"Boston marriage" - any experience?

So you'll continue paying the mortgage. Your friend will have her mortgage paid by her renter - so will she pay rent to you?

Also a big one to consider is what happens if one of you loses your job?

Technically people who live in a house with another adult can claim benefits, but it would take some hoop jumping to show that you weren't a couple (and it would be complicated if you shared finances).

If it was you who lost your job would she cover your mortgage? If it was her she wouldn't be able to claim housing costs for your house and what would happen with her mortgage?

It sounds like a very good idea but my biggest worry would be around the children and how they get on in the future. It can change so much as children go through different stages and its hard to imagine whether this set up would make them all act much like siblings or whether it could be much more complex/problematic with adults feeling stronger support for their own children.

Certainly lots to be gained if it works but I fear it might be difficult to maintain long term unless you are lucky enough to have children who never fight or fall out.

The one thing that made me uncomfortable was you saying you would share income and expenses.

Expenses - yes. But income, I wouldn’t share.

I would just agree a list of items that are shared costs to be paid from one account and split that 50/50. Remaining income is your own, surely?

Of course it's a brilliant idea. Don't overthink it. It'll be wonderful.

When I was a single mum I spent SO MUCH TIME thinking about how perfect it'd be if single mums lived together in huge happy houses with all the kids running around.

I never got to do that but I did have my cousin to live with me for a year and it was absolutely brilliant.

I'm married again now but honestly - it's so much easier and more fun sharing a house with another woman. You just get on with stuff, have more things in common, resolve issues quickly, and just enjoy talking to each other about similar things.

The only slight sticking point I could see in this particular scenario is that she'll be moving into YOUR house. Will that stop her feeling 100% at home? Will she always feel like your lodger? Will she ever feel free to decorate, cook, entertain, etc - or will it always intrinsically be you who has the final say?

I'd find that wearing, if I were her or you. But that's the ONLY snag/potential drawback I can possibly imagine.

My friend and I are planning this after retirement!

They actually got married ? Wow.

I think it sounds great - the only issue (which you have already responded to) would be the new partner/sex/relationship thing where if that happens then potentially the situation changes.

If you pool resources or go into it with a long term intention then meet someone then you end up, as at the end of/change in any relationship with a house sale & asset splitting which could be difficult for both but especially the still single person, also the kids (who presumably would have a more sibling type bond having lived together).

Lovely idea in the short term though!

I think you mentioned up thread that you are both home owners and the plan is to move in your house and rent the other. Personally I think you should rent both the houses out and then rent out a third house to live in that way no one has the upper hand eg none of the kids can say this is my house etc. If you think about it, if you have to make room for someone its never quite like moving into a new house where everyone starts with nothing.

I have friends who have exactly this set up. They did get married (once same sex marriage was legal) to formalise everything.

They are a committed couple in every way except sex.

They both have the occasional casual relationship/sex with men but never at home.

They love each other and their children. Why not?

Has worked now for years.

DH's step sister has been in an arrangement like this for nearly 40 years. They're amazing friends, spend all their time together but there's no physical relationship. Took me ages to work out that they weren't closeted lesbians, tbh.

They have encountered some curiosity at times but I've always envied their very relaxed lifestyle....... they've travelled the world, and been a huge support for one another.

Good luck OP. I think it sounds like a creative, happy plan. You write very well and you sound as if you have thought of the obvious pitfalls. SO - make a will, draw up agreements and enjoy the company and shared endeavour. My bff saw me through a hell of a tragic few years (for us both) and we never fell out though our lives began to unfold differently.

Sorry, that was long.

If you couldn't guess I did this when my girls were little and it was a fucking disaster!

You'd have to get properly into the nitty-gritty of everything before committing to that (as should anyone living together).

You'd also have to remember that it's generally not the big things that cause problems. You can agree on the big things beforehand, but it's then finding the ketchup in the fridge every bloody time when you think it should be kept in the cupboard that causes the insidious drip-drip of irritation.

Not exactly the same parenting style, no

That's your first major one. Big things you can generally hash out, but what about the peripheries.
Curfews and boundaries for older children for example? You can't get on a bit and discover that one will let an 8yo go to the park with friends and thinks 15yo's should come and go as they please where as the other insists on supervised playdates until 12.

Do you have similar takes on extra curricular activities (and finances for them)? Will half the kids be out at clubs every night, but the others once a week?

Christmases and birthdays - do you have the same ethos on presents? You can't have half the kids waking up to three presents and the others fifty three. Do you have the same take on Santa/Father Christmas?

Will you become default babysitters for each other? If so do you have the same kind of social life or does one like constant nights out and the other will end up being resentful?

When will your children get individual time with their parent? Will they ever get the chance to veg on the sofa with their Mum without another random around (that's often an issue in blended families)? Will every day out be all of you or will they be separate?

Financial wise - how will you each protect your homes financially if you are pooling finances and considered to be contributing to the others home?
How will you deal with repairs on each of the houses?
What if the tenants don't pay or she has to go down the eviction road? Will that be her expense or a unit expense?

What will be the plan if the setting breaks down as she won't be able to kick her tenants out right away so how will she and her children be protected from becoming homeless if you fall out, or if you die?

Do you have similar takes on shopping? It could easily get fractious if one is Heinz and brands and the other is Smart Price.

Meals - do you have the same take on children clearing/not having to clear their plate? All round the table or eat off knees?

This is common where I live. People call it a single parent flatshare/houseshare and call one another flatmates. You might want to call it something other than a Boston marriage since Boston marriages were often fronts for real relationships so people familiar with the term might think you are trying to say you are in a closeted relationship.

I was wondering if someone would mention Kate & Allie.

There are a lot of important points being raised on the thread, and clearly you have put a lot of thought into the majority of them already.

I think living with someone else is always a leap of faith to some degree, but I'm sure many people make the move in romantic relationships with a lot less reflection or consideration than you are doing.

Perhaps many women would benefit from considering the scenarios raised here, on what is acceptable, what are non-negotiable behaviours, boundaries and exit points as they enter co-habitation with men. And to have those conversations up-front in a frank and honest manner. I like the regular and scheduled break point opportunities too.

Living the dream! Good luck!

This sounds idyllic. Obviously you'd have to iron out the potential issues already been raised on this thread but other than that, I think it sounds like a really lovely idea.

*potential partners

Just wanted to add that this kind of arrangement was extremely common during the Victorian-Edwardian era.

It would be two friends, sisters, cousins, or two women of different generations such as mother-daughter or aunt and niece. It seems to have worked out most of the time without people sitting down with reams of paperwork and negotiations!

I had a similar arrangement when DD was young. It lasted a few months. Other mum had very different parenting style, the kids argued and she kept bringing her bf back after the pub....
Good luck to you, sounds like you have already worked things out between you 💐

Sounds amazing
I'd love to live in a women only commune
Good luck!

When I used to watch SATC I used to shout at the TV screen that Carrie and Miranda should move in together instead of constantly chasing after unavailable or unsuitable men to give them the domestic security and love they both craved, because they so clealy had it, right under their noses - in each other.

But no, because sex would not be involved, it was unthinkable to partner up.

Is sex REALLY that important? So overwhelmingly important that it's better to have the wrong male than the right female as a living partner?

I would absolutely love to be in a Boston marriage with a woman. Shame there isn't a dating app for that!

I think if I did this I would want a bit of clear demarkation of personal space. Love my friends and we have indeed discussed this at several points in life and its ear marked as a "retirement plan if we are single" kind of thing given women tend to live longer. My understanding particularly if benefits are involved is that it can be construed as cohabiting whether or not there is a more personal relationship.