I hate my husband and am angry all the time around my kids

Well things can’t carry on as they are, not good for anyone in the household. You seem reluctant to leave but perhaps you could just detach yourself bit by bit until you feel ready to leave or the two of you make a joint effort. Just bear in mind that whatever is going on in the house your children are living with and learning from. Do you want to model this life for them?

My parents were miserable and stayed together until their 60’s and my mum is still incredibly bitter and horrible about my dad. I wish they had split up when I was a child. Then again it taught me what I didn’t want but I’m not sure that is a parenting goal!

It's daunting, I know it is.

Omg no just end it. Your kids lives will be better for it. He sounds lazy so probably won’t bother with access and the kids can vote with their feet anyway. You’ll be free to enjoy your kids without his nasty presence

*we couldn't afford two homes). And feeling like a conventional family.

Our financial situation is that he earns many times over what I earn*

So of course you can afford two homes

Maybd not as big as the one you have x two

But something you can rent til you sort the divorce
If he earns many times what you do
You are in a good position right?
See aLawyer
Get all the financial info
See a counsellor for you

If you're married that will benefit you financially

You poor thing. I've been there and it really is no way to live. It sounds as though this marriage has definitely run its course. There's nothing wrong with calling time on a relationship, including marriage with children. You will thank yourself for it. It's so much easier on your own than in a relationship like this, and in time, you might meet someone much nicer. But if you don't want to, that's fine too x

There’s no shame in leaving a toxic marriage. There IS shame in subjecting your children to his behaviour and the bitter, poisonous environment that you and your husband have created.

Would your want your DC to be in a marriage like this? Well they will if you stay together. Either this or worse. You are their template.
Leave

Just because your parents had an unhappy divorce experience, doesn't mean that you and your kids would do necessarily.

My parents split when I was 10. I felt no shame. Once I got used to the idea i was glad they split because it was obvious they were making each other unhappy. They both went on to have a better life with other people.

Everyone is different.

But you're not happy now. So why do you think you'll be unhappy after you get rid of the thing making you unhappy?

I had divorced parents, and we were fine. Both our parents loved us and my DM more than made up for DDad not being around all the time. She wasn't perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but one thing she did model for me was the fact that you don't have to put up with a shit situation if you don't want to.

You need to reframe this. Why don't you want better than this for your children badly enough you leave someone who is horrible to them and you, and who you blame for taking adult frustrations out on your children? I can't express strongly enough how toxic this environment is for them, in both the long and short term. Home should be their sanctuary, not a shouty / tense place where both adults are making them feel anxious and annoying.

Arguments in an otherwise reasonably happy, peaceful home are normal. Living enveloped in a cloud of hatred and resentment and stonewalling as your norm is not, and you are absolutely modelling a blueprint for your children's future relationships. My mum should have left my dad for many of the behaviours you describe, it damaged our relationship irreparably and we see each other infrequently now.

It's a very unhealthy dynamic. His refusal to discuss is passive aggressive and it's a forrm of control.

I would recommend reading some books such as Why does he do that (you can often find a free version online) and Patricia Evans, the Verbally abusive relationship.

It's important you don't react to him by being angry as that's what he wants. The children must be witnessing this so they will be learning unhealthy ways to resolve conflicts .

I’m so sorry, OP It really does sound like you and the DC would be so much happier if you split up. Life is just too short and there honestly is no shame in divorce these days.

Hey OP, I just want to let you know that you are not alone with the worst part of the situation, namely that tension b/w you and your husband affects your interactions with your kids negatively. I have this problem too.

My dilemma is very different in other regards - I don't think separation is the solution because we fight mostly over childcare issues that we would still share if separated, and he is very involved with the kids.

I think in an odd, perhaps sad, way lowering expectations of the dp helps. And just telling yourself that you want him out of your head - trying to switch off that running negative commentary that he provides in the imagination.

Somehow things have got somewhat better for us. Here's hoping they will for you. But it's also important to listen to doubts and be ready to revise decisions.

I'm saying this to be honest and give some tough love, not to be a dick. All parents / couples disagree. My partner has never called me a name, ignored me to punish me, lost his temper with me or made me feel shit about myself. Those things should be expectations, not exceptions to the rule. They are expectations you should want your kids to have for their own relationships. They will expect to be shouted at, have slanging matches, have a partner lose their temper, be called names etc if they grow up in this environment. They'll likely take their frustrations out on their kids as that's what they will think is normal and acceptable.

Don't make that your legacy.

What's the financial position?