"Boston marriage" - any experience?

“I did not have maternity leaves with either over the statutory two weeks,”

Why did you do that?

It’s 6 weeks in the UK on 90% salary?

*bills, don't know why I mentioned e;ectrovy seperalt

I have two friends in the states who have lived this way for over 20 years. They are both artists with a really camp vintage aesthetic and they bought a massive old American Victorian house (think Addams Family-style detached house with a turret, not brick terrace) which is painted in cartoon colours inside and out. They have both had boyfriends come and go over the years and friend B had a child who tragically died very young due to a congenital illness but in his short life, they raised him together. They are now selling their crazy beautiful house to move to one of their hometowns to be near friend A's elderly mother (friend B's parents died years ago) because their families are now entirely integrated - Friend A's mother has a beautiful old house and a working fruit farm and orchard which they are planning on turning into B&B once they build a smaller house on the property for the mother to live in.

Anyway, all that to say that it can work beautifully. I wish it were more normalised.

What happens if you fall out to the extent that you don't speak afterwards? Your kids don't just lose their friends, but they lose a parental figure in their lives too - and your friend has no obligation to remain in touch afterwards either.

Staying with someone on holiday is very very different to living with someone full-time while you both juggle full-time jobs, housework, looking after your own DC, school runs, activities, homework etc.

I would like you to tell me where I said it would be different if a man (or, as you so poetically put it, "a dick") were involved.

My comment would have been exactly the same if the OP and her children were proposing to live with a man and his children. It is an absolutely massive decision, whoever you're proposing to live with.

I think it's completely different once the children have all left home. I can see lots of advantages to it then (though I'd still rather have my own space).

I thought @OnwardsAndSideways1 's post was very sensible all round.

I wouldn’t, due to the high risks of issues in ‘blended families’.

Their own fathers will be deciding where/when/if your DCs go to private school in the event of your death - doesn’t matter how much money you have left your friend (she could put it all on a horse!) - suggest you invest in some expert legal advice.

Also I am really impressed that on a single salary in London you can pay out full time childcare / school fees for two DCs, after 2 relatively recent maternity leaves, have multiple investments abroad and live in a 6 bedroomed house. You go girl!

What an odd way of looking at things!

How is it odd, @icedcoffees - especially as you think the same as I do:

It should be a big decision to move ANYONE into your childs' home, whether they have a dick or not. The impact on the child if things go south isn't going to be any different because OP is going to be living with a woman.?

OP is obviously putting a lot of thought & planning into this. I haven't seen a single cavalier or dismissive word from her on the topic.
But PP came over all scoldy, like she & her pal are incapable of making a sensible decision - compare that with the tone of hundreds of other threads about wanting to move in with a man & it's all -
"he needs to show you commitment" "make sure you get married" etc.

The comment I quoted irked me. It doesn't tend to be said when a woman is deliberating about whether to live with a man. Because that's perceived as a "normal" progression.

It should be a big decision to move ANYONE into your childs' home, whether they have a dick or not. The impact on the child if things go south isn't going to be any different because OP is going to be living with a woman.

But doesn't solve the housing and childcare costs are crippling problem mentioned in the OP.

It would solve the childcare costs in the same way living together will.

And since the OP isn’t planning to ask a contribution to her mortgage it’ll not make a negative difference.

Given that neither of you has been a single parent for very long, I wouldn't make big decisions at this stage.

FFS.
Women move in with men all the time - often when they've only known them a few months.

Why is it suddenly "a big decision" simply because a man isn't involved? Do you think 2 adult, high powered women aren't able to make sensible decisions without some dick being on offer?

Maybe the ideal would be two houses adjacent to each other à la Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter?

Don't know why everyone is saying brilliant, great, ideal, perfect- can't think of anything worse myself and I say that as a single parent who also feels lonely at times.

It seems to me to have the disadvantages of a second marriage (day to day irritations, trying to blend families, different parenting styles) with no sex.

I don't think it's wrong to try- people move in with highly unsuitable men all the time and try to make it work (most second/third marriages fail) and your 'partner' seems like a great person but...if I had an amazing friendship, went on holidays, could do big events together (like Christmas) I'd keep that valuable thing and not try to change it into a living arrangement.

It is not similar to most of the communities/communes that I know of- in those people have their own living quarters usually and then shared space/shared food, so the community aspect is not shoved in their faces. Decisions are made democratically by the community. Even then it is stressful for some.

Living with one good female friend once the kids have flown the nest is not really the same at all. Most marriages would probably be ok if you didn't have the exhaustion of kids/parenting/stress/pulling apart- and many of the rocky one's I've known have gone on to improve once the child-rearing is over (or they just split up).

To me, two families with a mum heading each is too intense, or it would be for me anyway, but I do like to do things my own way as do most people these days. As a shorter term thing, it could be ok for a few year, but by teenage years I wouldn't think the teens would be into it much at all. As someone else said, if you think children like living with other non-related children, visit the step-parent board. It's bad enough with their own siblings...

I don't think it's wrong to try though, and no worse than what a lot of people do when they try again- it's just it'll be like a second marriage without the sex. Being with a woman isn't going to make everything easier IMO because the issue isn't whether you two get on, it's how do you combine two households, lifestyles, life needs, changes in circumstance and so on

I know many people who have lived in communities/communes and think people are idealising these situations as they are sick of heteronormative marriage, more than because actually, they'd really like to live with lots of other people day in day out!

This sounds like such a good plan but only could work if both of you agree on certain things and hold values of a similar nature in integrity.
My two half siblings came together as similar aged dc aged 6-8 boy and girl and lived together until they left home well into their 20's. They are each other's best friends and nothing will ever break that relationship, they're approaching their 50's now so I think that's safe to say! So I think that part depends on how you manage it.

The bit I'd be most concerned about is the legal aspect. Especially surrounding finances. Lots of scenarios could entail one of you deciding you no longer wish to live this way. Perhaps it might be more fair for both parties if you both let your houses out and rent a neutral place.

This was the exact premise of a US TV series In the 1980s. It was called Kate and Allie. Jane Curtin played one of the women.

Sounds like a great idea - there was an american sitcom with this premise in the 80s called Kate and Allie. As long as you have a clear agreement about how it may end, how things will be divided or run, and how you will resolve any disagreements, I think it is an amazing idea. Good luck with it, such a great idea.

Yes, we are beneficiaries on each other's life insurance exactly for that reason. I would not say exactly "happy" as it is a strange way to describe jt, but I would consider it my responsibility, yes. I mean, of course, unless the father comes out of the woodwork.

Surely both fathers have a say in who looks after their DC if their mother dies? Why would you leave your money to someone who is likely not to be looking after your DCs?