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Original poster

To not want my 19 year old moving to Canada alone?

585 replies

MiddayMass · 15/11/2021 02:19

She has 0 connections in Canada. She isn’t particularly academic and uni is her idea of hell but works in hospitality and thrives in that role. The restaurant she works at offered her a manager on duty promotion not long after she started because of how on the ball she is.

All her friends went off to uni in September and I think she’s feeling like it’s time to make a drastic change in her own life too. Which I understand. I thought maybe she’d move into a house share with other young people or something.

Today over dinner she revealed that Canada do a 2 year ‘Working Holiday’ visa for certain countries. You don’t need to be a professional or have a degree, you can go over and work in hospitality just fine. As long as you have somewhere to live, a couple of grand in the bank (she has savings) and health insurance you’re fine. She’s says she’s been looking into it and has already signed up with an agency and has paid fees to go and work on a ski resort this Winter with live-in accommodation. She’s insisted it’s all legit and that she has done all of her research.

To be honest, I smiled about it to her face but I’m scared shitless. Do such jobs actually exist? I’m worried it’s dodgy. She will have no connections in Canada. She insists that the agency has in-country support and that she’s in a Facebook group with other girls her own age who are going to the same town, and that they all plan to meet up once they are there etc. There’s even talk of some of them maybe getting a flat-share as she doesn’t want to be in the hotel accommodation for the full 2 years. She honestly doesn’t seem worried at all. I’m not sure why she chose Canada specifically. Apparently Europe wasn’t drastic enough, she’s not interested in Asia or Africa, Oceania is too far from home and she ‘wouldn’t be seen dead in the USA in its current state’ so she ended up with Canada.

DH isn’t happy either and says he’ll be worried about her, and has suggested that we try and talk her out of it. I don’t want to do that as she is an adult but I am terrified. How would you feel? I never really left my home town or travelled. At DD’s age I was pregnant with her brother and living in a flat 5 minutes away from my parents and so the idea of jetting off to another continent alone at that age is unthinkable to me. I’m not saying I’d rather she was pregnant at 19 living in a grotty flat, I just mean it’s all so foreign to me because I was in such a different situation at her age so I don’t know if my fear is rational or not.

OP posts:
Original poster
MiddayMass · 15/11/2021 22:25

God, this girl bloody amazes me sometimes. She’s back from work and I just asked (in a curious way, not putting her down) “What if you love it and want to stay past the 2 years? What will you do?”

She said “Oh I’ve already looked in to all of that and know some options.”. She mentioned something about scheme (I forgot the name) she’d looked in to. Just in case she loves it and wants to stay. Something about how you don’t necessarily need to be in a skilled role for the scheme and they offer permanent residency to people willing to work in the less bustling provinces. Then she started listing all of the details like how many hours work experience she’d need, all of the technical details etc. She pointed out she might just need to do a Level 2 course at a U.K. college to cover the Canadian high school diploma equivalent requirement. I was 😮 about how much she seemed to have researched it all. Then she joked that I should stop worrying about her wanting to stay there when she hasn’t even started the Working Holiday yet because she might surprise herself and hate it Grin Apparently she’s been planning it all for 2 years.

I’m so proud of her and actually a bit emotional. She does everything for herself and off her own back. She struggled with school, couldn’t do maths and didn’t have the attention span for English and school always made her feel like she was stupid and it was such a hard time for us as a family as she gave up. Looking back I think she’s just such an independent soul who thrives just getting on and doing things for herself.

Sorry I’m going on but I’m having such a proud mum moment. She’s decided what she wants and has just got on with it. Now the initial shock has gone from her telling me last night, I’ve realised just how amazing, self-motivated and independent she is.

OP posts:
Saskatcha · 15/11/2021 22:03

I think some hospitality jobs do qualify for permanent residency maybe. They certainly have done at times. I know that’s not what you’re asking though.

Saskatcha · 15/11/2021 21:57

Canadian here. What she wants to do is very common. Worth doing some background checking on where she’s going, accommodation etc but she should be fine. Hope she has a lovely time.

PickupaPenguin8 · 15/11/2021 21:52

Actually even my own father was bitter and jealous when I went to University.

PickupaPenguin8 · 15/11/2021 21:51

I’m quite shocked to hear about the small town attitudes described here. However I can understand how they originated. In the days when there were no opportunities for WC people, it was best not to hope for too much or want what you could never have. So an attitude of ‘it’s not for you, accept it’, would avoid disappointment and feelings of frustration.
I was told of a great Uncle who could name every flower by its Latin name. He won a scholarship to Grammar school but couldn’t afford to take it as his family needed his wage and could t afford the uniform etc. He also taught himself to play the piano. His family could t afford lessons. MIL left school at 14 to work in a shop. She was very bright but no one dreamed that she might stay on at school or go Uni.
My father was bitter all his life that his father wouldn’t pay for a Commission for him in the Army. His fathers view was that that was for ‘toffs’ and he ought to know his place.
Very sad. Thank God there are more opportunities these days, especially for girls.

tcjotm · 15/11/2021 21:45

@MiddayMass

Hell, even I get caught up in that attitude sometimes. My first post on this thread shows it. But at least I was able to warm to the idea. I’m really glad I made this thread as it’s been brilliant to read other’s experiences.
You sound like a great mum. You’re understandably scared but you’ve benefited from other people’s experiences to embrace it. Her dad is probably also scared but has to realise that she’ll go any way and better she does on good terms with him.
CiaoEB · 15/11/2021 21:41

@MiddayMass

I think it’s hard for people not from a town such as mine to grasp just how bloody insular it can be. DH’s attitude certainly isn’t unusual, and I can see other male relatives having the same reaction.

It’s a case of being personally offended that somebody dares want to leave, especially a girl. The audacity Hmm. Anybody from the town who strives for better gets a “Who do they bloody think they are?” attitude.

Omg I really felt this. I grew up in a rural town and often people are furious when others leave and make new lives for themselves outside. I think part of it is jealousy, it’s not fair they got to do all those things when I didn’t, and part of it is feeling uncomfortable, thinking they’ll have to examine their own motives and reasons for why they didn’t try something different themselves. Thank god your daughter has you backing her. I would keep building her up the way you are and tell her that people have their own negative reactions depending on their own experiences but don’t let it stop her or put her off.
Maulstick · 15/11/2021 20:48

@MiddayMass

I think it’s hard for people not from a town such as mine to grasp just how bloody insular it can be. DH’s attitude certainly isn’t unusual, and I can see other male relatives having the same reaction.

It’s a case of being personally offended that somebody dares want to leave, especially a girl. The audacity Hmm. Anybody from the town who strives for better gets a “Who do they bloody think they are?” attitude.

It’s not unique to ex-mining towns. I’m not British, and grew up surrounded by a similar attitude — leave school at fifteen, it’s safer, don’t let yourself want anything, education/travel are not for the likes of us, only rich people have passports, don’t get above yourself, university’s all right for rich kids, settle down local, never stand out from the crowd, never show you want something or you’ll be disappointed etc etc.

You’re doing the right thing, OP. I had to fight my parents every step of the way to stay on at school till seventeen and do A-Level equivalents, sit university entrance scholarship exams, and they were mortified at how well I did and still tried to dissuade me from going to university.

I would have given years off my life to have even one relative who was even neutral, if not actively encouraging. Irish

BFCfairy · 15/11/2021 20:46

Yanbu to worry for your child but yabu to not want her to go. Sounds like a great experience and currently with a year out and world travel not possible sounds like a fab option

ivykaty44 · 15/11/2021 20:43

A Christmas in in a ski lodge in Canada sounds bloody gorgeous a

I had Christmas in Vancouver, I was back packing for a year, went onto Banff and worked after for a while in a lodge for skiing

travelling at 20 is great fun

DuesToTheDirt · 15/11/2021 20:41

DH can’t. I think he’s going to be a pain in the arse with it and I’ll have to try and nip it in the bud.

Sorry, but with a dad like that I'd want to emigrate too!

CSJobseeker · 15/11/2021 20:39

[quote MiddayMass]@Puzzledandpissedoff

It really annoyed both me and DD. If it was genuinely just a case of being worried and wanting reassurance he’d have been more than happy to look at DD’s phone when she was trying to show him it was all legit. She showed me some stuff this morning it reassured me.

It does still come from a place of worry, but he’s actively trying to put her off and sabotage it for her. He doesn’t actually want reassurance, because that would mean accepting her going.[/quote]
If it was primarily due to worry, he'd have wanted to look at the information.

What it actually is, is that he's threatened by her. He sees her wanting to leave as an implicit criticism of his life and his achievements. Anything she does that goes beyond his experience will be seen as threatening for that reason.

CreepingDeath · 15/11/2021 20:19

She'll have a brilliant time, I went to NZ on my own at 19 and met loads of great people. I know it probably seems daunting her going so far away, but you can keep in touch easily with her because of phones and email.

Thousands of young people do the working holiday visas every year, and Canada is not an unsafe country.

ImmyMc · 15/11/2021 20:16

@smoko

Also "I've never left my hometown or travelled"

I find that quite sad & a small life. Well done for your daughter wanting more for herself & not just following the path you've expected of her.

She sounds like a smart, hardworking & independent person.

No need to be such a dick to the OP. There's nothing wrong with staying in your hometown at all, just as there's nothing wrong with travelling. You're being horrible.
Sparklybanana · 15/11/2021 20:13

It is her right to go off and do something completely different to the rest of her life and your job as a mum to worry completely about all of it. I remember my mum crying as she walked away after dropping me off for my flight to the middle of nowhere. I know she must have been really worried but back then I just thought she was being 'mum'. I'm glad she didnt stop me, I'm glad I did it. I'm not sure I would now! I'm far less brave now

TidyOmlette · 15/11/2021 19:58

Sounds fantastic. I did something similar when I was 17 and it was fantastic. Now as a parent I understand the worry and fear but she’s grown adult and needs to do what makes her happy.

Why not go through it with her? Have a look at the agency and you might feel better about it. Please do not try and put her off it

Lasair · 15/11/2021 19:51

It blows my mind that he doesn’t think her going is a good idea. Why does he think it’s better she works in a limited career in her hometown? She’s only 19! Far too you g to just be on the working/coming home merrygoround!

Iflyaway · 15/11/2021 19:26

I'd be having kittens if she said she wanted to go backpacking in Africa

I've been backpacking in Africa several times and only met wonderful kind hospitable people and had amazing experiences.

Let her go! (Not that you can stop her!). Give her your blessing.

It will be the making of her.

BrightYellowDaffodil · 15/11/2021 19:20

Good for you, OP, both for coming round to the idea AND supporting your DD!

How do you think your DH will react when she a) goes anyway despite his attitude and b) makes a go of it?

On the upside, if I was your DD I'd be damned sure I made a go of it, even if I got cold feet/homesick to start with, just to spite him Grin

Fluffycloudland77 · 15/11/2021 19:08

All she can do is accept her dad is against it out of fear I imagine because it’s so alien to your lives and crack on. I can understand the fear.

She sounds great, I wish I’d had her confidence at 19.

TuftyMarmoset · 15/11/2021 19:02

Haven’t RTFT so not sure if anyone’s mentioned it but you can get travel insurance designed for gap years so that might be something worth looking into to put your mind at ease. And might reassure your DH as well?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 15/11/2021 19:00

He doesn’t actually want reassurance, because that would mean accepting her going

I believe you, MiddayMass, but the thing is that he can't actually stop her going, so she either leaves with his support or he creates a nasty taste around the whole thing which is unlikely to be forgotten

Another danger here is that her DF's attitude could even put her off relaying any small difficulties to you, for fear of his "I told you so!!"

I also get a certain amount of worry about the trip - after all you're mum and dad Smile - but since his reaction's so extreme, are you quite sure credibility with his friends doesn't come into it?

SarahBellam · 15/11/2021 18:55

Well done for coming round. I’m sure your DH will in time. OP, I worked abroad for a few summers and loved every single second of it. It really is transformative in terms of confidence, excitement, motivation, broadening horizons, etc. and I hope that when my DD is a bit older she’ll have the confidence your DD has to go and do something life changing. It will be a great experience for her, and you when you get to see her out there.

CouldThisReallyBe · 15/11/2021 18:55

I did this at 22. She'll have an absolutely brilliant time and it really is the university of life. But I must warn you OP, I "went for a year" and never returned (I wasn't born in the UK). If I were you I'd start to research Canada and make sure your passport is up to date.

Clymene · 15/11/2021 18:53

I would tell your husband that she's going with his blessing or without. But she'll go whatever.

You've read loads of posts on this thread of schisms after parents didn't support their children spreading their wings. Don't let that be your story.

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