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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'You have broken my heart'

314 replies

stepupandbecounted · 13/08/2021 10:33

I have 3 teen dc and live around 100 miles from my parents. Parents are in excellent health, retired for ten years and late sixities. We moved for context 12 years ago for work opportunities.

I had surgery two and a half weeks ago, a gall bladder and bile duct removal, which not the end of the world didn't come at the best time with dc all at home for the summer. It has been a struggle sleeping and quite tricky with dc all at home and no bus service here anymore. I am also have to WFH!!

We went to visit my parents last weekend, dd was telling her gps all about her A levels, how much is riding on them etc with her uni place and she was nervous. Gps wished her good luck, all good.

Fast forward to results day this week, and Dd is over the moon, she gets her grades and we are happy for her. She spends the few hours screaming and laughing down the phone to all of her friends, whilst I drop other dc to clubs and friends houses. I arrived home with balloons and a gift for dd and I drove to her friend's party and sleepover, picking other dc up on the way home and finally arrived home at 6.45pm knackered and sore.

I then realise my parents haven't sent a message, so I text them to say dd has done really well with exams and is overjoyed before trying to make dinner and sort out dc. My mother replies in a slightly hysterical way demanding to know why I haven't texted her before.
I said I haven't had the chance, I have been driving all day and can't text and thought she would know its all over the news and we only spoke about Sunday! I then get a series of abusive messages from her saying she is so angry, I should have contacted them immediately. It looks like they don't care about dd. How dare I not remind her, and I have broken her heart moving away and now 'ripped out her heart again' by not telling her about the exam results Confused

I replied calmly that I can not be expected to remind everyone of everything. I am permanently exhausted and its no big deal, dd is happy not the end of the world.

My mother is beyond furious and is no longer speaking to me.

Have I done something wrong here? She does not have dementia, she has nothing else going on in her life apart from seeing her local friends, I don't think she is being very fair - I have no idea why she didn't remember. I am only just managing as it is.

OP posts:
SingingInTheShithouse · 13/08/2021 12:26

My mother is beyond furious and is no longer speaking to me.

With that sort of 'me, me, me" narcissistic guilt trip crap, I'd say that's a result

(& I had a DM who could be just like that)

Artdecolover · 13/08/2021 12:26

@stepupandbecounted

Yanbu but I honestly think your daughter is. She was able to call her friends but not her grandparents?

I don't think it occurred to dd as to be fair, she was in shock this was not the results were expecting, we had prepared for the worst. She cried for a solid half an hour with relief, and was all over the place. Once the calls came in from her friends she was packing and getting ready. She is young, and she isn't that close to my parents sadly. I don't think she likes them very much.

Ha! I wonder why!???
Original poster
stepupandbecounted · 13/08/2021 12:25

Yanbu but I honestly think your daughter is. She was able to call her friends but not her grandparents?

I don't think it occurred to dd as to be fair, she was in shock this was not the results were expecting, we had prepared for the worst. She cried for a solid half an hour with relief, and was all over the place. Once the calls came in from her friends she was packing and getting ready. She is young, and she isn't that close to my parents sadly. I don't think she likes them very much.

OP posts:
ChargingBuck · 13/08/2021 12:25

Surely the onus is on her to contact dd? She is an adult and we only spoke about it two days before!!!!!

Yes it is - but that would ruin the passive-aggressive little trap she has set for you.
So next time she starts on at you to bleat "you didn;t remind me! my heart is broken" etc - you have the perfect comeback:
"Mother, I reminded you 2 days ago so stop inventing nonsense.
Now, are you going to be happy for DD, or sulk & ruin your own day?"

Artdecolover · 13/08/2021 12:24

Results day was ALL OVER the radio, TV news and papers

The point is her mother does not feel she should make an effort.

It's all very one way...

Fernando072020 · 13/08/2021 12:23

Your mum*

Artdecolover · 13/08/2021 12:23

@Summerbreeze4

I think you should have left your parents know her results in the morning as soon as she recieved them. Waiting until 7pm in the evening does seem like a bit of an after thought. I appreciate you are busy and recovering but you could have asked your daughter to txt or ring them. It shouldn’t really be for them to ring up to find out how she’d done and easy for old people to forget which day it is, she’s obviously upset she hasn’t been able to congratulate your daughter, get a card in the post? Feel part of her special day.
Old???? They are 60!!!
Hankunamatata · 13/08/2021 12:22

The first thing my parents did was tell me to ring grandma when I got my results 🤷‍♀️

Artdecolover · 13/08/2021 12:22

How very sad.
I recommend the book toxic parents by Susan forward and the stately homes thread on mn.
For now just enjoy the peace ☺

Fernando072020 · 13/08/2021 12:22

Yanbu but I honestly think your daughter is. She was able to call her friends but not her grandparents?
Whenever I got my grades, I was the one letting all my family know. I texted immediately then spoke to my friends. This one's on your daughter and I can see why you're mum is upset at being left out. How is she supposed to know when the results come in? Maybe she didn't want to keep texting/calling to ask when everyone is nervously awaiting?

You have not been unreasonable as it wasn't your responsibility to pass on the info

Summerbreeze4 · 13/08/2021 12:21

I think you should have left your parents know her results in the morning as soon as she recieved them. Waiting until 7pm in the evening does seem like a bit of an after thought. I appreciate you are busy and recovering but you could have asked your daughter to txt or ring them.
It shouldn’t really be for them to ring up to find out how she’d done and easy for old people to forget which day it is, she’s obviously upset she hasn’t been able to congratulate your daughter, get a card in the post? Feel part of her special day.

Original poster
stepupandbecounted · 13/08/2021 12:20

DM has been working really hard to try and make us move back, but dc like it here and don't want to move. It is always a bone of contention.

I would never put conditions and expectations like this on my own dc. It sometimes feels like she 'owns me' I can't really explain it, she makes me feel bad for being happy here, she gets sulky whenever I talk about it in a positive way, so I never speak about anything but her life, because it gets her back up if I do.

I have learnt to literally silence most of my life and not share it with her.

When I need surgery or medical care, I usually tell her afterwards, otherwise she gets hysterical on the phone crying, calling my husband every five minutes telling him what a terrible worry I am to her, calling the ward and crying down the phone to the sister telling them I am not replying (I was in theatre) It was so embarrassing. I am 48.

I have totally stopped telling her how difficult things are, or what hurts me because she weaponises it against me and either tells me its my own fault because I moved here or that I am hurting HER because she worries (her idea of worrying is usually to get straight on the phone and tell her friends about her latest drama unfolding) and she never offers help or real empathy. I am just fodder for her friends to gossip about or I am inconvenient and a nuisance.

There is never any genuine emotion.

OP posts:
Artdecolover · 13/08/2021 12:20

Congrats to your dd rather!

RuthW · 13/08/2021 12:19

She's in the wrong for not contacting her grand daughter to see how things went.

Artdecolover · 13/08/2021 12:18

I think you were very very wise to move away!

Congrats to your dad and take care of yourself - you've just had surgery x

ImprobablePuffin · 13/08/2021 12:17

@PheasantsNest

It takes seconds to send a quick text. I notified my parents whilst we were still at the school collecting results. You have shown them they are not important to you.
Oh do fuck off. OP has done no such thing.
MzHz · 13/08/2021 12:17

@stepupandbecounted

I do think she forgot, and she is blaming me to deflect.
Oh she didn’t forget …

She deliberately didn’t text her gd so she could turn it into another way to hurt you.

Step back. Waaaaaay back

daisyjgrey · 13/08/2021 12:17

Your mother is being a berk.

SpeakingFranglais · 13/08/2021 12:16

@MummBraTheEverLeaking

Is she incapable of picking up the phone herself?! YANBU.
This.

My mum rang on the morning of results day to see how they did.

MzHz · 13/08/2021 12:14

So your mum never switched on the telly or the radio at any point that morning? It was inescapable!

She’s just waiting for opportunities to push you into traps.

She’s let her gd down quite frankly, not the other way round.

Buffoonborisisatwat · 13/08/2021 12:13

old people go a little crazy.

Don't lose any sleep over this and don't let her make you feel bad it.

Original poster
stepupandbecounted · 13/08/2021 12:12

Can someone tell me what the script is when it comes to parents? I have a good idea what it means about an affair.

Is your mother the martyr narcissist perhaps? If you loved her enough, you wouldn’t have moved away. She never moved away from her mum etc. Know it well

This is it, in a nutshell. If I loved her enough, I would have stayed by her side indefinitely.

She will never ever let it go.

OP posts:
ChargingBuck · 13/08/2021 12:10

@PheasantsNest

It takes seconds to send a quick text. I notified my parents whilst we were still at the school collecting results. You have shown them they are not important to you.
ODFOD.

Nothing of the sort has been "shown".
The exam results aren't going to suddenly change because grandma hears about them a few hours after DD does.

Grandma needs to chill her boots & stop using the situation to score Martyrdom Points.
WTF does it matter if she hears immediately, or within a few hours? A sane person wouldn't be making their grandchild's exam results all about themselves.

Original poster
stepupandbecounted · 13/08/2021 12:08

Yes dd replied straight away, even though she was at a party with her friends at the time. Beyond a few texts, that is all that would have happened anyway, just a few hours later....so dm and dd did speak about the results so there is no need for this massive overreaction. We were not having a family party that they were excluded from or that they would visit dd anyway!

OP posts:
ChargingBuck · 13/08/2021 12:06

@stepupandbecounted

The back story is that she has never ever forgiven me for moving away.
Yeah, this is what is it all about. She is feeling a loss of control.

Her reaction was bloody outrageous btw. what a petulant child.
You should not have to defend or justify yourself - your best bet is to leave her to sulk out her ridiculous fury.

But if you do need to, or when she breaks her sulk (so that she can extend her guilt-trip further, likely), she really needs picking up on all of this:

I then get a series of abusive messages from her saying she is so angry, I should have contacted them immediately. It looks like they don't care about dd. How dare I not remind her, and I have broken her heart moving away and now 'ripped out her heart again' by not telling her about the exam results

Phones & message services work both ways.
DD is far too busy celebrating with her mates to worry about hearing from Grandma before the weekend.
You can live where you damn well please.
You are still recovering from a nasty op & need support, not an ear-bashing.

I'm guessing she has form for manipulation & making everything about herself ..?