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Original poster

"Boston marriage" - any experience?

314 replies

abostonfiancee · 20/11/2021 20:52

In the historical understanding - i.e. two women living together as a household, or even a family unit, but without the underlying romantic / sexual relationship.

Discussed it with an old friend (we know each other for 20+ years), firstly as a joke, but then it actually turned into a serious discussion... and then into planning. We used to flat-share during the student years, and then were often on-off coach-surfing at each other's places for a couple of weeks at a time, and just joked that it was the healthiest and the most pleasurable co-habitation experience both of us have ever had (including our marriages). We get along extremely well together, all our friendship teething problems are (hopefully) well in the past.

We both are single mothers in professional jobs (same industry too), our children are approximately same age and are good friends. The housing and childcare costs are crippling us both, and we both are very lonely. No intention from any of us to remarry or even live with a man again until our children are much older.

Any obvious drawbacks to the plan?

OP posts:
erinaceus · 20/11/2021 21:44

Don't forget to talk about schools. It could be difficult for the children if you end up sending one family state and one family private.

Similarly, holidays -- do you plan to go on holiday together? It could be difficult if one family is going for a fortnight to Florida and the other is caravanning on the Norfolk broads.

Maybe trial it for something like the summer holidays so that no one has to move schools whilst you try.

You would need to brainstorm and map out every scenario you can think of. Home repairs? Big school trips? Takeaways every Friday night?

It does sound good though!

spotcheck · 20/11/2021 21:43

I think it's a brilliant idea, and I wonder why more people don't do this. So many people are in silos, financially and practically overwhelmed by their lives. I think this would be such a great solution for so many people.
I would have a talk and figure out ground rules/ scenarios before anything happens.
Also go to a solicitor in case there are legal implications you haven't forseen. Also I would figure out what happens if the rental needs work, or if one of you loses your job.

Original poster
abostonfiancee · 20/11/2021 21:43

@icedcoffees

If you currently live 90 minutes apart, what's going to happen with work? Will she commute? If so, will she need to pay for childcare when you don't? Or will you be responsible for collecting her DC and sorting homework and bedtime?

What happens with things like the food shop, cooking, housework? I know you say you'll outsource most of it but you can't outsource everything...

Do you both have the same approach to housework and cleanliness?

We both commute to the City, just from different corners of London (similar commute from both places). And both of our jobs are 80%-90% wfh now.

At the moment we think we'll get a nanny who will cover the childcare side.

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NuffSaidSam · 20/11/2021 21:43

I think the children being so little will make it much easier, they'll grow up together and not know any different.

Although, it's worth thinking about how they'll then cope if/when the arrangement comes to an end.

EuromamaAussiekids · 20/11/2021 21:42

It sounds very interesting

TheGirlInTheGreenDress · 20/11/2021 21:42

If they are moving in to your existing home, I would think about how to make them feel like it’s properly their home too and that they don’t feel like visitors (and that you don’t feel like a host). I’d worry it would feel unequal somehow otherwise.

Original poster
abostonfiancee · 20/11/2021 21:40

@nimbuscloud

So her children will move schools? Will they go to your children’s school?
Only one child of all of them is of school age and it is one of mine. Yes, intended that they will go to the same school.
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imnotacelebritygetmeoutofhere · 20/11/2021 21:40

You might be good friends, and your children good friends too, but do you have the same ideas and approaches to parenting? Moving in together presumably means co-parenting so there would need to be the same approach in common. This would make a difference for me - approaches to little things like bedtimes, manners, doing homework, eating habits, etc.

Original poster
abostonfiancee · 20/11/2021 21:39

@Lottle

Just putting this out there. This could just be me but...I couldn't live with someone I couldn't fart in front of.
Ah that barrier has been taken long time ago Smile
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Original poster
abostonfiancee · 20/11/2021 21:39

@A8mint

Any obvious drawbacks to the plan?

The obvious drawback is when one of you gets into a relationship, or do you both intend to spend the rest of your like celebate and loveless? what if Mr Right comes along?

And why the stupid name-Boston Maariage, when what you are talking about is a houseshare?

I am not talking about a houseshare here, I am talking about genuine companionship, friendship and support - and sharing the mental load and the financials as a family would.

No issue with having relationships, of course... and neither of us plans to stay celibate, we both have fwb type arrangements with someone (different people I hasten to add Grin)

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icedcoffees · 20/11/2021 21:38

If you currently live 90 minutes apart, what's going to happen with work? Will she commute? If so, will she need to pay for childcare when you don't? Or will you be responsible for collecting her DC and sorting homework and bedtime?

What happens with things like the food shop, cooking, housework? I know you say you'll outsource most of it but you can't outsource everything...

Do you both have the same approach to housework and cleanliness?

OhWhyNot · 20/11/2021 21:37

I used to dream of this when ds was little

I looked online for other single mums, looked on forums but couldn’t find anything

I think it’s a great idea

Lottle · 20/11/2021 21:36

Just putting this out there. This could just be me but...I couldn't live with someone I couldn't fart in front of.

Taswama · 20/11/2021 21:36

This does sound like an amazing idea. DP was away for a week this week and by day 3 I was so lonely dealing with the kids on my own and having no-one to chat with in the evenings. I have a new found respect for all single parents.

I agree ground rules and a constant open dialogue would be necessary but it sounds completely feasible.

Original poster
abostonfiancee · 20/11/2021 21:35

@wouldthatbeworse

Is it definitely platonic for both of you? Even if not an issue How are all adults and kids going to handle the constant suggestion that you are a couple/ kids have 2 mums. Obvs there is 1000% nothing wrong with this so fuck anyone who judges but it may be confusing for your young kids.
Definitely platonic for both of us. Yes, good point - we probably will look like a same sex couple to the outside, but tbh I don't really care that much.
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nimbuscloud · 20/11/2021 21:34

So her children will move schools? Will they go to your children’s school?

Original poster
abostonfiancee · 20/11/2021 21:34

@EnidFrighten

Do either of you have family who visit and stay with you? That could be annoying if it's not your own.

I think it sounds great but you'd need to harmonise your approaches to child rearing, I don't think it would go well to eg have one child having two hours screen time and the other one hour, or one allowed junk food and the other not. I think you'd basically have to be co-parenting both children for it to work.

Family visits infrequently, once or twice a year. Yes, fair point about the co-parenting.
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UndertonesOfCake · 20/11/2021 21:33

I know a pair in early retirement who have done this. It seems to be going well - they've been living together for over a decade!

Original poster
abostonfiancee · 20/11/2021 21:33

@VanCleefArpels

Are your incomes similar so you can share the bills? If not how would these be split? Would you each cook for everyone or just your own kids? How will you share the “wife work”?
I am on ~20%-30% more, but otherwise good professional salaries both (both between 50K and 100K). Haven't discussed exactly how the bills will be split yet. Most of the cleaning and cooking is likely to be outsourced tbh, we both work quite long hours and are similarly lazy.
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RandomMess · 20/11/2021 21:32

As time goes on I think irritation will set in.

It's worth trying but could be very well wearing.

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/11/2021 21:31

I just need to work out what to do with my DH

That's what sheds are for, surely.

I think this is the kind of living arrangement which should be an option. Along with cluster housing like in Scandinavia, extended family housing like Singapore and tiny home parks like the US.

We are far far rigid with what works.

A8mint · 20/11/2021 21:30

Any obvious drawbacks to the plan?

The obvious drawback is when one of you gets into a relationship, or do you both intend to spend the rest of your like celebate and loveless? what if Mr Right comes along?

And why the stupid name-Boston Maariage, when what you are talking about is a houseshare?

wouldthatbeworse · 20/11/2021 21:29

Is it definitely platonic for both of you? Even if not an issue How are all adults and kids going to handle the constant suggestion that you are a couple/ kids have 2 mums. Obvs there is 1000% nothing wrong with this so fuck anyone who judges but it may be confusing for your young kids.

EnidFrighten · 20/11/2021 21:28

Do either of you have family who visit and stay with you? That could be annoying if it's not your own.

I think it sounds great but you'd need to harmonise your approaches to child rearing, I don't think it would go well to eg have one child having two hours screen time and the other one hour, or one allowed junk food and the other not. I think you'd basically have to be co-parenting both children for it to work.

Original poster
abostonfiancee · 20/11/2021 21:28

@icedcoffees

What happens re. childcare if one wants to go out without the other? Will you be happy looking after all the children?

What if one of you does meet someone and decides to break the agreement?

Yes, we do babysit for one other now (not very frequently though as currently living around 90 mins apart).

If one of us meets someone else and decides to break the agreement, then the agreement is broken, I guess.

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