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Original poster

'You have broken my heart'

314 replies

stepupandbecounted · 13/08/2021 10:33

I have 3 teen dc and live around 100 miles from my parents. Parents are in excellent health, retired for ten years and late sixities. We moved for context 12 years ago for work opportunities.

I had surgery two and a half weeks ago, a gall bladder and bile duct removal, which not the end of the world didn't come at the best time with dc all at home for the summer. It has been a struggle sleeping and quite tricky with dc all at home and no bus service here anymore. I am also have to WFH!!

We went to visit my parents last weekend, dd was telling her gps all about her A levels, how much is riding on them etc with her uni place and she was nervous. Gps wished her good luck, all good.

Fast forward to results day this week, and Dd is over the moon, she gets her grades and we are happy for her. She spends the few hours screaming and laughing down the phone to all of her friends, whilst I drop other dc to clubs and friends houses. I arrived home with balloons and a gift for dd and I drove to her friend's party and sleepover, picking other dc up on the way home and finally arrived home at 6.45pm knackered and sore.

I then realise my parents haven't sent a message, so I text them to say dd has done really well with exams and is overjoyed before trying to make dinner and sort out dc. My mother replies in a slightly hysterical way demanding to know why I haven't texted her before.
I said I haven't had the chance, I have been driving all day and can't text and thought she would know its all over the news and we only spoke about Sunday! I then get a series of abusive messages from her saying she is so angry, I should have contacted them immediately. It looks like they don't care about dd. How dare I not remind her, and I have broken her heart moving away and now 'ripped out her heart again' by not telling her about the exam results Confused

I replied calmly that I can not be expected to remind everyone of everything. I am permanently exhausted and its no big deal, dd is happy not the end of the world.

My mother is beyond furious and is no longer speaking to me.

Have I done something wrong here? She does not have dementia, she has nothing else going on in her life apart from seeing her local friends, I don't think she is being very fair - I have no idea why she didn't remember. I am only just managing as it is.

OP posts:
LH1987 · 13/08/2021 11:42

Wow, sounds like she was drunk.

That is totally unreasonable, if she is like this often I wouldn’t talk to her.

I moved to another country 11years ago, I occasionally get passive aggressive comments from my DF on how the UK is rubbish (which I ignore). I also tell him if he would like they can move here, we do have an excellent health service so it is well worth it 😉.

gobackanddoitproperly · 13/08/2021 11:41

My mum’s dead now but had I not contacted her she’d have texted me with a simple ‘how did she go?’

She wasn’t prone to histrionics, though.

2pinkginsplease · 13/08/2021 11:41

Results day is all over the news. Both mydd’s grandparents managed to text her directly to see how she got on!

Your mother is being a victim of her own selfishness, don’t rise to the bait, concentrate on getting better after your surgery without the added pressure of her making you feel crap.

Well done to your daughter.

ChavDiningHalls · 13/08/2021 11:40

@stepupandbecounted

Sounds like she was looking for a reason to have a go at you as she’s still upset that you moved away

She never misses a chance to berate me about it. I did not think she would use my dd's exams as another stick to beat us with about the move that happened over a decade ago. She sees me as taking my children away, that is the root of it. This probably made her feel worse, but I just don't have it in me to be supervising all contact. I just can't do it. I already feel broken. She would never come and help, and she never will 'because I moved away, I made my bed' apparently. That applied to much more serious incidents than the latest surgery. I know not to ask her for help, the answer will always be no.

OP, I have the same problem. It's rubbish. Flowers
Original poster
stepupandbecounted · 13/08/2021 11:39

I can do an emergency stop so the insurance is okay, but yes I am doing way too much I agree.
Dc have helped at home with dishwasher and cooking, but we live in a village with no transport links, so they rely on me driving them to places to do anything. Dd will pass her test soon, but she has only just started her driving lessons due to the covid backlog.

The trip to Cornwall should at least give me a chance to rest properly, as it is hard to sleep, and every day feels very long!

I am sorry to read about other people's parents being like this. It is the most enormous drain, my mother said I looked completely burnt out and terrible last weekend, and that my skin was dry (the least of my problems to be fair) so surely she can see what the last few weeks have been like, and perhaps help by messaging her dgc herself and not waiting for me to spoon feed information to her all of the time.

OP posts:
ShallWeStartTheMeeting · 13/08/2021 11:38

In your shoes I would ignore her for today, go off to Cornwall and send her a lovely postcard. Grin
Seriously though, it sounds like you and your DD have had a hellish time.
You need to rest and heal. Your mother is not worth your mental and physical health, as she's clearly shown she doesn't care about well being

AwaAnBileYerHeid · 13/08/2021 11:35

I'd turn it around on your mother. Demand to know why she hasn't bothered to enquire about how your daughter has done and say that it seems as though she doesn't care.

chasingmytail4 · 13/08/2021 11:32

I agree with the posters saying she deliberately waited for you to text her and she takes some kind of pleasure in feeling slighted. I really don't get parents like this, my main aim in life is to support my children, not do things that make them feel bad about themselves. I don't believe you can change your Mum's behaviour, the only thing you can do is stop trying or reacting. Take that power away from her @stepupandbecounted. Enjoy your holiday with your lovely children and concentrate on them.

robotcollision · 13/08/2021 11:31

@stepupandbecounted

The back story is that she has never ever forgiven me for moving away.
You don't belong to her. You are a separate being. It comes as a massive parental shock (well it did to me) when DC turn 18 and you realise you suddenly have no control over their happiness or influence in their decisions. But you're supposed to get over that. She shoudl have made that realisation long ago.

Not your responsibility but text DGD to ask her to share the news properly asap with granny who was upset to be left out. We all get irrationally upset when people we adore forget about us, so give her a tiny bit of leeway but don't let her hold a grudge.

RampantIvy · 13/08/2021 11:30

@stepupandbecounted

Knackered as in tired, Sore because I still have stitches in different places all over my stomach and driving can be painful still.
It sounds like you are overdoing it so soon after your surgery. Are you even insured to drive just now? If you can't safely do an emergency stop you shouldn't be driving.

And why aren't your teenagers doing more around the house for you?

Regardless of that. Well done to your DD, and try to distance your self from your mother's histrionics - easier said than done.

And please take it easy. You will slow down your recovery if you don't. I hope you feel better soon Flowers

thanksforyourcommentrandomman · 13/08/2021 11:30

@CliffordMystery

I think everyone seems a bit hysterical in this a description. “You’ve broken my heart” is an overreaction, but I can see her point.

If I knew that someone close to me had important exam results coming that they were worried about, I wouldn’t be texting them to ask until they texted me as if they didn’t get what they wanted they might not be in the mood for questions/might be busy trying to sort things out etc. I’d wait for when they wanted to tell me.

I don’t think someone outside of a direct family with results due should be necessarily expected to remember what day they are either. Not everyone even watches the news or reads newspapers.

I’m sure you could have found literally 30 seconds to text her the results earlier in the day.

What do you mean by “knackered and sore?”

She is BU to not speak to you, but you both sound like hard work to be honest.

Oh fuck off with your you sound like hard work comment, no she doesn't, not one little bit and if you've bothered to read the OP you will see she's recently just had surgery
FrenchBoule · 13/08/2021 11:29

Congrats on your DD results,.

As for your mother- some people don’t realise how hectic lives of parents could be.
I wouldn’t even entertain her except from telling het to grow up.

Lovemusic33 · 13/08/2021 11:28

TBH, my mum would be the first person I called to tell about DD’s results because I know she would want to be first to know.

Serendipity79 · 13/08/2021 11:26

Congrats on DD's results - you must both be over the moon.

Mu mum is like yours - and I've been NC with her for over 3 months now. I feel like a big weight is gone from my shoulders. Despite my older children being an adult and an almost adult, she's chosen not to communicate with them, and not to message them even though its nothing to do with them as to why I've gone NC with her.

She, like your mum used to make out that she knew nothing about their lives unless I messaged her about it - because she was obviously incapable of using her phone to msg them herself. Never remembered important dates of ours, but would remember that the woman who's sisters, brothers, ex wife used to work with her 15 years ago had a random birthday coming up and would send a card! This year my daughter got a birthday card through the post but sent late - its not like her birthday hasn't been on the same date for the past 20 odd years!

The upshot is that they really don't care that she's no longer in touch with them. And I feel much better for not having to endure her any more. I was never good enough, my life choices were always wrong and the relationship was only maintained because I went to see her and I messaged her and called her and kept it going. You sound like you are in a very similar place, which is hard especially as you're in recovery from surgery.

I'd go on holiday, turn my phone off and let her stew. Although I really do like @WhereYouLeftIt's response above as well!

Longdistance · 13/08/2021 11:26

I wouldn’t even grace the stupid woman with a response.

GingerAndTheBiscuits · 13/08/2021 11:25

@stepupandbecounted

I am supposed to be going to Cornwall this weekend, surgery aside, and I just want to pack up the car and turn my phone off. I am so tired.
Do exactly that. There’s nothing left to be said to your mum and you need the break. Just switch off and enjoy your holiday.
Original poster
stepupandbecounted · 13/08/2021 11:25

Thank you for your replies - I have read everyone and feel much better. I no longer think I am the daughter from hell anyway. I am doing my best for everyone, and nothing ever feels good enough. Perhaps it is time to give up and just enjoy my life for what it is - minus the drama and accusations.

OP posts:
JassyRadlett · 13/08/2021 11:24

My mother texts constantly, for some unknown reason results day was the only day she didn't!

I don't reckon it was an accident. She was deliberately staying out of contact so that it could be your fault when you hadn't let her know straight away. She didn't forget.

My grandmother was a bit like this with my mum, except for the moving away bit. Everything had to be centred on her. Best thing my mum ever did was to take her at her word when she was having one of her 'not speaking' performative sulks rather than trying to make it up to her. She behaved better every time my mother did that.

Good for your DD and good for you! Don't let your selfish mum take the shine off a great moment for you guys. You must be so proud of her!

SummerWhisper · 13/08/2021 11:24

Your mother is a nasty piece of work. A childish, churlish woman who blames you for her failings. You probably subconsciously moved away from her rather than to a job and rightly so. She is lazy and is using the excuse of your departure many years ago to neither parent or grandparent. She wants everyone around her to grovel and do her bidding. Please, please take this opportunity to take some peace from her silent treatment, ignore her, temporarily block her even and focus on your recovery and your wonderful children and their achievements. Your own silence will show her that her toxic tentacles haven't invaded and ruined your life for once. Well done for breaking free and being a lovely parent yourself Flowers

Freddiefox · 13/08/2021 11:22

@PheasantsNest

It takes seconds to send a quick text. I notified my parents whilst we were still at the school collecting results. You have shown them they are not important to you.
That’s bull shit, if the gran was so interested she could have taken two seconds to jot it done on a piece of paper to remind her, and then taken 2 seconds to text her granddaughter to find out how it went s
Original poster
stepupandbecounted · 13/08/2021 11:22

Oh stop being so fucking melodramatic!

Grin I would so love to say this!!!!!

I am not brave enough, but in my dreams I say this!!

OP posts:
Mybalconyiscracking · 13/08/2021 11:20

My response would be “Oh stop being so fucking melodramatic!”
I would then await further developments, at some point you have to stop enabling these people.

Planttrees · 13/08/2021 11:19

I am on the fence on this one.

On the one hand I would have either asked my dd to let her grandparents know the results or let them know myself and I am sure they would have been on the phone straight away anyway.

However, it was an oversight and your gps are over-reacting to it. I would have expected them to have asked to be kept informed. Like you said, it is all over the news so would have expected them to make contact.

Original poster
stepupandbecounted · 13/08/2021 11:17

I think I was supposed to live 5 minutes away for the rest of my life so I could be on hand for them when they are older as my brother can't be expected to compromise his career in any way.

OP posts:
Backwaterjunction · 13/08/2021 11:17

Op you are not to blame or anything to do with this and others saying you should have sent a text are idiots, your parents ie gps are adults and if your children are getting A level results they are ALSO adults end of story, two sets of adults that are perfectly able to communicate with each other without involving or blaming you anyone who thinks otherwise are just dumb drama queens