I hate my husband and am angry all the time around my kids

Op I was exactly where you are. A non-communicative dh with no sex life for over 10 years, and that I hated. Now we're separated a year and I'm a much calmer measured mother and my children are less anxious. It's not ideal to be separated, but I haven't been angry in a very very long time.

You can’t rationalise it as all couples argue, yes they have disagreements but they communicate and sort the problem. Not take it out on the children that is heartbreaking and damaging to them.
You are bringing the kids down with you if you stay. You don’t sound like you even like each other. All that matters is when kids are happy and I guarantee living in that atmosphere is never going to make them happy.
Sorry you are going through this but you know deep down what you need to do.

If people really get upset hearing that and want to believe divorce must be mostly good for kids that is their own wishful thinking at play.

Divorce versus the home life OP describes is likely to be beneficial for the kids. We can only go on what Op tells us when she describes the environment of the home If you think the environment her kids are living in is acceptable then you're frankly wrong. It's unacceptable, unhealthy and will be damaging them.

He is failing in every aspect of a relationship. He is harsh to you and the kids, he actively and regularly upsets you and the kids, he is sulky, lazy, manipulative and unsupportive.

I can't think of any reason why you'd stay with him.

Only thing I would say is be careful when you tell him to leave. Make sure you have a friend on standby to help you out if needed. Things can escalate pretty fast when men like this don't get what they want.

Soubds an awful situation.

How much longer are you going to be unhappy in this relationship?

How much more time are you going to let your kids think that this sort of relationship is normal?

My parents marriage was like this... I wish they parted... They didn't. My dad aggressively ignored my mum and us, for my entire childhood. It's a shit template for relationships.

Speak to a solicitor urgently. With the money between you, and you as the main parent... I'm sure you could live separately.... You would have a large claim on the house in this situation.

And move forward to a nice, happier life, without him actually in your home.

Don't let lack of knowledge of your likely future (legally) BLOCK your road to a happier life.

@thepeopleversuswork

The people on these pages who are interested in commenting that divorce makes the children happier believe that either because they were the ones to want to divorce or from experience as children. However there are also a lot of people who don’t believe it from their own experience - I was only giving that alternate but equally real truth. People like that are also less likely to frequent Mumsnet pages on divorce.

I’ve never said divorce couldn’t be good for children or that whether it was good or bad could be ambiguous- It can be good for them. I’ve only said it can also be bad for them. And sometimes both at once.
If people really get upset hearing that and want to believe divorce must be mostly good for kids that is their own wishful thinking at play.

Otherwise, stop being a 'family'. You cook for you and the children. No more family meals. Grey Rock him as much as possible and get the children out of the house at weekends.

my husband was the child of divorced parents. He told me once that it was lovely once they had divorced because the anger and the shouting stopped

How do people manage to continue to live with someone while their divorce is progressing? I don't think he would leave the house.
He doesn't sound like the type of man to live amicably while the divorce is in process.
I genuinely think it is a very dangerous time if he is volatile most days.
Could you leave, sell the home.

[quote SomeFineDay]@thepeopleversuswork

I didn’t tell her she was being selfish, I think he’s behaving badly (from what we’ve heard which to be fair is one side) so calm down.[/quote]
What you actually said is that people justify leaving a marriage by saying its done with the children's best interests at heart (with the very clear implication that you think it's usually not).

That's a more convoluted and less honest way of saying you think anyone who divorces is selfish.

After you've read pages of commentary from people who wished their own parents had divorced earlier.

Let's call a spade a spade. And please don't tell me to calm down. I am perfectly capable of being calm and disagreeing with you: the two are not mutually exclusive.

Your situation sounds exactly the same as mine. It’s becoming unbearable. My parents also divorced when I was very young and I was adamant my children would have a ‘normal’ childhood (unlike mine). However, this situation is not ‘normal’ it’s absolutely awful and it’s affecting them (in a recent parents evening my dd’s teacher said she seemed to had lost a lot of confidence in herself). So it’s not only affecting me now, I have to think of them. I made long lists of pros and cons about him/me, staying/leaving and they were very one sided. I’ve looked up about what rights I have if we did separate. I only work part-time, we are not married but have been together over twenty years and thankfully have joint names on the mortgage. We have a nice house which I love BUT this is not healthy for any of us (I often think surely my partners not happy either) if we have to sell up then so be it, I’ve tried everything to make our home life a happy one, but we can’t carry on like this, we need to separate. Find out about your rights, think hard about what life would be like if you separated, you’ve said yourself the house is a much happier place when he’s not their. I’ve no doubt it’s going to be really bloody hard at first but surely anything’s better than it is right now?

It's hard as you essentially lead separate lives but under one roof. There will of course come a point when one of you moves out but please don't do that without first taking legal advice. And hard as it may be, life sounds pretty shit at the moment and at least you won't be responsible for his shit or have any expectations of him only to be disappointed again.

I don't think you've got anything to lose (once you've your financial ducks in a row) by sitting him down one evening and telling him you aren't prepared to continue like this and have an appointment with a solicitor to start divorce proceedings. What's the worse he can do - get in a strop? Nothing new there and at least by telling him you will force yourself to face up to the situation and act. Make it clear, you are there for the children only and everything else is on him - I'd make it clear if he wants to leave life will be a lot easier but if not, his washing, cooking cleaning etc are on him.
I hope you can find the help and support you need and don't let your childhood experience colour your judgement as I don't know many (any?) people who say life post divorce was worse than life in a toxic environment with a bully for a father.

As a child of divorced parents, one who was never happy again, I am grateful they did divorce. You are teaching yours sons and daughters that a relationship involves silence and misery, don’t do that to them

I don't think I have read a thread where the marriage is so dead in the water op. He makes you and the children so miserable. Every route to your happiness is blocked - the house is in a state, the children are upset during time spent with him, he is uncommunicative, hostile and lazy. He has chosen not to help in the house and effectively blocked you challenging this. He does not want to help with the children and is horrible to them so you can never relax or get a break. The house is in a poor condition and there is no sign of him working on his "project". You are afraid to communicate this to him. What a sad existence.

I know you feel afraid of him having unsupervised access to the kids, but I feel he will not want to have them for any long periods because it doesn't work for him does it?

I don't understand why the house is solely in his name. You are married though, so it is a marital asset not just his.

I would take some legal advice this week. It may make you feel more confident in reaching a decision, but the alternative is living a miserable existence with a man you hate.

The good thing is your working FT
So presumable financially Independant now
I’d do two things
(1) start planning , start to plan financially and emotionally for life a a single parent
(2) withdraw from the battle a bit and look after your own sanity - right now he’s at home
What could you do in free time to clear your head ? As I’d make a concerted effort
(3) talk to someone , either a trusted friend or a therapist , work things out a bit

Single parenthood isn’t easy but it means you have HOPE which is nigh on impossible when unhappily married

He treats you like dirt OP. Your DC will learn his behaviour as their normal.
We're all kind to each other but hot headed like Dad, DM was sweet and gentle his personality overrode and influenced ours.
Personality traits come from learned behaviours, break the cycle.

However, if you think you're being actually gaslit by having your derisive comments confronted a couple of times on an Internet forum, it's astonishing that you could be so dismissive of women who actually live in these sorts of situations looking for a way out.

Keep showing yourself up.

I grew up in a home like this and it damaged me. There was always an atmosphere and I dreaded the sound of my father's key in the lock. I am not grateful to my parents, quite the opposite. You are modelling the relationship your children will think is normal and no doubt, repeat themselves

What do you mean by winding the kids up ? I just hope it’s not a case of you being too soft on them and then maybe he expects more from them?

OP I understand the feeling of being stuck and wanting to leave but also facing the reality of having to get everything sorted if you split when you're already exhausted with everything else. but short term pain long term gain. just do it - you will look back in how many years and wonder why you wasted time.