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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want my 19 year old moving to Canada alone?

585 replies

MiddayMass · 15/11/2021 02:19

She has 0 connections in Canada. She isn’t particularly academic and uni is her idea of hell but works in hospitality and thrives in that role. The restaurant she works at offered her a manager on duty promotion not long after she started because of how on the ball she is.

All her friends went off to uni in September and I think she’s feeling like it’s time to make a drastic change in her own life too. Which I understand. I thought maybe she’d move into a house share with other young people or something.

Today over dinner she revealed that Canada do a 2 year ‘Working Holiday’ visa for certain countries. You don’t need to be a professional or have a degree, you can go over and work in hospitality just fine. As long as you have somewhere to live, a couple of grand in the bank (she has savings) and health insurance you’re fine. She’s says she’s been looking into it and has already signed up with an agency and has paid fees to go and work on a ski resort this Winter with live-in accommodation. She’s insisted it’s all legit and that she has done all of her research.

To be honest, I smiled about it to her face but I’m scared shitless. Do such jobs actually exist? I’m worried it’s dodgy. She will have no connections in Canada. She insists that the agency has in-country support and that she’s in a Facebook group with other girls her own age who are going to the same town, and that they all plan to meet up once they are there etc. There’s even talk of some of them maybe getting a flat-share as she doesn’t want to be in the hotel accommodation for the full 2 years. She honestly doesn’t seem worried at all. I’m not sure why she chose Canada specifically. Apparently Europe wasn’t drastic enough, she’s not interested in Asia or Africa, Oceania is too far from home and she ‘wouldn’t be seen dead in the USA in its current state’ so she ended up with Canada.

DH isn’t happy either and says he’ll be worried about her, and has suggested that we try and talk her out of it. I don’t want to do that as she is an adult but I am terrified. How would you feel? I never really left my home town or travelled. At DD’s age I was pregnant with her brother and living in a flat 5 minutes away from my parents and so the idea of jetting off to another continent alone at that age is unthinkable to me. I’m not saying I’d rather she was pregnant at 19 living in a grotty flat, I just mean it’s all so foreign to me because I was in such a different situation at her age so I don’t know if my fear is rational or not.

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FlorenceWintle · 05/08/2025 12:21

Would love to know how this one turned out, I sometimes think of this thread

mbosnz · 05/08/2025 10:59

My 19 year old is about to do an academic year in Japan, the next in China. Be very proud (I am!), that you have raised a young woman who is smart, savvy, and independent, fearlessly researching and seizing adventures both near and far.

And yes, it's so bloody terrifying, as I say all the right things, do all the right things, and weep gently as I gibber gently when they're not looking. . .

Goldengirl123 · 05/08/2025 10:46

Good for her. I know it will be very worrying for you but it’s something you have to let her do

Decaffe · 05/08/2025 09:26

Goodness, those four years have gone by quickly! Did she end up going, @MiddayMass?

lotsofpatience · 05/08/2025 09:25

She is an adult

iwanttolivebythesea · 05/08/2025 08:59

Oops, need to pay more attention, only just seen this is 4 years old. Had searched for a resort and this was part of the search. Hope she went and had a great time!

iwanttolivebythesea · 05/08/2025 08:57

My DS is off to do the same thing in Canada this winter. It’s all above board and legitimate. Think it’s brilliant that he is going, will remember it forever. There are loads of jobs going, he was there on holiday last winter. Hope your DD has the best time! They might cross paths.

GnomeOrMistAndIceGuy · 21/11/2021 16:03

Op, you sounds so lovely and you're bloody spot on about ex mining town mentality - I live in one too and it's EXACTLY as you say. I think it's awesome you're daughter is all set to travel, learn and work hard - it's a brilliant opportunity, especially for someone who struggled at school and never found their niche in education.
So sorry you're having your eyes opened to your husband's poor expectations of girls and people from your area in general. I hope he bucks himself up before she goes.

ZZTopGuitarSolo · 21/11/2021 15:07

@Chunkymenrock

I haven't rtft, but I hope you've told her that you're behind her 100% and that he'll just have to get used to it? She needs to have your support. She needs to feel excited about carrying on planning her fab adventure. She is a grown woman who should not be held back.
I was just about to say exactly this.

This could well be make-or-break time for your relationship with your daughter OP - make sure she knows you love and support her, even if her dad doesn't.

And personally I'd let him know what a complete wanker he's being, but I appreciate that is probably hard to do.

coolcahuna · 21/11/2021 08:42

I get you're terrified and definitely do the research. But what an amazing opportunity! I went to France to work for a year when I was 20 and it was the best thing ever. Grew up so much and came back a different person.

Chunkymenrock · 21/11/2021 04:30

I haven't rtft, but I hope you've told her that you're behind her 100% and that he'll just have to get used to it? She needs to have your support. She needs to feel excited about carrying on planning her fab adventure. She is a grown woman who should not be held back.

PorridgeLove · 21/11/2021 03:43

I moved to CA for a post-graduate degree. I am still here, married, kids, job etc. My parents have not made peace with my emigration.

Being an immigrant (even a highly skilled worker immigrant) has been eye opening. My views on immigration to my country of origin have really adjusted. CA has treated me well and is generally considered quite welcoming to immigrants, but it is harder to start from little. It would probably be easier for your daughter because she is younger.

Relatedly, why would you need to buy a flat at 19? I mean isn't that the age when you move into a rental with a few other girls and have a good time?

PetulantClerk · 21/11/2021 00:20

I think she'll have a great time. My niece did this around 10 years ago, worked as a hostess (i.e., gofer) at various hotels, and still lives in Whistler having now married a Canadian!
The most dangerous thing she has encountered was a black bear whilst walking to work through the town.

WiddlinDiddlin · 20/11/2021 23:33

What have YOU said to him OP? Have you told him how his behaviour is making YOU feel?

It sounds like (and forgive me if I am wrong) you aren't really having this out with him, just waiting for him to nit pick at it with her and backing her up privately rather than actively standing up for her.

ftw163532 · 20/11/2021 23:06

Where does that leave you?

MiddayMass · 20/11/2021 22:10

DH still being unreasonable. After more comments today DD understandably lost her temper and stormed out and he’s been sat nursing a beer with a face like a slapped arse.

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RedToothBrush · 20/11/2021 08:46

Fwiw i went to Australia fully wanting to stay there past my visa.

Things didn't go the way i planned.

I came home realising that where i grew up wasn't awful.

I ended up settling not far away having come to the conclusion that there weren't many places that really were 'better' in terms of the lifestyle and opportunities they offered.

That said, my uncle did go to Canada in his 20s and is still there 50 years later.

My point being you don't know how things will turn out for your daughter.

I do know my desire to go to Australia was driven primarily by my suffocating mother though...

Liverbird77 · 20/11/2021 07:37

This reply has been withdrawn

Post withdrawn at author's request

PickupaPenguin8 · 18/11/2021 20:41

Yes okay I did understand the joke.

MiddayMass · 18/11/2021 20:39

@PickupaPenguin8

It was a joke about how it would be much easier to visit her if she went to spread her wings in the local city rather than Canada. I think any mother gets that. It doesn’t mean I’m saying Manchester is better than Canada 🙄

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JadeTrinket · 18/11/2021 19:25

@PickupaPenguin8

Not obtuse , no. Manchester may be closer but in no way does it offer a better quality of life.
I think you’ve completely misunderstood the way the OP intended that comment about wishing it was Manchester.
PickupaPenguin8 · 18/11/2021 19:15

Not obtuse , no. Manchester may be closer but in no way does it offer a better quality of life.

IntermittentParps · 18/11/2021 18:58

@PickupaPenguin8

But why? Seriously how can anyone think Manchester is a better option than Canada?
You're being obtuse. Because it's closer. But I think the OP is being (a bit) light-hearted about it anyway!
PickupaPenguin8 · 18/11/2021 18:31

But why? Seriously how can anyone think Manchester is a better option than Canada?

MiddayMass · 18/11/2021 16:43

Though she isn’t outwardly admitting it. I’ll be happy for her to get out of here but I’d rather it was Manchester than Canada Grin

I’d be devastated but I’d have to just come round

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