To really strongly dislike my autistic child

OP there is a Facebook page called Better To Be Different - get on there to find support. You are clearly having an awful time and I feel for you - have you spoken to Mencap also? They might be able to support? Is your child at special school school? No judgement here as I am a SEN TA so have a realistic picture of how hard it can be.

I’m disappointed - I thought we were finally moving away from ‘oh isn’t being a mummy the greatest gift and I skip and smile all day long’ - mums and dads, and all carers need to be able to say when it’s just shit and hard and they’re finding it difficult- saves the next person with issues feeling rubbish as they’re not welcoming the endless, draining cycle of parenthood. It’s just about ok to say caring for parents is hard - we should get to the same place about kids too. There is always some joy but sometimes it’s fleeting or hard to find - there is always love too and it seems that’s forgotten- just because a child is hard work is not saying you don’t love them, want them best for them. You can’t completely lay down your own life either - you should be allowed to express feelings without being judged or assumptions made.
It is incredibly hard for you OP, be proud of your honesty, it’s probably helped another person, and hopefully those normal folk with good advice may have helped you a tad as well. I don think the school will help though it probably seems a distant dream in this moment. Look after you, or you can’t look after others - and you’re doing really well for your boy.

Trips out are not the issue. The lack of respite is. Please contact ss yourself and ask if they received the referral from your gp.

What is it about trips out that he likes?

Shitting hell, some people on here are just horrible! Why kick someone when they’re down? OP is clearly at rock bottom and struggling to cope. #bekind didn’t last long, did it?

OP, I don’t think you’re being unreasonable and I am autistic as is at least one of my dc.
It can be soul destroying that you try and try and just get screamed at.

Mombie2021 days out aren’t hell for every autistic child!! Mine love a day out and I personally struggle with staying home. Plus being at home can be really really difficult. You’re making a huge assumption, not all autistic people are the same.

OP, I adore my children but I have had days where being screamed at all day and not being able to do anything right really gets me down. I think you should talk to your GP about your own mood, and ask for a carers assessment from the council.

... and definitely get some respite because you are clearly burned out and that is no good for anyone. Do you have a local charity that runs play sessions or anything? What area are you in?

OP when you're this wrought up, you really, really need help. Can you get back to the doctor's? You can't give out if you're running on empty.

This is the worst thread I've read on Mumsnet in 7 years. Mombie2021's posts are appalling.

Mumsnet admin, those dreadful first posts should be removed.

He's an autistic child in a world build for neurotypical people - it's really tough for him. You need to focus on making his environment work for him. Make sure he can communicate his needs and regulate. Look to autistic lead groups for support eg forest schools or charities that are autistic lead. As his mum you need to understand him and his needs as best as you possibly can to fight his corner. If school isn't working, don't let people convince you it is. You need to protect him and ultimately if he's happy, you will be happy. I know it's hard but don't give up.

You are getting a really hard time by some posters here I'm sorry that you are having to read replies like that when you are reaching out for help. Yanbu to feel how you feel, of course you love your son but parenting a child with autism can be so challenging and I'm sure you are doing the absolute best by your little boy, but you matter too and you will be no good to him if you burn yourself out. What support system do you have? Do you have family ,friends that could help, maybe have your son for a few hours? so you can recharge your batteries. I'm sorry I don't have much advice but I really understand and empathize with your situation sending you unmumsnetty hugs x ps. Aibu can be brutal I think it might be worth asking for your thread to be removed to the special needs section I've found it to be so helpful and compassionate. Take care x

Hi Op, although there are some shocking posts here which will have really hurt, most are really supportive of you and your situation. I have no experience, but just like to echo what some others have said, 6 year olds are bloody hard work anyway, plus being pregnant will affect your outlook, that's something you can't control. I wish you all the best, it will get better

I hope you can get some support OP and get into a routine that works for you and your child. It's not easy.

I hope all you perfect parents feel good about yourselves castigating a mother who is clearly struggling. Every single one of you should be ashamed.

I'm so sorry you sound like you've hit emotional rock bottom! Is there any sort of autism society or special needs support groups you can research online and see if any are in your local area? I really suggest being brutally frank with your pediatrician and midwife and maybe they can refer you to respite programs. I have had many a days feeling like that with my severely disabled adult son. I've been fortunate in having excellent SN school support that started when he was a toddler. Perhaps a cleaner temporarily to help relieve that burden? Can you get out and walk for a bit of fresh air? Best of luck

Would have been better posting on the SEN board to avoid some of these responses. You matter too don't forget that. You are doing an amazing job under the toughest of circumstances and although you adore your son( but hate the impact autism has on your family), you are grieving for the life you thought you would have. That is normal and you need to look after yourself. Please don't take to heart the hostile posters comments. Your feelings are valid and you need support not vitriol.

days out are not going to make him happy. they are not making you happy. just stop.

it is ok to parent the child you have not the one you think you should have, or the one the school thinks you have.

try an hour out. or half an hour.
try somewhere where you can arrange a plan, with a backup plan. eg want to go on swings first, but if they are busy what is the alternative?

as for your second child. they may be autistic too but they can be completely different. (actually, watch out for that as you may miss autism if they present differently to your first child) my autistic children were almost comletely opposite in sensory needs and behaviours. I am somehwere in between the two of them

which senses are hyper, which hypo? is there anywhere that is say, quiet (hyper sensitive to noise, ) but where he can get lots of movement or feel lots of things. preferably free so you can pop in and pop out.

In my area the council have an ASD team.

Also, speak to your MW she can speak to social services, and also refer you for some support with local charities. Home start could also help www.home-start.org.uk/

It’s fucking tough but the key is getting to know and understand him and how his autism affects him. It might take a few years I’m afraid but that’s what will make the difference.

Understand his sensory needs and how he feels able to communicate, find days out which accommodate them.

Whilst it might have felt blunt, the first few posts had a fair point.

Some people on here should be ashamed of themselves, none of you know this child yet you feel qualified to judge based on your own experiences. All children are different regardless of and within any conditions they might have.
Anyway OP if you're struggling to get SS to provide respite try contacting Cerebra, they have a great team who can help if ss are fobbing you off.
You're human, it's not easy raising some sen children. PM me if I can help or if you need to offload, you're not alone xx

He probably doesn’t want trips out, he needs a stable routine led home life

My son was the same

My son used to even “fall asleep” at parties 🙄 because he found them over stimulating

I let go in his buggy til he was six and ditto shopping trolley - he needed that as he felt safe. His behaviour is much better when contained like that

Just a handhold, OP. You clearly care about your son and try very hard to be a good mum to him, so please don't let your feelings in moments like this, or insensitive comments, become a source of guilt and further stress for you.

It is also hard to be positive sometimes at the the end of a long day. I hope you get some good sleep, and hopefully tomorrow will be a bit better. I really hope more help for you two comes through soon.

My ds is now 15, he has ASD, adhd, GAD, spd. It’s been hard. Really hard. People and even close friends and relatives have no idea how hard it can be. I love my ds intensely. I advocate for him at every turn. I always will. OP I used to go into my DS bedroom when he was fast asleep, hold his hand and cuddle him. Tell him I loved him while he slept. I’d literally sit on the floor looking at him and say tomorrow’s another day. I learnt to not compound my days. Walk away when you need to. Go to another room. I also bought EarPods FOR ME! calming music helped me cope. Me and my husband had code words for when we were at breaking point - then exited and the other one would take over . Do you have a partner that can help? My advice is this. Parent the way that fits your child! Don’t think they will adapt to you - they won’t and you’ll battle all day long. If they want pizza and chips everyday, I’m afraid that’s the way to go. If they don’t like going out , don’t think that it will do them good, it probably won’t. You’ll spend the whole day regretting it. Gradually and I mean very gradually you can introduce something new. Always try to show love and compassion for your child. But don’t expect it back. You maybe surprised that one day they say thank you. With ASD in a family the lows are low and the highs are really high. Things other people take for granted will bring you the greatest joy! The best feeling of achievement! Please try to look after yourself too 💐 eat,sleep,rest,repeat. Get signed up to support groups. They are your life line for emotional support and parents that are there no what you are going through! Yes each child is unique, but there problems are not. Sometimes you just need a listening ear and a cry, so it’s important to get the right network around you. Sometimes I just would ring one of the parents from a group I’d joined and say ‘I’m not coping and it’s shit!’ They knew what I meant. You are doing this - and you can do this!

OP, I know it might be different for you over there (assuming you are in the UK), but does he like swimming? Is there a local pool you can take him? My DS is happiest when he in in the pool or the beach. Maybe that might be a place to take him?

Please also speak to your midwife about your own emotional wellbeing.

Hi OP, so sorry to hear you are having such a difficult time. Has the GP made the right sort of referral? In my area there is a Children's Disability Team, and that would be the appropriate team. If he is making a safeguarding referral, you won't reach thresholds for intervention. I would ring Children's Services yourself and make it clear you are not coping and problems could escalate due to arrival of newborn. Be dramatic and demand an assessment. Keep ringing. Get friends/family members to ring with concerns if you can. 💐