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Original poster

'You have broken my heart'

314 replies

stepupandbecounted · 13/08/2021 10:33

I have 3 teen dc and live around 100 miles from my parents. Parents are in excellent health, retired for ten years and late sixities. We moved for context 12 years ago for work opportunities.

I had surgery two and a half weeks ago, a gall bladder and bile duct removal, which not the end of the world didn't come at the best time with dc all at home for the summer. It has been a struggle sleeping and quite tricky with dc all at home and no bus service here anymore. I am also have to WFH!!

We went to visit my parents last weekend, dd was telling her gps all about her A levels, how much is riding on them etc with her uni place and she was nervous. Gps wished her good luck, all good.

Fast forward to results day this week, and Dd is over the moon, she gets her grades and we are happy for her. She spends the few hours screaming and laughing down the phone to all of her friends, whilst I drop other dc to clubs and friends houses. I arrived home with balloons and a gift for dd and I drove to her friend's party and sleepover, picking other dc up on the way home and finally arrived home at 6.45pm knackered and sore.

I then realise my parents haven't sent a message, so I text them to say dd has done really well with exams and is overjoyed before trying to make dinner and sort out dc. My mother replies in a slightly hysterical way demanding to know why I haven't texted her before.
I said I haven't had the chance, I have been driving all day and can't text and thought she would know its all over the news and we only spoke about Sunday! I then get a series of abusive messages from her saying she is so angry, I should have contacted them immediately. It looks like they don't care about dd. How dare I not remind her, and I have broken her heart moving away and now 'ripped out her heart again' by not telling her about the exam results Confused

I replied calmly that I can not be expected to remind everyone of everything. I am permanently exhausted and its no big deal, dd is happy not the end of the world.

My mother is beyond furious and is no longer speaking to me.

Have I done something wrong here? She does not have dementia, she has nothing else going on in her life apart from seeing her local friends, I don't think she is being very fair - I have no idea why she didn't remember. I am only just managing as it is.

OP posts:
HoikingUpMyBigGirlPantss · 13/08/2021 13:49

When you moved it reminded her that she's no longer the focus of your attention or life and is using the latest episode to continue to berate you and try and restore control back to her. Don't fall for it! If she doesn't call with an apology just don't contact her. Your DCs can contact her if they wish but again they have their own lives to live (although beware of them becoming her flying monkeys).
I sadly have a relative who expected me to care for and ferry around two 90 year olds whilst working fulltime and me having a terminally ill husband. She was most put out when I declined to help but arranged for carers and cleaners instead!
Fwiw mine always used to tell me how tired i looked until i pointed out that my tiredness was down to the phone calls from them at all hours and running around after them on top of everything else Hmm

Subbaxeo · 13/08/2021 13:49

Am sorry to say this but she sounds a nightmare and someone who loves to say poor me and play the victim. She’s making your daughter’s happy day all about her. Would it be possible to let her stew? Or be polite but remind her she can pick up the phone herself? Can you approach your dad? People move away from their parents all the time and they don’t have to put up with this sort of thing so in my opinion, she is definitely the unreasonable one.

CorianderBee · 13/08/2021 13:48

I suppose it wouldn't help to tell your mum DD didn't notice they didn't text and was so overexcited she likely didn't care?

godmum56 · 13/08/2021 13:46

Tell her to do one. Short, simple and effective.

1forAll74 · 13/08/2021 13:46

If your Mother has a long time tendency to this kind of behaviour, you either have to live with it, or pull her up on the kind of mindset she has, of wanting things done her way at all times. Some people do have this kind of issue, embedded in their minds,and are difficult to deal with.

NCwhatsmynameagain · 13/08/2021 13:44

Your mums reaction was obviously OTT and linked to the backstory, but I don’t think it was unreasonable of her to expect you to text her to let her know about DD’s exams. When you get good news you text the family, you don’t wait to check that all the family have remembered by themselves and have texted you first to ask about it. Don’t see how this is different.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 13/08/2021 13:41

"Why do I have to be involved in all her mind games and manipulation. Who even wants to live like this? It is just exhausting."

Ahh, it's not exhausting to her. She thrives on it. She's thriving right now on knowing that you feel guilty. She's feeding off your guilt, your feelings of worry that you are not good enough - she's an energy/emotional vampire.

I firmly believe she actually engineered this.
She did it to "test" you - to "prove" that you don't care about her at all, or you'd have been on the phone to her immediately as she is clearly The Most Important Person in your life.
And you failed the test - because you are a normal human being. But you were set up to fail - she'd have probably been thoroughly pissed off if you had messaged her, and then she would have complained that she wasn't good enough for a phonecall. And if you'd phoned her then something else wouldn't have been right.

I'm sorry she's like this to you. I expect it's been mentioned on the thread already (I've only read all your posts and the first page) but you should look into FOG - Fear, Obligation and Guilt - and you'll see that this is the stranglehold she has you in.

I know she's your mother and you love her - but really, what good is she doing you? Is she bringing anything positive into your life? Or does she constantly drag you down? Might want to reconsider whether it's worth continually putting yourself through that.

Iwonder08 · 13/08/2021 13:39

OP, I have one of those.. Let me guess, she loves being a centre of attention and every event should be about her? I bet she would find a reason to complain even if you haven't had moved 100 miles away. You will never ever be able to make her happy, because frankly it is not your job and most importantly she loves the drama. Ignore the reminders about how she 'sacrificed so much raising you' and how you broker her heart.
On the positive side you now know what not to do to your children when they are adults

Original poster
stepupandbecounted · 13/08/2021 13:37

I think it is supposed to play on my mind, I am supposed to feel pain, I am supposed to be thinking of her - this is the whole point of her ignoring me, so I am no longer focused on my beautiful daughter and the happiness in our home, but on my mother, again.

She doesn't get to create another cloud and ruin this for my child. So apart from on here, I refuse to allow her to ruin this week for dd. If dd hears about this, she will worry she has caused it. and that is unfair and my mother is manipulating her now!

OP posts:
SunshineCake · 13/08/2021 13:36

@PheasantsNest

It takes seconds to send a quick text. I notified my parents whilst we were still at the school collecting results. You have shown them they are not important to you.
Utter bollocks.

I have only just remembered to tell a long standing family friend my son's GCSE results we got yesterday. Some friends I haven't told about his results or my daughters A level results yet. There will be no issue with the friends when or even if I tell them.

Alcemeg · 13/08/2021 13:34

OK, sorry OP -- she sounds like bloody hard work 🤨

RedToothBrush · 13/08/2021 13:34

@stepupandbecounted

That’s the beauty! You DONT have to be! But as long as you’re wishing for everyone to be nice and get along - for her to change basically, and you keep engaging, it will keep happening

Yes I see that, I am quietly hoping for a simple family life where everyone gets along and is civil at least, and that is part of the problem. I keep engaging because I feel like I am being unkind if I don't.

Does that make any sense?
I haven't the heart to ignore her, or anyone.

But I am approaching it from a place of hoping everyone will remain nice to each other, and maybe that is wrong. It is really hard to face the fact my own mother, the person who gave me life may not be a very nice person? It is easier said than done staring at that possibility, because I have always thought deep down she is a really decent person that cares, that but really nothing she does indicates that. The faux sympathy, the stead fast decision to never ever help me in an emergency are not really the actions of someone really kind are they? Sad

fgs this is horrible.

She knows this will play on your mind.

She's effectively said she doesn't want to talk to you. So give her what she wants!

Its not about you not ignoring her. Its about the fact you have other things going on, thats all. And thats ok. In fact thats the way things should be. You should have separate lives where neither of you is beholden to the other.

You ultimately want a peaceful and happy life. How does her dramatics create that environment. Be honest. What are your priorities?

Your mother shouldn't be your priority. Not at this point in either of your lives.

Original poster
stepupandbecounted · 13/08/2021 13:33

My dad has never cared about any of us, he has always told us he didn't want children, so he doesn't have a view because he checked out 48 years ago and no one expects anything else. He has never had a relationship with me, or the dc. He is sometimes at family occasions and makes polite conversation, other than that I don't hear from him from one decade to another despite my parents still being together. It is okay I accepted the absence of a father in the real sense of the world a very long time ago. I did see cling on to the idea I had a mother that cared in her own way though.

OP posts:
DismantledKing · 13/08/2021 13:32

@PheasantsNest

It takes seconds to send a quick text. I notified my parents whilst we were still at the school collecting results. You have shown them they are not important to you.
Oh fuck off
Clymene · 13/08/2021 13:31

Honestly her behaviour is not normal and is completely toxic. I agree you should go to the stately homes threads because she is continuing to be a complete cow to you.

You are her daughter, you've just had major surgery and she's making this all about her. Any normal mother would ask how she could help in that scenario, not accuse you of breaking her heart and ripping it out again.

Nothing you do will ever be enough.

RedToothBrush · 13/08/2021 13:31

OP.

You don't need the stress of this kind of guilt tripping etc..

You said it yourself in your very first post

she has nothing else going on in her life apart from seeing her local friends

Thats what it comes down to. She blames you for this and wants to punish you for it. Trouble is the only way she can is by cutting her nose off to spite her face further.

You are exhausted and don't need this shit. She's done you a favour by going silent. If she's silent you don't have to pander to her.

Just get on with this and let her work out her own shit. She's not your problem to solve. She's an adult.

Original poster
stepupandbecounted · 13/08/2021 13:30

That’s the beauty! You DONT have to be! But as long as you’re wishing for everyone to be nice and get along - for her to change basically, and you keep engaging, it will keep happening

Yes I see that, I am quietly hoping for a simple family life where everyone gets along and is civil at least, and that is part of the problem. I keep engaging because I feel like I am being unkind if I don't.

Does that make any sense?
I haven't the heart to ignore her, or anyone.

But I am approaching it from a place of hoping everyone will remain nice to each other, and maybe that is wrong. It is really hard to face the fact my own mother, the person who gave me life may not be a very nice person? It is easier said than done staring at that possibility, because I have always thought deep down she is a really decent person that cares, that but really nothing she does indicates that. The faux sympathy, the stead fast decision to never ever help me in an emergency are not really the actions of someone really kind are they? Sad

fgs this is horrible.

OP posts:
Eddielzzard · 13/08/2021 13:29

I think she didn't forget, she was setting you up for another failure. If your DD and her are in contact regularly, it's for her to contact her GDD, not you to contact her.

I'd take this opportunity to go NC. Sounds like that's what she wants anyway. Poor her, poor poor poor her.

What does your Dad think in all this?

Rosebel · 13/08/2021 13:26

I think you should have made sure your daughter had let them know. They could have rung or messaged but maybe didn't want to incase she hadn't done well and was upset.
Having said that your mum's reaction was completely OTT but I'm not sure what you can do except just ignore her.
Big congratulations to your daughter.

RampantIvy · 13/08/2021 13:24

Bloody hell! Just seen your last update! Shock

Block her. She doesn't deserve you.

Freddiefox · 13/08/2021 13:24

@stepupandbecounted

She is on line right now and is making a point of ignoring my messages.
She’s enjoys it, she’s gets the role of victim and you the aggressor. Ignore her, change the script.
RampantIvy · 13/08/2021 13:23

Stop messaging her.
What would happen if you temporarily blocked her on all means of contact?

Original poster
stepupandbecounted · 13/08/2021 13:21

We moved 12 years ago though alce it is a long time for feelings to run high, and she isn't a child but an adult with a job, life etc at the tim and she has moved in total around 4 times without any worries.

I am not messaging her anymore.

The last time this happened (I had major surgery on a lung) she didn't speak to me for 18 months!!!! So I am preparing for the long haul now. I can't see what more I can say, and she is obviously gearing up to ignore me again for years. Over this. It is beyond ridiculous, but I can see where it is going.

OP posts:
SilverRoe · 13/08/2021 13:21

‘Why do I have to be involved in all her mind games and manipulation.’ - That’s the beauty! You DONT have to be! But as long as you’re wishing for everyone to be nice and get along - for her to change basically, and you keep engaging, it will keep happening.

IS0D0RA · 13/08/2021 13:20

@stepupandbecounted

Sounds like she was looking for a reason to have a go at you as she’s still upset that you moved away

She never misses a chance to berate me about it. I did not think she would use my dd's exams as another stick to beat us with about the move that happened over a decade ago. She sees me as taking my children away, that is the root of it. This probably made her feel worse, but I just don't have it in me to be supervising all contact. I just can't do it. I already feel broken. She would never come and help, and she never will 'because I moved away, I made my bed' apparently. That applied to much more serious incidents than the latest surgery. I know not to ask her for help, the answer will always be no.

She’s not a very nice person is she? She won’t help you and is punishing you for a perfectly reasonable decision you made about your own life.

I’m not sure why you are encouraging your children to have so much much contact with her, let alone running after her yourself. She’s going to end up treating them the way she treats you.

I’m be going LC.