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Original poster

To not want my 19 year old moving to Canada alone?

585 replies

MiddayMass · 15/11/2021 02:19

She has 0 connections in Canada. She isn’t particularly academic and uni is her idea of hell but works in hospitality and thrives in that role. The restaurant she works at offered her a manager on duty promotion not long after she started because of how on the ball she is.

All her friends went off to uni in September and I think she’s feeling like it’s time to make a drastic change in her own life too. Which I understand. I thought maybe she’d move into a house share with other young people or something.

Today over dinner she revealed that Canada do a 2 year ‘Working Holiday’ visa for certain countries. You don’t need to be a professional or have a degree, you can go over and work in hospitality just fine. As long as you have somewhere to live, a couple of grand in the bank (she has savings) and health insurance you’re fine. She’s says she’s been looking into it and has already signed up with an agency and has paid fees to go and work on a ski resort this Winter with live-in accommodation. She’s insisted it’s all legit and that she has done all of her research.

To be honest, I smiled about it to her face but I’m scared shitless. Do such jobs actually exist? I’m worried it’s dodgy. She will have no connections in Canada. She insists that the agency has in-country support and that she’s in a Facebook group with other girls her own age who are going to the same town, and that they all plan to meet up once they are there etc. There’s even talk of some of them maybe getting a flat-share as she doesn’t want to be in the hotel accommodation for the full 2 years. She honestly doesn’t seem worried at all. I’m not sure why she chose Canada specifically. Apparently Europe wasn’t drastic enough, she’s not interested in Asia or Africa, Oceania is too far from home and she ‘wouldn’t be seen dead in the USA in its current state’ so she ended up with Canada.

DH isn’t happy either and says he’ll be worried about her, and has suggested that we try and talk her out of it. I don’t want to do that as she is an adult but I am terrified. How would you feel? I never really left my home town or travelled. At DD’s age I was pregnant with her brother and living in a flat 5 minutes away from my parents and so the idea of jetting off to another continent alone at that age is unthinkable to me. I’m not saying I’d rather she was pregnant at 19 living in a grotty flat, I just mean it’s all so foreign to me because I was in such a different situation at her age so I don’t know if my fear is rational or not.

OP posts:
CSJobseeker · 15/11/2021 16:51

That 'not for the likes of us' mentality can be really damaging. It squashes peoples aspirations and dreams for their future. Your daughter will have to work hard whatever she decides to do (as did I, from a solid WC background), but that doesn't mean she shouldn't have the chance to try.

Havanananana · 15/11/2021 16:50

For what it’s worth I’m not saying I don’t think my DD is capable of being able to stay in Canada at all. I’m just not sure how plausible it is as an unskilled worker?

Another one here who spent two winter seasons in Whistler. It was amazing. Everyone arrives as an "unskilled worker" (unless they already have proper chef or instructor qualifications) and everyone gets on with it, doing whatever job they've applied for - liftie, retail, catering and service, ticket sales, guest services, housekeeping etc. There are opportunities for staff to do in-house training. In a place like Whistler, a few thousand young people from all over the world get to work and spend time together and learn new skills and gain in confidence and independence. The seasonal workers come from all over the globe - not just from UK/IRE/AUS/NZ and elsewhere in Europe, but also Japan and Korea for the Asian guests, and Chile/Argentina/Brazil for the South American guests.

Just to give an idea, the number of seasonal workers in Whistler is well over 12,000 and if working for the resort company, most people live in "House" - i.e. in the many workers' accommodation blocks that are a bit like university halls of residence.

And you get paid ...! Why on Earth would someone not take this opportunity to see the world if the opportunity arose?

Szyz2020 · 15/11/2021 16:49

Hmm I think you (deliberately) missed my point. The UK doesn’t boast ski resorts in the way that Canada or the US or the Alps do. The context of someone wanting to work in hospitality abroad on a visa in a completely new environment is not the same as someone wanting to undertake some technical climbing and going to Scotland to do so.

ObnoxiousFeminist · 15/11/2021 16:49

Also, DBro has worked and lived in

  • Greece
  • Sweden
  • Italy

And I’ve been able to watch, in equal amounts of terror, jealousy, awe and pride.

janefitzjane · 15/11/2021 16:48

I think it's quite natural to be concerned about it - there is a lot that could go wrong, and sometimes you can sense if something would not be right for your child.
However - if this is the opportunity it seems (and such opportunities do exist!) then from your own description it appears to be right for her. And even if it is not I am sure there is no obligation to stay the whole two years!

CSJobseeker · 15/11/2021 16:48

Good for you OP!

Your DH's refusal to listen is an indicator that he just doesn't want her to go. Don't let him clip her wings - young people should be free to get out and experience the world.

Original poster
MiddayMass · 15/11/2021 16:48

@ObnoxiousFeminist.

I think it’s a bit of that with DH. He was going on about ‘It’s them spoilt middle class kids who go travelling, not folk like us.” Angry

OP posts:
Maulstick · 15/11/2021 16:48

@MiddayMass

He refuses to believe the job is real, refuses to believe the visa is real, refuses to believe the girls she’s socialising with online and plans to meet up with in Canada are real.

DD gone to work now but she said to me “Why does he think I’m stupid?” and isn’t happy. He’s a decent bloke but is stubborn and stuck in his ways and a teeny bit misogynistic I’ve come to realise. I questioned whether he’d be the same if it was DS wanting to go (not his biological son but he’s raised him and everybody considers them father and son) and he said it’s different. It all does come from a place of loving her to bits and being concerned but I don’t like his attitude one bit.

Anyway I’ve come round to it now thanks to this thread and am going to start saving. A bit for an emergency flight back for her if something happens and she loses her money and hopefully a bit for us to go and visit at some point. She says she’d love us to visit once she’s settled and that the ski resort has family discounts.

Again, good for you, OP. It's great to see someone taking on an idea they were originally opposed to, and seeing it as a potentially good thing. Her father is only going to lose her by pooh-poohing her plans?

Can you not just suggest he Googles? Even a glance at this

bunac.org/working-holidays/canada/work-canada/find-out-more/ski-resorts

will give him a lot of information, and hopefully stop him behaving as though his daughter is about to be snatched for the slave trade or something, because she's being played by Evil Nigerian Scammers pretending to be Canadian work-holiday visa arrangers, or whatever he's imagining.

Original poster
MiddayMass · 15/11/2021 16:47

@IntermittentParps DD lost her patience a bit and pulled up the Bunac page and the official Canadian government page to show her visa application on her phone to show DH and he wouldn’t look.

OP posts:
ObnoxiousFeminist · 15/11/2021 16:47

@MiddayMass I’m from a small ex mining town too and can sympathise with you re DHs attitude. It’s very common where I’m from - me going to Uni aged 32 (I’m now 35) caused a big stink with people I knew and I was baffled by it. My Dad thought I was being a dickhead, above my station and thinking I’m better than them Confused

I’ve never travelled as such, but I do live in a big city now with my 3DDs as a lone parent, mostly in order to expand their horizons and for my degree. ExDP is from the city, has travelled extensively and I would have to look to him if our DDs wanted to do this (and they probably will because I will encourage it!) as I’d be clueless and a tad worried about them being scammed too.

Newgirls · 15/11/2021 16:46

@MiddayMass

He refuses to believe the job is real, refuses to believe the visa is real, refuses to believe the girls she’s socialising with online and plans to meet up with in Canada are real.

DD gone to work now but she said to me “Why does he think I’m stupid?” and isn’t happy. He’s a decent bloke but is stubborn and stuck in his ways and a teeny bit misogynistic I’ve come to realise. I questioned whether he’d be the same if it was DS wanting to go (not his biological son but he’s raised him and everybody considers them father and son) and he said it’s different. It all does come from a place of loving her to bits and being concerned but I don’t like his attitude one bit.

Anyway I’ve come round to it now thanks to this thread and am going to start saving. A bit for an emergency flight back for her if something happens and she loses her money and hopefully a bit for us to go and visit at some point. She says she’d love us to visit once she’s settled and that the ski resort has family discounts.

It sounds like the start of new adventures for all of you. Scary but wow won’t it be amazing to watch her grow
IntermittentParps · 15/11/2021 16:44

He refuses to believe the job is real, refuses to believe the visa is real
Has he looked at the BUNAC promotional stuff/website? If he has and is still spouting this line then he's not not believing it, he just doesn't like it, and you should tell him so.

Maulstick · 15/11/2021 16:43

@MiddayMass

Words have just been had with DH who’s made more dampening comments to DD who’s been excitedly talking about her plans. DD upset. God I’m really annoyed with him actually. I’m worried but I’m still telling her to go and have the time of her life.
Good for you, OP. You're doing exactly what you should be doing, encouraging her to spread her wings. In your shoes, I would have a serious talk to your husband in private, and point out that all he's doing is alienating his daughter, and get him to articulate exactly why he's being so negative about it. Does he realise that this is a perfectly ordinary thing to do for a lot of people, even if it's not in his circles? That BUNAC has existed forever? That it's about as safe a way of spending two years abroad as you could think up?

And you're right that if your daughter struggled in education partly because she didn't see the point of it, some time away with different kinds of people from all over some of whom will be ambitious to do things she's probably never even heard of, let alone thought of doing herself might well fire her up to study further. Whether that's because she finds she would like to live abroad and needs further education to qualify for a visa, or because she discovers something she really wants to do as a career.

Original poster
MiddayMass · 15/11/2021 16:38

He refuses to believe the job is real, refuses to believe the visa is real, refuses to believe the girls she’s socialising with online and plans to meet up with in Canada are real.

DD gone to work now but she said to me “Why does he think I’m stupid?” and isn’t happy. He’s a decent bloke but is stubborn and stuck in his ways and a teeny bit misogynistic I’ve come to realise. I questioned whether he’d be the same if it was DS wanting to go (not his biological son but he’s raised him and everybody considers them father and son) and he said it’s different. It all does come from a place of loving her to bits and being concerned but I don’t like his attitude one bit.

Anyway I’ve come round to it now thanks to this thread and am going to start saving. A bit for an emergency flight back for her if something happens and she loses her money and hopefully a bit for us to go and visit at some point. She says she’d love us to visit once she’s settled and that the ski resort has family discounts.

OP posts:
nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 15/11/2021 16:36

My best friend did this in the USA. He ended up working at a few jobs, one of them at a summer camp for autistic children. (He has Aspergers too)
and said it was amazing. He really thrived on it, it was so good for him.

Roussette · 15/11/2021 16:31

It's natural to be worried OP! My DD went off to Spain when she was younger than yours, for a year, she had to find a flat and sort out everything. She managed it. It taught her so much, apart from now being fluent in Spanish!

Tell your DH to button it. The world is much smaller with the internet and being able to be in touch.

lockdownalli · 15/11/2021 16:28

OP, you should be proud of yourself.

Despite what you describe as the certain limitations of her home town, your DD has saved a significant amount of money and is confident and independent enough to go and live and work abroad.

In my book that is a great success.

Your DH needs to have a word with himself.

Original poster
MiddayMass · 15/11/2021 16:25

For what it’s worth I’m not saying I don’t think my DD is capable of being able to stay in Canada at all. I’m just not sure how plausible it is as an unskilled worker? I’ll have to have a read in to whether it can be done if you’re in a management role as DD is capable of progressing to that I think.

There’s always the possibility she absolutely loves the place and decides to go to uni etc with the goal of being able to go there permanently. That’d be a good motivation for her.

OP posts:
Original poster
MiddayMass · 15/11/2021 16:22

Words have just been had with DH who’s made more dampening comments to DD who’s been excitedly talking about her plans. DD upset. God I’m really annoyed with him actually. I’m worried but I’m still telling her to go and have the time of her life.

OP posts:
Newgirls · 15/11/2021 16:01

She sounds great and I am sure will be snapped up for a job back here in the future.

Plenty of uni kids study a year abroad at that age so she is just finding her own way. Amazing! Maybe save for tic for you to go and visit her?

WiddlinDiddlin · 15/11/2021 15:59

It sounds like a brilliant opportunity for her, it isn't weird, unusual, outrageous or crazy.

I will say though, if your DH expresses to her his ridiculous ideas, that does massively increase the risk of her going and NOT coming back.

You've raised a hard working kid with a desire to travel and learn via experience - do NOT let your husbands ignorant or toxic attitude squash that!

IntermittentParps · 15/11/2021 15:56

Take her to buy winter coat and help her pack!
Surely she'll get a better winter coat in Canada! Grin

ive never met a australian in england in all my life literally not 1, once met a kiwi on holiday but thats it... and ive lived all over england including 3 of the biggest cities, am i missing something?
Eh? Confused London is full of Antipodeans. Don't know about other UK cities, admittedly.

Maulstick · 15/11/2021 15:21

@SomewhereEast

I'm Irish & it's always been really common for Irish kids to head off for a year doing bar work or whatever pre or post-uni. Back in my yoof they all went to Australia so Canada actually feels pretty 'near' Grin.
And then there's the tradition of the J1 summers. Where you live on weak beer and whatever they're serving at Happy Hour, are sharing a two-room flat with seventeen people from Annascaul and still manage two or three jobs to home with enough to see you through the academic year.

My liver still slightly aches when I think of mine. Grin

Original poster
MiddayMass · 15/11/2021 15:13

@smoko.

I don’t think that’s quite fair. I know my DD better than you. She was awful with high school and had truancy issues. College she couldn’t stick out. She eventually got her act together and got her GCSE’s and is a great worker. But she hated being in education.

If you look at the long term requirements to immigrate to Canada, she’ll need more than that. That’s a fact.

OP posts:
StillMedusa · 15/11/2021 15:00

My son did it... on a total whim.. ie he fancied aan Aussie girl he met who was holidaying in the UK.. so got a visa 3 months later and left!
When he came home again.. she followed, lived with us on her 2 year visa, worked, then when that was up she went home...

He's now there on a permanent couples visa. And loving it. And yes I miss him all the time (Covid meaning it will have been over two years til we can see him again) But he's living HIS life. Some days I wish he had met a UK girl... but then again, no.. he met the love of his life, they are happy, he loves Oz and one day they may come back to live or they may not.

We have our children to let them go, not tether them to us!

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