Male midwives - aibu

Isn't it more important to teach females that male medical staff is there to help us?

Of course! Of course it's down to women, who have often been subjected to years of low level sexual harassment (at best) by men to be 'taught' that just because they have a medical degree they're suddenly completely safe and we should have no reservations at all.

🤦🏼‍♀️

There are more female doctors so don’t think it’s the case that a doctor is more likely to be male. Stating a preference for routine care is not the same as an emergency situation, I think the vast majority of people appreciate that.

I didn't think about in advance but ended up with a trainee male GP delivering my baby and in the hazy memory I have, it turned out I wasn't bothered. (He was supervised by other hazy figures, mostly female midwives I believe 😊)

if you prefer = ask!

I had both, could not have cared less at those times. I also had a very personal examination before one birth by 2 doctors (male), again did not care!

personal choice but in the throws of labour you just want to be pain free but anyone!

The friend is being a sexist by not saying that. So it means a woman has no right to choose who comes near her when she is the most vulnerable? Your niece has every right to write it down as it is the time she should be most comfortable. But speaking from experience, when the time comes she might not have any other option.

I will tell you of my experience. I was induced and had a female doctor initially, but then her shift was over and a male took over. We had time when my baby's heart beat was dropping so I was taken in for emergency assisted delivery. It was a mixture of male and female and all I cared for was my baby and that she was safe. The male anesthetist was lovely and showed me pictures of his children in an attempt to keep me awake during the process. They all did their best to keep me at ease and comfortable and in the end left me with female nurses so that they could help me.

So tell her, when the time comes, all that matters would be that her baby is in safe hands and she would not mind a single bit if it is a female or a male doctor helping her.

@RoyalCorgi Your post brought me to tears. I briefly encountered that midwife (as a colleague) years ago when he was working at a different hospital. I told my husband at the time that something seemed off about him - I wish I had pursued it, but I had nothing but a gut feeling to go on. Heartbreaking for the women and children affected by his depravity.

Definitely okay to express a preference, although I've only ever been cared for by one male midwife. He was a student and it was after baby arrived, but I didn't mind, didn't even register that he was male if that makes sense, as long as they help deliver baby safely/care for us afterwards, I'm happy.
Anyway, it's always okay to ask for a female HCP, especially if it's what makes her feel most comfortable at such an important time.

I feel sorry for male medical staff. Yes, the OP's niece has every right but I think we need to ask ourselves why we feel this way.

Isn't it more important to teach females that male medical staff is there to help us? I had bad experiences with female GPs, do I shunt down all of them?

My mum had male nurses at a hospital stay, they were great and fun and caring.

I had male and female gynaecologiest all my life, in Germany you go for the pill and smear. test to them, not a GP or nurse. I never felt they are all predetors and only do the job to look at female bodies.

I teach my teen DD that the professional way a person is conduction him-/herself is the important bit, not what they have or not have in their underwear.

But they aren't being given a choice because there isn't one.

So in those scenarios wouldn’t they just refuse treatment? Like a PP has said they would.

If it were so traumatic for someone to have a male in the room, those feelings don’t suddenly disappear when the job role changes from midwife to consultant.

FWIW the most compassionate member of staff I experienced when I gave birth was the anaesthetist. He was outstanding, rushed to get me out of pain, change the medication to speed up pain relief and held my hand when my DP wasn’t allowed into theatre.

The whole event is intimate, and the reason you’re there in hospital is to be cared for with the best possible chance of everyone making it home. If someone doesn’t want any male around due to some past trauma it is understandable, if someone only wants the ‘lower ranking’ staff to be female and the ‘higher ranking’ ones are ok to be male then.. yes it does suggest a little gender bias.

I have birth related CPTSD and am extremely specific about the scenarios I would tolerate a male healthcare provider. Birth is not one of them, whether that's a midwife, a consultant or similar. I would consider a male anaesthesiologist if I needed an epidural again, but it would be a last resort.

Realistically she is unlikely to be in a position where her wish for a female midwife is not able to be honoured, and she has every right to make it known.

I had a male MW for my booking appt at the GP in the UK. He was lovely - I was curious and asked if he minded me asking him why midwifery? He said he used to be a psych nurse but that got too much to bear, so changed to this, for more happy times in his career. Made sense to me.

Would I have had him at the birth? Yes, because he was a caring man. But if he'd been sprung on me while I was in labour I might have thought twice about it! The hospital I had DS1 in was also the one I used to work in, so I knew they had male MWs there too - not many, just a couple - but they always seemed very professional and kind. More so than some of the female MWs in some cases (we had a couple of harsh ones - I met one whilei trying to establish bf'ing with DS1 - stayed well clear of her after that!)

I had a male obstetrician for DS2. Started with a female but she patronised me more than he did, and refused to listen to some of my concerns - so I switched (this is in Australia so things are a bit different here and I needed continuity of care). Male obstetrician was in charge of the heavily managed delivery - did I care that he was male? No. I knew him too by then. If a male MW had been sprung on me at that point, would I have cared? Doubt it because it was All Going On and I don't actually even know who was in the room because there were quite a few students at that point, as well as DH ad the obstetrician.

Your niece is definitely allowed to request only female staff to attend her - but when it comes to it, she may have to accept that a male will be involved, especially if she needs an epidural (potentially male anaesthetist) or further intervention (potentially male obstetrician). She should ask who the likely options are at her maternity unit, or wherever she plans to give birth.

I always find it interesting that people have a preference for a female midwife but don't seem to mind if they get a male surgeon for a cesarean. They both get to see everything! I had an amazing male anaesthetist during my labour who did far more to put me at ease than any of the female midwives.

I had a male midwife, he was incredible.
Although my first pregnancy had an excellent team he really made my second pregnancy better. I would say it’s unreasonable to discount a male midwife unless you really did have strong views about it.

I had a male midwife 20 years ago when it was probably even more rare and after initial surprise did not think about it, I was just happy to have a professional midwife helping me.
I do personally think it’s quite sexist tbh unless you would also reject a male doctor or consultant as well.
But ultimately it is up to her and if she feels uncomfortable then she should request a female midwife as she needs to be as relaxed as possible.

Your DN is NBU as this is her choice. For me I just wanted a competent midwife and wouldn't have objected to a male midwife.

I had a male midwife after delivery and he was so kind to me. Gentle with the baby and very respectful. I’d happily have had him deliver the baby than some of the stern female midwives I’d experienced.

Beforehand I’d have been exactly like your niece as well.

I also think it's highly misogynistic to expect women at their most vulnerable and exposed (not to mention what can be a very risky time) to bow down at the pillar of equal opportunities.

Men don't have to ask fir male physicians if they are having intimate stuff done - because you can bet your bottom dollar they were getting a male to start with.

It’s not an unreasonable request. I used to feel the same way but a few emergencies during pregnancy knocked it out of me as a saw a male obgyn (I’m from the Uk but live in Italy). It’s not at all an unusual thing to request though if a male makes her uncomfortable.

In relation to the comments about male doctors being ok - most women don't get to choose a female obstetrician because most hospitals don't have a choice to offer. My SIL is a midwife, they are all female yet the consultants are all male I believe. I imagine most women, if asked if they would prefer a female obstetrician would say yes. But they aren't being given a choice because there isn't one.

I don't see how it is any different to choosing to go to a male or female GP.
I couldn't go to a male dentist. No chance whatsoever. I am currently getting over a long-term dental phobia - there is no way in hell I could have done this if the dentist I am now going to had been male. It's just the way it is and it's because of experiences in the past.

I think it's reasonable to want a female midwife.
This does not mean that I, or your niece, think that male midwives couldn't do a good job.
I wouldn't be bothered by a male midwife myself or a male doctor, but the male dentist is a no-go!

Just to be super clear on this point.

A man can be just as good a doctor or midwife as a woman. That ISNT the issue.

The issue is, as a woman, I don't want an intimate physical procedure conducted on me by a man.