'You have broken my heart'

She never misses a chance to berate me about it. I did not think she would use my dd's exams as another stick to beat us with about the move that happened over a decade ago

You need to go broken record on this - e.g. "For goodness sake, Mum, people move away from their parents every day without all this drama, it was 10 years ago, get over it".

She's playing the martyr. She is using your daughters exams results as a stick to beat you with. The answer to this is tell her if she doesn't wind her neck in you won't be texting her about anything again. Honestly I have a mother and ILs like this. Only when you find your voice and your boundaries are ever going to be free of this shit.

DD got her GCSE results yesterday and I just told her to make sure she let both sets of Grandparents know and that’s that
Your mother is being ridiculous

Personally I think Grandparents should be the ones to get in touch with a supportive text "good luck today, we think you are amazing whatever your results".

Particularly when both daughter and granddaughter have had a hard time.

Your mother certainly over reacted, after all you did message her. It's ridiculous to expect adult children to live nearby nowadays, they have to go where the work is and where housing is affordable. Mum is stuck in the dark ages but deep down, she knows this.

Just carry on as though nothing has happened. Do send your parents a post card from Cornwall, you can still buy them, and they will appreciate that. Maybe arrange for some clotted cream to be sent to them.

Congratulations to your daughter but also I hope you recover soon, you've had an unpleasant operation, something your mother doesn't seem to have processed unfortunately.

I presume your surgery was keyhole. If it wasn’t, it’s generally around 6 weeks for open surgery. But I still don’t think you should be driving all day regardless of the kind of surgery. Sounds as if you’ve taken on way too much for a long time.

Is your mother the martyr narcissist perhaps? If you loved her enough, you wouldn’t have moved away. She never moved away from her mum etc. Know it well.

Time to stop playing her games. You are not a bad person for moving to provide for your family. I also think you should decompress in Cornwall. She can always contact your teens if she’s worried.

Blimey, we haven't told any of the grandparents yet. Did suggest DD text them last night but she was totally wiped out after volunteering all day and probably forgot.

None of the GPs have texted but we're not bothered by that. If they are waiting anxiously if they would have texted either DH or me.

I think you should have texted them to let them know the results. Your DM is behaving badly and that's on her, but no you weren't too busy all day to send a quick message.

Results day is all over the news, so any grandparent would be wondering how their grandchild has done, and it would be usual to let them know.

Your mother feels bad (about the exam results but also about being older and forgetting things she would once have kept in mind) so she's hitting out at you trying to make it your fault. She's wrong.

Grey rock. Take a break. Establish boundaries and distance. Look after your health. You can't fix your parents, as my dd often says.

Hi mum, I saw your message to dd. the more you attack me for every little thing the more glad I am I’m nowhere close. Don’t expect us to visit for a while after this latest outburst, I’m not your punching bag.
And hang up.

Go peruse the 'we took you to stately homes thread' honestly your mum is following a script. freedom only comes when you put up boundaries and stick to them. I spent 6 months NC with my mum following one of her hysterics. her behaviour has improved markedly over the years but only because she now knows that she cant get away with her crap any longer as it no longer bothers me. Its difficult because you have been trained from a young age to put her feelings first but its very liberating once you break out of the FOG.

Would a 'I presume you were off your head on booze when you sent this' message to your DM go down well?

It's still a major of, the initial external cut is small but they still removed your organs

Well done, OP, for keeping the show on the road after gall bladder surgery which many people find debilitating after feeling awful from symptoms before that. I also suspect you could not have won as this looks like another go for relocating. She's demonstrably wrong with her 'How dare you not remind her' after she couldn't be bothered or chose not to remember your DD's occasion.

HNRTT but was your DM supportive and contact you about your surgery and illness and recovery?

Well done for supporting your DD and hope your recovery progresses.

Leave her to it and let her get over herself. Dd can call her if she wants to. You do enough, you are enough.

But wait for her to get in touch. Sulking should not be indulged.

sounds like a stunt my mum would have pulled too. Theres definitely a weird dynamic with some mothers and it seems to centre on their inability to realise your no longer dependant on them and are an independent adult. they just cant let go and see every little thing that you do where you don't centre them as some perceived slight, its like they are constantly challenging you to 'prove' that they are still the most important person in your world. And when you inevitably fail because you know, life, then they lose their shit.
best thing you can do is not pander to it. Remind her that communication goes both ways as does visiting and if she wants to stay involved in you and your kids lives then she makes an effort too, its not all on you. She will either step up or go NC , both are a win in my books.

If she and your dc's regularly text/speak to each other, independent of you, why should this be any different? Using this an an excuse to "stick the boot in" sounds about right :/

She never misses a chance to berate me about it. I did not think she would use my dd's exams as another stick to beat us with about the move that happened over a decade ago. She sees me as taking my children away, that is the root of it. This probably made her feel worse, but I just don't have it in me to be supervising all contact. I just can't do it. I already feel broken. She would never come and help, and she never will 'because I moved away, I made my bed' apparently. That applied to much more serious incidents than the latest surgery. I know not to ask her for help, the answer will always be no.

Gosh! It sounds as though your mother really dislikes you! I don't usually say go low or no contact, but on this occassion I think you'd be better off, as she's continually punishing you for moving away, and it seems as though she won't change. I'd be tempted to tell her that you'll only see her again when she decides to stop punishing you.

Meanwhile, declare to you children that you're going nowhere for the next week and they need to pitch in at home too, so you can put your feet up and recover from your surgery. I had the same op about 5 years ago, and I was really surprised how long it took to recover!

And she flew across the world to visit us, regularly.

Comfort yourself, OP, that you’ll have a much better relationship with your daughter.