"Boston marriage" - any experience?

Having said that, if they are merging finances, it might be worth it to draw a legar agreement saying that neither of them would have claim to the other’s property as I expect both will need to contribute to the upkeep and maintenance costs of the building due to wear and tear or when a child decides to write all over the walls (or similar)

I like the sound of this. I used to love watching Kate and Allie as a child!

I would put in the diary that you have a meeting to discuss if you are all happy carrying on with this arrangement every 6 months and if one of you isn’t then there is a time line of say 6 months for you to go your separate ways.
One of you might meet someone and I think having a similar timeline in mind if that person wants to move on also would help in giving you some certainty.

No matter how much planning you do there will be teething problems between more than likely the children.

I know you are both struggling financially atm but are you both on the same page regarding finances because no matter how much you get on if one of you is leaving lights on or boiling full kettles for one cup of water it will immediately get on the others nerves.
Also I would put into a contract how many times per week the other will baby sit, who does the washing up, ironing etc

I think it is a brilliant idea and more people should try it if they have a friend or family member you get on with.

Just have a very good contract overnight every sticking point and penalties of you don’t stick to it.

Sounds imbalanced.

She moves into YOUR existing home.
She moves a big distance into YOUR area.
YOU already have school commitments.
YOU earn significantly more than her.

Would you do this the other way round?
Are YOU open to selling up, leaving your home, moving DCs schools and moving to another area?

What specifically are the differences in parenting? What have the issues been?

It seems the logistics and finances suit you very well - minimal disruption / risk for your finances and logistics with many potential benefits. She on the other hand has major disruption and risk to her finances and logistics.

Would you having an au pair give you most of what you need?

What will be the emotional impact on the children of sharing their home, changing the rules etc. Maybe have a look at the step-parenting thread to get an idea of what things come up - because is that not what you will become? Was that what you wanted to raise another persons children.

I would look v closely at why both of your marriages / relationships failed at such an early part of parenting.

I know two women who did this years ago. Just be prepared for everyone to assume you are a gay couple, but I would definitely go for this. I think it I would be a brilliant idea for older women too, a couple of widows perhaps, to stave off loneliness.

I think it sounds a lovely idea. Yes, there's some stuff to sort to do with children/discipline/bills etc that needs sorting(maybe some in a contract of some kind) but it sounds a great idea. 6 months as a trial run is a good idea even. Certainly don't think it means neither of you could ever date/meet anyone again, if anything it would make it easier as you can watch each other's kids.

I also did not plan to charge her anything towards my mortgage - it is not like I suddenly will be paying more.

How are you going to deal with repairs like a new boiler etc?

What about decorating, new carpets and the likes?

There could potentially be a big difference in that - with good tenants she could be making a profit and having her mortgage paid, yet you’ll still be paying yours yourself. Will that cause an income disparity?
What about the fact that the wear and tear on your house will be more with double people?

I did this years ago when my son was about 6, and my friends kids were similar ages. We rented a big house with plenty of room for everyone to have their own space, and were very compatible in terms of how we dealt with our kids. The kids got on really well, other than the inevitable punch ups and arguments over silly things, and my friend and I enjoyed each others company, and shared all the housework equally, so it was a really nice way to live.

"I also did not plan to charge her anything towards my mortgage - it is not like I suddenly will be paying more."

No, you won't be paying more, but you will be in some sense getting less, in as much as you will be sharing your home. It seems somehow off if she is not paying housing costs at all and all the while benefiting from capital appreciation plus rental income from her own home.

Not saying you shouldn't go ahead, but that doesn't seem really right? She could pay in some other way, but just because you are keen on the idea and even if she has no mal intent, there's something about skin in the game I guess.

I think this is a brilliant idea, I've thought about this kind of arrangement.

However, it's important to think about how either if you could exit the arrangement if you wanted to. Perhaps agree a set time period when you review it and see what you both think?

The key thing is, do you have a similar parenting skills, rules and expectations for all the children?

That’s normally what makes or break a family merge. It is heaven when you do but if you want to see how it is when it doesn’t head to the step-parenting topic.

Sounds perfect. I often think that when Dh dies I'd like to live with women on a commune, but this sounds better.

Twelve years into just such an arrangement

We didn’t have any formal arrangements in place at all
We were both determined that this was a new start and that we would support each other
We have weathered some very traumatic times, including long term illness and then death of two parents; operations and ongoing mental health issues
We firmly believe it is much better than living with a man!

If I divorce my DH can I move in too please!

Plus I loved Kate & Allie!

Good luck Op.

Sounds brilliant. Go for it!!

That's a problem, Boston

You will fall out over money - if she is living rent free and paying her mortgage with tenants and they damage her property; or her kids damage yours...that's where squabbles begin.

I'd assume you are going to fall out over money, territory and parenting style - and chat through worst scene scenarios. MN has plenty of examples of each of those.

The OP is giving this a lot more thought than a lot of couples do when they decide 5o move in together.

Is there a decent second principal bedroom for your friend?

planned not panned

No intention from any of us to remarry or even live with a man again until our children are much older.

Yes providing that remains the case, it sounds a fabulous idea. If only more women would do this as an antidote to loneliness instead of saddling their poor children with a revolving door of unsuitable stepfathers then it would be a happier world.

Would you be buying, or renting together?

Potential pitfalls are that one of you does meet someone they want to move in with, sooner than panned in theory. (quite likely I imagine.)

Your children do not get along, or one of you thinks the other picks on your child while thinking their own is perfect.

But those are very real risks in any blended family.

All in all, I'd say go for it, but draw up a contract of expectations and rules to avoid any moving of goalposts later.

I think this is a fabulous idea and wish I could do this too but I don't have many single friends with children the same age (I am an older mum)
Repeating what others have said
Trial for a month where you still pay the bills on her house before she rents it out.
Write an exit plan, how much notice do you give each other how will things disentangle etc.
Agree and write parenting rules for the house.write down all the scenarios and agree how you will deal with them including one child bullying another to more normal stuff of bedtimes and when they can have sweets and screen time.
Schedule I'm a formal once a month meeting where you can get everything out on the table and make amendments.
Agree finances including what oercentages go into the joint account, what happens with bonuses etc.
Make sure you take your children out to do things without them sometimes.
Make sure you have enough devices of similar quality for the children so there is no sharing or resentment
Agree emergency plans if both of you are in London and the trains go down.
Most importantly enjoy the company and someone to bounce ideas and problems off of.

^Is suggest it’s worth renting somewhere new together rather than one family move in with the other

That would be not very rational financially, as both of us are higher rate taxpayers (so any rent will be taxed at 40%).^

@abostonfiancee no, rental income is treated differently. Any PROFIT is taxed at 40% (no matter what you earn) but there are various allowable expenses you can deduct.

Agree it may not make sense long term but I would do it for the first year to see if it can work.

My now DH and i did this (rather than one of us moving into the others flat) we then sold and bought somewhere new together two years later.

Anyway if your friend moves in with you she’ll become your Tennant (unless what she contributes is less than the rent a room scheme) and you’ll be taxed on that. And she’ll be renting her place out and taxed on that already so it may not make much difference.

If you're in it for the long hall

If OP's only in it for the size of the rooms in this woman's house, I don't think it's gonna work out.