I hate my husband and am angry all the time around my kids

If you separated, what do you think you'll miss?

Whose life would get easier and whose would get harder?

@noshiforever

I thought I had wrote this post. Absolutely uncanny. Going through the exact same set up but it simply isn't as easy to leave as people are suggesting

These men bring NOTHING to your happiness. They may bring financial stability and a family unit. But that is not worth it!

You are selling your LIFE for their convenience.

You are their PA/maid.
There is no love
They openly have contempt for you

You do everything anyway so do it without them! There is financial and legal help out there.

Please don't use your kids as an excuse they are growing up with a toxic relationship for a role model.

Show them your strength and tenacity to make it through the hard times alone. You don't need them.

Seriously, you get ONE life, you are turning into someone you don't recognise or like.

Leave for you, be happier and the rest will sort its self out. You're no role model to your children in this relationship

This is how cycles begin.

Your children are growing up in a horrible tense and unhappy home.

You say your husband is rude and mean to them.

You admit you take out your frustrations on them.

How can you possibly think that staying together under the same roof is in their best interests?

If you're really honest with yourself, and us, I think you're scared of the process of breaking up rather than genuinely thinking it's best for the kids that you stay together.

Your best case scenario is that they grow up in a home with two parents who have a cold, affection free, steely dynamic without genuine warmth, mutual support, affection etc.

I don't buy that you think that's better for the children than their parents splitting up.

I know that's probably hard to hear and feels like an attack but I really believe it.

I was furious when my parents split up when I was 18. Not because they split, but because they stayed together until the second I left the family home having made me grow up in a tense, shouty house for years leaving me with no healthy expectations for relationships... then claimed they did so 'for me'. I felt simultaneously guilty and angry.

Years of therapy and shitty relationships throughout my 20s, only being in the headspace and having healthy relationships from around aged 30.

Don't do that to your kids.

I could have wrote this myself! No words of advice but I know exactly how you feel!

I thought I had wrote this post. Absolutely uncanny. Going through the exact same set up but it simply isn't as easy to leave as people are suggesting

@Cotscats

That sounds horrendous you'd be better off as a single parent doing it on your own he sounds about as much use as a chocolate teapot

Well that's great.. You file for divorce then tell him you have done it.
I didn't even tell my dh. He just got a letter from my solicitor informing him I had filed.. Seriously op you only get one life.

Well you can’t change him, but you can change you and I guess that’s what you’re looking for, right? That and a way to fill in the gap created from an unfulfilling marriage, so that you don’t feel alone/angry/frustrated.
I’d suggest counselling. Either for you alone, or for you both as a couple, if he’s willing.
I’d also recommend writing down lots of things. Keeping a diary of how you feel, to keep track of your mood. How you’d really like to be living your life, to get a sense of your goals. What you really want from a partner. It might help clear up any confusion and help you work out what action you want to take. You’re totally justified in feeling the way you do and wanting to be able to talk about it properly with your DH.

On the flip side to your statement, I was the child of divorced parents, and my life was a whole let better after they split. I hated see my mum walk on eggshells all the time. All of us were happier once they were no longer together.

From your post. I can not see one thing he brings to yours or your children's life’s. Imagine the weekends being as happy as the weeks.

Why stay?
Why is it in the children's interest to have two parents in the same house who can't even speak to one another. Who don't like each other. Who cause unhappiness to eachother (and the kids themselves).

You are showing them what a relationship looks like. This is what they will understand marriage / relationship to be. Far, far more damaging than showing them that you can be independent and happy not together.

There is no shame attached to divorced parents anymore.

Your history will not be your children’s history. So stop believing that. Leave him your children will not have to injure the pain you have already admitted you are putting them through.

You'll probably parent your children much better without him in the picture, don't let the fear of stigma you had (divorce was viewed differently years ago) put you off making the change your children deserve now.

You said it yourself- they’re happy when he isn’t there. You know what you need to do.

Ohhh love 😢 this isn’t good for anyone. You need to leave, for you AND the kids. You aren’t protecting them by staying with him. They KNOW. They know.

If you hate your husband
You should divorce

Neither of you sound happy, and I can’t believe your children don’t notice. They can’t be happy about their home life either. Personally, I don’t think you have the option of living with a man you choose to ignore when he’s right there, living with you and your children. It’s grossly unfair to your children. You have to take responsibility.

Your divorce is up to you. How you feel about it is up to you. Whether it’s a shameful thing, or a choice you make to improve your and your children’s lives - up to you.

Anger is an emotional state that prompts change. If you don’t make the necessary changes or alternatively completely accept the situation as it is, the anger is likely to breed resentment/contempt complete toxicity. I cannot see how anyone who was not in a complete state of denial could possibly accept what is on offer in your marriage so you will likely have to make a radical change to move through the anger.

You are not either of your parents. Just because they couldn’t accept divorce that does not mean you have to do the same if you do decide to make that change. Embrace any changes you make, the children will have consequences from divorce of course but the are clearly being impacted by the current circumstances too.

Children growing up in an atmosphere of hate, anger and resentment between their parents is going to be damaging. More damaging than if you separate.

Start making plans for separating and in the meantime I would make the mental decision not to rely on him for any input at home. Rather than expecting him to, or asking him to join in and share the load, for him to let you down all the time.

Op I'm glad you posted this, in a simular situation myself. Not married though and children are younger. The deeper voice overpowers us women, as women we are super mums but dads don't recognise this. I'm not saying there's no super dads coz my oh is great with kids.
I am the one to sort his car insuarance out, let him know everything yet conversation is very little grrrr