Page 3 | 'You have broken my heart'

stepupandbecounted · 2021-08-13T09:33:45+00:00

I have 3 teen dc and live around 100 miles from my parents. Parents are in excellent health, retired for ten years and late sixities. We moved for context 12 years ago for work opportunities. I had surgery two and a half weeks ago, a gall bladder and bile duct removal, which not the end of the world didn't come at the best time with dc all at home for the summer. It has been a struggle sleeping and quite tricky with dc all at home and no bus service here anymore. I am also have to WFH!! We went to visit my parents last weekend, dd was telling her gps all about her A levels, how much is riding on them etc with her uni place and she was nervous. Gps wished her good luck, all good. Fast forward to results day this week, and Dd is over the moon, she gets her grades and we are happy for her. She spends the few hours screaming and laughing down the phone to all of her friends, whilst I drop other dc to clubs and friends houses. I arrived home with balloons and a gift for dd and I drove to her friend's party and sleepover, picking other dc up on the way home and finally arrived home at 6.45pm knackered and sore. I then realise my parents haven't sent a message, so I text them to say dd has done really well with exams and is overjoyed before trying to make dinner and sort out dc. My mother replies in a slightly hysterical way demanding to know why I haven't texted her before. I said I haven't had the chance, I have been driving all day and can't text and thought she would know its all over the news and we only spoke about Sunday! I then get a series of abusive messages from her saying she is so angry, I should have contacted them immediately. It looks like they don't care about dd. How dare I not remind her, and I have broken her heart moving away and now 'ripped out her heart again' by not telling her about the exam results [confused] I replied calmly that I can not be expected to remind everyone of everything. I am permanently exhausted and its no big deal, dd is happy not the end of the world. My mother is beyond furious and is no longer speaking to me. Have I done something wrong here? She does not have dementia, she has nothing else going on in her life apart from seeing her local friends, I don't think she is being very fair - I have no idea why she didn't remember. I am only just managing as it is.

Artdecolover · 13/08/2021 15:38

My mil turned up at a party in her wedding dress.
It was super weird and creepy.
Luckily I no longer have much to do with her (25 years of bigotry is enough...)

Artdecolover · 13/08/2021 15:36

Enjoy your holiday
Concentrate on your recuperation from your surgery
Check out the book recommended and the stately homes thread on here
Its not you
She won't change
Alter your behaviour accordingly
X

EL8888 · 13/08/2021 15:36

I don’t think you have been unreasonable especially with your recent surgery. It has been ALL over the news that it’s results day, your mother and daughter need to step up. Get well soon from surgery and congratulations to your daughter! Your mum needs to apologise

My mother also thinks l should do all the running around as l moved further away

Artdecolover · 13/08/2021 15:35

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

Twenty years ago she turned up to my wedding in her own wedding dress

Dear lord! God knows what else you've had to put up with over the years. Put your DD absolutely first and foremost this weekend. Sounds like she's done really well.

If your DM misses out due to her rude, demanding and frankly bonkers behaviour, that's her own fault.

It's got a touch of the miss havishams hasn't it!??? 😯😅

EKGEMS · 13/08/2021 15:31

@Summerbreeze4 @PheasantsNest You really have the wrong end of the stick and if I were you I'd quit while I was behind

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 13/08/2021 15:17

@stepupandbecounted

Exactly anti even if my mother had a phone call at 09.02am she would be annoyed because it was not 09.01am. And even then would choose to say if only we had stayed in xx town she would be actually with us to share the news (even though we lived there for fifteen years and she barely visited) Whatever we do, it is never ever good enough.

So the key is stop bothering I think. Yes it might give her more reason to be angry with me, but at least it will save me a lot of heartache and pain.

Just because she was not the first person my dd thought of when she got the news we have all of this! The first person dd actually thought of was a close friend of hers that has been through such a lot lately, and had great loss in her life, and that to me says everything about the kind of person DD has turned out to be.

Yes, you're right. Nothing you did would have been good enough and the key for your happiness going forward is to stop bothering and pandering to her.

She can leave it as long as she likes - BUT beware "flying monkeys". These will be other family members or friends of hers who will tell you how badly you're treating her, how she's done so much for you, despite your ingratitude - and quite possibly she'll become "ill". Heart problems is a huge favourite of people like your mother - because it could be anything but strikes fear into most people when they hear it.

Your DD sounds like an absolutely wonderful girl and congratulations to her for doing so well under what sound like somewhat difficult circumstances.

phishy · 13/08/2021 15:12

YANBU, don’t contact her at all now. Let her stew.

AntiSocialDistancer · 13/08/2021 15:04

@stepupandbecounted

That is true, they were grown women choosing to have children, and grown women choosing to pick and choose when they offer love etc. I have often had to 'nurse' my mother through various breakdowns as a child, so I do feel a weird parental responsibility.

But looking back I am not sure they were real breakdowns now I know what one actually looks like, more likely attention seeking because having kids is hard sometimes, and she needed to offload/get support/get her fix of poor me.

I am feeling so much better for reading this thread, and thank you for sharing your own feelings and experiences. I am clearly not alone, which is sad really, as we all deserve someone that loves us unconditionally and for the right reasons.

I will restart the therapy and check I am not making subconscious errors in my own parenting (putting others first at inappropriate times, not unlike driving three days after surgery because the kids were kicking off)

I have done my best, that has to be good enough, and now I intend to model what self care looks like to the dc in Cornwall (if we ever get there!) DD due home any moment so I might need to check out of thread for a bit. But thank you, I feel the glisten of tears in my eyes when I think about all the support and care that has been shown to me on here, and all of you. I hope being free of guilt is possible for all of us. Thank you.

I'm absolutely loving a book at the minute called Untamed .

We don't owe it to our children to save them, we need to show them how we save ourselves.

There is no greater way of showing your children that they should care about themselves - than showing them how you care for yourself. I think about it a lot.

And hugely recommend the audiobook.

mbosnz · 13/08/2021 15:00

I have absolutely no guilt whatsoever, despite having moved with my family to the other side of the world.

My number one priority is my children and my husband's (and my own) wellbeing.

Hard as nails? Yes. Had to be, to survive.

I love Mum, I care about her, but on my terms.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 13/08/2021 14:57

Twenty years ago she turned up to my wedding in her own wedding dress

Dear lord! God knows what else you've had to put up with over the years. Put your DD absolutely first and foremost this weekend. Sounds like she's done really well.

If your DM misses out due to her rude, demanding and frankly bonkers behaviour, that's her own fault.

Original poster

stepupandbecounted · 13/08/2021 14:57

That is true, they were grown women choosing to have children, and grown women choosing to pick and choose when they offer love etc. I have often had to 'nurse' my mother through various breakdowns as a child, so I do feel a weird parental responsibility.

But looking back I am not sure they were real breakdowns now I know what one actually looks like, more likely attention seeking because having kids is hard sometimes, and she needed to offload/get support/get her fix of poor me.

I am feeling so much better for reading this thread, and thank you for sharing your own feelings and experiences. I am clearly not alone, which is sad really, as we all deserve someone that loves us unconditionally and for the right reasons.

I will restart the therapy and check I am not making subconscious errors in my own parenting (putting others first at inappropriate times, not unlike driving three days after surgery because the kids were kicking off)

I have done my best, that has to be good enough, and now I intend to model what self care looks like to the dc in Cornwall (if we ever get there!) DD due home any moment so I might need to check out of thread for a bit. But thank you, I feel the glisten of tears in my eyes when I think about all the support and care that has been shown to me on here, and all of you. I hope being free of guilt is possible for all of us. Thank you.

OP posts:

Livinghereinallentown · 13/08/2021 14:52

Congratulations to your daughter. Your mother sounds like a pain in the ass.

Bawse · 13/08/2021 14:47

She’s being self-centred and ridiculous, she needs to stop trying to guilt trip you about where you live. It’s clearly rooted in genuine sad feelings but she needs to own that and stop channeling those feelings into blaming you.

Well done to your daughter. I would communicate clearly and calmly to your Mum that she’s being unreasonable and you’re not going to accept her offloading onto you.

Artdecolover · 13/08/2021 14:45

Your mother is 60?
She could live another 30 years!! (Sorry..)
Well done for muting WA. Social media is so insidious. We are no longer "allowed" to be unavailable.

Clymene · 13/08/2021 14:39

Oh well done!

I hope you get some mental space to go back to therapy. Good therapy - especially dealing with stuff that is very painful (and parents being abusive is very painfully) - is very hard work. But you will feel so much better at the end of it.

I cannot believe that about your wedding. That is astonishingly dreadful

SilverRoe · 13/08/2021 14:36

Wow brilliant going! Well done!

You sound so lovely btw and it seems like you do clearly see what she’s been doing to you over the years. The guilt is so hard but my therapist explained things to me in terms of costs. What it cost me to keep accepting being hurt over and over again and trying to reach out, and what it cost her to keep hurting me (a lot, and it appears not much!). And she pointed out that I have my own life to lead, my own family, career and so on and how much more did i want to ‘spend’ on trying to get the sort of relationship with my mother that she was not interested in having? For me, that actually helped with the guilt because I recognise how much of my life, my energy and my effort has already gone into that situation - and i’ve realised it’s my time now, I only have this life to live and I deserve not to feel unreasonably guilty when the other person doesn’t at all!

I realised i don’t have to carry everyone’s guilt around with me, that their feelings are NOT my responsibility - fucks sake my mother was a grown adult when she had me, as was yours.

Hope you have such a lovely weekend this weekend and enjoy that lighter feeling!!!

Original poster

stepupandbecounted · 13/08/2021 14:35

Exactly anti even if my mother had a phone call at 09.02am she would be annoyed because it was not 09.01am. And even then would choose to say if only we had stayed in xx town she would be actually with us to share the news (even though we lived there for fifteen years and she barely visited) Whatever we do, it is never ever good enough.

So the key is stop bothering I think. Yes it might give her more reason to be angry with me, but at least it will save me a lot of heartache and pain.

Just because she was not the first person my dd thought of when she got the news we have all of this! The first person dd actually thought of was a close friend of hers that has been through such a lot lately, and had great loss in her life, and that to me says everything about the kind of person DD has turned out to be.

OP posts:

mbosnz · 13/08/2021 14:34

My mother refused to speak to me for two weeks after I refused to allow her to insert herself into something very meaningful to my whole family at the hardest time in our whole lives, having given us worse than no support, and thinking she'd been a tower of strength to us.

Most peaceful two weeks of my life. . .

Blackberrybunnet · 13/08/2021 14:34

@AintPageantMaterial

Tell her off! “Mother, you are being petulant and rude. You are a grown woman and you cannot reasonably believe that it is my responsibility to remind you on a Thursday about something that was discussed at length on Sunday. Plenty of Families manage to thrive happily whilst living much farther apart than we do. You were not somehow wronged because we moved house. We are both adults with equal responsibility in maintaining our relationship.”

Nooooo! DO NOT tell your mother off! She will take it even more to heart ... she's already gone off on one, this will just add fuel to the fire. let it go. She is wrong, you are right - she could've called herself (even if she was afraid to contact daughter in case results weren't good, she could've contacted you). There. You can take the moral high ground, but keep it to yourself unless you want to unleash yet more fury!

Ormally · 13/08/2021 14:31

Bloody well done! Hope that you have a lovely holiday and that you feel better before long.

BudrosBudrosGalli · 13/08/2021 14:30

You cannot change her. But you can change the script, i.e., how you react to it. She has actually given you the perfect opportunity to to play her at her own game. Her refusing to respond and get in touch...? Brilliant! Just do not call, email, or otherwise chase her up. Go on your break and use this to either go LC or even NC. Your life will be so much more enjoyable. Your DC know what she is like, take this as another good reason to stay away from this toxic leech. You cut out cancers, she is one of the most long-term damaging.

AntiSocialDistancer · 13/08/2021 14:29

@stepupandbecounted

I can see hear her saying if you don't do as I want you to (insert whatever she wanted) you will live to regret it when I die'

She said that on a loop for the first 18 years of my life, looking back it was deeply manipulative thing to say to a small child. Forcing me to do her bidding so I don't have to live with guilt for the rest of my life, it also made me worry she would actually die or was dying....

So now I am sitting here with her ignoring me. I have done what other pp suggested and deleted my messages. If dc were not out, I would turn off whatsapp to stop the torment.

I swear to God we have the same mother, how have 2 of these been created?!

AllTheSingleLadiess · 13/08/2021 14:28

My ex text me at 10:30 asking if there was any news about results because he'd not heard from Dd. I told him to call her because she's the one who worked really hard so deserves to be the one who announces her results to him. She had forgotten to contact him and I was happy to give her a nudge.

I think that your mum forgot or set you up to be the bad guy. She could have easily text your dd a little reminder to call her "Hope you got the grades that you needed for uni x" would do. Let your mum sulk. She'll be permanently passed off with you

AntiSocialDistancer · 13/08/2021 14:28

@NCwhatsmynameagain

Your mums reaction was obviously OTT and linked to the backstory, but I don’t think it was unreasonable of her to expect you to text her to let her know about DD’s exams. When you get good news you text the family, you don’t wait to check that all the family have remembered by themselves and have texted you first to ask about it. Don’t see how this is different.

The thing is, when you are such a dreadful person, it's very hard for people to think of you as anything other than a duty to uphold. A horrid task to maintain contact.

With every toxic word she says and has done all the OP's life, she's building bricks to block out the love and light into her life. On a happy day filled with lots to do and good thoughts it's easy to understand why she was forgotten about.

No one on their wedding day decides to book an appointment at the dentist. At the happiest moments of my life, my mother is absolutely far from my mind. I want to celebrate them with those who feel joy for me - with the family I made for myself.

People who haven't grown up in poisonous homes just can't understand.

She sounds exactly like me mother OP - and when I read this title I thought uh-oh, what have I done now Most recently, I didn't speak to mine for 6 days and now it's a whole thing . I'm so tired of it all.

Original poster

stepupandbecounted · 13/08/2021 14:27

I am packing up and shipping out. No one gets to ruin dd's happy week, I am waiting for her to come home, and will ask her to consider muting my parents for a bit. DD is not one for a great conversation anyway so that helps. It is usually one line and a few emojis, so very hard to manipulate with so little to go on.

You have all been great at helping me see what is happening. It is hard to see as I always feel such self doubt, and can't work out if I have done something wrong by accident. If it is years that she chooses not to speak to me, so be it. I will continue to be happy anyway, and she can do whatever makes her happy which is causing some kind of upset, even if it is invented for the audience.

I did text her, it may have taken the day but I got there, so it is not like I was ignoring her, and she should have remembered more to the point.

I can't change her, and make her mother or granny of the year, I will just accept that this is the way she wants it to be.

OP posts: