I hate my husband and am angry all the time around my kids

This post is old, and likely no one will see this, but I was wonder if the OP had any updates. Did it get better, did it get worse, did you leave or did you stay? I need encouragement, this is my story as well and I'm so lost.

🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟🧟
Zombie thread

The thing that screams from your post is your inability to communicate with one another. I think it is worth a shot at some counselling to try and address this.

This sounds exactly like my partner and I, he is now in the process of being diagnosed with NPD. (Covert type).

This is what they do, they bait and get us to react and then play victim. And they use the silent treatment.

Thanks @phishy I’m not great with technology 😂 have done as you suggested. Thank you x

@motherhen2014 you're not overreacting, it sounds miserable. If he's like this on holiday, how much worse must it be in day to day life?

You would be better off starting a new thread in Relationships

Go to www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships and click 'Start New Thread'.

You will get many more responses, as currently you have posted on a very old post and people won't engage with it.

AIBU to find family holidays unbelievably stressful and they seem to highlight problems in my marriage….

So,I booked 13 nights in puglia for me, husband and boys, 8&11. I love travelling and we haven’t been able to do anything for almost 4 years, firstly due to my parents being poorly and then passing away, I cared for them and then covid hit so i have been extra excited to start living and appreciating life again.

so for this trip, I researched booked absolutely everything and yet DH still picked holes and complained (that the car in the car hire wasn’t right and the villa in the middle of nowhere)
When I politely suggest he might then take more of an interest in helping to research book and pay for holidays he simply says he doesn’t have any free time. He works full time and I work 3 long days a week and the other two consist of childcare/admin and housework. He thinks I have loads of ‘free time’ despite me arguing otherwise.
when we eventually get away he never seems to want to do anything - i wanted to explore and drive to nearby towns etc and he just doesn’t seem interested.
our boys are lovely but very lively and won’t sit and read and always want to be doing something. I fought not to take screens on holiday as I felt we all needed a digital detox- and I notice their behaviour improves when they’re not on them.
i feel exhausted already and sad that it’s like this (me wanting to explore as a family and he doesn’t seem fussed)
i feel like we are so incompatible in this area that it spells disaster for when we’re older and the kids have moved on, he won’t want to do anything at all!

i have tried talking to him calmly and explaining how important it is to me but he always goes on the defensive and it ends in a row. He always thinks he’s right and never apologises so no progress is ever made!

After losing my folks(and I have no other family left) I’m conscious not to waste whatever time I have left (I’m only 43) but equally maybe I’m overreacting that this is a deal breaker element to the marriage. Essentially I’m always up for compromise and meeting in the middle and his attitude is that it’s his way that overrules.

All comments welcome, do any of you really truly enjoy family breaks? Does your DH get on your tits? Or am I the problem?!

How tough for you OP. I think you should either consider marriage counselling or ending the marriage. If your DC and you are all happier during the week there’s something really wrong.

Personally I grew up in a household like that and it was awful. When I think of my childhood I can only think of the arguments between my parents and days of nobody talking. They split when I was an adult and I never understood why they didn’t do it sooner.

You're going to fuck your kids up more by sticking around in this exceptionally unhealthy environment. They need to see you happy and that's not going to happen whilst you are living like this.

Cotscats wow that is a genuinely hard relationship to be in .

One of the greatest irritants I find with Mumsnet is the glib 'leave your husband' 'just (!) get a divorce' 'LTB' (leave the bastard) etc . Which is given out for practically all crimes and misdemeanours committed by male partners. With pretty much every character trait assigned the 'abuse' tag.

The reason I find it so irritating is because on rare occasions , the advice to leave an abusive arse is so obviously the ONLY thing to do . This is one of those rare occasions.

Your husbands sulking and stonewalling IS abusive. His behaviour towards the children IS abusive. As far as I can make out the ONLY positive that he brings to the table is a higher income.

You really need to start the research required to get the best possible outcome from a divorce.

The fact that the house is in his name only is irrelevant as you are married. You need to do some very basic stuff to ensure you cannot be denied your legal entitlements if you decide to divorce. Even if you decide to remain married it's a pretty important thing to do anyway.

1. Register an interest in your home.

www.gov.uk/government/publications/notice-of-home-rights-registration-hr1

You can do this yourself without a lawyer .

1. Collect all details of your husbands income and any savings. Plus annual bonuses.

1. Keep a detailed diary of his behaviour towards the children. His behaviour (from what you describe) does not make him suitable for none supervised access. He definitely needs parenting classes. Personally I would make him jump through the child arrangements order hoops.. where you can provide your diary and evidence of his behaviour towards them . In an effort to get him to attend such a program in order to obtain access. He really doesn't deserve free access.

1. Stop with the divorce guilt !! More kids than not come from divorced parents these days. The guilt should be coming from them enduring their parents awful relationship.

1. Look at discussing an occupation order with your lawyer. You may be able to stay in the house . Especially if you can afford the mortgage (with maintenance)

6 . Look at the turn2us benefits calculator to see what other financial help available. Remember that child maintenance not counted.

1. Yet yourself to counselling in order to work through how to leave.

Good luck x

It sounds like your husband learned how to parent from his crappy parents… and now he’s teaching your children how to do it. Right now he’s teaching your kids what fathers are, what it means to be a father and you are teaching them what it means to be a mother.

DH and I had some similar issues. He brought some very negative patterns of behaviour from his own up bringing - always seeing the negative, being angry and critical. The crucial difference is that he was also open to me pointing this out and wanting to change. It was really really hard and we did argue over it but we got there in the end. It doesn’t sound like your DH is at all interested in becoming a better father unfortunately.

A home with laughter and fun. Parents who respect and love each other. Relationships with their parents that foster feelings of trust, confidence and security, a sense of wellbeing. What I want for them is to have a strong and solid base at home so that no matter what the world throws at them, they have that strength on the inside and that safe place to retreat to when they need to.

Your H doesn't want that.

He has what he wants right now and it's the opposite of what any decent, healthy parent wants for their home life and their children. He has ready made victims who are helpless when he targets them.

If you want a good, safe home for your children , you are going to have to provide it for them yourself.

I second this ^^

This is one of the saddest posts I've read on here.

I haven't much to add except that I'd love to think at some point in the future, you'd all be free from this awful bully and that you'd post saying not only were you all happy, but that you were thriving too.

Please please make that your reality, you and your children deserve nothing less.

I wish you all the very best

Get counseling... if you can't save the relationship, it can also be a way to end a relationship more peacefully.

Please let us know how you get on @Cotscats - wishing you strength, sending you love..

It sounds like he bullies your children. It's not just a complete breakdown in communication, he verbally berates them. You need to either stop this or leave- with them. I'm so sorry. Xx

It’s awful, OP. Joyless, not loving, not close, not a partnership. It sounds like he has no interest in putting in any effort into your relationship or into trying to resolve any issues. You try to talk to him about being happy and you can’t because he’s unable to deal with problems without shouting and battling against you. That’s about as basic as a relationship gets: you have to be with someone you can talk to. Otherwise, you can’t possibly be a partnership. You are asking for an absolute basic and he can’t even manage that.

It sounds like he’s checked out emotionally from you and the kids because he doesn’t really care that everyone is clearly unhappy. Perhaps he’s too cowardly to admit things aren’t working and is hoping if he continues you’ll leave him. Then he can continue the absolute facade that he’s a great partner and you were the one who bailed out.

I wouldn’t hesitate to leave, OP. You get one very short and precious life. You can’t spend it merely existing and wishing it were different. Bring about that change yourself if he’s unwilling to be the one to help you make things better.

I am not surprised you are miserable.
I think you need to talk to your GP about your low mood and try to arrange some talking therapy.

Your marriage is not the same as your parents and your divorce doesn't have to be either.

Staying in this relationship will not be better longer term for your DC. What you are showing them is that marriage is miserable, with DM angry and frustrated and DP not participating then using his angry voice to get his way/shut you up.

Divorce is a choice. You could try MC but it doesn't sound like your DH wouldn't be up for that. He already avoids making any useful contribution to your lives.

You would probably find your DH will have to do more if you were separated and you would have more time for you.

My PILs sound like you and your DH. Still together after 50 odd years for the ‘kids’ or financial reasons. They loathe each other and have caused untold Damage to their kids over the years.
They should have divorced 40 years ago. Your children are NOT going to be happier if you stay in this toxic relationship.
Go see a lawyer and start planning your escape route - even though you’re not on the deeds you are married with children so will have lots of rights.