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AIBU?

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Original poster

'You have broken my heart'

314 replies

stepupandbecounted · 13/08/2021 10:33

I have 3 teen dc and live around 100 miles from my parents. Parents are in excellent health, retired for ten years and late sixities. We moved for context 12 years ago for work opportunities.

I had surgery two and a half weeks ago, a gall bladder and bile duct removal, which not the end of the world didn't come at the best time with dc all at home for the summer. It has been a struggle sleeping and quite tricky with dc all at home and no bus service here anymore. I am also have to WFH!!

We went to visit my parents last weekend, dd was telling her gps all about her A levels, how much is riding on them etc with her uni place and she was nervous. Gps wished her good luck, all good.

Fast forward to results day this week, and Dd is over the moon, she gets her grades and we are happy for her. She spends the few hours screaming and laughing down the phone to all of her friends, whilst I drop other dc to clubs and friends houses. I arrived home with balloons and a gift for dd and I drove to her friend's party and sleepover, picking other dc up on the way home and finally arrived home at 6.45pm knackered and sore.

I then realise my parents haven't sent a message, so I text them to say dd has done really well with exams and is overjoyed before trying to make dinner and sort out dc. My mother replies in a slightly hysterical way demanding to know why I haven't texted her before.
I said I haven't had the chance, I have been driving all day and can't text and thought she would know its all over the news and we only spoke about Sunday! I then get a series of abusive messages from her saying she is so angry, I should have contacted them immediately. It looks like they don't care about dd. How dare I not remind her, and I have broken her heart moving away and now 'ripped out her heart again' by not telling her about the exam results Confused

I replied calmly that I can not be expected to remind everyone of everything. I am permanently exhausted and its no big deal, dd is happy not the end of the world.

My mother is beyond furious and is no longer speaking to me.

Have I done something wrong here? She does not have dementia, she has nothing else going on in her life apart from seeing her local friends, I don't think she is being very fair - I have no idea why she didn't remember. I am only just managing as it is.

OP posts:
HeyDemonsItsYaGirl · 13/08/2021 13:19

She does not have dementia,

She's over 45 and this is Mumsnet. OF COURSE she has dementia!

SilverRoe · 13/08/2021 13:19

@stepupandbecounted

She is on line right now and is making a point of ignoring my messages.
Sorry but you’re playing exactly into her hands now. You’ve messaged her, she’s ignoring you. You’re sat there noticing she’s online, stewing about it and posting here. Shes manipulating you right now and you’re buying into it. Unless you need to be on WA turn it off. Archive your convo with her so you aren’t tempted to check her online status (you can retrieve the convo when you choose to speak to her again).

The more you buy in with this attention on her and letting her get to you the more you become a collaborator in this dysfunction. It’s hard to disengage but ultimately will bring you greater peace of mind.

Muchmorethan · 13/08/2021 13:19

OP - I think this completely ridiculous and nasty behaviour has been a wake up call for you.

As it has been said many times on here, you can't change their behaviour but you can change how you react to it.

A teenager is going to prioritise her friends who she has spent the last few years with and the excitement of the day.... and not think about calling someone she barely knows.

Yes, you could have messaged them... but you were busy and still not 100%. You certainly do not deserve your mother's reaction.

How would she like it if you told her that "your heart is broken" as they didn't check how DD did.

I really think you need some boundaries as her negatively is going to affect you and your own family and that's not fair

Alcemeg · 13/08/2021 13:17

Sounds really unfair. But has your mum moved house much?

I remember when my parents retired and moved house, I selfishly had hysterics about losing the home I'd grown up in. My own moves around the UK had convinced me that any move = regrettable disaster. Of course they turned out to be fine. But emotions can run high around relocating. x

pussycatlickinglollyices · 13/08/2021 13:16

@stepupandbecounted

She is on line right now and is making a point of ignoring my messages.
Stop messaging her. Let her have her own silent treatment back.

Don't be hurt by her actions any more.

Gerwurtztraminer · 13/08/2021 13:15

Get thee forthwith to the "Well, we took you to Stately Homes" thread!

Excellent advice on books to read and to vent & chat with nice people coping [struggling] with similar parents. Will help longer term in how to deal with her.

What an overreaction re the results and as for I gave you the best years of my life, now you have to step and repay me. Your mum is a classic of the martyr narc genre I think!

Congrats for DD and especially after what she's been through with bf which is awful for anyone less alone someone so young. Have a lovely break in Cornwall.

Original poster
stepupandbecounted · 13/08/2021 13:15

The only way to change this dynamic is to step back. Let her come to you (it could take months) she will get worse but you need to stop this manipulation

I will, I just don't see why I have to, it would be nice for everyone just to get on and be happy and look after each other. Why do I have to be involved in all her mind games and manipulation. Who even wants to live like this? It is just exhausting.

OP posts:
Iluvperegrines · 13/08/2021 13:14

Is there any possibility she did remember and was passively aggressively waiting for you to call (and so prove your love to her)?
Either way I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong…

Original poster
stepupandbecounted · 13/08/2021 13:11

She is on line right now and is making a point of ignoring my messages.

OP posts:
MorganHunt · 13/08/2021 13:10

Text her this: "call your granddaughter yourself." One is clearly not a toddler and the other is capable of using a phone, so why should you act as a messenger service between them?

Or text that you forgot because the news made you remember all the times your mother didn't give you attention. Shift the blame. Grin

MrsPumpkinSeed · 13/08/2021 13:09

The only way to change this dynamic is to step back. Let her come to you (it could take months) she will get worse but you need to stop this manipulation.
So delighted for your daughter. Hope your recovery goes well 💐

BumbleMug · 13/08/2021 13:09

Sorry for all the typos but you get the gist Smile

Original poster
stepupandbecounted · 13/08/2021 13:09

And the fact she has ignored my previous WA messages, I was simply reassuring her no harm has been done, dd appreciated her messages and sends love etc etc have totally been ignored. She hasn't even opened them despite clearly being on line for the last few days. It is really hurtful.

I think the silent treatment she is now giving me is a form of abuse, and I can't understand any mother would choose to be like this.

OP posts:
BumbleMug · 13/08/2021 13:09

@stepupandbecounted she forgot and us shifting bland to you to try to ease her guilt. As for the hysterics and bit talking to you, I’d take that as a temporary relief and enjoy the peace. Simply let her know she can get in touch when ages finished being ridiculous.

At the end of the day it’s nit your job to communicate between 2 adult relatives who already communicate direct regularly. That’s batshit to even think it’s your job and why women get so stressed trying to be everything to everyone. Don’t fall for it.

Thecurtainsofdestiny · 13/08/2021 13:08

Sounds like an overreaction from her. I don't think I've ever texted my parents about my adult children's exam results!

And re moving away - my son and DIL live 1000s of miles away. No way would I make them feel bad about that. To me, parenting is about preparing children to be independent adults. That's what my son has done - he's happy and that makes me happy.

MirandaMarple · 13/08/2021 13:08

If they were so bothered your Mum should have listened to her granddaughter when they chatted about it and noted the date of the results.

Why didn't your daughter text her grandparents?

MrsPumpkinSeed · 13/08/2021 13:08

Oh my god. I have been here with the manipulation.

Enjoy the break from her. Celebrate with your daughter. She sounds very controlling and self centred.

Original poster
stepupandbecounted · 13/08/2021 13:05

It is a mindset of 'I gave you the best years of my life, now you have to step and repay me' it is a feeling that the bottomless expectations that I need to be crawling over glass to repay her for having me, is the least I can do.

When I was young I had to pay her back because I was an awful teenager, when I reached adulthood it was paying her back for my childhood and now I have moved away and had the audacity to follow my own dreams I have breached the terms of conditions somehow and am exiled. It is draining. I am packing now, and I am not calling her. I am not fixing this. I have done nothing wrong.

OP posts:
GrandmaSteglitszch · 13/08/2021 13:03

People have different styles of communicating - some might text tactfully, some might wait to be contacted.
Both of those could be out of consideration for the young person.
But this gran doesn't seem to be showing consideration for anyone but herself, and has been like that for years.
OP, you would be entirely reasonable to simply think 'silly old bat' and give your mother no further thought.

Have a lovely holiday OP with your phone switched off as much as possible.

RB68 · 13/08/2021 13:02

OP YOU have done nothing wrong, nothing to feel guilt for please leave her to it and stop running yourself ragged. Teach DD to drive and then get lifts with her.

GB surgery even by keyhole should be a 6 to 8 week recovery

Original poster
stepupandbecounted · 13/08/2021 13:00

Thanks Holly, this is what I would have done too, but then I generally don't make other people feel bad if things have not gone the way I expected. I don't feel like I owed anything by others. I really feel it is up to my mum to establish a good relationship with her grandchildren. She could have taken them out over the years, spent time with them, called them every week but she never did. So it is hardly my fault now they are adult and show very little interest back.

There now seems to be total indifference on either side, which has manifested into what happened yesterday. It is not my job to make them care about each other. I did my fair share and more of family parties, holidays and days out to help the bonding process, but my mother seems to think its everyone else's job to pander to her, and she should sit back and wait for the phone calls, visits and flowers to roll in. It doesn't work like that sadly.

OP posts:
MissTrip82 · 13/08/2021 13:00

Self-centred drama queens have some stock phrases like they’re ‘on their knees’ with exhaustion or someone has ‘ripped out their heart’ or they’ve ‘begged and pleaded’ with someone.

They are hard hard work. Even when you love them.

Holly60 · 13/08/2021 12:55

@CliffordMystery

I think everyone seems a bit hysterical in this a description. “You’ve broken my heart” is an overreaction, but I can see her point.

If I knew that someone close to me had important exam results coming that they were worried about, I wouldn’t be texting them to ask until they texted me as if they didn’t get what they wanted they might not be in the mood for questions/might be busy trying to sort things out etc. I’d wait for when they wanted to tell me.

I don’t think someone outside of a direct family with results due should be necessarily expected to remember what day they are either. Not everyone even watches the news or reads newspapers.

I’m sure you could have found literally 30 seconds to text her the results earlier in the day.

What do you mean by “knackered and sore?”

She is BU to not speak to you, but you both sound like hard work to be honest.

I completely disagree. I’m a GP of slightly younger DGC but I definitely keep on top of important events - I would never expect my DS and DD to remind me of every important event in their child’s life, especially if I’d only seen them and had been discussing it the previous week!!

And as to not contacting, I would have sent the following in the morning: ‘hi darling, just a quick message to say I’m thinking of you today and am so proud of how hard you’ve worked xxx’ then later on, if I hadn’t heard anything I’d probably text own DC to check all was ok before texting again, to make sure I got tone right.

It’s called being an adult

Pinkbatrobi · 13/08/2021 12:55

@stepupandbecounted

Sounds like she was looking for a reason to have a go at you as she’s still upset that you moved away

She never misses a chance to berate me about it. I did not think she would use my dd's exams as another stick to beat us with about the move that happened over a decade ago. She sees me as taking my children away, that is the root of it. This probably made her feel worse, but I just don't have it in me to be supervising all contact. I just can't do it. I already feel broken. She would never come and help, and she never will 'because I moved away, I made my bed' apparently. That applied to much more serious incidents than the latest surgery. I know not to ask her for help, the answer will always be no.

This sounds very familiar. Relationships of this kind can be truly toxic. I moved away, to a different COUNTRY, and my mother will never forgive me for "abandoning" her (she was in her 60s when I left, with a very close knit circle of friends and family near her - I followed my career) no matter what I do. I have stopped trying and actually had to force myself stop caring... I suggest you do the same or you will spend a lifetime feeling guilty and thinking of ways to please her so as to be forgiven...it won't happen.
thinkingaboutLangCleg · 13/08/2021 12:50

YA not only NBU, you are being extraordinarily kind and forgiving to your irrational and demanding mother (and I’m usually on mothers’ side). Congrats toDD, and all best wishes to you for a full recovery from your operation.

Now please take a bit of time for yourself, to rest and recover. Flowers