To really strongly dislike my autistic child

MNHQ

HopeMumsnet · 01/05/2025 06:49

Hi all,
This is quite an old thread, really, so we are hopeful that the OP does not feel the same way now. We'll close this thread to new posts.

StiffyByng · 01/05/2025 06:06

Your filter doesn’t seem too effective though? It doesn’t seem a particularly helpful or kind question to ask someone in this situation to me.

The thread is four years old so I imagine the OP is in a different place now. I very much hope things have improved for her.

Jumpingthruhoops · 01/05/2025 03:13

Babyroobs · 24/09/2021 20:53

Wow some of the replies on here are absolutely shocking. People need to show some empathy for someone who is clearly struggling.
If you don't have anything supportive to say except " you have options " or "for the love of god get a coil" you really need to just not respond. pretty disgusting.

I must admit, my first thought when I read the OP was: 'If parenting your first born has been so crap, why on earth did you opt to do it a second time?' Clearly, others think the same as me... but they have have absolutely NO filter. It's still a fair question, though.

Nopedontsweatit · 01/05/2025 03:02

YANBU.
Do you have a Community Services Board in your city? If so, you might call them and ask if they can help you navigate the steps involved in obtaining assistance for your DS, such as specific therapies that target his particular needs. For ex, Animal Therapy, where horses are often used to help calm a highly anxious child. CSB might be able to provide you with phone numbers to places that provide assistance. If not, perhaps try Social Services. The one we have here in Newport News, VA, provides help with all sorts of needs. Perhaps yours does, too. Here is a link you might want to check out to see some possible options you might have:

https://raisingchildren.net.au/autism/therapies-services/therapies-interventions/types-of-interventions-for-asd

JMSA · 01/05/2025 02:17

There’s some proper dicks on this thread.
I’m really sorry, OP. It all sounds so very hard. I do agree with simplifying life though, in the hope that it makes things easier.

WomenInSTEM · 30/04/2025 22:05

This thread was started in 2021 so I expect things have moved on for the OP.

Sharptonguedwoman · 30/04/2025 22:00

Candy999 · 24/09/2021 20:42

I am so drained. My DS autistic 6 year old drains every bit of life out of me. No matter what I do for him it is never enough. I can no longer cope with the daily shrieking, screaming, constant outbursts etc. I take him on so many trips out and nice experiences and it’s never enough for him and when we do go it’s just kick off after kick off all the time because everything needs to be his way. When he’s around me all I want to do is lay down and block out the noise and when he’s not here and I have time to do things like household chores etc I just have no motivation to do it as I just want to sit and enjoy the peace.

Currently pregnant with second child and I have no idea how I’m going to cope. My biggest fear is I’m going to go through all of this again with another child. I try so hard to show him love and affection and get nothing back. Yes he’ll ask for cuddles etc but it’s very brief and only because he wants something.

If SS came up to me tomorrow and said someone else would parent him I would happily agree to it. I’m at breaking point.
I contacted my gp a few weeks ago to enquire about some kind of medication for him and we have been referred to the paediatrician but not heard anything back. I just can’t bear it anymore. I love my child more than anything but to be frank theirs times I can’t stand the sight of him.
I want to try and get him into a residential school as feel it would be best all round but I have no idea how to go about this.
I know it’s not his fault but I just feel like why did I have to be the person to be dealt such a crappy life!

Is respite care a thing? Have no idea so don't shout at me.

sunshine244 · 30/04/2025 21:43

At age 6 your child will have a very poor understanding of their own coping abilities. Just because they want to go places all the time doesn't mean they are able to cope with so much stimulation.

As other have said the disability ss team can be really helpful, but in my area it's a 2 year wait currently.

Carers centres are often good sources of support. Also have a look for ASD clubs and activities. One of the best things about these is meeting parents in similar situations.

Mandylovescandy · 30/04/2025 21:43

My ASD one can be fairly unlikeable at times and it is easy to get into a negative spiral of seeing the worst in him and getting into a battle. My DP feels like you do quite a lot. What support do you have? We didn't get much post diagnosis though there were some support groups locally and I have done a lot of reading books for advice which has been helpful. The OT we saw through CAMHS was also great.

Lookingtomakechanges · 30/04/2025 21:39

How upsetting for you both.
mMaybe ditch the days out and establish a quiet regular time at home.

Mischance · 30/04/2025 21:36

Do you think that all the lovely outings you take him on might be too much for him and that he might be better with a more settled routine at home? I am no expert, but it is just a thought.

This must be so very hard for you and your feelings are entirely understandable. Sending a handhold.

Nomma · 30/04/2025 20:42

Probably one of the nastiest posts I’ve seen on MN.

There are frequent complaints on MN about lack of empathy and understanding of ND children and their needs. Here, parents who know full well what’s that’s like are laying in to OP, who is clearly struggling and pregnant.

Shame on those posters. No advice OP other than take care of yourself, If you don’t, there’s no one to advocate and look after DC, whatever that looks like.

Sleepdeprivedmamma · 30/04/2025 19:43

@Candy999 hi! Just came across your post as im googling things struggling with my own 6yo w asd. How are you and your son doing now? X

Bonheurdupasse · 27/09/2021 15:31

@Itsnotover

This was a hard to read post but OP, I think you are just at the end of your tether.

I feel that I'm in a position to offer advice since I have 2 autistic children and I'm autistic myself. One of my girls has very high care needs. And she went into residential at 14. In retrospect it would have been better for her if we did it earlier.

If your son is in a mainstream school then it may be that they aren't meeting his needs well enough and this will cause problem behaviour at home.

What is his communication like? Do you have visual schedules for him? I have found that this can reduce anxiety.

OP Please read this - from an autistic person, and mother in similar situation

Anon778833 · 27/09/2021 14:38

Having a go at each other isn't going to help the OP or her son.

HailAdrian · 27/09/2021 14:31

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Anon778833 · 27/09/2021 13:56

@Candy999 I’ve just read some of your other posts about tribunal etc.

What did you win in the tribunal order?

If you have a social worker from the children’s disability team then they should be able to help you press for a residential placement. Sometimes a residential placement is the best thing.

Can you afford a solicitor? If so that would be the way to go IMO. I would recommend Chris Barnett from Match solicitors. Do you have good independent reports from a EP?

Anon778833 · 27/09/2021 13:44

This was a hard to read post but OP, I think you are just at the end of your tether.

I feel that I'm in a position to offer advice since I have 2 autistic children and I'm autistic myself. One of my girls has very high care needs. And she went into residential at 14. In retrospect it would have been better for her if we did it earlier.

If your son is in a mainstream school then it may be that they aren't meeting his needs well enough and this will cause problem behaviour at home.

What is his communication like? Do you have visual schedules for him? I have found that this can reduce anxiety.

lnsufficientFuns · 27/09/2021 13:39

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TheUnbearable · 26/09/2021 10:39

I know someone whose DS remains at home, he only ever went to school. Now he has finished his education he is at home almost 24/7, 7 days a week. It’s what makes his life manageable.

One of my colleagues had autism, his coping mechanisms at work were explained to us, he used to fiddle with a small toy all the time. He also had to leave meetings occasionally as he couldn’t cope. He was one of the brightest people I have ever met.

The difference between the way these two adult men’s lives have panned out is vast. I’m sure their families did what they could.

We never know what outcomes our dc will have, please don’t feel bad about struggling to cope.

Teapiggies · 26/09/2021 09:59

All I can say is be thankful your child’s behaviour is down to his autism and not just down to him been a pain in the arse like many kids including mine!

Really, @Cherryberrybonbon ????????

x2boys · 26/09/2021 09:49

@Cherryberrybonbon

All I can say is be thankful your child’s behaviour is down to his autism and not just down to him been a pain in the arse like many kids including mine! Don’t listen to the lovely keyboard warriors on here, YANBU autism is draining, especially if it’s all on you with not much support? Keep on at your GP, school nurse, school mentors, anyone that can get assistance in place. Lots of my friends children are on the spectrum, all in mainstream schools and it’s very difficult! Try and relax, have a glass of wine (large) and try and have an hour or two to get your head together, all mums have been there

Do you have a child with autism? Whilst im sure your trying to be supportive, having a child with autism and or other disabilities, is a whole different ballgame and all mums havent been there

Billandben444 · 26/09/2021 07:14

@Cherryberrybonbon
All I can say is be thankful your child’s behaviour is down to his autism and not just down to him been a pain in the arse like many kids including mine!
I might be misunderstanding you (apologies if I am), but I don't think this is a supportive comment.

ChipPotts · 25/09/2021 22:34

OP if you are near the West Midlands I would happily support you so you could have some respite. My adult DD who has a learning disability + ASD + GAD is 24 now but there have times in the past when I have been completely suicidal. At least in my day there wasn't a 2 year+ wait for support from CAMHS. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help.

Embracelife · 25/09/2021 20:41

Be clear and think what you need and want
Is it someone taking him out? For how long? Where to?
Someone watching him at home so you can go to an appt?
Taking him to school or an activity?
Taking him to stay elsewhere?
Do you want a Foster carer to take him for the weekend? (Shared care schemes)