I hate my husband and am angry all the time around my kids

Oh OP, you had an unhappy childhood because your parents couldn't do divorce kindly. Your children are having an unhappy childhood - yes they are, now, every day - because you and DH can't be happily married. You are having trouble accepting this because of your past, but you must accept it, for everyone's sake. Make the brave choice and give them a happy life.

OP, this is no way to live your life.
I really hope you find a way to move on and be the real you without all this stress.

[quote SomeFineDay]@thepeopleversuswork

I didn’t tell her she was being selfish, I think he’s behaving badly (from what we’ve heard which to be fair is one side) so calm down.[/quote]
Stop telling women that the only reason they could have to disagree with you is if they're hysterical.

There's a pattern where it's guaranteed that if I leave a room, within 5 minutes he will have upset one of the children.

What does he do?

LittleMissUnreasonable
You and your husband are single handedly destroying your DCs lives. They can't even eat dinner without Dad picking on them, then Mum having a go at them. You need to get a serious grip OP and stop simpering around couple counselling, co existing and smaller houses. Ffs, so selfish

@Cotscats is reaching out for advice and doesn't deserve this horrible response. Sometimes you're so in a situation you lose perspective. She's trying to consider what's right and starting by looking at how things are, give her a break!

OP my suggestion would be to start squirrelling money away in a hidden account, look up counselling options, talk to CAB, check out websites like www.womensaid.org.uk/ but make sure you cover your tracks. Set up an email account that he doesn't know about, don't save the password on any device, input it each time, and use this for making enquiries, also like a diary - send yourself emails noting things that happen, his behaviour, your behaviour, your feelings, DC feelings, and after a while a pattern will become clear and help you make choices.

This is a start - good luck OP, please do start taking some steps towards checking out your options.

[quote SomeFineDay]@CherryPieface

“For the children’s sake” really? Divorce is rarely done for the children’s sake and this is usually just a self justification used by those who want the divorce.[/quote]
Sorry but this is utter bollocks. And a damaging message to send to a woman who is struggling in an unhappy marriage.

Divorce is undertaken for as many reasons as there are couples. But very rarely do people divorce for shits and giggles. It's distressing, destabilising and expensive.

Children can suffer significantly from a divorce. But children can also suffer and in my opinion suffer more from remaining in a family where the parents clearly have contempt for one another and you can cut the tension with a knife.

Telling a woman who is being bullied by a nasty piece of work that she is being selfish by considering trying to create a calmer and more stable environment for herself and her children is a really toxic message to be sending.

OP you clearly have to work through this some more. But please don't allow comments like this to influence you.

I think the difference is though @SomeFineDay and for the op, you're talking about the feelings you had THIRTY YEARS (or whatever) ago. Times have changed so so much from then. There isn't the same shame any more. You're not in the minority in your class any more with no one going through the same to talk to.

Pay for support to cover his non contributions or you risk burnout and illness in fact the snapping at the children suggests you may be burnt out now

Cleaner, child minder to do school run at time that suit you better

Book a fun activity for you and this children as a priority every weekend eg Swimming , local attraction membership, tennis lessons
What ever but something fun and out of the house.
Saturday nights are for delivered pizza out the box in front of the tv

Pay kids pocket money to manage the recycling and washing up/ dishwasher/putting away clothes

[quote SomeFineDay]@BrilliantBetty

In spite of most mumsnet “wisdom” (which is mostly given by Women who imagine themselves in place of the woman leaving) - most children are in fact hurt by their parents divorce and for many it has lasting negative effects. To say otherwise is to bury ones head in the sand.[/quote]
So you're just dismissing the experiences shared by posters including me of living in households where our parents were unhappy, tense etc and how it affected us deeply. Growing up in an unhappy home is hugely damaging. It has lifelong consequences especially when it comes to the child's adult relationship.

Yes, I think some posters here have a point, there is a myth that if you get divorced the kids will be happy. They may not be and that is something to be thought through-is the marriage bad enough to risk that? My first marriage failed and I still feel regret and sometimes wish I could go back and fantasise about doing things differently. However, there is also the risk of fetishising childhood and that everything must be perfect and that a marriage breaking down is the worst possible thing. That’s not true either. I do know that my son’s behaviour improved at school and with his peers when we split up. Then we did everything we could do make things civilised and relaxed around the children. They’re now lovely young adults but would they have been happier as children if we’d stayed together? It’s hard to say-we we’re lucky enough financially which was a big burden off. But being a single mother was very lonely at times with no one at home to share child rearing. Then again, they didn’t have to listen to endless rows and suffer bad atmospheres. I’m lucky they really like their step dad and also have a good relationship with their dad. Only you can know op-maybe it’s worth having counselling to help you go forward.

[quote SomeFineDay]@arethereanyleftatall

No obviously they don’t have to suck it up - but this fantasy that happy Mum leaving dad will equal happy kids is pure fantasy from the one leaving.
It may be better for the kids - it may be worse for them and often is.
I also doubt most parents who divorce really know how their kids feel about it as they don’t tell them and the parent divorcing is happy to believe that they’re better off.[/quote]
I wish my parents had divorced. I'd be so much happier and mentally healthier.

Loads of kids I grew up with had parents separate or divorce- it can be a little upsetting at first (although several of us were actually happy as the home environment was so unpleasant when they were together) but everyone turned out fine.

Time to woman up and separate. There is nothing good about this marriage, and living together is making the whole family unhappy.

I'm sorry to disturb your narrative @SomeFineDay, but it isn't fantasy for me, it's reality for my girls and myself.

It's also the reality for every single divorced mum I know. In our forties now, with children at secondary, there is a growing band of free women bouncing down the street, with children thriving at school, happy at home.

For sure, the family with mum and dad happy together is the ideal. But, we're not talking about that here. The op has described miserable parents. That's what we're comparing to here.

I'm also intrigued where you get your information from - you use 'often' and 'most kids' to fit your point, but can you let me know your source? Anecdotally, that isn't my experience whatsoever.

Divorce is not the huge taboo it used to be. Your kids will have lots of friends whose parents are not together. There is absolutely no reason for it to be a source of shame for them OR for you.

Ask yourself if you really want to live the rest of your life like this. Obviously change is scary, but your kids are getting a terrible lesson on how marriage works. It’s better to teach them that if someone treats you badly, you leave.