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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want my 19 year old moving to Canada alone?

585 replies

MiddayMass · 15/11/2021 02:19

She has 0 connections in Canada. She isn’t particularly academic and uni is her idea of hell but works in hospitality and thrives in that role. The restaurant she works at offered her a manager on duty promotion not long after she started because of how on the ball she is.

All her friends went off to uni in September and I think she’s feeling like it’s time to make a drastic change in her own life too. Which I understand. I thought maybe she’d move into a house share with other young people or something.

Today over dinner she revealed that Canada do a 2 year ‘Working Holiday’ visa for certain countries. You don’t need to be a professional or have a degree, you can go over and work in hospitality just fine. As long as you have somewhere to live, a couple of grand in the bank (she has savings) and health insurance you’re fine. She’s says she’s been looking into it and has already signed up with an agency and has paid fees to go and work on a ski resort this Winter with live-in accommodation. She’s insisted it’s all legit and that she has done all of her research.

To be honest, I smiled about it to her face but I’m scared shitless. Do such jobs actually exist? I’m worried it’s dodgy. She will have no connections in Canada. She insists that the agency has in-country support and that she’s in a Facebook group with other girls her own age who are going to the same town, and that they all plan to meet up once they are there etc. There’s even talk of some of them maybe getting a flat-share as she doesn’t want to be in the hotel accommodation for the full 2 years. She honestly doesn’t seem worried at all. I’m not sure why she chose Canada specifically. Apparently Europe wasn’t drastic enough, she’s not interested in Asia or Africa, Oceania is too far from home and she ‘wouldn’t be seen dead in the USA in its current state’ so she ended up with Canada.

DH isn’t happy either and says he’ll be worried about her, and has suggested that we try and talk her out of it. I don’t want to do that as she is an adult but I am terrified. How would you feel? I never really left my home town or travelled. At DD’s age I was pregnant with her brother and living in a flat 5 minutes away from my parents and so the idea of jetting off to another continent alone at that age is unthinkable to me. I’m not saying I’d rather she was pregnant at 19 living in a grotty flat, I just mean it’s all so foreign to me because I was in such a different situation at her age so I don’t know if my fear is rational or not.

OP posts:
Thisisworsethananticpated · 15/11/2021 10:02

Let her go
I also did a lot of travel and overseas work when younger
I think it’s amazing she is doing this by the way

Nocutenamesleft · 15/11/2021 10:01

Oh. Do it!

I moved to America when I was that age to work in a job I’d be offered.

I hated it. However I am glad I’ve done it! My mum said if I didn’t do it I’d always regret it and she was 100% right

CSJobseeker · 15/11/2021 10:01

@Veronica25

What a great experience. Jus research it to make sure it is safe and a serious Company; maybe you can travel with her and stay there the first few weeks to ensure everything is ok and she is settle. I would be nervous but wouldn't stop her either.
Do not do this!

The WHOLE POINT of the DD travelling is to be independent, make her own way, experience the world on her own terms. Do not even think about going with her while she takes those first steps!

Go and visit maybe when she's been out there several months, and she has settled in enough that she'll be able to show you the sights etc.

AlbasJudgementalCrucifix · 15/11/2021 10:00

maybe you can travel with her and stay there the first few weeks to ensure everything is ok and she is settle.

Fucking hell. Do not do this. For who’s benefit would it be anyway?

Maulstick · 15/11/2021 09:59

maybe you can travel with her and stay there the first few weeks to ensure everything is ok and she is settle.

Seriously? This isn't 'settling in' day in reception class! The DD is nineteen.

Rainbowshit · 15/11/2021 09:57

She'll have an amazing time!! She sounds switched on and sensible. She's an adult so you need to let her make her own w in the world.

Veronica25 · 15/11/2021 09:53

What a great experience. Jus research it to make sure it is safe and a serious Company; maybe you can travel with her and stay there the first few weeks to ensure everything is ok and she is settle. I would be nervous but wouldn't stop her either.

RockinHorseShit · 15/11/2021 09:47

All these people telling you not to worry wouldn't be breezy if it were their own teenager moving across the planet. They'd be shitting themselves too.

You're absolutely right ofc, I'd be crapping myself if it were mine too, just as my friend did when hers went off to work in Australia, but at 19, we don't have a say & have to be comfortable with it for their sake as that's trusting that we've brought them up well enough that they can cope on their own, which is all we can ever do as parents. Personally I'd also be bloody grateful that my DD wasn't off backpacking around France on her own at 17, as I was🥴

TatianaBis · 15/11/2021 09:44

I think it’s a great idea OP.

Another area she might look into is working on superyachts as either steward (interior) or deck crew (exterior). It’s very hard work, but the pay is excellent and you can combine travel with being paid. Interior crew would contribute to hospitality experience.

I must say I think it’s very sad you never really left your area, but having a baby is a much bigger challenge than working abroad!

Daisy829 · 15/11/2021 09:42

Sounds amazing. I would definitely support this. My one regret is not travelling enough before meeting DH

TheVanguardSix · 15/11/2021 09:36

All these people telling you not to worry wouldn't be breezy if it were their own teenager moving across the planet. They'd be shitting themselves too.

This IS true... and I do shit myself every time my own DS(19) gets on a plane to see the family in California by himself. And that's a nice, soft, easy landing... still, I am nervous! But we also have the adult minds, hearts, and experiences of our own to know that deep down, the pros of travel/working abroad for a while definitely outweigh the cons.

invisiblecats · 15/11/2021 09:35

It's totally normal to have the worries you have, you're her mum!

But also it's totally unreasonable to pass them on to her. (But I can see you know this!)

Your DD sounds amazingly together for someone her age. I have no doubt she'll have an amazing experience. The world is her oyster, let her embrace it! I'm sure she'll make you proud.

Your DH is being totally unreasonable. I hope he comes round.

shrodingersbiscuit · 15/11/2021 09:34

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ.

TheVanguardSix · 15/11/2021 09:32

I wanted to add, OP that after Tokyo, I lived in Italy... and ended up here in the UK.

Parsley1234 · 15/11/2021 09:32

I’d be gutted if my son didn’t do this I went to NY as a nanny at 18 then travelled India Australia and SE Asia at 19 for 2 years when else can you do this freedom you’ve given her wings to fly. My mum was right behind me I was lucky she even encouraged me to go to art college when I wanted to stay at home with my bf - thank god I did

TheVanguardSix · 15/11/2021 09:31

I have only read your posts, OP, so forgive me for bypassing most of the thread, but how brilliant!
I'm from California and I would travel up to Vancouver because my aunt lived there. Whistler is amazing. Canada is just a great, great country.
I left home at 18 and lived in Tokyo for 6 months. I came from Smalltown, USA, and couldn't boil an egg- could hardly wipe my own arse, truth be told. Leaving home to live abroad was the making of me. I also made plenty of mistakes... mistakes I would have made even if I'd stayed is Smalltown, USA and lived 5 minutes away from my parents. So... life is going to throw you curveballs and brilliant opportunities wherever you are. May as well be Canada!
Good luck to your DD. Go out and visit her! You'll love Canada...you'll love Vancouver!

silverbubbles · 15/11/2021 09:24

Your fears are based on your own experiences.
It's a great thing to do. I did back packing around Asia in early 20's and along with university it was the best thing I ever did.

Encourage her.

HotMess21 · 15/11/2021 09:18

*to stand

HotMess21 · 15/11/2021 09:17

My mother, who I love dearly, talked me out of doing something similar when I was 18. 30 years on, I still harbour some low level resentment towards her, as I have always had in the back of my mind, "What if ...?". Please don't allow your husband's fears and neuroses stand in the way of your daughter's adventuring spirit.

GoGoGretaDoll · 15/11/2021 09:17

You need to get your DH to nip his nonsense in the bud right now, or else she won't come back - by which I mean, she'll come back to the UK but she definitely won't come back to her home town. Don't piss on her chips.

littlemissminor · 15/11/2021 09:10

My sister in law did this, she is now a permanent resident and has a high level management role over there. She frequently reminds us how it is the best thing she has ever done and would recommend it to anyone.
She started in hospitality in Whistler too!

EvenRosesHaveThorns · 15/11/2021 09:07

Plus employers in any sector will die for that sort of initiative and go-getter attitude

alphasox · 15/11/2021 09:07

This will be wonderful for her.
I went to live in the US and worked as an au pair when I was 18 and I’d never been there before and I didn’t know anyone. It was a great experience and I grew so much.

Maybe you can see it as an opportunity to visit her and have a holiday in Canada?

EvenRosesHaveThorns · 15/11/2021 09:06

Canada is lovely. It's a long journey way, but it's quite culturally similar in many ways, more so than a European country. Two years isn't that long and sounds like a great opportunity, my friend has done similar

Bichette · 15/11/2021 09:05

I second making sure she has good insurance and keep some emergency funds back just in case.
Our daughter was stuck in Thailand when the pandemic started and it was a nightmare getting her home. She is now itching to return and we wouldn't dream of preventing her.