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Original poster

'You have broken my heart'

314 replies

stepupandbecounted · 13/08/2021 10:33

I have 3 teen dc and live around 100 miles from my parents. Parents are in excellent health, retired for ten years and late sixities. We moved for context 12 years ago for work opportunities.

I had surgery two and a half weeks ago, a gall bladder and bile duct removal, which not the end of the world didn't come at the best time with dc all at home for the summer. It has been a struggle sleeping and quite tricky with dc all at home and no bus service here anymore. I am also have to WFH!!

We went to visit my parents last weekend, dd was telling her gps all about her A levels, how much is riding on them etc with her uni place and she was nervous. Gps wished her good luck, all good.

Fast forward to results day this week, and Dd is over the moon, she gets her grades and we are happy for her. She spends the few hours screaming and laughing down the phone to all of her friends, whilst I drop other dc to clubs and friends houses. I arrived home with balloons and a gift for dd and I drove to her friend's party and sleepover, picking other dc up on the way home and finally arrived home at 6.45pm knackered and sore.

I then realise my parents haven't sent a message, so I text them to say dd has done really well with exams and is overjoyed before trying to make dinner and sort out dc. My mother replies in a slightly hysterical way demanding to know why I haven't texted her before.
I said I haven't had the chance, I have been driving all day and can't text and thought she would know its all over the news and we only spoke about Sunday! I then get a series of abusive messages from her saying she is so angry, I should have contacted them immediately. It looks like they don't care about dd. How dare I not remind her, and I have broken her heart moving away and now 'ripped out her heart again' by not telling her about the exam results Confused

I replied calmly that I can not be expected to remind everyone of everything. I am permanently exhausted and its no big deal, dd is happy not the end of the world.

My mother is beyond furious and is no longer speaking to me.

Have I done something wrong here? She does not have dementia, she has nothing else going on in her life apart from seeing her local friends, I don't think she is being very fair - I have no idea why she didn't remember. I am only just managing as it is.

OP posts:
MrsSkylerWhite · 13/08/2021 10:57

She couldn’t call and ask herself? Let her get on with it.

Well done to your daughter and to you for coping admirably through a tricky patch.

Original poster
stepupandbecounted · 13/08/2021 10:57

I do think she forgot, and she is blaming me to deflect.

OP posts:
Original poster
stepupandbecounted · 13/08/2021 10:56

My father watches nothing but the news all day, he is obsessed with covid numbers, there is no way on earth they could have missed it. I don't think they connected the two possibly? I don't know. If I hadn't just seen them then I would have dropped her a quick message to say it was tomorrow, but I assumed she would no.

Her over reaction is so upsetting. I have no idea what to say to her.

OP posts:
Notagain20 · 13/08/2021 10:56

@stepupandbecounted

The back story is that she has never ever forgiven me for moving away.
And presumably finds every opportunity to punish you for daring to have your own life? You've done nothing wrong, OP. I'd be reducingccontact evenmore if all you get from her is blame and emotional manipulation.
Notonthestairs · 13/08/2021 10:55

Your mother forgot and is excusing herself by blaming you.

And/or she was happy to have a chance to stick the boot in.

Either way she seems to be forgetting that the most important thing is her granddaughter is happy.

Let her stew.

tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 13/08/2021 10:55

@AintPageantMaterial

Tell her off! “Mother, you are being petulant and rude. You are a grown woman and you cannot reasonably believe that it is my responsibility to remind you on a Thursday about something that was discussed at length on Sunday. Plenty of Families manage to thrive happily whilst living much farther apart than we do. You were not somehow wronged because we moved house. We are both adults with equal responsibility in maintaining our relationship.”
Perfect Grin
tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 13/08/2021 10:54

Ok benefit of the doubt if DM did indeed not get in contact due to being sensitive to results though if she acted like an adult most of the time and did her but to keep in touch she would know if this was the case. Rather than need every relationship to be spoon fed to her. Also, nothing was stopping her messaging OP which actually blows that theory out of the water.

Still when at the end of a busy day the text is a bit late -in her view - why the dramatics? People have busy lives snd OP has a lot on her plate.

Original poster
stepupandbecounted · 13/08/2021 10:54

My mother texts constantly, for some unknown reason results day was the only day she didn't! She could have at least sent a one line message to dd saying I hope it all went well, we are thinking of you. Why is it down to me? Surely if she cared, she would have remembered and sent her own message to dd.

OP posts:
Fleabiter · 13/08/2021 10:53

@PheasantsNest

It takes seconds to send a quick text. I notified my parents whilst we were still at the school collecting results. You have shown them they are not important to you.
Equally, it would only have taken OPs parents a few seconds to send a quick text. Phone works both ways.
Notagain20 · 13/08/2021 10:53

She's broken her own heart, OP. She sounds a nightmare.

ThinWomansBrain · 13/08/2021 10:53

If I knew that someone close to me had important exam results coming that they were worried about, I wouldn’t be texting them to ask until they texted me as if they didn’t get what they wanted they might not be in the mood for questions/might be busy trying to sort things out etc.
If GP was being that empathetic and caring (sounds unlikely TBH) she could have texted OP rather than the granddaughter.

Notagain20 · 13/08/2021 10:52

@RedToothBrush

Your daughter is 18. Your mother is in her 60s.

Why is it your responsibility to pass communication between two adults perfectly capable of doing it themselves?

Your mother needs to belt up and your daughter should step up.

And you should point out that you aren't their secretary.

Absolutely this
SunShinesBrightly · 13/08/2021 10:51

So she didn’t remember it was results day and is now blaming you because her lack of contact looks like she doesn’t care?

Does she not listen to or watch the news?
Results day was widely reported. Did that not ‘remind her’ to contact her DGC?

Original poster
stepupandbecounted · 13/08/2021 10:51

Knackered as in tired,
Sore because I still have stitches in different places all over my stomach and driving can be painful still.

OP posts:
PacificState · 13/08/2021 10:51

I've got a very good relationship with my dad (as do my kids). He was the second person I told about my kids' results this week (both GCSEs and A Levels in this house). He knew the results about 10 minutes after I did. He's in his 80s and might not have remembered to proactively ask.

BUT, and it's a HUGE BUT, he's an incredibly supportive, loving dad and granddad and we're in touch with him several times a week.

In your case, this isn't really about the results. It's not about whose responsibility it is to pick up the phone. It's not even about you moving away. It's that you have a bad relationship with your mum - maybe it's her fault (her response here does sound completely mad), maybe it's both of you. But that's the bit that needs unpicking. The drama over the results this week is just a symptom of a bigger problem.

Huge congrats to your DD and sympathy on you having to recover from surgery - that's always difficult and draining, let alone having exam stress and work on top. You're entitled to feel knackered and emotional!

AintPageantMaterial · 13/08/2021 10:51

Tell her off! “Mother, you are being petulant and rude. You are a grown woman and you cannot reasonably believe that it is my responsibility to remind you on a Thursday about something that was discussed at length on Sunday. Plenty of Families manage to thrive happily whilst living much farther apart than we do. You were not somehow wronged because we moved house. We are both adults with equal responsibility in maintaining our relationship.”

notaladyinred · 13/08/2021 10:50

Great news that she's no longer talking to you, I'd say. Just put her out of your mind until she apologises.

PheasantsNest · 13/08/2021 10:50

Your mum might have upset your DD if she hadn't done so well. I've always thought it was up to the parents to text family. I had two DC getting results this week and managed to text family straight away.

Shurl · 13/08/2021 10:50

@PheasantsNest

It takes seconds to send a quick text. I notified my parents whilst we were still at the school collecting results. You have shown them they are not important to you.
Bullshit.

Perhaps by not remembering and texting, the grandma has showed how unimportant her granddaughter's results are to her?!

Original poster
stepupandbecounted · 13/08/2021 10:49

Sounds like she was looking for a reason to have a go at you as she’s still upset that you moved away

She never misses a chance to berate me about it. I did not think she would use my dd's exams as another stick to beat us with about the move that happened over a decade ago. She sees me as taking my children away, that is the root of it. This probably made her feel worse, but I just don't have it in me to be supervising all contact. I just can't do it. I already feel broken. She would never come and help, and she never will 'because I moved away, I made my bed' apparently. That applied to much more serious incidents than the latest surgery. I know not to ask her for help, the answer will always be no.

OP posts:
tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 13/08/2021 10:49

@PheasantsNest

It takes seconds to send a quick text. I notified my parents whilst we were still at the school collecting results. You have shown them they are not important to you.
ConfusedConfused

Or DM could text and ask?

Crikey if this is enough to tell someone you don't cate about them how the hell do some people make it through the day?

CasaBonita · 13/08/2021 10:48

Sounds like she is using this as yet another excuse to punish you for moving away.

Clymene · 13/08/2021 10:48

Sorry x post. So your mum does talk to your children? Honestly, it sounds like she forgot it was results day and has decided to shift the blame onto you

CliffordMystery · 13/08/2021 10:47

I think everyone seems a bit hysterical in this a description. “You’ve broken my heart” is an overreaction, but I can see her point.

If I knew that someone close to me had important exam results coming that they were worried about, I wouldn’t be texting them to ask until they texted me as if they didn’t get what they wanted they might not be in the mood for questions/might be busy trying to sort things out etc. I’d wait for when they wanted to tell me.

I don’t think someone outside of a direct family with results due should be necessarily expected to remember what day they are either. Not everyone even watches the news or reads newspapers.

I’m sure you could have found literally 30 seconds to text her the results earlier in the day.

What do you mean by “knackered and sore?”

She is BU to not speak to you, but you both sound like hard work to be honest.

Clymene · 13/08/2021 10:47

@RedToothBrush

Your daughter is 18. Your mother is in her 60s.

Why is it your responsibility to pass communication between two adults perfectly capable of doing it themselves?

Your mother needs to belt up and your daughter should step up.

And you should point out that you aren't their secretary.

Well exactly. And it's not been a secret that it was results day this week either. My mum would know because she WhatsApps her grandchildren. I don't get involved in facilitating their relationship any more because they're teenagers.