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AIBU?

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Original poster

'You have broken my heart'

314 replies

stepupandbecounted · 13/08/2021 10:33

I have 3 teen dc and live around 100 miles from my parents. Parents are in excellent health, retired for ten years and late sixities. We moved for context 12 years ago for work opportunities.

I had surgery two and a half weeks ago, a gall bladder and bile duct removal, which not the end of the world didn't come at the best time with dc all at home for the summer. It has been a struggle sleeping and quite tricky with dc all at home and no bus service here anymore. I am also have to WFH!!

We went to visit my parents last weekend, dd was telling her gps all about her A levels, how much is riding on them etc with her uni place and she was nervous. Gps wished her good luck, all good.

Fast forward to results day this week, and Dd is over the moon, she gets her grades and we are happy for her. She spends the few hours screaming and laughing down the phone to all of her friends, whilst I drop other dc to clubs and friends houses. I arrived home with balloons and a gift for dd and I drove to her friend's party and sleepover, picking other dc up on the way home and finally arrived home at 6.45pm knackered and sore.

I then realise my parents haven't sent a message, so I text them to say dd has done really well with exams and is overjoyed before trying to make dinner and sort out dc. My mother replies in a slightly hysterical way demanding to know why I haven't texted her before.
I said I haven't had the chance, I have been driving all day and can't text and thought she would know its all over the news and we only spoke about Sunday! I then get a series of abusive messages from her saying she is so angry, I should have contacted them immediately. It looks like they don't care about dd. How dare I not remind her, and I have broken her heart moving away and now 'ripped out her heart again' by not telling her about the exam results Confused

I replied calmly that I can not be expected to remind everyone of everything. I am permanently exhausted and its no big deal, dd is happy not the end of the world.

My mother is beyond furious and is no longer speaking to me.

Have I done something wrong here? She does not have dementia, she has nothing else going on in her life apart from seeing her local friends, I don't think she is being very fair - I have no idea why she didn't remember. I am only just managing as it is.

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 13/08/2021 11:16

@stepupandbecounted

Because I moved away, I am expected to do the visiting/running around to try and make up what I have done. She never calls me, I have to call her or we don't speak. I have to visit them, or we don't see them.
Well I'd be putting a stop to the phoning and visiting. She can stew in her own "beyond furious" juices and I would positively welcome her "no longer speaking to me."

Seriously, @stepupandbecounted. What does she add to your life? This passage you wrote makes it clear she deliberately adds nothing.

"She never misses a chance to berate me about it. I did not think she would use my dd's exams as another stick to beat us with about the move that happened over a decade ago. She sees me as taking my children away, that is the root of it. This probably made her feel worse, but I just don't have it in me to be supervising all contact. I just can't do it. I already feel broken. She would never come and help, and she never will 'because I moved away, I made my bed' apparently. That applied to much more serious incidents than the latest surgery. I know not to ask her for help, the answer will always be no."

I would send one text. Just one. 'For ten years I have endured your unkindness. I may have moved away geographically but you chose to move away emotionally. You've made your bed. I'm done.'

That'll either give her a jolt, or, you'll never hear from her again. Both sound good to me.

WetBench · 13/08/2021 11:16

So your mother says she won’t help with any life events or surgery and the answer is always no. Please remember this when she asks to live with you or you provide care. The same answer. No.

SilverRoe · 13/08/2021 11:16

@stepupandbecounted

I am supposed to be going to Cornwall this weekend, surgery aside, and I just want to pack up the car and turn my phone off. I am so tired.
I think you should do exactly that! Mite her, enjoy your weekend, have a rest. She’s only flock to sulk and bitch anyway and act like a toddler so just ignore her and focus on you and your family.

I think after you’ve rest you also need to have a serious think about why you still feel compelled to do all the emotional and practical running after your mother because she can’t accept you moved away.

Notagain20 · 13/08/2021 11:15

@stepupandbecounted

Anger is the healthy and normal reaction to her behaviour!

I am angry, because this is NOT ABOUT HER This is about dd. This is dd's day and yet again she finds a way to make this all about her.

DM can not stand not to be the centre of everyone's universe.

DD had to overcome some huge challenges this year with some really big issues, this was a massive achievement for her, as it has been for all of the teens this year.

You will find a lot of support on the "Well We took you to stately homes " thread on relationships. Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG) is a common dynamic with parents like these
MrsSkylerWhite · 13/08/2021 11:13

Hope you have a fantastic time, you deserve it.
(Don’t forget to send your mother a postcard Grin)

WetBench · 13/08/2021 11:13

Congratulations firstly!
And it shows that your DD doesn’t have a relationship with them as she would have told them herself.
I just don’t get how tou e broken her heart moving away, I mean WTAF. You are an independent adult and I’d tell her tou were moving to NZ to enjoy their complete no visitors policy.

Celebrate with your DD. Don’t chase your mother. Never move back. She is probably smarting from not being able to tell her friends what a wonderful grandma she is controlling your life.
I still don’t get the you’ve broken her heart thing. I’ve had it from others and it’s just bizarre

Coffeegirl87 · 13/08/2021 11:13

Oh OP you're so not being unreasonable and deep down you know you're not, either in what you've done/not done or being angry at her reaction. So, firstly congratulations on the good results DD. Secondly, hugs and a strong tipple for you managing all of this. Thirdly, in your situation my response would be; "DM, I'm sorry that you are upset. I'm sure you will appreciate that everything is very stressful at the moment and I am still recovering from surgery. All that aside I'm not superwoman :) I can assure you that it wasn't a personal slight on you; I assumed you and DD would have been in touch as you have a fab relationship and text each other anyway. Either way I understand you're upset and I'll give you time, am only at the end of the phone whenever you're ready but I will say I don't have the mental or emotional energy to have confrontation about this. Have a good weekend x" Kill with kindness and let her come to terms with you not jumping through her hoops

Original poster
stepupandbecounted · 13/08/2021 11:12

I am supposed to be going to Cornwall this weekend, surgery aside, and I just want to pack up the car and turn my phone off. I am so tired.

OP posts:
Frazzle76 · 13/08/2021 11:12

@RedToothBrush

Your daughter is 18. Your mother is in her 60s.

Why is it your responsibility to pass communication between two adults perfectly capable of doing it themselves?

Your mother needs to belt up and your daughter should step up.

And you should point out that you aren't their secretary.

This.
Original poster
stepupandbecounted · 13/08/2021 11:11

Anger is the healthy and normal reaction to her behaviour!

I am angry, because this is NOT ABOUT HER This is about dd. This is dd's day and yet again she finds a way to make this all about her.

DM can not stand not to be the centre of everyone's universe.

DD had to overcome some huge challenges this year with some really big issues, this was a massive achievement for her, as it has been for all of the teens this year.

OP posts:
Cuddlyrottweiler · 13/08/2021 11:06

Not your job to facilitate her. Her granddaughter had told her when results day was. She should have sent a message of support/luck in the morning if she cares that much.

It actually sounds to me like she knew it was results day but was waiting for you to not contact her first so she could kick off at you.

Your mum is struggling with not being the most important person in every one's lives apparently.

Notagain20 · 13/08/2021 11:05

@stepupandbecounted

AintPageantMaterial spot on!

I am trying not to feel angry with her for being rude to me, for being so unkind but I don't need this right now. We have so much going on, I am just about keeping my head above water.

Anger is the healthy and normal reaction to her behaviour! Anger tells us when our boundaries are being violated, when someone is treating us badly. Trust your anger, don't try and squish it down.

Give yourself some breathing space from her, for your sake and your dd.

Dontbeme · 13/08/2021 11:05

My mother is beyond furious and is no longer speaking to me

Take this as a gift OP and respect her wishes by leaving her to her sulking. I can't imagine not helping a family member after surgery if it was any way possible to. I have less than ideal relationships with some of my family, but when they are ill or need care the least I do is turn up with a few dinners to make life easier for them.

Notonthestairs · 13/08/2021 11:04

Don't respond now. It won't do anything but raise your blood pressure. She's clearly whipped herself up in to a frenzy of self justification.

Give yourself some time off. Tackle it next week (if you feel you have to tackle it at all).

Luannee · 13/08/2021 11:04

She sounds extremely toxic.

Original poster
stepupandbecounted · 13/08/2021 11:03

AintPageantMaterial spot on!

I am trying not to feel angry with her for being rude to me, for being so unkind but I don't need this right now. We have so much going on, I am just about keeping my head above water.

OP posts:
MrsSkylerWhite · 13/08/2021 11:02

PheasantsNest
It takes seconds to send a quick text. I notified my parents whilst we were still at the school collecting results. You have shown them they are not important to you.“

Rubbish. My parents phoned our son on his number because he’s important to them.

Original poster
stepupandbecounted · 13/08/2021 11:01

I suspect the unknown reason is that she was waiting for the opportunity to be a victim again

Any chance she gets she will do this. She is constantly having to be the victim about everything, even a results day. Over the years I have got used to her eclipsing things that were special to me, but my god I won't let her do this on dd's day.

It is such a huge drama. My mother texted dd at 7pm, dd replied with a sweet message of thanks. IT IS ALL FINE. So why the big over reaction??

Dd showed me the message from DM which she never does usually and it says ' this is late because your mum forgot to tell me your results'

Confused
OP posts:
Zeev · 13/08/2021 11:00

@Clymene

Sorry x post. So your mum does talk to your children? Honestly, it sounds like she forgot it was results day and has decided to shift the blame onto you
This is it exactly.
Notagain20 · 13/08/2021 11:00

@stepupandbecounted

My father watches nothing but the news all day, he is obsessed with covid numbers, there is no way on earth they could have missed it. I don't think they connected the two possibly? I don't know. If I hadn't just seen them then I would have dropped her a quick message to say it was tomorrow, but I assumed she would no.

Her over reaction is so upsetting. I have no idea what to say to her.

Don't say anything. Let her stew. She needs to realise that she doesn't get attention for a tantrum any more.
MontysMinions · 13/08/2021 10:59

@PheasantsNest is talking utter bollocks. Your parents saw her FIVE DAYS BEFORE where she was talking about getting her results.

Any normal and supportive grandparent would have text your DD the morning of with something like 'we're thinking of you today DGD and are proud of you now matter what'.

Followed by something to the parents saying let me know how she gets in

Your folks totally forgot to ask and are blaming you.

Spudina · 13/08/2021 10:58

@AintPageantMaterial
Great response

Fleabiter · 13/08/2021 10:58

@stepupandbecounted

My father watches nothing but the news all day, he is obsessed with covid numbers, there is no way on earth they could have missed it. I don't think they connected the two possibly? I don't know. If I hadn't just seen them then I would have dropped her a quick message to say it was tomorrow, but I assumed she would no.

Her over reaction is so upsetting. I have no idea what to say to her.

I wouldn't respond.
Original poster
stepupandbecounted · 13/08/2021 10:58

** know

OP posts:
Notagain20 · 13/08/2021 10:57

@stepupandbecounted

My mother texts constantly, for some unknown reason results day was the only day she didn't! She could have at least sent a one line message to dd saying I hope it all went well, we are thinking of you. Why is it down to me? Surely if she cared, she would have remembered and sent her own message to dd.
I suspect the unknown reason is that she was waiting for the opportunity to be a victim again. On one level she will be absolutely delighted that no one messaged her because she can occupy her favourite role of "poor abandoned mother"!