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Original poster

I hate my husband and am angry all the time around my kids

237 replies

Cotscats · 14/11/2021 21:44

Looking for some help unravelling my feelings. There is no one in real life I would want to admit this to. Family and friends think we're happily married and my husband is great.

Our marriage is in a bad state. We haven't had sex since conceiving our youngest (now 7 years old). Sex life was ok when dating. After our first child arrived (now 12) things went downhill. He's not very interested - used to watch a lot of porn and I clearly don't really turn him on.

That's one issue. The other is he does not/will not talk to me. If I start a conversation it's like a chore for him to join in. It's an open joke - he'll tolerate me and listen to me ramble on but it's like he's doing me a favour. He's not interested in talking about anything with me really - not the kids, not our future plans ... he prefers me to sort it all out then inform him. An example is choosing schools for the children; he will leave it to me to book open days, visit, look around, make the applications. It's like this with most things in our life - booking a holiday, buying a garden shed or a car - all research and arrangements down to me.

Lastly I recently went from part time to full time work and he will not do anything additional to share the load now I have less hours in the day. We talked about this before I accepted the full time job and he assured me he would share the load. Do Friday school run for example. He doesn't. I am so frustrated and angry that I blew up a couple of weeks ago and he refuses to talk to me about it because I'm so angry.

This is what happens every time I try to talk to him about an issue in our relationship. I go to him, talk calmly and reasonably about the issue. He immediately goes on the defensive and starts talking in a booming voice that drowns me out. I ask him to quieten down so the children don't hear. He doesn't. Then I start to feel angry and frustrated. I'll either shout or cry - and that's his cue. He storms off. Sometimes leaves the house. More often goes to another room and sulks. If I follow him he gets angrier and shouts. Says he can't talk to me because all I do is shout and put him down. But I don't - I start off trying to talk but then he refuses to talk and booms over me to shut me up then I feel frustrated. It's as though he has this perfect formula to stop us ever communicating. I hate it. I can't stand being around him any longer. Today I just wanted to give up. I can't live like this anymore. I want to feel happy.

I take it out on the children. I'm short with them, impatient, unsmiling. The opposite of who I am and the parent I want to be. Why am I taking it out on them and not him? I can't think straight anymore and feel so hopeless about the future.

OP posts:
MsAgnesDiPesto · 15/11/2021 13:45

@Cotscats

A home with laughter and fun. Parents who respect and love each other. Relationships with their parents that foster feelings of trust, confidence and security, a sense of wellbeing. What I want for them is to have a strong and solid base at home so that no matter what the world throws at them, they have that strength on the inside and that safe place to retreat to when they need to.
All good aims. But you can’t change your DH to provide all that unless he wants to. And he doesn’t seem to either want to, or know how to. You can’t love him better, or wish him capable. You have to be practical here, with your children’s well-being as your absolutely primary consideration.

So the next best thing would be to create that secure home yourself, for you and your children. They don’t need two parents under the same roof for their home to be the sanctuary you seek. Believe it or not, you are capable of doing that by yourself!

Original poster
Cotscats · 15/11/2021 13:43

I want them to be happy and resilient.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cotscats · 15/11/2021 13:42

A home with laughter and fun. Parents who respect and love each other. Relationships with their parents that foster feelings of trust, confidence and security, a sense of wellbeing. What I want for them is to have a strong and solid base at home so that no matter what the world throws at them, they have that strength on the inside and that safe place to retreat to when they need to.

OP posts:
CanIPleaseHaveOne · 15/11/2021 13:41

@lechatnoir

I don't think you've got anything to lose (once you've your financial ducks in a row) by sitting him down one evening and telling him you aren't prepared to continue like this and have an appointment with a solicitor to start divorce proceedings. What's the worse he can do - get in a strop? Nothing new there and at least by telling him you will force yourself to face up to the situation and act. Make it clear, you are there for the children only and everything else is on him - I'd make it clear if he wants to leave life will be a lot easier but if not, his washing, cooking cleaning etc are on him. I hope you can find the help and support you need and don't let your childhood experience colour your judgement as I don't know many (any?) people who say life post divorce was worse than life in a toxic environment with a bully for a father.
I agree with this. At this point you have nothing to loose be having a "matter of fact" conversation. I would not do any domestic caring for him, laundry, cooking, etc. I would have a mantra "I do not function well when treated badly". I would not "try and talk" - he has run that down.

Meantime, get your finances organized. Find a good solicitor. Start looking at alternative living accommodations - get to know the market out there. Really focus when in work, and figure out what you need to do to increase your earnings.

Give yourself a timeline - say three or six months.

You can create a haven for you and the children that will be filled with peace and love.

Your life sounds so very sad. Prince Charming exists you know - it is you. Time to get about rescuing yourself. Imagine the warmth and love you and the dc will have in a space created for you by you.

Tiredalwaystired · 15/11/2021 13:39

Please don’t co-exist because you’re scared to leave. My best friend did this for five years. Her relationship got more and more toxic until it reached a very violent head (no previous physical violence in the relationship) and she had to leave.

It was the best thing she has ever done and is now very happy with another partner. She was scared to go but when push came to shove she did it and it’s been wonderful. I’m so sad she didn’t leave when it became clear she should, because she could have avoided what happened (which her kids saw). it was destined to happen anyway.

DrSbaitso · 15/11/2021 13:20

Sorry, I asked that question and yes, I did gear it towards what OP wanted.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 15/11/2021 13:20

If I had been asked what I wanted for my children I would have responded with a description of the home and relationships I want them to grow up in

Apologies OP, I misunderstood.

If you were asked that question re your kids what would you say you want?

And can you see it's not achievable with the man you're currently with?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 15/11/2021 13:18

@SeaOfLights

youvegottenminuteslynn I initially read that the same as you, but then I thought Cotscats was really describing how she wanted her relationship to be - the question she was answering ‘what do you want?’ was in relation to how her husband would be quite happy to keep how things were with her doing everything. And a poster asked, ‘and what do you want?’ to which she replied what she would like the relationship to be.

Ie the question was about the adult relationship, not the children, and that was what she was answering.

Ah ok that makes more sense.

But as I expressed in previous posts, if the children are the priority then removing them from this environment is vital.

Even if they live in a smaller, happy healthy home with a happy, healthy primary carer (OP) and visit their dad. If he's still a dick to them then at least they have a safe place to come home to. Better to have a safe place 50% minimum of the time (and let's be honest, there's no chance he will actually want 50/50) than be in a stressful, toxic, tense home with two adults who no longer love or respect each other 100% of the time.

There's no benefit to the children growing up in this environment. They'll likely repeat the pattern in their own adult relationships which is so incredibly unfair on them.

Original poster
Cotscats · 15/11/2021 13:17

My response wasn't describing a future relationship. I've no interest in meeting someone new. My response was describing what I wanted from my husband, because I was asked what I wanted rather than what I wanted for my children.

If I had been asked what I wanted for my children I would have responded with a description of the home and relationships I want them to grow up in.

OP posts:
SeaOfLights · 15/11/2021 13:15

youvegottenminuteslynn I initially read that the same as you, but then I thought Cotscats was really describing how she wanted her relationship to be - the question she was answering ‘what do you want?’ was in relation to how her husband would be quite happy to keep how things were with her doing everything. And a poster asked, ‘and what do you want?’ to which she replied what she would like the relationship to be.

Ie the question was about the adult relationship, not the children, and that was what she was answering.

catfunk · 15/11/2021 13:04

Honestly I'd leave. And I'd stop doing anything for him until one of you has moved out.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 15/11/2021 12:59

@Cotscats

I want to be with someone who likes me and who likes talking to me. Someone who wants to spend time with me. A partner who is my partner in the sense we make decisions together and they are actively involved.
I think you need to reframe this whole thing so it's not as much about you / him and is about the kids. That might give you the boost you need to leave.

Someone asked what you wanted and you've described a future relationship.

I feel that, as someone who grew up in a tense and shouty household where I wish my parents divorced while I still lived with them, your answer is a bit troubling.

I feel like I expected it to be "I want my kids to live in a happy, calm home where they aren't being made anxious and stressed by parents fighting and taking frustrations out on them."

Rather than your decision to leave being based on whether you can meet someone 'better', it should be based on the fact your current set up is unfair, unhealthy and damaging for the kids.

Bunce1 · 15/11/2021 12:46

You can leave him and have a happy life.

The first step you have already done, admitting the problem and wanting to make a change.

I feel like youre in an abusive relationship

arethereanyleftatall · 15/11/2021 12:34

Like so often on mn, you open the thread with an op that downplays the extent, talks of a hum-drum plodding along marriage, which does invite the odd poster to say 'carry on', then as posters delve deeper, emerges a deeply unpleasant, selfish, abusive, bully.
It happens so often, that I wonder if women trapped like this do it, sub-consciously, on purpose; because they can't bear a unanimous ltb response, and need the little steps.

JorisBonson · 15/11/2021 12:30

I grew up with parents who hated each other. It took me 20 years to figure out what a decent relationship looked like.

Please don't put your children in this position.

Original poster
Cotscats · 15/11/2021 12:28

I want to be with someone who likes me and who likes talking to me. Someone who wants to spend time with me. A partner who is my partner in the sense we make decisions together and they are actively involved.

OP posts:
DrSbaitso · 15/11/2021 12:23

He wants me to continue with all childcare and household responsibilities and admin, and just be left to live his life without anyone asking anything of him. He'd like to maintain the family man persona but without any effort on his part.

I bet he does.

But what do you want?

DrSbaitso · 15/11/2021 12:22

@Cotscats

His father is the same only more extreme. In his book, he is an improvement on his father and therefore doing a good job.
That's very often the way.

And I'd guess that any implication that he's at all like his father just results in extreme denial and anger. But a neutral request that he start treating people better isn't working either.

If he won't change, and people generally don't, this is it for you and your kids, unless you make changes instead.

Do the kids talk to you about how he makes them feel?

Original poster
Cotscats · 15/11/2021 12:22

I think what he wants is to continue as we are but without me ever kicking up a fuss about our non existent relationship.

He wants me to continue with all childcare and household responsibilities and admin, and just be left to live his life without anyone asking anything of him. He'd like to maintain the family man persona but without any effort on his part.

He doesn't ever suggest we spend time together or talk or resolve any conflicts. He doesn't plan for ours or the kids futures. If he does even think about it, he doesn't share that with me.

OP posts:
MMMarmite · 15/11/2021 12:20

@Cotscats

What does he do? He'll make a sarcastic comment like "oh are you actually going to not be so lazy and put your things in the dishwasher today?" and he'll keep going with it, so 4 or 5 comments in the same vein, while the child gets increasingly upset. If they speak back, he'll shout, then the child starts crying or runs out of the room upset.

I've asked him not to do this countless times. I suggest he just nicely/politely asks the child to do the thing he'd like them to do, rather than always use sarcasm or making a derogatory comment. He always throws an insult in there instead of just asking them something.

The other thing he does is charge over them and not ask them what they want. Examples are, when he wants the children to stop what they're doing to go out/go to be/come to the dinner table, he'll just walk in, switch off the TV/take away their game - there's never any communication, ie: it's nearly bedtime, please cn you switch off the TV?

The kids might reply, can we just watch the last 5 minutes? Which I think is reasonable and then they're happy and there's no drama and big fall out.

This is textbook emotional abuse. Sarcasm, repeated unfair criticism, name calling ("lazy"), and frequent shouting.
tara66 · 15/11/2021 12:17

Sorry not able to read all posts but so sorry you and your children are enduring the life you describe. What does your H actually want - just to be cruel and vindictive to his family? Have you asked him? Perhaps he wants a divorce. You could actually lock him out of the house (change the locks) . Call the police if he gets violent (take proof of violence).

Original poster
Cotscats · 15/11/2021 12:13

His father is the same only more extreme. In his book, he is an improvement on his father and therefore doing a good job.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cotscats · 15/11/2021 12:11

Yes he's the main breadwinner by a very large margin.

OP posts:
DrSbaitso · 15/11/2021 11:59

He is asserting his right to treat everyone else as he pleases with no need to justify himself or consider their feelings. That's why he can just switch things off without any warning or communication, or throw in insults when making any kind of instruction or request. Because he has the right to treat you all as he likes, and what you feel or need doesn't come into it...even as basic courtesy or respect.

Is he the main breadwinner? That's often how it is justified, in their minds anyway.

It is a horrible environment for anyone to live in, not least young minds and personalities in their formative years.

Bunce1 · 15/11/2021 11:50

It can't have always been like this or you would have never had married and had children with him?

Have you contacted a solicitor?

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