To hate how being quiet is seen as a problem

My dad was mostly quiet. He was seen as intellectual (well he was) and 'slow to warm up'.

I'm the same but often thought to be standoffish or cold.

I can't stand loudmouths when insist on being the centre of the universe! I have observed that such people aren't as 'popular' as they think/would hope.

I had a team member who was always in everyone's face, always had to be the centre of attention. She was sleeping with the boss so that didn't help. Everyone was all over her and treated her like the queen Bee. As soon as she left so many people were saying that they couldn't stand her, thought she was full of herself, tolerated her and - quite amusingly - about three guys told me that she was all over them !

Your male colleague constantly pulling you up on being ‘nervous’ is an arsehole. Even if you were nervous, having someone constantly comment on that isn’t going to help.

That aside, these kinds of threads always leave me thoughtful. A lot of posters will argue the world is set up for extroverts and to an extent that may be true, but I’m not sure people who are very introverted realise how much work can be involved in ensuring their involvement and participation.

I’m not particularly extroverted but I am confident in company and happy to participate in conversations, meeting etc. I have learned that decisions are made by the people who show up - and that doesn’t just mean physically, it means the people who are willing to get their views across and share in a task. I manage a colleague who is extremely quiet and reserved. She has very good ideas and we have benefitted from her contributions in the past. But getting her to a point where she will make those contributions is an enormous effort. I don’t always have time to do what is required to secure her participation. As a result, despite the fact that she has useful contributions to make she’s not seen as an innovator or good strategist by the wider company. It holds her back.

The same is obviously also true for the extremely extroverted. It’s equally hard for me to manage the contributions of people who verbalise every thought, are extremely over confident and want to be in charge of everything all the time. I don’t think these people actually do any better than extreme introverts, whatever the perception is that the world is made for extroverts.

There is a vast, happy middle for people who are able to express themselves calmly and with appropriate confidence, regardless of where they sit on the introvert / extrovert spectrum, and the best solution is to find strategies that allow you to occupy this space.

Wow, I have come across my people.
All through my life I have been described as quiet, shy and nervous.
I hate that at nearly 40, I am more shy than ever. Yet people say it gets better with time and you become more confident. This is definitely not the case for me.
Always had great school reports but told I was very quiet and didn't speak up enough in class. In college had a snide tutor who would make comments like 'Pandworld hasn't opened her mouth today so she can answer this question.' I had to do placements as part of my college course and the same thing, 'She's just so quiet !'. Then going to work and people being surprised I could run fast, that I could score a basketball goal and that I liked desperate housewives because again 'You are so quiet.'
I've never felt good enough and it's made me really dislike myself. I am very introverted, private and hate small talk but I know I am a kind and thoughtful person yet that side gets overlooked.
Extroverts are always seen as more superior. I remember when I was young, about 23, an older colleague really liked me and sort of mothered me a bit, text me outside of work. A mutual colleague was really surprised as presumably she felt I wasn't 'good enough' or exciting enough for this extroverted, confident lady to give the time of day to. 😞

Completely understand. Both my fiance and I are introverts and I'm glad to be living with another introvert. We enjoy the small things in life, taking things slow, and are comfortable with natural silence. I welcome silence and my thoughts so I can process them, learn from them, become a better person and live in the moment.

It's the handful of get-togethers with his family in the year that I dread. The mindless chatter drains me. The passive aggressive comments and body language toward me that makes me insecure and small. I'd rather play a game with them or do yard work together. This actually sounds like fun. Anything more interesting than sitting around for hours listening to them and stroking their egos. It's the insecurity, the anger, the arrogance, the boring conversations. Suffocating.

Me and my fiance do have our louder moments. But I think the difference with introverts is that those moments are natural and real and actually fun. Not induced by alcohol or insecurity or fakeness.

As you can see this affects me as well, if that gives you some reassurance. Reading your post I don't see anything wrong with you. You're in a minority. But you have so many treasures inside that they don't possess.

Honestly the older I get the less I want to be out there around that punishing dynamic, and I'm ok with that. I'm actually happier enjoying my life. I don't need parties. I prefer gardens and my home, hiking, cooking, art, etc. I find other introverts or like minded people. I enjoy deeper, interesting conversations.

I'm sorry you have to deal with all of those comments. Thats hard on you and totally unnecessary.

People typically view me as overly quiet and sometimes shy. It’s been pointed out and criticised for my entire life. My younger sister has a polar opposite personality: chatty, confident, extroverted. I remember my grandmother always smiling about her and saying how she would do well in life. There were no smiles like that for me and it can really make you feel like something is wrong with you.

I seem to be on the extreme end of the introversion spectrum. I had selective mutism as a child and I still feel the mutism, but I have developed ways to cover it up. I didn’t fully understand that this is my personality as a child/teen, so I put a lot of effort into attempting to change it. I wanted to fit in and be what the people around me desired. I would put myself in uncomfortable positions over and over again in an effort to just ‘be normal’.

I did develop some communication skills. I can talk to people when it’s required, give presentations in front of a crowd and maybe even pass for an extrovert for short periods of time. I have social skills, but talking at length to people that I don’t know very well drains me. I need to be energetic to do it. In the society we live in, introversion can almost be a disability sometimes.

But I believe there are advantages to being introverted. It’s a difference rather than a disability. I think I have a better-than-average ability to tune into things and concentrate for long periods of time. I never get bored. I am naturally musical and tend to excel at creative pursuits. Based on what I know about the science of introvert/extrovert brains, I think these things are related. I think we can improve our sense of self by concentrating on what we are good at and what we actually enjoy in life. That said, being able to communicate verbally is such a useful skill that it’s always worth trying to improve, even if it doesn’t come naturally.

so rude!

I'm similar to you op. I'm good in a small group but would get lost in a crowd. My dh is very chatty, opposites attract and all that. I am confident though and have an inner strength he lacks but most people wouldn't realise that. Friends from work don't think I'm particularly quiet but that is because I'm the boss in our work environment and make all the decisions as the overarching responsibility is mine. My biggest issue is that I'm rubbish at making small talk. I'm on mat leave currently and have made some mum friends by putting myself out there but it doesn't come naturally to me. I have to work very hard at it and tbh sometimes I'm just not all that bothered.

In my org a certain seniority requires actively seeking out and building relationships, keeping your 'finger on the pulse'. A lot of colleagues aren't suited for this. Excellent technical staff and great at managing their own teams but that's not enough for the next level although they are top performers.

If that's not the case with you - you should be able to evidence it. Connect with key people you've made an impression on, get them to speak up for you. Promotions generally need the support of multiple people anyway if an organisation's being fair

I haven't read all of the comments yet, so apologies if I'm repeating something.

As I understand it -

Introversion means needing significant time alone to recharge.

Extroversion means needing a significant amount of social contact to recharge.

Introverts can be witty, warm, chatty, charming. They just like to spend a lot of time alone and find too much social interaction exhausting.

Introverts aren't necessarily always lacking in assertiveness. My sister is majorly extroverted but not assertive. Very chatty, thrives on social contact, but not actually deeply confident within herself.

OP, going back to your original post -

I think happiness with being however you are comes from BOTH internal happiness AND putting yourself in the right environment as much as you can.

At school, my reports always said the same thing. Bright, but should speak up more. Should contribute more. Should use her voice more in class.

In jobs, I'd always get reviews that said I was doing brilliantly, but just needed more "confidence". Many managers don't understand that by highlighting someone's perceived lack of confidence, all this actually does is make the person feel under a microscope, which DECREASES confidence.

Now, I work for myself and this definitely suits me. I've gradually taken steps to align my life in such a way that I've chosen not to work in fields where I'm expected to constantly outshine people, be loud, constantly spouting ideas, etc. Is this something you can do?

As for personal acceptance - you have to become happy with you are. There will always be outside triggers and influences in life. No matter what you do. You could become the most confident, assertive, calm, gregarious person in the room and still have people commenting on it.

I'm not an expert, but for me, if I don't like something about myself, I either work to change that thing, or I work to change my perspective about that thing. I used to lack assertiveness, then I decided to make some big changes. To leave a bad relationship. To start driving lessons. To build my own little business. Various steps that help to give you strength as a person. Generally speaking, inching towards conquering things that intimidate you is how you develop greater assertiveness and confidence.

I do find it wearing as a pp said when someone doesn’t “uphold” their side of the social contact. Fil just sits there makes no effort whatsoever. I would like to do that sometimes but when I tried it got once got lots of “are you ok” etc. I’m not a massive extrovert but have good social skills and think it’s abit unfair to just opt out entirely and let others do all the work socially.

There's actually some interesting research by a professor called Adam Grant on this topic. He has found that introverts and extroverts can both succeed in leadership positions, but introverts do particularly well - better than extroverts - with a highly motivated team with ideas of their own that need to be listened to and nurtured.

www.businessinsider.com/wharton-professor-organizational-psychologist-adam-grant-what-leaders-get-wrong-with-promotions-exit-interviews-power-moves-2019-1?r=US&IR=T

A quiet manager that sticks to themselves and only speaks when spoken to would make employees uncomfortable around them I think.

This tribalism around "introverts" and "extroverts" (most of whom are being mislabeled anyway) is my current bête noire.

It seems to have become yet another excuse for people with a persecution complex to harp on about how poorly understood they are by society. Lockdown made this far worse as well: everyone seeming to believe they unique "needs".

'True' introverts or extraverts are vanishingly rare - the vast majority of people, as with most things in life, fall within a bell curve.

I can deliver a presentation to 200 people, or enjoy an evening at a party, then spend the next two days sitting at home with a book and a cat without talking to anybody.

Labelling yourself is reductive and self-limiting.

I hear ya. I've been overlooked countless times for promotion even though I'm top performer within team. Purely because I'm 'quiet' and therefore can't be considered. It's a joke as I can manage people even if I am 'quiet', managing people isn't about being full on and chatty it's about managing people. It's something I'm repeatedly told to work on if I want a promotion.

*can't help it.

I don't feel I have to be specifically asked. It's just what happens. I'm not an open book and I can't help.

As I say - I tend to go with the flow but if something is really important I’ll pipe up. I may be an introvert but I still end up doing all the ‘task’ stuff (sorry mowglika, I think he may be taking advantage!)

I'm like you, OP. I'm an introvert but people have assumed I have social anxiety. I don't. I just like to listen and take in everything that is happening. I will only give my opinion in company if asked.

With close friends I am chatty but not in groups of people I don't know well.

I do find introverts hard work though, and I say that as an omnivert, I understand the need for introverts to have their quiet time.

My DH is an introvert and I find he leaves all the jobs that need interaction with other people to me, like picking up a parcel from a neighbour or taking the kids to play dates. I do find introverts can be quite selfish in some ways, but maybe that’s just my experience of them.