My 14 year old son sexting another boy

I caught my son doing the same thing in discord he is 14 and he already came out to me as bi. I feel like the people he is talking to are older than him and I’m very worried .

Sexuality is a normal part of us all. It should not be regarded as dirty. Because it isn't.

OP you need to get yourself together and take the sexual nature of the messages in stride. Do NOT treat him like he's dirty or like you can't look him in the eyes. Poor kid is embarrassed enough already, the idea of my parents knowing my teenage sexual thoughts makes me want to actually die.

He will be having sex in a few years and you need to get used to that.

It's really good that you contacted the other boy and he seems to be who he said he was. That must be a relief. The hoodie/sunglasses may have been the way he protected his identity as a teenager. That means that you've had the best-case scenario - there's nothing wrong with two teenagers exploring their sexuality like this, no one was being groomed and your son has hopefully had a big lesson/wake-up call about online safety.

FFS it's her little boy and he's only 14 OF COURSE the OP doesn't see him as a 'sexual being', he is too young!

"when hes talking to me about normal things that just keeps popping into my head and I am finding it hard to look at him at the moment"

This is very much your problem.

He's a sexual being. He's 14. He's allowed to have dirty conversations.

Talk to him about the risks (don't give out details of location, person might not be who they say they are, photos can be shared and/or used for coercion) but PLEASE don't involve yourself with the sexual content of the messages. The vibe I'm getting from you is that you think he's some sort of deviant who you cant 'look in the eyes of'

Pull yourself together.

You poor thing though OP you just have absolutely shit yourself

My god OP thank god you found the messages! My money would be on this person being an adult and him being groomed.

Advice from a teacher here: don't focus on the sexuality aspect. He will tell you when he is ready. Absolutely focus on the fact that he exchanged explicit messages and how that's so risky. I'd be seriously restricting his phone - not as punishment but until he fully understands how dangerous this could have been. the NSPCC have some great resources in helping parents educate kids about grooming

It's hard for parents to realise that their children are, indeed sexual beings. But try not to project your own feelings or possible hidden prejudices into this.

Ask yourself if you'd have difficulty looking at him if those messages had been to a girl?

Also, think how embarrassing it is for him that his parents have read these messages. I'd be mortified 🙈

Good luck op .

I'm no expert but I am around teens a lot. I know it's a shock, but don't be too hard on your son. There may have been some coercion going on. (And the fact that the US boy was wearing a hoodie and sunglasses suggests something dodgy to me.) You don't know who was encouraging who and for what purpose.

Anyway, I'm glad you managed to get a hold of the situation and stop communication between them. Obviously, I haven't read the context of the texts, but I would be more alarmed and cross with my DC for not recognising the risks tbh.

Also (as a parent of teens, and someone who volunteers with teens ) there is a lot of "trying on of different personas" at that age, and especially among boys, a lot of bluffing and pretending to be more mature than they actually are.

It's good that your DH is on board and don't be too hard on yourself either. It's the wild west out there in terms of the Internet. It's very hard for parents to keep on top of it all. Now most communication is done via private smart phones, we have very little control over who is influencing our DC. It's bloody scary! It's also a shock when our children turn in to fully raging adolescents with hormones!

In a way, this could end up to be a good thing. Hopefully your DS will come to understand that he put himself in danger and will be more careful in future. And you and your DH will be monitoring things going forward. And you will hopefully be able to keep the lines of communication open between you.

If your son is gay, he may be feeling confused and anxious, and curious, which is what may have led him in to this situation in the first place. It's important he gets his information from the right sources, so please give him the time and space to speak to you. Maybe when the tension over this has died down, invent an errand to collect something, take him on a long drive with a lure of a burger on the way back, then he can talk freely without having to look at you face to face

"some of it was innocent asking about schools"

That's not innocent at all though is it. It's crucial, it's the way in to other children, it feeds them. They love it, that's a central part of the grooming kick they get isn't it?

I think your son is being groomed. I seriously doubt this is a 13 year old boy. I’d remove his phone any other device he can message people on (that includes games consoles) and go through it and delete any apps that he doesn’t absolutely need. I wouldn’t be giving it back either for a long while. . I’d also check exactly how much “innocent” info he’s given out.

I have a boy the same age. I’ll be checking his phone later!

Focus on his safety, not his sexuality.

I agree. It doesn't matter whether he's gay or not. So please don't try to categorise him atm. The main thing to worry about is definitely the possibility that he could be groomed by adults.

I would also add that you need to be going through your DS's phone and all other tech with a fine tooth comb. Including deleted files, history. Looking at every single message that has been sent. I have a 13 year old ds and have had to talk to him about Bret Bednar. A very difficult conversation but it is very important that you talk to him and really listen.

The issue here is that your son has put himself at risk, The other person could easily be a much older predator intent on grooming your ds. It could also be a local school bully who is then sharing all the messages your son sends with everyone else at school.

You need to act now.

You have a lot of advice on the safeguarding angle so I'll touch more on the tech. Does your son game online via xbox or PlayStation? If so it's likely someone he met through a game on there. You need to look through the friends on there for this person too, or if he'll be honest ask him.
If not load discord back up and check through the channels, how is the content on there? Are they appropriate?
If you take away the app on his phone that's fine but discord can also he logged in on a computer so you'll need to cover your bases there too. You should also look for apps called LINE, KIK, BAND and check messages on gaming devices. Unfortunately it seems like most teens are doing this now regardless of gender/sexuality,

In the first instance (given that you've done the very first thing to do and taken his internet access away), I'd want to know exactly how much personal information he's shared.

Does the person he's been messaging know your son's full name? Dob? Address? School?

I'd also make him do some hideous online safety course. (Hideous, as in how excruciating, I know all of this already muuuum).

Then you need decide what do if this other person does have shot loads of personal info.

And then you need to decide what to do loving forward.

I'd be cautious about being too harsh. In some ways, it is a normal way of growing up in the digital age. It's the equivalent of a fumble in the park. But maybe with a stranger in a park known for predators.

You must be upset.

I’d also question whether the person was actually in the States, they may be, but may not in which case your son giving identifying information is very worrying. It’s worth speaking to someone at CEOP, they may be aware of the individual or an ongoing investigation.

Have a look at the ThinkUKnow website, which is CEOPs online safety site. They have excellent resources for parents and age appropriate materials for young people explaining the risks of online interactions.

Texting or sexting? One is ok, the other is illegal. Which one is it OP?

Did your son not think it was strange that the other person wore hood and sunglasses?

Exactly!!

Please diminish all contact with this person (who your son is talking to). I keep thinking about the boy who was killed by his obsessive "friend". There's a documentary on the BBC but I forgot the name.

Did your son not think it was strange that the other person wore hood and sunglasses? That in itself shows his vulnerability. Please contact the police for advice, and state you have fears he is being groomed online. If it is a paedophile/groomer, it's highly unlikely your son is the only victim. Even if its a child, there's no guarantee that their motives are innocent. I wouldn't tell him about contacting police initially, he may panic and alert the other person. The websites PP advised look like good sources of advice. Make it clear you are concerned for his and other children's welfare rather than annoyed at him in anyway. I would leave sexuality out of the conversation as safety is the concern💐

As PPs have said forget the fact that he could be gay.

Sex chat is quite common at that age so there’s a big possibility that the other person is a similar age but obviously they may not be!

I like to watch the show ‘catfish’ as it’s all about meeting people on the internet and quite often they’re not who they say they are. I get my DD to watch it too so hopefully she realises how clever some of these people are.

The rules your son needs to abide by are to never send pics or videos of himself (these can be spread around the internet very quickly even if it’s not a pervert he’s talking to) and to never give out personal details.

Clearly this ‘boy’ is disguising himself. Hope you get to the bottom of it OP

some of it was innocent asking about schools

This is not innocent. This person is trying to find out where your child goes to school/lives. What did your son say in reply?