'You have broken my heart'

& just to be clear, definitely step away & look after YOU right now,

my last post was more by way of understanding the dynamics that cause her to behave in this way, know it has absolutely nothing to do with you & is not your responsibility. You can't fix it, you can only change how you respond to it

Please pull away.

You have had major bloody surgery and are dealing with far too much.

Let your mother argue with herself.

Back AWAY.

I still want to hide in the belief she is a decent sort really, when I know she has capacity for kindness sometimes,

I recognise a lot in your posts from my own late DM.

I would say to look deeper. Narcissists aren't born, they are made. Understanding what made your mum into, who she is can be helpful to you in understanding it's not your fault & that she is a damaged & frightened person, not a nasty one.

In my own DMs case it was her slightly older sister dying suddenly when she was only 6 & how her family handled their unspoken grief, lots of attention for being sad & her quickly going from being the youngest of 2, to the eldest of 3 DCs with grieving parents & then being very ill as a preteen/teen & going from little attention to full attention for being ill. She learnt young that sadness or illness gets her attention & so it's ingrained in her to use it, especially when feeling scared & left out, which is often as they don't like themselves very much, but hide it by playing queen bee to get attention to make themselves feel better.

I'd suggest looking at your mums childhood. It won't change her behaviour, but it will help you to understand her behaviour better & so know how to cope with it & see it for what it is.

So she turned up at your wedding in her wedding dress, trying to make the day about her and not you / your husband .

She refuses to help you when you are ill / after surgery because she will not do anything that’s not all about her.

Now she is trying to make DD results day about her and not her GC.

Tell me, OP, did her “breakdowns” in your childhood happen at times when there was something important going on in your life eg Moving to high school, GCSEs , your having a close friend / BF?

If you had stayed near her would she have found something else to beat you over the brow with?

It sounds like she loved you and treated you well when you were young, but that as she's become older she's become more self-centred and blind to anyone but her own needs.

Her behaviour when you are ill, both the extreme and demanding fussing and the callousness towards yourself, is awful.

Demanding obedience and to be the centre of everything makes one into a little tyrant. It's impossible to have anything like a loving mutual relationship with someone like that. Once someone gets to that stage, she could suck up everything you have to give and leave you a dried out husk and she'd only move onto the next person.

You are not a bad daughter. Honour her for the kinder mother she once was, but it's okay to set up boundaries and to give only what you can.

And please relax on holiday. You sound utterly worn out

Your mother sounds a nasty piece of work - that stunt with the wedding dress was truly appalling. Your dad sounds dreadful too. I am sorry they must have made your childhood very tough.

Also - Your kids are bullying you into driving them around when you should be resting!

It’s time for a massive reset with your mum. Yes to therapy, yes to Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. And the holiday is much deserved - just hope you are not driving all the way there!

I can see hear her saying if you don't do as I want you to (insert whatever she wanted) you will live to regret it when I die'

My mother was a very damaged and manipulative woman, though more subtle about the manipulation than yours is, by the sound of it. I I used to wonder if I would feel like this when she died. I don't, not even slightly. It's hard to admit it, but I don't really miss her (miss my dad hugely).

The thing about manipulative parents is that you'll never be able to do enough to satisfy them - never get it right, never be good enough to make amends for the imaginary wrongs you've done or pay the imaginary debt - because none of the causes of their grievance actually originate with you and your actions or with anything else outside themselves, it's all coming from the damage inside them. So you can never make things okay and never stop the guilt-tripping through your own actions.

And if you buy into the idea that you owe them, that you're guilty of ingratitude or neglect, then nothing you do will ever be enough to stop yourself feeling guilty after they've died - you'll think that if only you'd done X or Y, or done them more often, or really meant them when you did them, you'd have been a better child and your parent would have been happy.

You can't fix her, you can't make her happy or make her appreciate you, or stop her feeling resentful. It's very, very sad, and recognising this about a parent is like a bereavement because you're losing the ideal parent-child relationship you still hope for at some level. For your own sake, recognise that, make your peace with it, and then have as much or as little contact with her as makes you and your DD happy - but on your own terms, not hers.

Good luck

Your Mum sounds like she is very entitled and lashed out on you because she forgot it was results day.

However it is your Daughter’s responsibility to contact Grandparents with good news, you said that she was screaming and laughing down the phone to all her friends, a phone call to Grandparents wouldn’t of hurt her.

I am fucking livid reading this. My own shit too.

You are recovering from surgery, you are not responsible for a nasty narcissist.

Do you hear how silly you are?

It is curious that she has acted up like this both times you've been going through extreme difficulties such as surgery, first lung, then gall bladder.
I've seen and experienced this kind of behaviour before and its almost like she's thought this has made you "too interesting" and she's had to turn all the attention back on herself. She doesn't want anyone to feel sympathy for you, that is all reserved to her.
(I know a woman very like your "D" M . She kept the news about a serious car accident from extended family for over six months. They only found out via Christmas cards and called immediately to say that they were so sorry for not getting in touch, couldn't understand why she'd not told them and to ask if they could visit or help. )

You haven't done anything wrong. Your life is yours. She could live hers differently and to be kind and empathetic but consciously makes the choice not to.
You don't have to put up with this anymore.
This IS about your DD coming through a trying time with flying colours. If she really cared she'd be celebrating that. Just like the operations - she can see that as DDs mum you might get some attention and congratulations, but no.. all of that attention has to go to DM, so she has picked on something to act out about.
You said yourself if you call at 9.02 she complains it should have been at 9.01...That is exactly the case here. She has a permanent axe to grind and will do so whenever she can on trumped up charges. The other relatives probably know exactly what she is like and probably don't pay much attention to this kind of thing.
What is it at the end of the day? "I didn't find out about exam results that day until later in the day. Shock Horror. Hold the front page."

I hope you enjoy your break, take time to recover, and treat yourself and your own family very kindly and don't let thoughts of this situation intrude too much. The best response is to use her behaviour as an example of how NOT to live and to be as kind and empathetic to each other as possible.

Congratulations to your DD on her wonderful results

You seem to make the same mistake I do and that’s forgetting our parents are adults too and can communicate quite easily. I would ignore her tantrum and wait it out. It’s not your responsibility to ensure her happiness.

I can recommend Bethany Webster, she writes about what she calls the Mother Wound, really powerful stuff.

You are welcome to ring, text & visit.

You have an equal responsibility to initiate contact -for far too long it has been me doing all of the phoning, visiting and contacting etc -you could have phoned to ask and showed an interest. Instead you gave vile abuse. This is not on -the onus is now on you to apologise and contact us going forward as the current situation can not continue.

Sounds like a bonus that she isn't speaking to you. I'd not bother contacting her.

Yeah expect the flying monkeys. Bat them off unless it's your own kid being used. Mine used one of my kids once.

The longer she's out of your life the more confident you'll become. Time to come out of the FOG.

OP I have a similar DM EVERYTHING is about her! I was at one point looking to emigrate to Canada, not specifically to get away from her but it was a bonus reasons to go. Oh my goodness the drama when she got wind of it, I was taking HER grandchildren away etc. She came to DD graduation and complete ruined it for everyone by having a full on tantrum and ended up publicly screaming at me! I moved just over 130 miles away and it’s heaven! She is kept at arms length now and I’m happier for it. Pack your things up and go to Cornwall and try not to give it a second thought you can deal with your mothers dramas another day! Well done to your DD

Well done for deleting whats app. Expect her to get absolutely furious about it, because you arent following the script. You should be grovelling for her love right about now, so the fact you arent willl probably make her apoplectic and she's likely to ramp it up for a bit in an attempt to pull you back into line.
Expect relatives contacting you telling you how distraught your mother is and how much you are hurting her (flying monkeys its called) Expect a health scare, thats a common one too. Its all emotional blackmail specifically designed to regain control.
Basically your mother has never accepted you are an adult independent person in your own right, its not a healthy dynamic. She feels you owe her your daughterly devotion for all the years she raised you. its bollocks you owe her nothing. As a child we need our parents but as adults we don't , some parents find that incredibly hard to deal with, but that's her issue not yours.
Have a blast in Cornwall, hopefully you will get lovely weather to rest and recuperate away from your toxic mother and her shenanigans.

I think you fail to see that she would treat you with the same level of contempt had you moved in next door to her. She has treated you badly since you were little. You weren't a bad child, you weren't a bad teenager, you are not a bad adult. You are not a person to her, you are merely her ticket to histrionics and attention.

Your mum sounds like a toxic thief of joy.

As if you're meant to live your life according to her wishes. Fuck that. I'd be taking a gigantic step back and having a good think about what she actually brings to your life that's worth keeping in it on a regular basis

You don't have to spend the rest of your life trying to make up for the fact you moved 100 miles away. It's not even that far.

She doesn't bring anything to you at all and is controlling you from a distance with her mind games! Thanks goodness you moved away. Whatever you do, don't move back.

I really think you need to stand up for yourself every single time she tries this stuff on. Tell her you are only interested in speaking to her if she apologizes. You have been a martyr too long.

You haven't broken her heart. She doesn't have one.

Your mum should’ve checked in to see Joe DD did! She sounds horrendous just ignore her

Iv'e just read your thread OP, what an emotional rollercoaster. Please keep coming back to it if you waver and start to doubt yourself, because the advice and support are spot on. You are an absolute SAINT to have tried to keep the peace all these years, probably to the detriment of your own health.

For what it's worth, I was the one that moved away, and while nothing has ever been explicitly said, there is always the narrative that I am the 'selfish' of the siblings

You must also apply some of the self preservation mindset when doing things for you own lovely family. However wonderful our young people are, they are naturally selfish and sometimes have to be told forcefully that Mum is not everyones slave and cannot always drop everything to facilitate their needs.

Anyway I hope that you have a wonderful holiday, have a stern talking to to your family before hand that they need to step up and wait on you for a bit xx