To really strongly dislike my autistic child

Keep asking for help, it takes ages and it’s never really over but keep at it. For us what makes life easier is routine, lowering of expectations and more routine. People say self care is important and I know they’re right but it’s such a struggle to also look after yourself. But, at least be kind to yourself at all times.

You need a break and some support. It is completely normal to feel at the end of your tether. I have two with ASD whom I love. I have worked my arse off caring for them and making sure they get the best support. There have been times I wish I never had them. There have been times I have been hurt and the stress and pressure is unlike anything else I have ever experienced. You need help. As an aside residential school is not always the wrong thing. There are some excellent schools for children with ASD. When our ds went to a residential I regained the emotional capacity and energy to parent him better at weekends and holidays.

I feel for you, OP, and I think you’re being honest. You do need some support and some help. Meeting other parents with autistic children might help if that’s possible?

This sounds so hard and you’ve had some appalling comments on here. I’m sorry. I’m no expert on this but I’m always impressed by @aladdinmum so maybe she can help.

Mombie2021, you can offer advice/feedback without being a bitch, you know? 😎

Yep.

Also, my ds coped far better without the daily trips and having a regular routine. He was over stimulated by everything and it didn’t help.

OP you balls up by posting this on AIBU. Ask MN to move it over to the SN boards for support

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time OP and I hope you are able to ignore some of the unhelpful and vicious comments on here.

When people say they are at breaking point, people need to listen.

What support have you got at the moment? Have you got a partner? Family? Could you try and speak to your GP and request some social services involvement so you can get some additional support? You need to tell them that you are at the end of your tether.

There is respite care available, so you could find out about local resources for that. Could you afford a cleaner so that when you have time to yourself you can make the most of it and not spend it all doing chores?

FWIW, my eldest son has ASD and my younger one is neurotypical, so there is no guarantee that you would have the same experience with your new baby.

Sending unmumsnetty hugs.

I have felt like this at points. My ASD child is older now and things have improved a bit. I do think age 5 and 6 were the worst bits. I was being hit, bitten, screamed at. Food refusal (ARFID/sensory issues), school refusal, no affection. Lots of defiance. Because my DC was undiagnosed at that point I thought it was all some failing in me, but I know now that it's not. That helped to stop feeling ashamed and guilty and start understanding their differences. What seemed like fun and building memories to me, was overwhelming and stressful for my DC. I've stopped expecting my DC to give me what I need as a parent and instead I try and give my DC what they need from me. I've stopped trying to impose my image of what family life should be and instead try to adapt to what my family life is. It's not an easy process and having a child with neuro-diversity is a daily challenge. It's often a thankless task and hidden so people don't really recognise or understand your struggles. The first step for me was letting go of what people (including me!) thought out life should be. And to stop trying to change my child and accept them wholeheartedly as they are and love them for that instead of being frustrated with who they're not.

It gets better. I promise. My asd child was fucking feral when he was that age. One day something will click on him and he will become your wonderful child. For me it was when my ds was about 6/7, for my dsis, it was about 12. You’ve coped this far.

I get it. I don’t think people who lack experience can really understand it- the constant screaming, tantrums, shouting. When that is your daily life, all the time, what that can actually do to a person. It’s bloody hard to find anything positive when that’s your reality and I struggle to believe anyone put in that situation would feel any differently.

It sounds unbelievably difficult

Some really shitty responses on here.

Maybe cut back on the outings and have regular, routine days , particularly for when your next child arrives.

Id suggest a call to Early Help ( in conjunction with Social Services ) and they will have a wealth of other service support for parents like you.
You need to ask.

I'd also recommend looking at the National Autistic Society's website. There is a wealth of information that GP's may not know about and can point you towards lots of situations and local groups.

💐

[quote Mombie2021]@pelosi it’s obvious from her post that her child isn’t coping with being carted off and days out and experiences, this needs pointing out.[/quote]
But it needs to said more sensitively, otherwise these posts just drive the OP away.

[quote esloquehay]@Mombie2021, you can offer advice/feedback without being a bitch, you know? 😎[/quote]
Well said👏🏼

Maybe I’m just sick of seeing threads about how parents hate their child with ASD or ADHD, yet you never see posts about how parents of children with other disabilities hate their child.

Hate is an extremely strong word that folk just toss around.

It's not that it's never enough for him, it's too much for him. He doesn't see the world like you do, it's a very scary and overwhelming place for him. You're doing the best you can, give yourself a break on that front.

Those of us parenting children with ASD have learned that we just often can't do what everyone does. That things like this need knocking on the head for the benefit of both the OP and her ds.

It isn't wrong to point out how to make things easier on the OP.

It sounds incredibly tough and in all honesty only those of us who have children with special needs with behavioral issues can truly understand what you are feeling.
The referral to the pediatrician is extremely positive! Ours has helped us tremendously with medication and CAHMS.
re residential school, you need to prove that the current educational setting does not meet his needs, CAHMS can help with this. Ultimately it will be up to the local authority to agree or disagree.
You need to find the right school that will support him and you with his behaviour.
He is still little and with support things will improve so please don’t despair. Xx

I'd say OP got some cuntish replies to her post but cunts at least have a bit of depth and warmth to them.

Don't mind them OP, they're only looking to stick the boot in and feel superior. I wish you every strength with your struggles.

I agree that those who are judging you have clearly never been in a situation like this. I have, and it is desperate sometimes - I absolutely hear you. A few things that helped me:

• Reach out to as many support organisations as you can (Sendiass, Ipsea, NAS to name a few). Local support groups can also be really useful, as can online communities (the SEND pages here are v helpful and might be a better place to post about your situation as the majority there will have been through similar). The above are also good places for advice on things like getting an EHCP if your DS hasn’t already got one.

• Do you have all the benefits (DLA, carer’s allowance) you’re entitled to? We use DLA to pay for a particular hobby activity regularly and it makes a big difference

• An obvious one, but are you looking after yourself? Treats, nice food, time for a quiet bath etc when possible…

• Remember the age he’s at now is HARD! I found up to age 7 unbearable but 8/9+ seems easier somehow… obv there are good and bad days, but overall it feels less gruelling than it was.

Ignore those who are unhelpfully trying to kick you when you’re clearly already down and struggling - fuck knows why people feel the need to do that! You’re pregnant and that makes everything feel more extreme as well (at least it did for me!) so things will get easier, even if it’s harder in the short term with a new baby.

You’ve got this. And you’re not alone