To really strongly dislike my autistic child

Sounds really bloody hard. You could look into ABA therapies.
But hard. Good that you can be honest with yourself about how it feels...

It sounds very hard. You need support and help.

What do his current school do? Is he at a special school?

You urgently need to contact Social Services and CAMHS. They won’t take your child away, but they will help you; they’ll put you in touch with support agencies and help if you ask for respite care.

Do you have any family to help you so you can get a break?

Let his school know you’re struggling and ask if they know of any orgs who offer support. Also contact the national autism charities - they may have helplines and regional support groups for parents of autistic children.

Some people are awful, so sorry OP. I don’t have practical advice but sending and Take care of yourself.

I haven’t read all of the messages apart from the cruel first ones. Parenting is hard enough without autism in the mix, let alone with it, plus you’re pregnant, no doubt tired and anxious about coping with two. My heart goes out to you. We all have days where we feel absolutely like we can’t cope - I honestly don’t know how people aren’t admitting that and are condemning you.

So YANBU, but help is needed, both from family, friends and official sources. Really hope you get the support you need.

All I can say is be thankful your child’s behaviour is down to his autism and not just down to him been a pain in the arse like many kids including mine! Don’t listen to the lovely keyboard warriors on here, YANBU autism is draining, especially if it’s all on you with not much support? Keep on at your GP, school nurse, school mentors, anyone that can get assistance in place.
Lots of my friends children are on the spectrum, all in mainstream schools and it’s very difficult!
Try and relax, have a glass of wine (large) and try and have an hour or two to get your head together, all mums have been there

I've been in your shoes 17 years .
My advice is go on parenting asd courses and learn how he ticks,why he does the things he does and try engage.
You need support but remember he's only a child and will sense your attitude whether you hide it or not 🤷‍♀️.

I’m sorry i haven’t read all the thread, I read your message and then the first page of replies.

I just wanted to say you’re not a bad mum for feeling this way. Every child with asd is different or goes through different periods. I’m sure there are a lot of people who have felt exactly the same way you do and are just too scared to admit it out loud.

I would try contacting social services, don’t get your hopes up too much as respite is hard to get but try fighting for help. Another fight you don’t have the energy for but having a respite worker or PA who can give you a break from time to time could really help.

One thing reading your post made me think, you take him on lots of nice outings which is fantastic for some kids. Have you ever tried staying in or staying in except for a short walk/ride/park trip just to see if his behaviour improves as he isn’t as over whelmed? It might work, it might not but it will give a clue as to what works better for him

Most Mumsnetters on this thread need to remember every person with Autism is different. I have 2 boys with Autism and they are chalk and cheese. 1 loves going out for adventures, whereas the other child prefers to stay at home.

Candy999, my final piece of advice is to find a local support group for parents with children with Autism and drink many cups of coffee together. I am sure they too are going through difficulties, and you may feel less alone.

Your ds sounds like me.

When I was a child I ‘wanted’ to go places, do things, I cried about it and my poor mother would take me only for me to scream, hide under the table or become aggressive.

Some children ‘mask’ they literally copy social norms because they know that’s what is expected. So if Jenny and Joe at school like the park, so do I. If Susan is excited about the school disco, me too!

I also have an autistic son who at that age was a fucking nightmare.

My advice as an autistic child would be to not give in to his demands to go places. What does he genuinely enjoy? What makes him calm? Could you set up a sensory tuff tray with playdoh or have some canvas and paints ready for when he gets home. Or even his favourite film and some snacks. Give him that chance to defuse, calm down and adjust. Understand that he might not know what he wants and is potentially trying to fit in.

As an autism mum, take deep breaths, plenty of breaks. It doesn’t matter if he’s in bed with the iPad while you watch Netflix with headphones in. It doesn’t matter if you shove mac and cheese in the microwave for him or if the hoovering isn’t done.

I rang social services when my son just turned 7 because I couldn’t cope, I had a complete breakdown. He’s 11 now and I’m so thankful that we got through it, it’s not easy but parenting in a way that supports him (look up pda parenting and 123 magic) has helped massively. I’m pregnant with my second and whatever happens we will get through it. I’m always happy to chat

@Candy999 Have jsut read all your posts. Well done for standing your ground in the face of all those telling .you're "doing it all wrong". I'd have just crawled .into a hole

Well said, @Getyourownback.

Was truly shocked at the responses on this thread last night. Jaw dropping.

My ds started overnight respite care age 10

Sorry I meant age ten years he dud 24 hpur residential respite at an NAS school it was great built up to week long .
Now in supported living.
But you do have to ask
They won't come and take him away unless he is at risk from harm
But ask for respite
You can get residential school and or respite through the channels without having to harm him
It isn't easy but it is possible. Those schools are full of pupils.

Keep calling the children with disabilities services team.
Get assessment and say what you want. Ask fir full time residential... you may tgen get in home respite to start. Ask for 10o%more than what you think you need dont be shy. Asking for full time residential may be the best for your dc.
Speak to local parent partnership. They can support you in applying and building your case.

A good residential setting may be beneficial to your dc
Visit some if you can .
Don't know where you are but ask NAS
Look at priors Court and others

I saw a woman at Harry Potter World with an obviously SEN/MH troubled son
She looked broken, truly broken

I think that a lot of people feel the same way as you OP just that you had the strength and courage to say how it is
Nobody thought their life would end up like this and nobody dreamt with the excitement of pregnancy that their life would change forever and being honest, for the worst.

Reach out OP and take everything you can get your hands on, be that financial support, emotional support or whatever

Have you had assessment with ss children with disabilities team?
HVe you looked into residential schools available I e is there an options nearby?
Can you ask ss for shared care /Foster care or emergency placement ?
Does the child s father agree?

My ds started overnight respite care age 20 bug it is possible before. Have you asked SS for this? They don't just come and offer...you have to ask.
For residential school identify potential schools then ask and put things in motion . Ask NAS,for a list?
24 hour curriculum may be very suitable fir your dc.

Secondly, refer yourself to SS. We did and it was the best thing we ever did. We now have a social worker and get respite for 2 hours every week. Not only do we get some breathing space but we get to spend time with our 13yo who is so often overlooked due to the sheer efforts involved.

Thirdly, I made the decision to have an abortion almost 2 years ago because I knew full well I couldn't cope if I had another child as challenging as my 7yo. My DH also got the snip. We both agreed it wouldn't be fair on us, our eldest, our 7yo or indeed a new addition. As devastating a decision it was, we just had to do it.

I admire you for plowing through with another pregnancy, something we were simply too afraid/weak/scared to do. Give yourself some credit. You're doing so well. From one autistim parent to another, you know that means something!

Finally, access camhs and continence clinic if required (self harm, sensory issues leading to potential harm, any smearing, incontinence etc). Does your DC speak?mine has very limited understanding and is non verbal but the best course we did was More Than Words through SALT. See if you can get onto that and you will find some fantastic tips in realising trigger points etc.

Good luck. You've got this!! I know it's hard really fucking hard, but you don't dislike your DC - you dislike what autism does to him sometimes. And that's OK. Xx

I'm not in your situation OP but I have close family and friends who are, I've seen how relentless it is. Just wanted to send some support and I really hope you are able to get some help that makes a difference for you all.

You have had some vile and sanctimonious comments on here but some very empathetic and supportive ones. Focus on these only. Parenting a child with additional needs is tough and stressful. I feel the same as you on many days but that does not mean I do not love my son and I will fight every step of the way to get his needs met. However, this was not the life I envisioned and I have to process that daily. You need support and not judgement. Try to access all support available and call on family and friends so you can practise some self care in order that you are in prime position to meet your sons needs. You are not alone.

Hugs, op. It can be hard but your DS is still your DS. When mine is kicking off, I try to remember that his behaviour is communication, and that he is a child and I am an adult. It helps me remember to be compassionate. We do the same things every weekend and it helps. He sets up our routines. It all helps him feel in control of a world that he experiences so differently to other people. Day trips our, when we do them, are planned and we manage him very closely to avoid over stimulation and meltdown etc. Its a different sort of lifestyle but he is the funniest, cleverest guy when it's on his terms. What are your DS' special interests? What dies he enjoy? What sensory release does he need? Kinetic sand and the trampoline go down well here!

Grab all the help you can from wherever you can get it. Hopefully medication will help.
I think you're so brave to acknowledge your feelings towards him, regardless of how negatively you feel towards him.

Hi OP, it is really tough. We have an 8 year old with ADHD, ASD/PDA. We were at rock bottom in lockdown and particularly from ages 5-7. She was regularly violent to us and couldn't go to sleep.

Things that helped:

Accepting our lives will be different to others;
Avoiding or discounting advice from well meaning relatives and friends who haven't been there;
Visiting the same places a lot, doing the same activities;
Avoiding activities that come in a course or where you lose money if you can't go -- so English Heritage yes, extra curricular clubs, no;
Finding a school that was genuinely inclusive (that was more luck than anything -- we picked it 4 years before she was diagnosed, and because it had wraparound...which she mostly hated!)
Reading as much as possible - The Explosive Child is good;
Finding other similar parents through a Facebook page for PDA;
Private diagnosis from a paediatrician and SALT;
Play therapy (tried psychologist but was disaster as she masks);
Sport coach type role models - she relates really well to 20 something men one to one -- we hired my friend's grown up son as after school babysitter and my own personal trainer did PE for her...well she trained him mostly ;
Lots and lots of physical exercise;
Melatonin for sleep problems;
Not sweating it on restricted eating;
Encouraging play with younger DC (similar maturity);
Lockable spaces in house to put tech etc or us when she had it in for one of us;
NVR training for us -- this was the most useful thing and she is hardly violent at all now.

I am sorry to say that this has cost thousands and the school is private. State help is woeful in the UK (although to be fair, when we were referred to SS at one point, they were kind, prompt and helpful).
She doesn't have an ECHP because we have chosen essentially to pay for help as needed instead.

Maybe we'll get one though as worrying about secondary now.

I hope there is an idea or two in there for you.

I too had times I felt as you do with my DS, now an adult. This charity helped me www.actionforaspergers.org/ I recommend contacting them, they are there for anyone affected by autism, the person themselves, families and partners. Consultations can be done virtually as well as face to face.