To really strongly dislike my autistic child

I wonder if an occupational therapist could help you with his sensory seeking side and suggest some things for his room that might keep his sensory side stimulated without having to go out into an environment he can't really cope with.

As the parent of an ASD child I just wanted to send you some support. It can be really, really tough. When I was at breaking point someone suggested hypnotherapy for me which wasn't an instant quick fix but once I felt better in myself I was then better able to provide my DS with with support that he needed. If someone at that point had been able to show me how things would be a few years later I would have been delighted. Not to say it's still not hard, it is, but we can deal with it better.

Please look after yourself as well as your DS, for the sake of your new baby too. I'm not saying hypnotherapy is the answer for you but there will be something that is. Also I have a second DS who doesn't have ASD. He is a fantastic support to his big brother and loves him dearly.

Things will get better. It won't always be like this. Reduce your anxiety and you will automatically reduce his too.

Feel free to PM me anytime.

Only sympathy here OP. I'm a little further down the line as my DS is 14. I read a really sweet short book that really helped me cope with his behavior. I tried to link & it wasn't a success, but it's called 'The Reason I Jump: one boy's voice from the silence of autism' by Naoki Higashida - it's on Amazon.

It's written by a non-verbal autistic person when he was around 12 I think. The part that really struck a chord was when he likened his experience to a space man walking around in a malfunctioning robot space suit - like a remote consciousness in a broken down robot. He literally felt like he didn't belong on this planet.

What may seem to us as rigidity, unreasonable behavior, & meltdowns comes from anxiety, fear and sensory overwhelm. He probably requests these trips with the same intention that you agree to them - this will make him happy & everything will be wonderful. Unfortunately he's not able to cope and it all goes wrong.

I'm with a lot of pp's- even if he's requesting these outings, it's up to you to decide whether they're suitable. I don't take my DS anywhere much. Walks in the woods, parks & playgrounds (less so now he's big & scary to small kids) He goes swimming and Horseriding. Lockdown was no huge change for us! We tried the beach this summer & had to leave after 40 minutes because the sand was too much for him to cope with. Next time we'll bring wellies! Definitely no shops or supermarkets, busy town centres or cinemas. Wild horses wouldn't get me on a plane or to (God forbid) some kind of Disneyland bullshit.

I wish you al the best & I hope you get more support xx My lad is at respite since Wednesday and I am completely torn because the peace is amazing but I also miss him. I realized that when he's at home I am constantly vigilant, always looking and listening to figure out where he is and what he's doing.

I'm also a patent to autistic children. It is really hard.
I would say, don't try so hard. Try not going somewhere for a day and see how it goes. Can you set them up with their special interest at home so you can chill a bit?
I just find, when you're at the point you are, it's trying to bring things down. Low arousal it's called. I don't know your child so have no idea if it works.
Also, my children really pick up on my emotions and mood quickly. My anxiety rubs off. So if you are unhappy, he may sense it. Try and do something YOU want to do today. See how it goes x

@Getyourownback I completely agree. It's becoming harder and harder to just ignore it.

Sounds like you are at breaking point OP last thing you need is a kicking from others I really hope that you get support in RL soon take good care of yourself 💐 xx

This site has become a festering cesspit of abuse, dressed up as ‘direct speaking’. It’s not. It is keyboard warrioring and presumably an attempt on the part of the pathetic perpetrators to make themselves feel better about their own subpar existences and shitty lives.

There’s an element of posters (the same names come up again and again) who absolutely rejoice in being complete vicious cunts to others, often masked with condescending faux concern or the aforementioned ‘plain speaking’, while considering themselves experts in the subject at hand.

MNHQ please do something.

Here for sympathy and support for the OP
It's not easy bearing your soul especially when it would be so easy to pile on, it took courage

I have an autistic child, I’ve spent 10 years in her shoes, thanks.

No you haven't @Mombie2021. You've spent 10 years in your shoes, not hers.

@Mombie2021 You don't know every autistic child and you certainly don't know the OP's child so criticizing her for taking her kid out on outings is outrageous. My kid had a stroke in NICU and has cerebral palsy, anxiety, some autistic traits but he adores social interaction and trips out of the house. He loves amusement parks and malls. He's an exception to the norm.

I dont think you need to stop nice outings but you might want to change what you do.
Outdoor play areas are less overwhelming than indoor ones, especially if you choose quieter times. Picnics in places he can run about a bit are less stressful than trying to eat in a restaurant. Going to a small farm, probably less stressful than a zoo.
Quieter beaches etc etc

Wow, I've only read the first few messages & you are getting an unreasonably hard time. Sometimes the only place you can be truly honest is on a forum like this & there is nothing wrong in what you're saying. Parenting is hard, parenting a child with ASD can be devastatingly hard.

My DS is also autistic & it is because I love him so deeply that the feelings I have around him are so strong - I am mortified & furious when he is aggressive to other children, whilst feeling simultaneously overwhelmingly protective of him. I also feel grief stricken at how hard he finds the world. It's all compounded by the fact that realistically I know he will never live an independent life, this is it for us. I need time alone in the quiet too. No one outside of this situation can truly understand how hard it is & all I hear from your post is desperation. Please ignore the sanctimonious people who have responded, I'm not sure what they think is to be gained from their judgement, unless it is to push you over the edge.

I've also been told not to bother trying to do nice days out with DS - so what do we do? Resign ourselves to a life lived indoors, in front of the TV?

My DH now takes DS out on a Sunday morning, and I so the same on a Saturday - it gives just enough respite to keep me sane. Can you do this?

Are you part of Portage? I've found them good for emotional support & advice - our DS really benefits from talking about transitions, so he is prepared for each step of the day. It's so hard getting support in place - a real battle at a time you are at your most exhausted.

It might also be worth speaking to your GP, to get some support in place for you - whether that be counselling or medication.

Thinking of you OP, it's bloody hard & those posting otherwise don't parent your child.

Sending you a huge hug.

I have kids with ASD too.

If I were you I would stop all the outings for a bit and focus on getting life at home calm and manageable for you with a tiny baby. Lots of activities that will keep him occupied and happy - for me it was trays of sensory stuff - that sand stuff, play dough, having all his favourite things in easy to grab IKEA trays that can be slotted into shelves.

Get the garden sorted and safe with some things to do and play with so he can get himself outside happily.

But most of all do not blame him. He is a tiny child and cannot help it. His whole world is about to be turned upside down with the arrival of a new sibling and you need to get him calm and happy and your bond with him strong and stable before this happens. Plenty of play at home, TV and hugging on the sofa.

What dailydisco said. And when I recommended the autism page, I meant theautismpage.com. I am too technologically inept to link it.

You can love the child but hate the behaviour (which im sure the Op does) my child has severe non verbal autism and learning disabilities, it can be a be hard work i remember during one particular school summer holiday, my arms were a mess from all the bites and scratches of frustration from him, and i was i tears at it all, and then he came over and sat on my knee and cuddled me, and moments like that make it all worth while imo.

Can you get this moved to the SEN parenting board, OP? I’m so sorry at some of these responses. So much “my autistic child / I am like that and therefore this is what your child will need”. For the record my DD will tell you she runs on cuddles - the firmer the better. She’s 12 and I still feel touched out sometimes.

There is a germ of a point in some posts about the outings. Is it possible that for example your DS wants to go to the zoo to see the animals, or the public transport museum to see the trains, and forgets about the people and the crush? That his idea and the reality are different?

You must be exhausted. So much going on already. Its fantastic that youve got him an EHCP and a SEN school placement. Thats no easy feat. I hope as well that makes a difference with his behaviours. If hes been on a reduced timetable, its not stimulating him enough or giving you respite and now an unplanned pregnancy. Im not surprised you need a break. I think that you resting and sitting in peace when hes not there is EXACTLY how you should be using your time right now.

You arent going to love every bit of parenting. Kids are annoying.