To not want my 19 year old moving to Canada alone?

I don't know where she's going to Canada, but here in Quebec, there's a serious lack of staff (due to trudo paying out money for doing nothing). So she will have no issue finding a job and depending on where she is and her personnality, she can make friends and have a nice experience. But of course, as a mother, I absolutely understand you.

She doesn’t want to be there because she’s not an extension of him and has her own life to live… he’ll get over it surely! He can’t be cross forever, it’s not his decision to make. He can do nothing about this!

My colleague's 22 year old daughter went out yesterday to do it. She has gone to Whistler and has a job to start with out there in some sort of ski restaurant. She too has a two year visa. Her dad who I work with is an intelligent switched on man, there's no way she would have gone if it wasn't ok. He seems very excited for her. Good for your daughter, explore while you can I say

But fundamentally, I don't need them to approve. If I had done the things they'd approved of, I'd have left school at fifteen and had two children and no qualifications by 20.

I’ll mention that I want to try and put a bit of money away to go out there and see her at some point, but no doubt he’ll scoff. He’s tight with money as well

I normally recommend openness in all things, but if you do this, be prepared for him to discover something the money absolutely has to be spent on instead - either that or constant whining about the "waste of money" to spoil your anticipation of a lovely trip

He’ll be sat there twiddling his thumbs waiting for it to go wrong, why would he wish that on his child who wants to go and explore the world?

Because he sounds profoundly limited ...

He doesn't need to 'get why' she doesn't want to be there. He has to accept that she's an adult, an autonomous human being, a person who is in control of her life and she makes the decisions what she wants to do with that life.

Did the same in Australia at 19, stayed on a visa for 3 years.it's a great opportunity at a ski resort she'll meet loads of other young people there. I have family in Canada and it's a great place, went out for 2 summers there. Good luck to her. I'd be getting out of the UK too if I was 19.

Yep it exists and it sounds an amazing opportunity. Of course you are allowed to be a bit worried (same if she moved to another city in the uk), but terrified and DH wanting to persuade her out of it...I despair. Stop clipping your daughters wings just because its not your own personal experience. One Google could have told you these things exist

I don't think it's fair to say that trying to beat down your child's aspirations and deliberately trying to make them feel stupid so you can control their life in order to sooth your own negative self-esteem is motivated by love. That's not what love means. That's not what love looks like. That's not how love behaves.

He has a chip on his shoulder about his own perceived inadequacies and instead of dealing with those feelings himself, he's trying to beat his daughter down so he can feel superior. He doesn't want her to succeed because if she does it will dent his ego - that's twisted. If she 'fails' he feels superior so he is actively trying to ensure she does fail.

It's hardly any wonder she has spent 2 years planning this in secret when - by your own admission - her father has a track record of stomping all over her dreams and putting her down to make himself feel good.

It must have taken great courage and determination for her to pursue this with that background.

Yes, OP, I suspected your DH was living vicariously through your DC before you said so. That's because my DF tries to do the same thing.

I'm in my mid 20s and trying to do similar to your DD (a MSc. in another continent) and DF just can't wrap his head around it. Oh, he supports me enough, but he just doesn't understand why I would try, when I could follow in his footsteps here working only mornings and earning more.

The reality is that I don't want to, and no matter how often DF says "You're wasting your time studying Science" I'll stick to this third world country and build new builds.

When DB dropped out of the course DF had carefully picked for him, DF went to his bedroom and cried in defeat. Never mind that DB is much happier now. It's this sort of thing, isn't it? If a set path worked for them, why bother following a different one?

I'd tell your DD to go, even without your DH's approval. That she's got you for whatever she needs, and that you're so proud of how much she's researched.

I would talk to her about the subject whenever she brings it up .Keep up the interest ,discuss the pros and cons and your safety worries .Do your research ,with her and on your own .It will all work out ok I'm sure .She sounds confident and headstrong ,just be with her every step of the way .

Good luck to your daughter, I hope she has a great time. I used to buy the Lady magazine and dream of travelling and working in other countries as an au pair, it's great she's brave and ready for adventure. My daughter did an international degree with a year in Hamilton in Canada, she had a great time. Do buy her the best snow boots you can afford, Sorel are good.

When I first read your post, I thought she was literally buying a plane ticket and flying out on her own to an airport in Canada, with the idea she could sort out the arrangements once she got there. Definitely no.

BUNAC is about as reliable as things get. Your daughter is not planning anything remotely worrying.

I haven't lived in my home country since I left university. It's sad for my parents (I get that) but we still see each other regularly (pre-COVID and again soon), probably as often as, for example, if I were living in another part of the US that was a couple of thousand miles away (possible.)

Your DH needs to realise your daughter is very likely to go, regardless, and he can either have a good relationship with her in the future or he can set the situation up for a possible estrangement from her.

"If he lets her go without his blessing and puts a dampener on it for her I’ll be utterly devastated"

But this won't happen. Once she gets to Canada she'll be too busy working, experiencing new things and having a good time for her father's comments to take up any of her mind space. If anything, his comments will make the experience sweeter when she sees that she can in fact blossom somewhere other than in the small community in which she has grown up.

Experienced hospitality staff can earn good money in Canada, particularly in the winter resorts, and many places are now year-round resorts. In the short off-season periods (e.g. end of April, November) she can go travelling. Season workers tend to buy or rent a car or van at these times and go off exploring together for a few weeks.

I think its a fab idea! Don't clip her wings with your fears. Canada is a lovely place.
Remind yourself of what you were doing at her age.
I went off travelling on my own at 22 with no mobiles, only letters. I worked hard to get there and I loved it. I look back fondly some 30 years later and would miss my kids, but would never stop them having that same adventure. It taught me independence, confidence, and I learned to get on with life.
Send her on a self defence course, make sure she has watsapp, email. Get her to contact other travellers, join the Youth Hostelling Association. Preparation is everything and you'll both feel better knowing you helped and she feels supported. Good luck.

@JadeTrinket
No not jet, a private language school programme.
Was on the outskirts of Tokyo.

I wouldn’t say it was the best days of my life, living as a single gaijin in Japan is hard going. Obviously the language is a huge factor which wouldn’t be the case in Canada. But a very valuable life experience for me.

Your DD sounds brilliant! I hope my DD does more travelling than I ended up doing. I did live in various places across the U.K. with friends, having left home straight after my A Levels. I returned home eventually but l be encouraging mine to get out there and see what the world has to offer.

I’m also from an ex mining town but your DH sounds like an arsehole, quite frankly.

OP show your DH this thread.

Wow, great your daughter seems to be mature enough to start spreading her wings, you can keep in touch via skype. Canada is a fabulous start and they speak English.
I get it though, all of us worry about our siblings.
Did same as you, as i grew up, children now have such wonderful opportunities we never had. Im very envious tbh.

I did similar at that age. She'll fine and grow in confidence, with many lessons learned. She sounds great!

It sounds like an opportunity of a lifetime and she should go for it. But you’re not unreasonable, I wouldn’t want my baby going so far either in case she put roots down and stays.