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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want my 19 year old moving to Canada alone?

585 replies

MiddayMass · 15/11/2021 02:19

She has 0 connections in Canada. She isn’t particularly academic and uni is her idea of hell but works in hospitality and thrives in that role. The restaurant she works at offered her a manager on duty promotion not long after she started because of how on the ball she is.

All her friends went off to uni in September and I think she’s feeling like it’s time to make a drastic change in her own life too. Which I understand. I thought maybe she’d move into a house share with other young people or something.

Today over dinner she revealed that Canada do a 2 year ‘Working Holiday’ visa for certain countries. You don’t need to be a professional or have a degree, you can go over and work in hospitality just fine. As long as you have somewhere to live, a couple of grand in the bank (she has savings) and health insurance you’re fine. She’s says she’s been looking into it and has already signed up with an agency and has paid fees to go and work on a ski resort this Winter with live-in accommodation. She’s insisted it’s all legit and that she has done all of her research.

To be honest, I smiled about it to her face but I’m scared shitless. Do such jobs actually exist? I’m worried it’s dodgy. She will have no connections in Canada. She insists that the agency has in-country support and that she’s in a Facebook group with other girls her own age who are going to the same town, and that they all plan to meet up once they are there etc. There’s even talk of some of them maybe getting a flat-share as she doesn’t want to be in the hotel accommodation for the full 2 years. She honestly doesn’t seem worried at all. I’m not sure why she chose Canada specifically. Apparently Europe wasn’t drastic enough, she’s not interested in Asia or Africa, Oceania is too far from home and she ‘wouldn’t be seen dead in the USA in its current state’ so she ended up with Canada.

DH isn’t happy either and says he’ll be worried about her, and has suggested that we try and talk her out of it. I don’t want to do that as she is an adult but I am terrified. How would you feel? I never really left my home town or travelled. At DD’s age I was pregnant with her brother and living in a flat 5 minutes away from my parents and so the idea of jetting off to another continent alone at that age is unthinkable to me. I’m not saying I’d rather she was pregnant at 19 living in a grotty flat, I just mean it’s all so foreign to me because I was in such a different situation at her age so I don’t know if my fear is rational or not.

OP posts:
MiddayMass · 15/11/2021 06:31

Oh goodness, I can’t think about her not coming back. I’ll start blubbing and will wake DH up. She doesn’t have qualifications past GCSE so I don’t think she’ll have much chance of staying past the 2 years unless she meets somebody and they end up living together and marriage etc.

OP posts:
Scabz · 15/11/2021 06:31

Well done for bringing her up with the confidence to do it. Sounds great!

PermanentTemporary · 15/11/2021 06:31

How amazing. Good for your dd. I went for a student exchange trip to America aged 20 and loved it so much, luckily my parents only encouraged me.

I'd take your husband out to the pub and talk it through with him. The 'our child is not a clone of us and is going to make different choices and we need to support her, of course we're terrified but it's actually great she's doing this' conversation.

Youhaveyourhandsfull · 15/11/2021 06:30

That sounds fun. There are a lot of vacancies for these types of job here at the moment. Very common to do the jobs you’re mentioning on live in basis.
Just a minor point on health insurance, you don’t need that ongoing. Just 90 days and then she will qualify for state health cover.
She will have a great time. Worst case scenario she doesn’t and just gets a plane home.

TasteTheMeatNotTheHeat · 15/11/2021 06:30

I think it would be very wrong of you to try and talk her out of it. Also, it probably wouldn't work.

Wave her off with a big smile. You don't want her feeling like you're holding her back. That isn't what a parent is supposed to do.

Gohugatree · 15/11/2021 06:29

She'll probably have the time of her life. It's pretty much a gap year isn't it.

sashh · 15/11/2021 06:28

Make sure she has insurance, not just health insurance but 'working holiday' insurance, and check the small print.

One of my friends went to Australia on a similar scheme and the insurance small print hid some surprise eg one didn't cover manual labour such as fruit picking, which is a popular job for working holiday visas.

Also check prices of 'round the world' tickets in can be cheaper than return.

I don't wish to scare you OP but she could do 2 years in Canada, then 1 or 2 years in Australia and then New Zealand (depending on covid restrictions).

She will have a blast.

Zotter · 15/11/2021 06:28

My nephew worked as a ski instructor in Canada at age 18 for a season. He loved it and gave him a lot of confidence.

Londonnight · 15/11/2021 06:25

My daughter in law did something similar, though the other way round! She is from Canada and came to the UK on a working visa at 19. It is a great thing to do to expand themselves. She had a fantastic time. She did it on her own too, not knowing anyone in this country.
My son met her when she was working here and has now lived in Canada for 20 years. I have now visited many times. it is a great country. You could always go for a holiday next year to visit and see for yourself what it's like.

Your daughter sounds very clued up and knows what she wants. She has done the research needed. You need to support her. It is so easy to stay in touch now. I had had expensive phone calls when my son first went to Canada. If she doesn't like it, she can always come home, though I am sure she won't.

My sons all did gap years, Europe and Australia. I couldn't imagine never leaving the place i lived all my life, I think it is quite sad that you haven't ever wanted to see other places - I have moved around the UK a lot over the years and travelled the world.

ApolloandDaphne · 15/11/2021 06:24

It sounds fantastic. My DDs did summer work in the US through BUNAC. They loved it and it made them much more confident and independent. Let her go and enjoy her youth.

Tumbleweed101 · 15/11/2021 06:20

I didn’t do that but did go travelling for three months in Canada at 19yr. Was the most amazing experience and still remember it vividly over 20yrs later. One of the best things I ever did. I’ve been to Canada a few times and the people are lovely and helpful and chilled out. She’ll have a great time.

CJsGoldfish · 15/11/2021 06:19

The norm here is settled with kids by 25
How depressing.
TBH, I'd feel I failed if that was all my dd aimed/settled for.

How amazing that she has taken this step in spite of having a father with the attitude hers has. I'd be so proud of her OP.
Good luck to her, hope she has a wonderful adventure Smile

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Gingembre · 15/11/2021 06:15

It'll be brilliant for your DD.

It's understandable that DH doesn't get it because it's literally the opposite to his life choices. It can be challenging when people close to us make completely different life choices to ours. The U.K. is great. Doesn't mean Canada - or anywhere else - isn't. He needs to change how he's thinking about this and it might help for him to understand she's not rejecting him, he's not done anything wrong by her wanting to leave (nor have you), you've actually been pretty amazing parents to have such an independent daughter. Especially at a time when so many young people are afraid of even hearing an opinion they don't like.

I agree about having money ring fenced to help her if she needs an emergency fund.

I'd add that making sure she knows that even though she's obviously incredibly competent, you're still there for her, even if it's just a listening ear. I didn't have that and when difficult things happened, I was alone, without any emotional support. That was horrible, actually worse in some ways than the events themselves. She may never need it, but just knowing you're there will be supportive in itself.

I went to Australia aged 18 with no job. I'd booked 2-3 nights in a hostel. I didn't go with an agency. The kids who went with Bunac had everything sorted for them - they just had to get on the flight! They also had contact people to ask about things to if they needed. Your DD is not actually going alone. She'll likely be on the flight with others doing the same thing.

YanTanTetheraPetheraPimp · 15/11/2021 06:08

Good for her! I do not understand parents who think it’s fine to sabotage their DCs dreams 😡 Your husband needs to understand that he’s being utterly unreasonable and very selfish. He’ll drive her away faster than anything else with his ridiculous attitude.
My DD has worked in many far more dangerous countries (Uzbekistan, South Africa, Angola amongst others) and had amazing experiences (plus a few I suspect that were less so!). I would never even contemplate trying to dissuade her.

HP87 · 15/11/2021 06:06

Your dh sounds exactly like my dad. Assumes everything we do is wrong and not thought out. Me going to uni in a different town (to get away from him) rather than live at home and stay local would apparently ruin my life.

I came back with a now successful husband and have two kids and that's unfortunately my only saving grace of why he doesn't still go on about it. (I don't have a job in my degree area as unfortunately I lost interest and I currently work locally around the kids, I'm sure when/if I tell him I'm planning to study again it will all come up again!)

It really is awful to listen to and he makes me feel incredibly under valued. Everything we do is wrong unless it makes us richer (similar here as to why are you spending money doing that when it "should" be on a house deposit).

He tries to have such a hold on our life and its just shit to listen to, none of us speak to him much about life decisions anymore etc.

Sorry I'm rambling a bit but I can honestly say if it wasn't for the fact he was still with my mum and a lovely grandad I don't think I'd see him very much.

abstractprojection · 15/11/2021 06:06

19 is a little younger then most who come after Uni but yes lots of work holidays visas here in Vancouver and the nearby ski resorts. They tend to have great communities like ‘Brits in Vancouver’ on FB and would recommend that she joins them but sounds like already has. I’m not sure if you really need to pay agency fees for work though, the hospitality sector here is desperate! But because of covid you need to have a job lined up before you arrive so this might be where this comes in

I’m sure the idea of her being so far away is scary but Canada is a very safe and honest place, much more so then London and any trouble she could get into at a ski resort she could at uni halls, and the pay vs. the cost of living means she should be fine

If I had a kid that age who wasn’t sure what they wanted to do I would recommend it followed by Aus and NZ

violetbunny · 15/11/2021 06:02

At her age I'd already been abroad for a year on my own.

I also did 2 working holidays to 2 different countries in my 20s - it was absolutely brilliant. I'd encourage her to do it now while she can. Much harder once you have settled down in a place for the long term, or when you're older and visas can be much harder to obtain.

pilates · 15/11/2021 05:57

She sounds a bright, mature and confident young woman. I would be supporting her all the way. Funnily enough of all the countries I would be happy for my children to go to Canada would be the one. My DS has already expressed an interest to go there. Don’t put a downer on it for her.

Lasair · 15/11/2021 05:57

Don’t discourage her. This would be a great thing for her to do. It’s very common for 19 yr olds to ho travelling. Let her live her life. She’s 19 and on track to be a manager in a restaurant-that sounds awful to me to have your life figured out so young! Let her have her adventures.

KentuckyCriedFricken · 15/11/2021 05:55

I moved to another country at 19 in 1993 before Internet or smart phones. It was a country that doesn’t speak English and I had a university scholarship there. I survived. My only contact with home was airmail letters and going back to England during the university holidays.

I still live overseas. It was the best decision I made. I met my husband and settled.

TheBlessedCheesemaker · 15/11/2021 05:50

If it’s Whistler then I’d bet the crime stats will be lower than her home town, it’s a lovely place where the biggest risk is probably a hangover or broken wrist.

51Pegasusb · 15/11/2021 05:43

Your daughter will having the most amazing experience and time. She sounds very organised and switched on. Let her go, your DP needs to let her go too. Maybe go and visit her, like a pp said.
But be there for her when (if) she comes, home. Let her know she can always come home. It's what my parents said to me when I left the UK in 1993! I have not been back since ( to live, visits of course), and have lived in three different countries before settling where I am now since 2001. Knowing I could always go home and be welcome without judgement was my secure place if you understand what I mean.

WinterFirTree · 15/11/2021 05:40

I am so glad you are on board with it now. I hope your DH also gets on board because he is doing a good job of clipping her wings and pissing on her chips.

She is bright, proactive, adventurous and resourceful! You have raised a good one!

Curlyshabtree · 15/11/2021 05:39

Good for her! You should be proud that she’s thoroughly researched this and knows what she wants. Please give her your blessing.

MiddayMass · 15/11/2021 05:27

All of your positive comments are definitely helping me to come round to it and take a deep breathe, thank you Smile I’ll still worry but reading your experiences is helping me get excited for her.

DD was not happy when DH implied that it was probably some fake job so that they could take her passport and enslave her. I think she was quite hurt that he thinks she’s that naive. Completely illogical as well, are there really that many Canadian modern slavery rings looking to get Brits on gap years? 🙄 As I said I had my worries also but more about it just being a financial scam.

She’s determined to go so I’m really going to have to have a word with DH because I’d hate her to go with them being on bad terms. It comes from a good place deep down of loving his daughter and worrying about her but no good will come of him constantly shitting on it.

OP posts:
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