To not want my in laws visiting every month

I'm with mrsm43s too. I would be very bright and breezy , show them where everything is, lend them a set of keys for the visit and carry on with all my normal activities. If needed I would also be making comments about how nice that you don't need to treat family like guests but can just crack on.

Yes you are being totally unreasonable. So you make plenty of effort at Christmas for your own family, having enough time and energy to invite 12 of them yet you cannot find it in your heart to also invite your in laws, grandparents to your children. You and your husband need to have a good look at yourselves. Disgusting behaviour, so hurtful. Your poor inlaws must feel like they are unwanted, unloved and treading on egg shells all the time.

I highly doubt that considering the way they are treating OP. She ASKED them about their Christmas Plans and they chose not to give her an answer something they have form for and sorted it with her husband instead and he said he thought they knew there wouldn’t be a second trip. Perhaps if they had answered her questions instead of ignoring her, they would have been accommodated closer to Christmas. My own in-laws tell us when they’re thinking of coming down or if I or husband ask they will give us either a definite answer or “we’re not sure but we’ll let you know” because that’s what reasonable adults do. They don’t ignore me like OP’s does. It is OP’s house too and she is the one who lives there and is the main person who is going to be hosting them since their son is at work.

Also, she did say that they alternate so this year is her family.

Some of you are projecting majorly because your own in-laws are not interested in your own kids so you think any DIL with in-laws like OP should simply accept it or is cruel for having some boundaries.

Yes you are being totally unreasonable. So you make plenty of effort at Christmas for your own family, having enough time and energy to invite 12 of them yet you cannot find it in your heart to also invite your in laws, grandparents to your children. You and your husband need to have a good look at yourselves. Disgusting behaviour, so hurtful. Your poor inlaws must feel like they are unwanted, unloved and treading on egg shells all the time. They obviously want a relationship with you and their grandchildren. I had a MIL who wasn't interested in her own children yet alone her grandchildren!! Be kind, welcome them into your home and your heart. Put differences aside. And appreciate them!!

Just keep it simple OP.

"Sorry we are busy, can we get together after Xmas" short & sweet

We have a 2 and half hour drive to se our beautiful grandchildren .. we stay at a hotel so we don’t over impose and we give them a rest for a couple of days .. life is short … some grandparents couldn’t give a hoot Zz my brother has 3 and he couldn’t care less about them

I was fully on your page but then you said that you'd encouraged them to stay with you rather than at a B&B near....
So although I agree it's too much, in all kinds of ways, from their point of view they're taking you at your word. The only difference being a big gap followed by a small one... why.. Xmas.
Good luck is all I can say,... if you had more time you could ween yourself slowly away to a more manageable visit schedule... but its already November so cannot see an answer without causing a stink.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable, I recently had my
Teen niece and nephew for the week and have 3 boys myself 12,3 and 5 months. Normally a bit of a social butterfly and happy to do lots with the kids this time I felt overwhelmed and exhausted. Planning to have people stay so far ahead with a new born is also very difficult as they change so much. One week sleep like an angel then awake all through the night.

If you think you might change your mind, I’d just say really sorry but December is really full
On and we cannot committee at the moment, shall we see how it goes and I’ll Let you know.

If you don’t want to stress and worry about it anymore just be honest and say, unfortunately our December is fully booked. Offer the alternative dates or maybe offer a night to go sleep at theirs then you can leave on your terms.

For years I said yes to stuff I wasn’t feeling up to or felt pressured into and it made me develop anxiety. I just started saying no to things and no one hated me.

Xx

Many people aren't reading your OP or actual posts

You asked if yabu to not want monthly visits from PIL. What you meant wasn't that you don't want to see them monthly (an afternoon visit would be great) but that you don't want to host snd entertain them all day every for 3 full days, every 4th weekend. And they've invited themselves back to stay a second time in Dec for couple days before Xmas when you'll already be too busy to host them again .

It sounds like even when they stay elsewhere PILs turn up all day for 3 days and expect entertaining do your & DCs lives go on hold . That's too much. You really have to manage their expectations and visit behaviour. Keep your diary going, don't be a hotel.

You don't want PILs inviting themselves again to stay with you 20-22nd Dec as you'll be too busy running around getting ready before 12 of your family come for a planned visit/ stay and Xmas dinner- for a last Xmas together with your terminally ill relative . None of that is unreasonable, it's ok to say no. You said you alternate Xmas anyway so it's their turn next year. You can always make NYD or Easter visits as "their time" this year and swop it next year.

There's no rule. You do what suits your family

@Feelingoktoday I understand what you are saying, which is why I host my inlaws once a month. I’m just saying it’s tricky as they are not the easiest people to please or be around at times, and I bend over backwards to please my mil but it never seems to be enough. They would move in if they could I’m sure!

I think you get grandparents who want a genuine two way relationship with their children and grandchildren that is mutually beneficial but you also get those who just see being a grandparent almost like a status symbol. It's something that fulfills them and they are entitled to this fulfillment whenever they want it. The first type are more willing to compromise and actually treat the parents of the GCs like human beings with their own needs rather than an irrelevance.

The PP who described this situation as imposing on a young family had it spot on.

To all the I-hope-my-son-doesnt-marry-someone-as-cruel-as-you posters my advice would be to treat any DILs with respect, accept they may have had a more difficult birth than you or a baby that is harder work. Understand that these baby groups or classes are often very beneficial to a new mums mental health. Try to fit in with family life when you do visit. Have a life outside of being a grandparent so you aren't completely dependent on them for your fulfillment. Accept that your DIL is going to have a different relationship with her own mother and all the whinging about "equal grandparents" won't change that. Expect more from your son's and don't expect DIL to be some sort of social secretary.

I would love for my kids to have grandparents who make the effort for them.

I have only read your posts but it doesn't sound like you like the in laws very much and apparently your DH has no say in any family plans.

If you alternate Christmas then stick with that routine its a fair approach.

If you don’t want to see them be honest don’t make excuses, it could be helpful as they could look after the children enabling you to get on with things. Alternatively could you invite them for new year?

I would tackle the monthly visit in the new year. You can't blame grandparents wanting to see to babies over Xmas but I totally think it's fine to ask them to stay in a hotel as so many visitors.

Completely on your side as I also had a troubled relationship with my ex in-laws who lived a significant distance away and expected to stay for days on end when I had small children. You’ve genuinely got a lot on so can justify only seeing them once in December. But be honest and explain that you’re overwhelmed so it’s harder for them to blame you and take this personally. Also, if you accept their plans for this year, you’re setting a precedent that will run and mean you’re overseeing them every Christmas. When you genuinely don’t Bond with in-laws limiting contact to what you can manage maintains civility

I have teens and an adult DD. I also have grandchildren courtesy of DD1. I live and breath them... want to be with them a the time,so I get the once a month for a few days thing.

Is there a reason you and your family couldn't go to them every other month and have them come to you in between?

I do think you need to put your foot down over two visits in one month though.

Personally i would suck up the second xmas visit but push it put to post xmas and do f all hosting - dh makes the beds and they get leftovers and freezer party food.
It will be a lot more chilled that way.

I'm with you OP. Why do you have to have PIL to stay? For the benefit of their relationship with the children in the future? But what is the point of that when you don't like them, find them odd and offensive re your wedding etc? Be more casual and off hand and don't get buttonholed into any arrangements you don't want. Don't make plans just to be polite. Tell the all their visits perhaps make life rather complicated for them (or you?) and just leave a remark like that ''hanging''. Let DH visit them himself if he wishes to - but anyway there is the excuse that they are so far away. Xmas is rather over rated and mostly a lot of commercialised tat these days anyway.

@Feelingoktoday read @GenderAtheist post, said it better than I could.

@Feelingoktoday She has two small kids, breastfeeding, doing entertaining for 12 and they are not clued in enough to realise they are imposing by coming so often. Set clear boundaries now is my advice. If the husband wants to see them he can. No idea where compromise comes into it?? She is doing all the running about.
Grandparents seem to think its their god given right to rock up whenever- no thanks.

1. Ask your sons to bring your GC to visit you.
2. Be nice to them when they visit you
3. Be exceptionally nice to your son’s partners if you are ever invited to visit their home
4. Don’t pull that emotionally abusive “ you are cruel “ crap on them

HTH

@ihateaparade
AND that this is the year for spending Xmas with YOUR family/friends because you alternate.

I don't think they do alternate between OP's family and her in-laws. I'm pretty sure the OP's family take it in turns to host i.e. her parents, her sister/brother and her. That's how I understood it. OP's turn to host the rest of her family, who frankly, I would hope will turn up and muck in seeing as OP has her hands full.

OP, my in-laws are lovely but not the type who will help out in the house without being asked. Not because they are horrible but more that they don't want to appear like they are interfering. If you 'host' you don't give them chance to relax and help. Carry on normal life, go to baby group, ask them to organise a meal each day, make their bed up, go to the shops etc.

Yes, it’s amazing how she can manage to rally to host 12 of her own family and friends.

Which was planned in advance and before this message. OP said that she and husband discussed that they weren’t coming a second time during December before MIL texted today. OP tried to discuss Christmas plans with the in-laws before all of this and they were vague about it with her only to make plans with their son afterwards who assumed they understood that there couldn’t be a second trip. That was proven wrong when MIL messaged today.

Considering the way these in-laws handled this, I wouldn’t bat an eye and tell them that it doesn’t work and if they come after you about it point out that you did try to talk to them about it but they hadn’t been clear and you thought they had other plans.

They likely could have come over Christmas if they had discussed it with OP when she was trying to instead of ignoring her and I don’t blame her for not wanting to host them a second time if this is the way they treat her.

At least with the earlier date, they won’t have to share time with their grandchildren.

Yes YABU