to feel bad for my kids that we have no family

We kind of grew up like this. My mum was an only child and my dad's brother and his family (my cousins) lived abroad. I've never met my cousins. My dad and uncle aren't close. My parents moved away from where they grew up when we were kids so we only saw grandparents once a year etc. I never felt like I was missing out TBH.

I was one of four siblings though. So is my DH. We have stayed local to our families. So now my kids do have that, they're close to (some of) their cousins etc. But even I find a lot of my family exhausting TBH and I am reducing how much time I spend with them since covid.

I understand OP. I was brought up by my DM - my father left home when I was 2, and I’ve never had any contact with his family. I believe he, his mother and 2 brothers are alive but I’ve not seen them since I was a toddler.

My DM is an only child, so I have no cousins, aunts or uncles. Her parents died before I was born, so no grandparents either. And I’m also an only child, so no siblings.

I now I have a lovely DH, and 2 DC (7 and 4). DH is one of four siblings, but they’re a very distant family and never talk. FIL is dead, we haven’t MIL seen for three years even though she only lives an hour away. She is not interested in spending any time with us - we have next to no contact (I got sick of her lack of interest and excuses, so stopped inviting her to things). My own DM is a doting and dedicated grandmother who loves our DC and we see her regularly (despite her living 2 hours away).

Thankfully, we are a very happy and self-contained little unit. We do everything together and the house always feels nicely full. On the plus side, my DC have a huge amount more family than I did but I do feel a bit sad that they don’t have cousins/aunts and uncles in their lives like their friends do, and they only have one grandparent that they see.

We have a very small family. DS has 3 grandparents and DH has a sister so one Auntie. No cousins and we only see DH sister once a year or so.
We have lots of friends and they have children, I guess we’ve made our own family.

I get it op. I feel like my social media has been full of other peoples extended family gatherings and holidays all summer. My DH is an only child and I have a sibling who we only see 2 or 3 times a year due to distance. It does bother me sometimes.

We’re the same. I think it’s a lot more common than people think. In our situation Dh is no contact with his whole family and my only relative died in 2019. Being honest the only thing that bothers me is that we don’t have anyone to have the children in an emergency- and I have disabilities. It’s difficult from that point of view but there are lots of positives too! No worrying about trying to please everyone at Christmas / no trying to visit loads of people all the time / spending whatever we like just on ourselves and not having to budget for presents and stuff for extended family etc. You only have to skim the threads on here to see how much stress people have with their families!

You can't magic up a family where they don't exist, or hang out with a toxic family just because you want your social media to look like other people's.

We don't go to big family gatherings. I don't have any siblings, my partner has who lives a long way away. They don't have kids, so my son won't have any cousins. We are close to our parents, but that's it. We have lots of friends, perhaps cultivating friendships would fill the gap you're wanting?

OP if you feel like your family are toxic and everything then you don't need them. It may seem like everyone else has something you haven't got but all your children ever need is you! You can make your house loud with fun, brightness, board games, card games, jokes, family movies, stories, chats, music. That beats a meet up where you're afraid your children will listen to racist or homophobic crap!!!

I'm sorry, how difficult. I'm not normally one for moving away from situations as such. But in your case, as you've suggested it, you could have a point about living in a place people move to.

I have a number of friends who live in cities, who make up family-type groups. They have less connection with their families for all sorts of reasons: distance, time constraints, small/no families, fall outs, they grew up in care, loss of family member etc

Families come in all shapes and sizes. Have you considered looking at some of the books about families that are aimed at children? Depending how old they are, a quick peek on Amazon showed a wide variety.

Your small family is not so unusual, but I understand the sadness.

Best wishes. I hope some of the suggestions on this thread help you

I didn't grow up with an extended family but I grew up with close friends whom I regard as family/cousins. Our parents were all immigrants here and met through work/cultural clubs etc. They got married and stayed in touch mainly to keep the cultural/food connections alive. Back then society wasn't accepting of immigrants so people stuck together for safety & support.

It's sad that your blood family isn't available but teach your kids to create bonds with others & each other. People here can be quite insular about family and sometimes adopting the immigrants model might help widen horizons. I'm close to my 3rd cousin but not my 1st as I have more in common with her. Think about what you have in common with people and build on that slowly.

We live abroad so no family here. Back ‘home’ we have very little family left between us.
Ds is an only child so he has no siblings either. It’s just the three of us. But you know, I don’t mind really at all.

We do have some lovely friends here who join us for various events as well. Many of these also don’t have family nearby, so maybe that’s what you need? Friends that also have little family so you basically become A kind of close ‘family’ between you.

Same here and it does upset me sometimes. The family we do have are so far away we don't see them much.

I have my dad and sister in Scotland(we are in Wales) we see them once a year, my dad sometimes twice. we have done a couple of Haven holidays in the past with them and my brother who we see twice a year(4 hours away). I really hope we can do something together with them next year cause last time we all met together was 2-3 years ago. My mum's got serious mental health issues and in a home with terminal cancer(not local either). Hubbies parents have both passed away, we used to see his mum a lot as she was local but she's been gone 3 years.

It def makes it harder in many way but as long as our kids have us they will be ok, that's what I tell myself.

I grew up in foster care and my grandparents who raised me for most of my life before then are both deceased, so I understand what it’s like to not have close family ties.

Teach your kids that family isn’t always about blood. Sometimes family is the people you choose as family. If you don’t have any friends you’d count as family, then work on that. Not just for your kids, but for you too.

If you do have any family at all (assuming there is no negative pat history involved, I don’t know your full situation), consider reaching out more. It can be awkward at first when the family dynamics are unfamiliar, but it’s worth a shot. You may have to keep reaching out and continue trying.

Does your partner (assuming you have one— I read family of 4 but didn’t see a specific reference to a partner so I wasn’t sure if it was 2 partners and 2 kids or you and 3 kids, sorry!) have any family either? That’s always a possible source.

Beyond that, get involved in groups, activities, kid’s school/extracurricular activities. Get out there and start meeting some people! You might not have been given the family you want, but you can choose to make a family of your own design.

And if you can’t? That’s okay too. Remember that social media is very deceptive. Of course you see all the parties, events, get togethers with big happy families. Nobody gets on social media and blasts “I’m so lonely, my family sucks, we have nobody,” do they? You just see all the good parts. So don’t beat yourself up about it and your kids will most certainly turn out fine. Nowhere in my psych undergrad courses did we cover where kids turn out maladjusted because they didn’t have a big extended family. 🙃 Your kids are fine, so just put yourself out there to see who you meet and don’t put pressure on yourself if it doesn’t work out.

Same here OP 😓 I often feel sad tok. I grew up in big family community with lots of cousins but sadly not same for my DC.

We have one GP who is still alive, my DM who lives in a different country and is fairly toxic. My DB lives in another different country with family, we see him twice a year (less now due to covid). My DH’s sibling lives a long haul flight away, they are not interested in having a close relationship. All our cousins are miles and miles away or/and different countries 😓 No family members that live close to us.

I hear ya, op.

I live abroad so all my family are back in the UK. We see DH's family but not that often, maybe 3/4 times per year? We occasionally have big celebrations, Xmas, Easter etc but the cousins are older than our kids, which isn't ideal.

I've found that I have had to really encourage and develop new friendships. It's true what you say about moving away from places where everyone grew up.

I completely identify OP. When I was a young child, extended family meant the world to me. All my happiest memories were formed during large family gatherings. I hoped for similar for my own children. But my mother and mil enjoy their freedom too much to get bogged down with seeing family, they've made it perfectly clear we are an inconvenience so DH and I have stopped bothering. They've missed sports days, important assemblies, nativities. I tell myself it's their loss, but can't help but feel bitter that my children are being denied the type of family involvement that they see a lot of their friends getting. I'll be watching this thread for tips, I've been considering church too but I'm agnostic.

I have a big family but some of my best childhood and teenage memories were hanging out with my sports “family” at the weekends. Team sports or tennis or anything with a club and members is a great way to get a sense of belonging and support that you might not get from a family.

I agree with @LowlyTheWorm

Oh, and you would be very welcome at most Churches for the Community even if you haven't made minds up about belief or faith.

But you can get that same sense of Community at Scout Groups, at sports clubs (Rugby more so than most sports) or sometimes through groups you attend with pre-schoolers, like playgroups.

I'd say your best mate is very unusual. People generally do not have 20 people over every weekend.

My extended family are all alive and health but far away. Mil and fil have always insisted they are too young and vibrant and living their best lives so have no time at all for our kids. There is nothing you can do.

I just make mental note not to be like that when my kids are adults. My eldest is turning 18. Has no real family memoirs and he is fine. Fil, mil and step mil still in good health but their time to build bonds have past. One good thing is that my ds has no duty to them and I doubt much urge to form a relationship in their dotage. It makes me feel bitter but I was never my choice to make its theirs alone.

I don't understand why you would feel ashamed or that YOU have massively let them down. If you don't have close family and you are not the reason they are not close then those are not feelings you should be having.

My parents are back in in Blighty, my sibling and 3 DC in New Zealand. DH's family are all within a 5mile radius, 4 siblings and 6 cousins to play with. However, the sibling with 5dc is a nutter and no one ever sees their kids. The sibling with 1 DC is always at her Mil's, pity as their child is just 3 months older than ours and could be really close.

There are also no mass gift exchanges at Xmas/birthdays, no big cousin get togethers at parties etc.

Our DS has tons of friends, lots of other 'onlies' to mix with. And actually since lockdown last year he's been playing Roblox and stuff with the NZ cousins and they have now a lovely relationship although they've never met, and probably won't in the next 10 years!

Kids don't know what they don't know. I don't think DS realises what he's missing out on as our lives are full of other things.

But I know it can leave a sour taste when you see others having big family get togethers

I get this. I have dB and his family which is great, but my parents are dead, and dp doesn't get on with his family so we hardly ever see them.

I also feel really sad for dc that there's no happy family gatherings. It's particularly hard at events like Xmas, bank hols, Easter etc as everyone else sees family so aren't available. Mostly I try to see friends and weekends we entertain ourselves, but when everyone else is busy with their own families that's hard.

I think in your situation I’d try to find some kind of community group to be involved in- a church or a sports club or something. Then you might get a bit of a mix of adults and young people to spend time with. Our martial arts club does Halloween parties for adults and kids and have organised trips also. I don’t go to church any more but when I had young family I did and that was nice to see all ages and do lunches and celebrations etc.