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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not want my 19 year old moving to Canada alone?

585 replies

MiddayMass · 15/11/2021 02:19

She has 0 connections in Canada. She isn’t particularly academic and uni is her idea of hell but works in hospitality and thrives in that role. The restaurant she works at offered her a manager on duty promotion not long after she started because of how on the ball she is.

All her friends went off to uni in September and I think she’s feeling like it’s time to make a drastic change in her own life too. Which I understand. I thought maybe she’d move into a house share with other young people or something.

Today over dinner she revealed that Canada do a 2 year ‘Working Holiday’ visa for certain countries. You don’t need to be a professional or have a degree, you can go over and work in hospitality just fine. As long as you have somewhere to live, a couple of grand in the bank (she has savings) and health insurance you’re fine. She’s says she’s been looking into it and has already signed up with an agency and has paid fees to go and work on a ski resort this Winter with live-in accommodation. She’s insisted it’s all legit and that she has done all of her research.

To be honest, I smiled about it to her face but I’m scared shitless. Do such jobs actually exist? I’m worried it’s dodgy. She will have no connections in Canada. She insists that the agency has in-country support and that she’s in a Facebook group with other girls her own age who are going to the same town, and that they all plan to meet up once they are there etc. There’s even talk of some of them maybe getting a flat-share as she doesn’t want to be in the hotel accommodation for the full 2 years. She honestly doesn’t seem worried at all. I’m not sure why she chose Canada specifically. Apparently Europe wasn’t drastic enough, she’s not interested in Asia or Africa, Oceania is too far from home and she ‘wouldn’t be seen dead in the USA in its current state’ so she ended up with Canada.

DH isn’t happy either and says he’ll be worried about her, and has suggested that we try and talk her out of it. I don’t want to do that as she is an adult but I am terrified. How would you feel? I never really left my home town or travelled. At DD’s age I was pregnant with her brother and living in a flat 5 minutes away from my parents and so the idea of jetting off to another continent alone at that age is unthinkable to me. I’m not saying I’d rather she was pregnant at 19 living in a grotty flat, I just mean it’s all so foreign to me because I was in such a different situation at her age so I don’t know if my fear is rational or not.

OP posts:
HelloDulling · 16/11/2021 17:43

She sounds wonderful, and you sound like a super mum. You should be so proud of her, but also of yourself.

Angelil · 16/11/2021 17:38

Let her. I moved abroad when I was 22. She can always come back…

Nedclarity · 16/11/2021 17:37

Sounds amazing. Canada is a pretty safe place. I came to the U.K. just before turning 18 and still here 24 years later. Best thing I ever did. Could you arrange to go and meet her, that way you can see she’s ok with your own eyes but also get a lovely family holiday in.

JollyJoon · 16/11/2021 14:35

She sounds like an incredible young woman, you should be very proud

NativityDreaming · 16/11/2021 13:54

I have nephews who have worked on the ski hills in Canada and they loved it! They shifted areas winter to summer to cover different resorts but there was never a lack of work when they did it.

It is a fantastic experience for young adults and it does help them nature (and have a great time too!)

notasausage · 16/11/2021 13:50

I wanted to do something similar at 21 after graduating - I did a summer camp in North America with BUNAC age 19. I won’t say I had the best time at that camp but I was well supported by BUNAC (needed surgery on a facial injury while I was there - horse related Grin). My mum talked me out of going back on a work visa and I’ve regretted it ever since. Please let her go - just have some money aside for a flight if she needs to come home early.

AliceMcK · 16/11/2021 13:50

@MiddayMass

For what it’s worth I’m not saying I don’t think my DD is capable of being able to stay in Canada at all. I’m just not sure how plausible it is as an unskilled worker? I’ll have to have a read in to whether it can be done if you’re in a management role as DD is capable of progressing to that I think.

There’s always the possibility she absolutely loves the place and decides to go to uni etc with the goal of being able to go there permanently. That’d be a good motivation for her.

I didn’t even get GCSEs at school, my highest grade a D and lowest ungraded, I couldn’t learn anything. School was a place I socialised with my friends, nothing more. I ended up staying in NZ because I was a good worker, I was lucky as the company I worked for wanted to keep me and offered to sponsor me with no formal qualifications because I was good at my job. Several years later I went to university as an adult student.

Also a lot of industries also have their own form of qualifications that you can work towards while working.

I absolutely hate all the focus on qualifications in the UK as if only people who are academically inclined are capable of actually working in decent jobs.

Doomscrolling · 16/11/2021 13:43

@MiddayMass, what a lovely open-minded mum you are. I love how you've sought other perspectives and are now backing your daughter to the hilt. She sounds a resourseful and resilient young woman and I'm sure she'll thrive.

Ralph871 · 16/11/2021 12:58

It’s a case of being personally offended that somebody dares want to leave, especially a girl. The audacity . Anybody from the town who strives for better gets a “Who do they bloody think they are?” attitude.

Just reading a few more of your comments there. My hometown is exactly the same. People are personally offended when you want to leave and can't fathom that you wouldn't just live in the same town your whole life. Must say I didn't get as much grief from my DF but they we aren't particularly close, however several members of family on my late DM's side were astounded I would move to Oz and relationships have really suffered with some because of it.

A lot of people on Mumsnet will never be able to understand your DH attitude but unfortunately I have had first hand experience of it, all I can advise is you make it clear that DD will go regardless of his opinion and he will make the whole process much easier in himself if he tries to be supportive.

Ralph871 · 16/11/2021 12:50

Havent read all the comments @MiddayMass but it seems the majority are very encouraging of your DD.

I'm from a very small town in Scotland that sounds v.similar to where you are from. None of my family had went to uni and couldn't comprehend that I would move to the nearest big city never mind the other side of world.

I first started planning my working holiday to Australia when I was 20 although I was 26 before I finally went with my now DH but we had only been together a short time when we left. Stayed for 7 years, had a great time, fantastic career, ended up having my DC over there but after DC came along and then Covid we made the decision to move back home and I have now found myself living back in my hometown, no one is more surprised than me but I'm very happy and have slotted back in just nicely after many years away.

As terrified as you are it's an absolutely amazing opportunity and good on your DD for having the drive and gumption to do it. My time overseas has really widened my world and taught me so much more than I would have ever learned had I stayed put.

LonelySock · 16/11/2021 11:13

You daughter sounds fantastic!

Your DH sounds like an arse, but hopefully he will see that he'll lose her if he carries on.

I hope you get to go to Canada to visit next year. She sounds a super girl!

CSJobseeker · 16/11/2021 11:04

This - although I'd say that leaving school at 16 or whenever is not the same as 'leaving education.'

100% agree with this. A lot of the education I've done has been done part-time while working (I gained a masters and 3 'Chartered' professional quals this way), and I know plenty of apprentices in big firms doing similar. You're never too old to learn and develop yourself, and the traditional route is not the only way.

Roussette · 16/11/2021 10:44

p.s. Your DD sounds fantastic! and far more organised than mine were when they went off on their adventures!

Roussette · 16/11/2021 10:44

@MiddayMass
This thread is just great and how fantastic you have and are taking on board other posters' experiences.
I do hope you get to visit Canada and see your DD.
And I also hope your DH comes round. It's not his place to be unhappy about her life choices, it's his place to support and help her, not quash her ambitions and hopes.

headintheproverbial · 16/11/2021 10:40

YABVVU. What a fantastic opportunity for her. Why shouldn't she grab life by the horns. Send her off with love and joy and your unfailing support.

Decaffe · 16/11/2021 10:37

@MiddayMass

God, this girl bloody amazes me sometimes. She’s back from work and I just asked (in a curious way, not putting her down) “What if you love it and want to stay past the 2 years? What will you do?”

She said “Oh I’ve already looked in to all of that and know some options.”. She mentioned something about scheme (I forgot the name) she’d looked in to. Just in case she loves it and wants to stay. Something about how you don’t necessarily need to be in a skilled role for the scheme and they offer permanent residency to people willing to work in the less bustling provinces. Then she started listing all of the details like how many hours work experience she’d need, all of the technical details etc. She pointed out she might just need to do a Level 2 course at a U.K. college to cover the Canadian high school diploma equivalent requirement. I was 😮 about how much she seemed to have researched it all. Then she joked that I should stop worrying about her wanting to stay there when she hasn’t even started the Working Holiday yet because she might surprise herself and hate it Grin Apparently she’s been planning it all for 2 years.

I’m so proud of her and actually a bit emotional. She does everything for herself and off her own back. She struggled with school, couldn’t do maths and didn’t have the attention span for English and school always made her feel like she was stupid and it was such a hard time for us as a family as she gave up. Looking back I think she’s just such an independent soul who thrives just getting on and doing things for herself.

Sorry I’m going on but I’m having such a proud mum moment. She’s decided what she wants and has just got on with it. Now the initial shock has gone from her telling me last night, I’ve realised just how amazing, self-motivated and independent she is.

I love this Grin

What a brilliant thread. Flowers to you @MiddayMass

Roussette · 16/11/2021 10:33

@IGotAVaxAndILikedIt

I'm in awe of your story, kudos to you!

I am similar in that I left school at 15 but I'm (probably) a lot older than you and all my DF wanted for me was to have some little job somewhere until I married a 'suitable' man.

I kicked back and left home when I was just 17, lived in shitholes in a town, worked my way up career wise, the flats got better, then I bought one, and basically had a blast.

I never did the abroad adventure by oh my goodness, my DCs have. Inter-railing round Europe, doing the backpacking trail and then eventually having working stints in Sao Paulo Brazil and Taiwan.

You can do no more for children than letting them fly, whilst being the cushion at home whilst they do.

I would never ever want to hold my DCs back. Occasionally I've had a WTAF moment with them when one of them wants to do some harebrained thing... but on the whole they've LIVED.

Havanananana · 16/11/2021 10:00

I’m going to take DD’s moving to Canada as an opportunity for me to see it at some point. [OP]

There's more to the situation than this. A quick bit of maths suggests that the OP is still only in her early 40's, so potentially she has at least half of her life still ahead of her. Perhaps her daughter's trip and ambitions will provide her with the inspiration to take a leap into the great wide world outside of her small town now that the children have flown from the nest.

OP you’ve done a stellar job of raising your DD. Sensible and ambitious and despite leaving education early has thrived.

^ This - although I'd say that leaving school at 16 or whenever is not the same as 'leaving education.' 'Education' can continue under different circumstances and in different ways to just the traditional and formal 12 years at school, and at different times of life. See the post from @IGotAVaxAndILikedIt above. Perhaps even something that the OP herself could consider - after she's finished watching 'Shirley Valentine'.

Helenahandbasketbing · 16/11/2021 09:27

I’m going to take DD’s moving to Canada as an opportunity for me to see it at some point.

This is really great, OP. Good for you.

CliffsofMohair · 16/11/2021 09:20

@AuntieMarys

I'd love to know where you live OP. 😀 Your DH sounds like men who work with mine....never set foot outside their town , can't understand people who have aspiration or education. Good luck to your DD...I hope she never returns to live near such small minded people
I feel a bit sorry for the DH - I think culture is mining towns has always been ‘with each other/looking out for each other’ and with the closing of the mines it was an attack on whole communities and a way of life. It’s not hard to see why people are mistrustful of the outside world and why it might be hard to see why your DD would want to leave your community.

OP you’ve done a stellar job of raising your DD. Sensible and ambitious and despite leaving education early has thrived.

RockinHorseShit · 16/11/2021 08:44

She should have said she planned to go to Africa or South America then compromised with you on Canada. Then you’d have felt much better 😂. I actually did something similar with my parents. I was sure I was going to travel South America solo at 17 but ended up in Europe.

That made me laugh as I remember telling my own DPs I was thinking of backpacking Africa solo at 17, so they'd not make a fuss about France instead Grin

YouJustFoldItIn · 16/11/2021 08:13

That's so true Mimi Grin

MimiDaisy11 · 16/11/2021 07:24

She should have said she planned to go to Africa or South America then compromised with you on Canada. Then you’d have felt much better 😂. I actually did something similar with my parents. I was sure I was going to travel South America solo at 17 but ended up in Europe.

tae19 · 16/11/2021 05:11

Having read what you said about your husband (how old is, his attitudes are very 1950s!) I'm not surprised your daughter wants to leave, I would very quickly get used to the idea she will never live in your town again, poor girl sounds awful! Good on her for getting out!

tae19 · 16/11/2021 05:05

Have you really never heard of this!? Very very common to Canada, Australia and New Zealand, most don't even go as structured as her just turn up and get a job. Brilliant adventure, anyone I know who did ski seasons in Canada loved it.

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