Page 6 | "Boston marriage" - any experience?

abostonfiancee · 2021-11-20T20:52:51+00:00

In the historical understanding - i.e. two women living together as a household, or even a family unit, but without the underlying romantic / sexual relationship. Discussed it with an old friend (we know each other for 20+ years), firstly as a joke, but then it actually turned into a serious discussion... and then into planning. We used to flat-share during the student years, and then were often on-off coach-surfing at each other's places for a couple of weeks at a time, and just joked that it was the healthiest and the most pleasurable co-habitation experience both of us have ever had (including our marriages). We get along extremely well together, all our friendship teething problems are (hopefully) well in the past. We both are single mothers in professional jobs (same industry too), our children are approximately same age and are good friends. The housing and childcare costs are crippling us both, and we both are very lonely. No intention from any of us to remarry or even live with a man again until our children are much older. Any obvious drawbacks to the plan?

Original poster

abostonfiancee · 21/11/2021 07:58

@LiterallyKnowsBest

Though I agree with the comment above regarding terminology. I’ve always understood ‘Boston marriage’ to indicate a closeted lesbian relationship. So it might be a needlessly complicated way to refer to yourselves in contemporary culture.

I’d imagine your children will find themselves having to explain their respective parents’ relationship status every single day - but it’s a small price to pay for what sounds like a beautifully well considered plan.

I thought the term comes from the times when married women could not be academics so they had to "marry" their female colleagues? As in, the absolute majority of female professors were in such arrangements. I don't remember where I read it, just stuck with me.

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Original poster

abostonfiancee · 21/11/2021 07:54

If you're in it for the long hall, in that you decide now to only live apart again when the kids are grown and independent (as otherwise it could be a bit like a family separation), then I think it sounds perfect.
Yes, the idea is a long-term commitment.

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vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 21/11/2021 07:54

Am inspired - am going to dump DH and find myself a Boston Wife.

Sounds like a lovely life, honestly.

LizzieSiddal · 21/11/2021 07:52

My concern would be the effect on the children if for some reason the arrangement didn’t work out. However that happens with couples in a sexual relationship so I’d say go for it BUT now you’ve thought of the idea, don’t rush into it. Take your time both really thinking and talking about it all through, so when it does happen it hasn’t been rushed.

Original poster

abostonfiancee · 21/11/2021 07:51

@nolongersurprised

People do become very defensive when their parenting is criticised, or even when there is perceived criticism. Sleepovers and weekends away aren’t really comparable because everyone is in fun mode.

I would suggest having a conversation with your friend in a relaxed environment and bringing up 3 things that you know you differ about with regard to parenting your children.

It might be stuff like : I won’t have TV on until 5pm on the weekends and I know you are more relaxed, or, I don’t care if my children don’t eat any tea, they can still have dessert but I know your rules are different. Or even, our favourite take away is McDs on Friday and yours is pizza on a Saturday, shall one of us change nights or are all our meals going to be similar.

It’ll work if the children are content and secure and most children do like a consistent routine

Oh yes, this is consistently raised on this thread and I think it is a good idea to sit down and establish ground rules visibly to everyone. Maybe even a timetable for the first month or two of when we do what.

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closedown · 21/11/2021 07:50

The vast majority of humans likely lived communally in the past, helping care for everyone in the community together, including each others' kids. In some remote places they still do that. It's mutually beneficial. I always thought it would be really nice to live like that instead of all separated like modern society says we must be.

Orchid876 · 21/11/2021 07:47

I think this sounds like an absolutely marvellous idea. It is no different from a blended family really, without romantic complications! As long as you're both on the same page in terms of what happens if a significant relationship with an man was to arise, I can't see any real problems that aren't insurmountable. Tbh, what you've described sounds so ideal, and you seem to know each other and get on so well, that I'd imagine even a new relationship may not be better than this set up, and and can continue to be conducted outside the home. Plenty of long term partners do live apart as it works best for them. If you're in it for the long hall, in that you decide now to only live apart again when the kids are grown and independent (as otherwise it could be a bit like a family separation), then I think it sounds perfect.

Original poster

abostonfiancee · 21/11/2021 07:45

@JustLyra

I know it was super long, but do have a look at the post I made earlier.

I did this when my girls were younger and all the big things we sat and worked out, but the little things made it a disaster.

Christmas presents and ketchup were the two things that caused the final rows - I'm not even kidding. As ridiculous as they sound they were the proverbial straws.

It's the small shit that's likely to cause rows and resentment.

Yes, I know about the small shit, I've been married before

I just hope that we can be above that.

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Original poster

abostonfiancee · 21/11/2021 07:42

@LiterallyKnowsBest

This does sound amazing.

Will you be happy to bring up her children if she dies?

And will you be happy for her to bring up your children if you die?

Or will you have other family arrangements in place for either eventuality?

Yes, we are beneficiaries on each other's life insurance exactly for that reason. I would not say exactly "happy" as it is a strange way to describe jt, but I would consider it my responsibility, yes. I mean, of course, unless the father comes out of the woodwork.

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IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 21/11/2021 07:41

I like the idea in principle, but you need an exit strategy, and regular review points. Situations change!

Original poster

abostonfiancee · 21/11/2021 07:38

It’s interesting that a lot of the concerns and questions that are being raised wouldn’t be asked of a couple moving in together after 20 years - e.g. what happens if you fall out/one of you meets someone else, etc.
Well, I think that's fair enough - there would be more that would hold a couple together (even sexual attraction).

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BuffyFanForever · 21/11/2021 07:36

Sounds wonderful if it will work for you why not. Do be prepared that historically these arrangements were actually lesbian relationships but they obviously couldn’t be that open about it! Doesn’t mean you can’t live however you wish now though but just be prepared some people may presume that is your situation. Good luck!!

Original poster

abostonfiancee · 21/11/2021 07:36

@nopenotplaying

So the fathers financially contribute to their children? This may be impacted if you are cohabiting with someone?

No, neither is very much involved financially, both paying under £50/month, so not a big amount overall. And I thought child maintenance does not depend on the receiving parent's situation?

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dottiedodah · 21/11/2021 07:32

It sounds good on paper. However if one of you meets someone new ,or just wants some space for seeing friends or a boyfriend what then . If you can stay friends then all well and good .maybe just talk through the issues first together

FrankGrillosFloof · 21/11/2021 07:30

@nancybotwinbloom

Normalise this. It sounds amazing. I just need to work out what to do with my DH

This.

It’s interesting that a lot of the concerns and questions that are being raised wouldn’t be asked of a couple moving in together after 20 years - e.g. what happens if you fall out/one of you meets someone else, etc.

You sound very sensible and open minded so I’m sure any problems that come up, you and your friend will deal with. Go for it! (And PLEASE, keep us updated).

mumpants · 21/11/2021 07:28

Sounds perfect. I say go for it!

LiterallyKnowsBest · 21/11/2021 07:27

Though I agree with the comment above regarding terminology. I’ve always understood ‘Boston marriage’ to indicate a closeted lesbian relationship. So it might be a needlessly complicated way to refer to yourselves in contemporary culture.

I’d imagine your children will find themselves having to explain their respective parents’ relationship status every single day - but it’s a small price to pay for what sounds like a beautifully well considered plan.

notanothertakeaway · 21/11/2021 07:25

I think it's one if these ideas that sounds nice, but could easily go wrong

If you do go ahead, I wouldn't mix finances. She should pay you a fair / going market rent, and you should have no involvement in renting out her house

MeanderingGently · 21/11/2021 07:20

This is absolutely bloody amazing!
When I was younger, with small children and unhappy in my marriage, I used to think this would be a dream situation. Entirely non-sexual partnership with a best friend, sharing costs and families etc. I'd never heard of anyone considering it and had never heard the term 'Boston marriage' so assumed it was never an option. Wish I'd had a really good friend to do this with, as I'd have gone for it like a shot (and probably been so much happier).
Good luck to you!

MrsLargeEmbodied · 21/11/2021 07:15

people often fall out with job shares
and a house share i would imagine the same thing would happen
shame if your friendship was ruined
but seems a good plan

itiswhatitisandalwayswillbe · 21/11/2021 07:14

Love this plan! More women should do this.
Good thinking op and I wish you all the best.

MrsLargeEmbodied · 21/11/2021 07:12

who gets the master bedroom?

you will need a lot of bedrooms?
will all children have their own rooms?

MrsLargeEmbodied · 21/11/2021 07:09

i just think one of you will meet a man,
and the whole housing situation goes to pot

Diywizz · 21/11/2021 07:08

This sounds amazing really. Hope it goes well op.

nolongersurprised · 21/11/2021 06:57

People do become very defensive when their parenting is criticised, or even when there is perceived criticism. Sleepovers and weekends away aren’t really comparable because everyone is in fun mode.

I would suggest having a conversation with your friend in a relaxed environment and bringing up 3 things that you know you differ about with regard to parenting your children.

It might be stuff like : I won’t have TV on until 5pm on the weekends and I know you are more relaxed, or, I don’t care if my children don’t eat any tea, they can still have dessert but I know your rules are different. Or even, our favourite take away is McDs on Friday and yours is pizza on a Saturday, shall one of us change nights or are all our meals going to be similar.

It’ll work if the children are content and secure and most children do like a consistent routine