Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my 19 year old moving to Canada alone?

585 replies

MiddayMass · 15/11/2021 02:19

She has 0 connections in Canada. She isn’t particularly academic and uni is her idea of hell but works in hospitality and thrives in that role. The restaurant she works at offered her a manager on duty promotion not long after she started because of how on the ball she is.

All her friends went off to uni in September and I think she’s feeling like it’s time to make a drastic change in her own life too. Which I understand. I thought maybe she’d move into a house share with other young people or something.

Today over dinner she revealed that Canada do a 2 year ‘Working Holiday’ visa for certain countries. You don’t need to be a professional or have a degree, you can go over and work in hospitality just fine. As long as you have somewhere to live, a couple of grand in the bank (she has savings) and health insurance you’re fine. She’s says she’s been looking into it and has already signed up with an agency and has paid fees to go and work on a ski resort this Winter with live-in accommodation. She’s insisted it’s all legit and that she has done all of her research.

To be honest, I smiled about it to her face but I’m scared shitless. Do such jobs actually exist? I’m worried it’s dodgy. She will have no connections in Canada. She insists that the agency has in-country support and that she’s in a Facebook group with other girls her own age who are going to the same town, and that they all plan to meet up once they are there etc. There’s even talk of some of them maybe getting a flat-share as she doesn’t want to be in the hotel accommodation for the full 2 years. She honestly doesn’t seem worried at all. I’m not sure why she chose Canada specifically. Apparently Europe wasn’t drastic enough, she’s not interested in Asia or Africa, Oceania is too far from home and she ‘wouldn’t be seen dead in the USA in its current state’ so she ended up with Canada.

DH isn’t happy either and says he’ll be worried about her, and has suggested that we try and talk her out of it. I don’t want to do that as she is an adult but I am terrified. How would you feel? I never really left my home town or travelled. At DD’s age I was pregnant with her brother and living in a flat 5 minutes away from my parents and so the idea of jetting off to another continent alone at that age is unthinkable to me. I’m not saying I’d rather she was pregnant at 19 living in a grotty flat, I just mean it’s all so foreign to me because I was in such a different situation at her age so I don’t know if my fear is rational or not.

OP posts:
Original poster
MiddayMass · 15/11/2021 17:15

I think there’s a big difference between being a genuine concerned parent, daunted at the thought of your child leaving (which describes me) and being a twat about it like DH. I wouldn’t dream of trying to stop her or talk her out of it, it’s natural for a parent to be concerned. Whereas DH is going beyond that. He’s acting like she’s incapable of doing anything at all, I can see why she’s hurt. He’s offended by it and thinks it’s all a laughable daft idea.

OP posts:
LondonWolf · 15/11/2021 17:12

I was in Canada just before the pandemic, up in The Yukon, went into restaurant and our waiter was from my home town Shock. These organised working holidays in Canada are definitely A Thing. My waiter and his mates were having the time of their lives apparently.

Roussette · 15/11/2021 17:10

ObnoxiousF I am liking the sound of your Grandmother Frances very much

PickupaPenguin8 · 15/11/2021 17:10

I should add my daughter went travelling for five months in her early twenties. I was really worried. However she had a wonderful time and a great experience. Your daughter is going to Canada where she has a job . Much less risky. I went to Canada for two weeks to visit relatives at 21. I was desperate to stay and would have given my right arm to do so. She’s lucky.

Cavagirl · 15/11/2021 17:08

OP do you know where she originally got the idea from?

PickupaPenguin8 · 15/11/2021 17:08

Your OH sounds awful. I feel really sorry for your daughter.

Original poster
MiddayMass · 15/11/2021 17:06

Hell, even I get caught up in that attitude sometimes. My first post on this thread shows it. But at least I was able to warm to the idea. I’m really glad I made this thread as it’s been brilliant to read other’s experiences.

OP posts:
ObnoxiousFeminist · 15/11/2021 17:05

I always ask myself “WWFD?” What Would Frances Do? She was my Great Grandmother. She hated the social system for women and how it was designed to keep us stifled at all costs.

She owned multiple corner shops and was 30 before she started dating my Great Grandfather. She encouraged my wildness, my day dreaming, my studies, my stubbornness - particularly the last one as that would take me very far when people (cough men cough) disagreed with me. For some reason, this attitude was passed down to her son, my Grandfather, but it skipped my Dad and his brother.

Perhaps she spent a lot of time with me because I was the first girl born for 2 generations.

In any case, it resulted in me not giving two fucks what anyone who had never stepped foot out of my insular town thought.

maddy68 · 15/11/2021 17:05

I would actively encourage this.

Oblomov21 · 15/11/2021 17:04

You aren't coming across well OP. Some of your comments and wires still your Dh's are horrific. Or do you really think that?

You were pregnant at 19, but surely you know that life has changed in the last 20 years.

I went travelling for a year after school pre Uni, and that was nearly 20 years ago. Makes me so sad that you wouldn't encourage your dd to do the same.

IntermittentParps · 15/11/2021 17:03

@MiddayMass

I think it’s hard for people not from a town such as mine to grasp just how bloody insular it can be. DH’s attitude certainly isn’t unusual, and I can see other male relatives having the same reaction.

It’s a case of being personally offended that somebody dares want to leave, especially a girl. The audacity Hmm. Anybody from the town who strives for better gets a “Who do they bloody think they are?” attitude.

I totally get it. I grew up quite some time ago but my mother and, to a lesser extent, other relatives had this attitude. I was academic and wanted to do A levels and then go to uni, and got 'Who do you think you are?'/'you've got ideas above your station'/'education isn't for the likes of us' from my mother. We are a working-class family and I grew up with money struggles, but by the time I was A level age things weren't so bad (and there were still uni grants and no fees); I think my mother just had that attitude of being poor and the lowest of the low ingrained.

I hear you, OP.

TheLovleyChebbyMcGee · 15/11/2021 17:03

I did the BUNAC Canada work visa thing for a year when I was 22, it was amazing and it made me a more confident independent person. I'm now 40 married with a toddler, and was definitely not a rich kid!! I got a job and a flat share sorted within a few weeks and it was literally one of the best years of my life!

Don't get me wrong, there were a lot of rich kids there, but they mostly did thd travelling thing, not the working thing. I did 5 months working in one big city, then moved to another big city to do the same job as my bosses loved me/my accent, then travelled for 2 months. It was fab!

She'll have an amazing time and Canada is a relatively safe country to travel in compared to Africa, Thailand and the like.

Original poster
MiddayMass · 15/11/2021 17:03

@ObnoxiousFeminist.

I think another big issue with ex-mining towns is that everybody is still bitter from how our towns got fucked over (mind my language). It created an attitude of “We don’t get anything, nobody in our town has opportunities or is successful, we’re all destined to be poor and depressed” and it’s become a self-fulfilling prophecy. So when somebody takes the bull by the horns and makes plans to get out themselves and find opportunities, people don’t like it.

OP posts:
Szyz2020 · 15/11/2021 17:02

[quote MiddayMass]@ObnoxiousFeminist.

I think it’s a bit of that with DH. He was going on about ‘It’s them spoilt middle class kids who go travelling, not folk like us.” Angry[/quote]
That makes me so cross for your DD! It is the worst sort of chip-on-shoulder reverse snobbery out there. Her own Dad is literally saying that his DD isn’t good enough to go and do something she’s perfectly capable of doing. And the view “not good enough” is only held by him. Most people who consider themselves middle class won’t think like this!
He’s just decided that a group of people all act in a certain way and your DD has to be in another group of people who all act in another way.

Talk about limiting your options and expectations!! He can do it for himself but don’t you dare let him do it to her. Not looking at her phone to see the evidence for himself is ludicrous too.

TatianaBis · 15/11/2021 17:01

@MiddayMass

I think it’s hard for people not from a town such as mine to grasp just how bloody insular it can be. DH’s attitude certainly isn’t unusual, and I can see other male relatives having the same reaction.

It’s a case of being personally offended that somebody dares want to leave, especially a girl. The audacity Hmm. Anybody from the town who strives for better gets a “Who do they bloody think they are?” attitude.

Grim.

Good for her that she's getting away from all this nonsense.

Please suggest to her that she also looks at working on yachts as I mentioned above - something to try after Whistler if she likes travelling.

ObnoxiousFeminist · 15/11/2021 17:00

Honestly, it’s a very common attitude in ex mining towns. None of my female friends understood why I’d want to study full time and have my DC in day care/wrap around care - why had I had them if I wasn’t going to raise them all the way to 18 as a SAHM?

I’m convinced it’s to keep women as domestic slaves to their husbands and DCs.

Original poster
MiddayMass · 15/11/2021 16:59

I think it’s hard for people not from a town such as mine to grasp just how bloody insular it can be. DH’s attitude certainly isn’t unusual, and I can see other male relatives having the same reaction.

It’s a case of being personally offended that somebody dares want to leave, especially a girl. The audacity Hmm. Anybody from the town who strives for better gets a “Who do they bloody think they are?” attitude.

OP posts:
lazylinguist · 15/11/2021 16:58

@IntermittentParps DD lost her patience a bit and pulled up the Bunac page and the official Canadian government page to show her visa application on her phone to show DH and he wouldn’t look.

Wow, and which one of them is the teenager? I really hope your dd doesn't let her father hold her back. It sounds like an amazing opportunity. Most parents want their dc to have better opportunities than they did, not to knock them down and stifle their ambitions.

TatianaBis · 15/11/2021 16:57

[quote MiddayMass]@ObnoxiousFeminist.

I think it’s a bit of that with DH. He was going on about ‘It’s them spoilt middle class kids who go travelling, not folk like us.” Angry[/quote]
What does he think the majority of immigrants are? Working class people who looked abroad for work...

Lasair · 15/11/2021 16:56

Your daughter doesn’t need his permission. She’ll just stop telling him about it.

Cavagirl · 15/11/2021 16:56

*does he not believe she can

Cavagirl · 15/11/2021 16:54

[quote MiddayMass]@ObnoxiousFeminist.

I think it’s a bit of that with DH. He was going on about ‘It’s them spoilt middle class kids who go travelling, not folk like us.” Angry[/quote]
Sad
Does he not have any aspirations for her?
Does he believe her only potential in life is to repeat his?
What about opportunity, dreams, imagination and belief?
Does he not want her to better herself?
Does he not believe he can?

Well done OP, it sounds like half the reason your DD has the gumption to go for it is thanks to your influence!

IntermittentParps · 15/11/2021 16:52

[quote MiddayMass]@IntermittentParps DD lost her patience a bit and pulled up the Bunac page and the official Canadian government page to show her visa application on her phone to show DH and he wouldn’t look.[/quote]
Because he'd lose the argument if he did.
I know he's your husband and all, but honestly he needs a kick up the arse/a good shake!

ObnoxiousFeminist · 15/11/2021 16:52

Sorry, hit send too soon Blush

DBro and his travelling also caused issues, although not as many as me going to Uni Hmm Lots of low key misogyny here too.

Now I’m going for my Masters, it’s the same shit all over again. They don’t understand the University system at all, despite me explaining it multiple times.

Oddly, my Grandparents are the ones who encouraged both me and DBro to get the fuck out of there and do whatever we wanted. They had their children young, but travelled extensively from their mid 30s and still do now, in their mid 70s.

Szyz2020 · 15/11/2021 16:51

@Szyz2020

Hmm I think you (deliberately) missed my point. The UK doesn’t boast ski resorts in the way that Canada or the US or the Alps do. The context of someone wanting to work in hospitality abroad on a visa in a completely new environment is not the same as someone wanting to undertake some technical climbing and going to Scotland to do so.
Sorry that was @CSJobseeker not the OP.