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AIBU?

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Original poster

'You have broken my heart'

314 replies

stepupandbecounted · 13/08/2021 10:33

I have 3 teen dc and live around 100 miles from my parents. Parents are in excellent health, retired for ten years and late sixities. We moved for context 12 years ago for work opportunities.

I had surgery two and a half weeks ago, a gall bladder and bile duct removal, which not the end of the world didn't come at the best time with dc all at home for the summer. It has been a struggle sleeping and quite tricky with dc all at home and no bus service here anymore. I am also have to WFH!!

We went to visit my parents last weekend, dd was telling her gps all about her A levels, how much is riding on them etc with her uni place and she was nervous. Gps wished her good luck, all good.

Fast forward to results day this week, and Dd is over the moon, she gets her grades and we are happy for her. She spends the few hours screaming and laughing down the phone to all of her friends, whilst I drop other dc to clubs and friends houses. I arrived home with balloons and a gift for dd and I drove to her friend's party and sleepover, picking other dc up on the way home and finally arrived home at 6.45pm knackered and sore.

I then realise my parents haven't sent a message, so I text them to say dd has done really well with exams and is overjoyed before trying to make dinner and sort out dc. My mother replies in a slightly hysterical way demanding to know why I haven't texted her before.
I said I haven't had the chance, I have been driving all day and can't text and thought she would know its all over the news and we only spoke about Sunday! I then get a series of abusive messages from her saying she is so angry, I should have contacted them immediately. It looks like they don't care about dd. How dare I not remind her, and I have broken her heart moving away and now 'ripped out her heart again' by not telling her about the exam results Confused

I replied calmly that I can not be expected to remind everyone of everything. I am permanently exhausted and its no big deal, dd is happy not the end of the world.

My mother is beyond furious and is no longer speaking to me.

Have I done something wrong here? She does not have dementia, she has nothing else going on in her life apart from seeing her local friends, I don't think she is being very fair - I have no idea why she didn't remember. I am only just managing as it is.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 13/08/2021 12:47

2 1/2 weeks lost op and doing all that running around? You're a hero man. I went back to work after 3 weeks post gallbladder and nearly passed out while there.

Your mother's behaving like a knob, enjoy the peace while she has her tantrum.

SilverRoe · 13/08/2021 12:47

@stepupandbecounted

Can someone tell me what the script is when it comes to parents? I have a good idea what it means about an affair.

Is your mother the martyr narcissist perhaps? If you loved her enough, you wouldn’t have moved away. She never moved away from her mum etc. Know it well

This is it, in a nutshell. If I loved her enough, I would have stayed by her side indefinitely.

She will never ever let it go.

But a healthy, decent parent would say it’s about them loving you enough to let you go, to allow you to be your own person - not act as though you exist to fulfil their emotional expectations. I have a difficult mum myself so i sympathise but when i told her to let me go she bloody well did. And for that i respect her.
illuyankas · 13/08/2021 12:45

Maybe she was waiting for you to call in case it didn't work out well, and didn't want to contact you or dd just in case.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 13/08/2021 12:43

Is your DM incapable of talking to your DD? Phone? Email? FB? WhatsApp?

As you said it was all over the news about the results. She could have bothered to find out for herself.

Hope you recover quickly.

PS: Yes, your Mum is being a nob.

Cavagirl · 13/08/2021 12:41

Dd's friends live in the town, and I don't know the parents very well at all. Certainly not enough to ask them for lifts etc.

But your daughter is old enough to ask her mates if their parents could give her a lift, because her mum's had surgery? When I was your daughter's age no way would my mum ring up another friend's parent to arrange my transport for me!!!

OP it sounds like your DD has the full measure of her grandmother. She's not a particularly covert narcissistic either.

Seconding others to say check out the stately homes thread, and consider therapy. You no doubt have some extremely painful childhood memories to work through, let alone her behaviour towards your as an adult.Flowers

Dixiechickonhols · 13/08/2021 12:40

She sounds very hard work. Not unreasonable to think DD would have let her grandma know. Yes you could have reminded dd to let grandma know or called your mum but you have enough on your plate. She should have called DD. My mum definitely would have phoned (she phoned me to enquire how girl who gets bus to school with DD had done!)

Twatterati · 13/08/2021 12:40

Some bloody mother's OP! This is really NOT your problem or issue so please try and let it go and enjoy your daughters success.

I've had very similar with my DM as I also had the 'audacity' to move several hours away. Mine has told me she will never forgive me for doing this and behaves similarly to yours. Naturally as daughters we feel incredibly guilty and they never miss a chance to push that button. It's her not you, and people with parents who don't do this won't ever understand.

Please remember that unforgiveness is "like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies" (forget who the quote is by). The only person actually suffering by not forgiving you for moving away is your mum. Millions move away every year, yet not all mums behave like this.

Either ignore her petulance, or do what's expected and say you're sorry (even if you're not!). I often have to mollify just for a quiet life. Each time it happens I remember the benefit of being so far away!!

Hope you enjoy your holiday and make a speedy recovery from
your surgery Thanks

Artdecolover · 13/08/2021 12:39

Overthink even

LookItsMeAgain · 13/08/2021 12:39

I've only read the first 100 posts but my response to your mothers message would have been "Oh get a grip Mum. It's not always all about you. If you can't stop berating me for being an adult and finding my own way in this world, well then we'll have to stop being in contact quite so often. It's not good for my health when you repeatedly come out with such quality shite as you do. Now, be a good grandmother and contact your granddaughter congratulating her on her results, there's a good woman!"

Please enjoy your break in Cornwall and I hope you manage to recover from your op while you're there.

Turn off your phone and only turn it on again when you want to.

Artdecolover · 13/08/2021 12:39

@stepupandbecounted

She enjoys making herself miserable the most, sadly, and it does make me sad because she is my mother and I do love her. She enjoys misery, thrives on bad news and it spills over into almost every area.

I really wish I had texted earlier in the day, but I can't change it now. And part of me thinks why the hell should I? They are sitting at home without a care in the world, is it so hard to remember to wish dd well?

No it's not hard. Don't overtook it or blame yourself.
Original poster
stepupandbecounted · 13/08/2021 12:37

She enjoys making herself miserable the most, sadly, and it does make me sad because she is my mother and I do love her. She enjoys misery, thrives on bad news and it spills over into almost every area.

I really wish I had texted earlier in the day, but I can't change it now. And part of me thinks why the hell should I? They are sitting at home without a care in the world, is it so hard to remember to wish dd well?

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 13/08/2021 12:36

Your DD sounds lovely @stepupandbecounted.
Please rest more. The DC can kick around home for a little while longer. Can't any of their friend's parents do some lifts?

TheUndoingProject · 13/08/2021 12:35

Your mum feels bad for having forgotten and is lashing out to make it look like you’re the bad guy rather than her. Don’t let her get to and ruin what should be a very happy occasion. Very well done to your DD Flowers

WhereYouLeftIt · 13/08/2021 12:34

@stepupandbecounted

DM has been working really hard to try and make us move back, but dc like it here and don't want to move. It is always a bone of contention.

I would never put conditions and expectations like this on my own dc. It sometimes feels like she 'owns me' I can't really explain it, she makes me feel bad for being happy here, she gets sulky whenever I talk about it in a positive way, so I never speak about anything but her life, because it gets her back up if I do.

I have learnt to literally silence most of my life and not share it with her.

When I need surgery or medical care, I usually tell her afterwards, otherwise she gets hysterical on the phone crying, calling my husband every five minutes telling him what a terrible worry I am to her, calling the ward and crying down the phone to the sister telling them I am not replying (I was in theatre) It was so embarrassing. I am 48.

I have totally stopped telling her how difficult things are, or what hurts me because she weaponises it against me and either tells me its my own fault because I moved here or that I am hurting HER because she worries (her idea of worrying is usually to get straight on the phone and tell her friends about her latest drama unfolding) and she never offers help or real empathy. I am just fodder for her friends to gossip about or I am inconvenient and a nuisance.

There is never any genuine emotion.

The more you say about her, the more I think you should cut her completely from your lifeAngrySad.

I'm being serious. This woman is a total mess of a human, wreaking destruction on your life with a spring in her step and a song in her heart. She enjoys making you miserable. Cut her from your life, she's poison.

Original poster
stepupandbecounted · 13/08/2021 12:33

learnt martyr in you

Yes I think you have a point, when I get busy I am not paying enough attention to that. I do see that could be the case. Some days when I haven't time to brush my hair or whatever, I think what am I doing? People are just going to have to wait. Dd's friends live in the town, and I don't know the parents very well at all. Certainly not enough to ask them for lifts etc. I could have taken it easy, and I could have let them get on with things at home, but they get bored and argue - its easier to drive tbf.

OP posts:
Clymene · 13/08/2021 12:33

@stepupandbecounted

My dd thinks my mother is a covert narcissist and absolutely hates any kind of drama, so she isn't likely to make a big deal out of her results, she is a very reserved young person, and not one to send messages to anyone about her achievements.
Not so covert!
WhenPushComesToShove · 13/08/2021 12:32

I think you have the right idea; less time/ energy allowing your toxic mother to cut you down is so much better for you and a much better example to your kids. Save yourself and save your kids from tolerating this destructive force in your life. Let her sulk 'til kingdom come

MzHz · 13/08/2021 12:31

My mother is beyond furious and is no longer speaking to me.

Result! Enjoy the silence

Let her stew!

tinselvestsparklepants · 13/08/2021 12:31

There's a book on adult children of emotionally immature parents which is very useful on this....

Original poster
stepupandbecounted · 13/08/2021 12:29

My dd thinks my mother is a covert narcissist and absolutely hates any kind of drama, so she isn't likely to make a big deal out of her results, she is a very reserved young person, and not one to send messages to anyone about her achievements.

OP posts:
ChargingBuck · 13/08/2021 12:29

What do you mean by “knackered and sore?”

Well @CliffordMystery, if you weren't so intent on "seeing the point" of a histionic madwoman, you might just have managed to pick up on the fact that OP has just had gall bladder & bile duct surgery.

So a few more things to worry about & recover from than usual - despite which, she managed to remind her mother about the exam results 2 days ago. It's the mother's own fault that she forgot (my betting is she didn't, but couldn't resist finding another stick to beat OP with).

bookh · 13/08/2021 12:29

God this is my mother completely. Except my golden brother and sister moved away and I'm the bloody fall guy for every single thing for them and my DC.

I would almost be tempted to be completely passive aggressive and message something like

I'm a bit worried about you mum. Dd says you didn't remember it was exam day until evening despite her telling you a few days ago....plus you were very rude to me when you know I'm very unwell, are you feeling ok? Would you like me to accompany you to the doctor.

But I'm just cross today anyway!

Hope you get a rest OP.

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/08/2021 12:27

At. 48 you are far too old for this shit. I found therapy incredibly helpful. Cannot recommend it enough.

I also think you should have a think about the learnt martyr in you. Driving your kids around just after surgery because you don’t have transport links isn’t sustainable.

I also have had the same sort of parenting and an inner martyr. With the help of my therapist, I taught my mother how to treat me. When I had major surgery I had to ask for help from other parents.

Your dcs are going out, I presume with other teens. Can’t their parents ferry yours around? And a couple of weeks home isn’t going to kill them. Or walking a fair distance if safe. They have one another for company plus imagine smart phones.

Artdecolover · 13/08/2021 12:27

Honestly, enjoy the peace and quiet.

Focus on your dd and recovering from your surgery.

Don't let this Mar a happy time for you and your dd

kateluvscats · 13/08/2021 12:27

I know I'm missing the point of this whole thread but you haven't had your bile duct removed, have you had gallstones removed from it?