Under pressure to toilet train severely autistic child. AIBU?

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Toilet Training for Individuals with Autism or Other Developmental Issues: A Comprehensive Guide for Parents and Teachers www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1932565493/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_glt_fabc_KBJAF0MK9CCK4H9S89N6?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

[quote Merryoldgoat]@herculesoffline

How you you suppose you train a child without the language skills to understand and no understanding that he’s soiled or wet himself?

OP isn’t saying she’ll never train him, just that it’s not realistic now.[/quote]
Through behaviour training

Like a dog learns to go poo outside or cat learns litter tray.
I am not being demeaning, but kids,with severe Asd and ld can learn . But it might be later of course.

AbA approach worked for my ds but it was age nine
It was very intensive seven days literally living next to commode chair with special treat for success.and having his carers work shifts as had to be full on one to one.

However I haD no issue with school trying...
Let them try toilet training.
Time training can haVe some success.
Are they asking you to keep a strict log or just asking?

as= and

Another (retired) teacher of children with severe autism in a special school.

It was absolutely normal for us to find that maybe 50% of our intake of five year olds were in nappies. The nursery is being ridiculous.

The standing up to change them thing, has become best practice though, I'm afraid. Particularly for older children it's considered to be more respectful. It also means they can be taken to be changed in the toilets (as speculatively perched on one) with their peers instead of being spread eagled on a changing table with the required two members of staff to one child (which of course leaves the class understaffed as well as being very undignified for the child).

My daughter is 9 and still in nappies. She probably always will be. She has SLD and autism. She’s also non-verbal, extremely sensory-based, different in so many ways that comparisons to “normal development” are futile.

Toilet training either will or won’t happen for many children with additional needs, but it will happen in its own time. It’s pointless trying to push it when the children aren’t ready and I’m surprised and upset OP to hear that an SEN nursery takes this position.

Don’t let them bully you. It’s a tough enough journey and you need nurseries and schools to be on your side. You’re doing great sticking up for your DS. You are his mum and you know him better than anyone. Stay strong.

Oh hell no. I bowed to pressure the first time with my autistic child when he was around the same age. He had started to use some words, show a tiny bit of understanding re toileting and for a few days the weeing at least seemed to kind of be going ok as long as I reminded him every half hour (so not really independent toileting tbh)

Then the stool withholding started. And I can honestly say it was the hardest but of parenting I've experienced so far. It was horrendous. And even though I'd gone into toileting as breezy and casual as possible with him he couldn't cope with it, hence the withholding.

OP you know your child. And this nursery sounds ridiculous, especially if they're meant to be SEN specialists

Definitely potty training should be done when he shows signs of been ready, my asd child was 7...putting too much pressure will only cause too much upset for your child, definitely hold of until you feel he is ready .

I’m a teacher in an SEN school, I used to teach reception and it was very rare for a child to start our school at 4 toilet trained. By age 6/7 we would have a few trained but still the minority, it’s not uncommon for children with severe autism to still be in nappies at secondary school.

I have also found pull ups completely useless for toilet training children with very little language, the most effective way has been to go straight to underwear and to put up with several weeks of wet clothing. Even for the children who were showing very few signs of readiness this has usually been successful as they come to make the link between wetting and the toilet and realise they dislike the feeling of wet clothes. Pull ups are no different to nappies for a child with no concept of underwear, they serve the same purpose as a nappy so don’t really help with toilet training at all.

Telling them to back off isn't strong enough. What the actual fuck.

He is your child. He is not ready. I know that because his mother said so. End of.

I think you have to stick to your guns. Pressuring children with ASD to do anything at all can easily go wrong. There are all kinds of behaviours to do with toileting which can develop.

I hope all goes well with everything. I'm sure it will be best to be relaxed about the whole thing.

I was relaxed with my son who has ASD, and when he started Nursery and Reception, they were very understanding.

They are absolutely being ridiculous. Definitely put it in writing they’ll see in black in white what they’re asking

Ridiculous. My son is autistic and at that age he was non verbal with no clue about toilets etc. He also went to SEN nursery and they never said anything about toilet training him because they knew he wasn't ready.

He started school in nappies. A special school, and they also had no problem with it because lots of kids there were still in nappies, of all ages.

He was ready for toilet training at 5.5 and got the hang of it pretty quickly.

He's not ready and they need to accept that. If anything they might delay him as he could get fearful about toilets if he's made to sit on them constantly.

Your ds is functioning at 12-18 month level you said.

Ask her how many 12-18 month olds she knows who are toilet trained.

You know your child better than anyone. YANBU.

Change nursery ASAP. They are totally out of order

Absolutely ridiculous

I work in a special school, specifically for children with autism and lots of our children are still in nappies.
Don't let them pressure you if he's not ready.

Could you contact the school that he'll be going to to get their position on having children in nappies to shut the nursery up?

Do whatever you feel is best for your child. If you don’t want to continue it firmly tell her no and say it’s not something you will be discussing with her again until you feel it’s the right time. (It doesn’t sound like the right time from what you’ve written anyway) and you don’t HAVE to do anything she has said. Ridiculous.

My ds was wearing nappies for school at 5. He’s nearly 8 and I wouldn’t say he’s reliably dry or clean now (he’s been in underpants in the day for over 2 years) he still wears pull ups for bed. Has to take spare clothes in a bag to school everyday and sometimes needs a change. He’s wet himself twice at home today.

He goes to a SN school and children in his year 3 class still wear nappies full time, it’s part and parcel of additional needs.

Ds toilet training is still ongoing years down the line so it’s not something that happens over night.

Mines 11yrs and not trained. Some mainstream schools/nurseries dont get it

@herculesoffline

How you you suppose you train a child without the language skills to understand and no understanding that he’s soiled or wet himself?

OP isn’t saying she’ll never train him, just that it’s not realistic now.

That would say nursery don't understand your child. Not a good sign.

I'd be looking for alternative provision ideally, but given your situation and that he will be in school next year I'd maybe just be very firm with the nursery manager that he isn't ready and they are not to push it.

Did a specialist say it wouldn’t be possible to potty train him? If so bring in a medical note. If not get their advice (the specialist’s) as to what to do and how to train. It’s not always impossible. One of my friend’s dc is severely autistic & the only milestone he ever achieved was being potty trained. But you do need to work with the nursery to find a solution.

This is ridiculous. I have two children with ASD. 1st was trained relatively easily but a bit late.

Second is utterly miles away at 3y 7m

His nursery specifically said to not put pressure on him or ourselves, they have no issues changing him and are overwhelming supportive.

He’s in a mainstream school nursery as he’s not got his EHCP yet.

I’d be reminding them of the legal position and make it clear you won’t discuss it again.

Idiots.