learned to ask people about themselves, and made polite encouraging noises and then asked related questions. So it wasn’t so daunting, I made a game out of it…read a book by Dale Carnegie on how to make friends and influence people, rehearsed and learned the techniques. People generally like to talk about themselves, and it made them feel good. I learned a couple of personal anecdotes about a pet or something innocuous if they asked as it made me seem friendlier. I made an effort to remember people’s names quickly, something that also helped in teaching…students were impressed if I could call them by their name in a class of 30 after the first session. I swotted with photographs, the names of the students or colleagues, and their interests put on index cards, literally flash cards. Made my job a lot easier.

The resultant behaviour seemed to satisfy students, work colleagues or bosses so win-win, as there were no disparaging remarks or complaints about me being quiet. And I got promoted after I made an effort at it, so it worked…once I was promoted, there was less teaching and more research, so I got more quiet time (bonus). Really most of the time, I can be alone very happily or with one or two close friends or DH. I needed a break after a lot of conversation with colleagues. Retirement is better because I can be quiet all day and it is OK

But yes, learning the arts of chit chat in higher ed advances your career more than writing an extra book or getting another grant. People rank you higher if you can talk about nothing down at the pub more than having inherent ability or accomplishing something. Chit-chat is easier and takes less time than another publication. I don’t say that cynically, that is just how it works.

I agree 100%, I really don't understand why it's considered such a flaw. My whole life I've been unfavourably compared to my extremely loud, self confident sister ('polar opposites", "chalk & cheese" "OMG - can't believe you're her sister - you're so quiet!"). Thing is, I don't actually think I'm that quiet anymore and am certainly very chatty with people I know well and feel at ease with. However, I still can't shake the image. I was very upset a few years ago when it got back to me that a very loud school mum I hardly knew described me as "timid". Mind you, she said it in response to discovering who my sister was (she knew her from elsewhere) and I guess many people could be described as timid in comparison to my larger than life sibling!

Do you ever tell the people who say you are quiet, that it is rude to make personal remarks.

I say to these people that I would never comment on people. I tell them that I find some people loud and annoying but I would not say it. Paddington stare. This cuts off a lot of would be bullies, who are thinking of making a laugh of my quietness

Not everyone needs to be the same. They do not. What you see as socially acceptable, others do not.

I would say that I'm quiet.

It takes me a bit to feel comfortable enough to join in & put my views forward for example.

It's a shame that some people wouldn't recognise this & think of it as being rude/aloof.

I obviously wouldn't ignore people but might give a basic reply at first until I felt more comfortable.

But I'm also making others feel uncomfortable because I'm not joining in as much as they want me too??

People who say things like, "you're so quiet!" are dicks.

I'm with you.

I'm a natural introvert. At school, I would dread being told to read aloud. At several parents evenings, the teachers would say that I need to contribute more, put my hand up more. Why should someone be forced to do something that makes them uncomfortable? To make the teacher's job easier? Everyone is different and it should be respected. No one should be forced to become something they're not.

I find that when I truly trust and like someone, friends, family etc, I am a bit louder because I am comfortable with them. If you first met me, you'd think I was quiet. Because I am most of the time. It's like unless you're screaming and shouting, a lot of people can't be bothered to get to know you.

posted too soon..

— and felt like everyone was acting a part.