Male midwives - aibu

I totally agree that it can feel quite intimidating when a male midwife suddenly shows up and I think it’s very normal to be uncomfortable. I think it would be much less of an issue if you’d met before and had some trust and rapport.

When I gave birth 15+ years ago there were no male midwifes in the hospital I went too, I’m not sure I would have been bothered, a man did my epidural, a male doctor assisted at times and a male plastic surgeon repaired me. At one point there were several male students in the room. So the sex of the midwife was kind of irrelevant?

I think its fine to request, but unless you are about to have a baby in the next 5 mins (and even sometimes if you are!) you are lucky to be able to get hold of a midwife in an NHS hospital, so worrying about male/female is a bit of a waste of effort.

Also, as has been said many times, nearly all the doctors and anaesthetists are men, so if there is any sort of complication you are going to have a team of men rush in. I would focus more on why she feels uncomfortable receiving medical intervention from men and seeing if there is anything she can do to become more confident with that before giving birth.

I had a male midwife for part of my labour and he was great. However, it is entirely understandable that a woman might not want a male midwife and that is her right. It doesn't make her a bigot or sexist or anything like that at all.

I don’t think your niece is being unreasonable at all (let alone bigoted) in expressing a preference and establishing her own personal boundaries.

For me an obstetric consultant is quite different as you are already in an emergency-type situation with a lot more medical monitoring.

The whole point of vaginal birth is that it is a totally natural function with, ideally, limited intervention. You need to feel comfortable. Ideally lights should be low, you should feel able to move around or make noises, you should feel supported and safe. For me this was not in keeping with suddenly having an unknown man put his hand in my vagina to check progress and I don't think it's remotely unreasonable to feel that way.

If we had continuity of care and could get to know the same midwife during pregnancy that would be with you during childbirth, it might be different.

It's absolutely fine to put it down as a preference. I'm a hcp (not midwife) and I don't mind if a women wants to wait and see me instead of a male colleague, and my colleagues don't mind either. They completely understand and don't take it at all personally.

No point worrying about what ifs at this point, if there is an emergency or lack of staff on the day I'm sure she will reassess.

I think she is well within her rights but she does need to consider what happens if she needs intervention. I only had female midwives and assistants on post natal but during my first pregnancy, the anaethnetist was male as was the doctor who needed to perform an episiotomy, use instruments and then stitch me up. He was as hands on down there as the midwives (if not more so). I suspect they could not have accommodated a request for female only staff that evening.

Your niece needs to tell her friend she is being judgmental and a bitch to say that to her. Personally I have no problem with male medical staff, I hired a private male obstetrician for my first pregnancy, that was my choice. Everyone has the right to choose when it comes to their own bodies. Your niece has done nothing wrong. Having a baby is very personal and stressful, part of a midwives role is to make their patient feel at ease, if having a female midwife makes your niece feel more comfortable then that’s her right to choose.

How does she feel about male doctors? Most midwives are female, but a reasonable proportion of obstetricians are male. There may not be a female obstetrician available if there is an emergency.

I don't see how it's bigoted to request female care practitioners in a medical context. I don't think I'd have liked a male midwife, not that I thought much of the female ones I had to deal with

I choose female professionals in every area of my life where possible. Particularly when my reproductive organs are involved.

I had a male midwife come to my home birth and it was such a terrible shock! He was a lovely man and if I'd met him before I think I might have felt differently, but I just didn't feel comfortable meeting a strange man for the first time in that situation.

Thankfully he totally understood and suggested the other midwife (they come out in pairs for home births) could take over as the lead midwife and he took a back seat as it were as the second midwife is really only there in case there are problems.

For me giving birth was a time when I felt a lot more comfortable in the company of women. I didn't want to think about or consider the 'male gaze' in any way. I was a lot more comfortable labouring either by myself or with only women in the room (including no partner - I am a single parent).

I think it's fine to prefer a female midwife.
Personally I wouldn't care, I've had quite a few male sonographers, male fetal medicine drs, and there was a lot of male staff who helped deliver my baby via csection. Like with female midwives, most are there to do a job and be helpful and compassionate.

She has every right to choose the sex of her midwife. I wouldn't have had a male midwife. I had a male anaesthetist who was very nice but that was just my hand!

I requested a female optometrist for DDs most recent eye test because I didn't like the male one she had previously and was so glad I did because she was so much better.

Didn't have a male midwife, but did have a male doctor who had to check my stitches after delivery, guess what... ITS NO DIFFERENT THAN A FEMALE DOCTOR!

And that check probably took 90 seconds? And you presumably had a chaperone in the room or were offered one?

Yeah, that’s absolutely the same as supporting a woman through 12+ hours of active labour.

All those insisting she is unreasonable are saying that she should not have personal boundaries, that she must expose herself to males. Her consent does not matter/it is unreasonable for her not to be touched by a man.

Sounds a bit abusive to me.

It’s not bigoted at all IMO. Midwives are a lot more hands on than doctors or consultants.

However, it’s not something that would bother me specifically. Interestingly I’ve come across two male doctors who seemed anxious about doing an internal exam on me even though I wasn’t bothered. One of them scurried off and a female doctor came back in 🤷🏻‍♀️

I don’t think anyone will think anything of her request and if it makes her feel more confident then do it. After your first I think most us decide we won’t actually care when in the throws of labour! Most midwives are female and there’s plenty of work to go round so I can’t imagine there is I’ll be an availability problem. It’s such a shame that most women don’t get to give birth with a midwife they know and trust, it may be less of an issue then.
Got to say one of the best midwives I had was male

There's no need for her to discuss her birth plan with her friends though. Only she and her birth partner (plus HCPs) need know what's on there.

Does she actually hold the view that men should not train and practice as midwives? If not, I'm not sure why she, her friends, or anyone on this thread would be choosing to discuss that topic.

It's completely different and beside the point of someone expressing their own personal preference.

I had a wonderful female midwife the first time. It was very hands on and hands up at one point because DS was showing signs of distress. However, it was all gentle and calm, fully informed and I hardly noticed the examinations.

I would wish this as a first line choice for every mother.

All three of my pregnancies were consultant led because of complications. All three of my babies were delivered by a male consultant. There were no female consultants, only male.

I’ve never heard of anyone objecting to male consultants, just male midwifes. I’m curious as to why?