'You have broken my heart'

This post is almost 5 years old!

Hi OP. Is there an update for your thread? X

@stepupandbecounted
My maternal grandparents were like this: they never forgave my mother for moving away and engineered her sister to be the favoured child (my aunt was a fairly big disaster area, so it was a deliberate snubbing). My mother was a gentle and kind woman who adored her family and took a great deal of snide unkindness, which we all could see and tried not to mention.

She found it almost impossible to break away until after their parents had died, my aunt finally behaved so badly that their relationship was utterly broken. After my mother died my aunt was beside herself with regret that my mother had not effected a reconciliation (!), but by that time none of us had any real wish to re-engage with her.

My point is that some people either enjoy being cruel or spiteful, or are so hard-wired to being so that there's no motivation to change. You could move back next door, but you'd still be subject to, "You moved away once, you'll desert me again any time I need you ...". If your only function was to be a domestic servant to your mother in her increasing old age, you could put yourself on the market and be a paid carer for an elderly woman (or man) who'd actually appreciate you.

Don't waste the rest of your life and your family's enjoyment on someone whose disappointments in life are projected onto you. That way lies madness. All good wishes to you.

Just saw the wedding dress post.

You have absolutely nothing to lose here.

Tell her thanks for all the help she gave you after your recent surgery and while you were suffering from gallstones. Remark that it's really a blessing to have parents who are healthy, able bodied, and willing to go the extra mile.

Wish them a happy life.

Most would think the mother of the bride to be utterly batshit.

I really hope the OP puts some serious emotional distance between her and her mother, thankfully she is physically distant.

It is your parents responsibility to contact your daughter.

However, if my daughter had amazing results, I would be phoning my mum immediately to tell her!

The concept of a middle aged woman turning up to her daughter's wedding in her own wedding dress is rather sad. Surely every guest present would just have thought she was weird, attention-seeking or both?

The more you post the more evil she sounds. She wore her own wedding dress to your wedding and told you you looked fat? WTAF!

Huge well done on deleting WhatsApp and enjoy going NC with her. Love your best life and enjoy your kids and knowing you’d never treat them in the same way.

If this isn't narcissistic then I don't know what is.
She will never change.

Your mum is being very unreasonable and I can relate in that if I don't chase my mum, I don't see or hear from her. It gets exhausting!
Your daughter is a teenager who has just got A level results and a uni place. She did not have to contact her grandparents right away. I'm sure she was elated and as you said, consoling friends who maybe didn't do so well. They have done A levels through lockdown and I'm sure the need to celebrate is all the more important for them.
Your mother is a grown woman and if you have given her the date, it's up to her to contact her, not to start verbally and emotionally abusing you for not doing it. It's tough when your mum gets on like this and like I said I honestly understand.
And massive congratulations to your daughter!

OP hope you are enjoying your holiday to Cornwall. Look after yourself. Your Mother should be pleased that you have followed a job opportunity to do better for yourself. There is an old saying 'You don't see the kittens carrying the mother cat ' meaning if you love your children you support them growing up and let them get on with it. Your job now is to support your children and look after yourself. Try to ignore your over the top mother. Maybe even tell her off if you get the chance as PP suggested.

I moved to Australia 12 years ago, at least you only moved 100 miles 😊

I think an evil person is out there somewhere cloning these women as I'm certain you have a younger version of my DM!

If this were my DM and me, it wouldn't have matter how early I called with the news as I would have gotten something like "oh, how I wish DGD were here so I could give her a hug but you had to move too far away...." She would always slip in the sly dig.

Personally, I would go with the PPs who say to ignore her and don't get in touch. You're never too old to learn and she needs to learn this is inappropriate behaviour. Good luck, Op, and I hope you feel better soon.

My late inlaws were the same too ; ' we won't be around for ever ' it's nothing but emotional blackmail. It took me a long time to realize this though and I used to tie my self in knots trying to placate and smooth the waters all the time and still be told it's not good enough !
Don't let them bully you op.

Honestly, I think your DD should have texted her grandparents. They will have felt strongly that she didnt even think to text them all day. Mine lived 150 miles away as a child, I had some disappointment with both GCSEs and a-levels (and other shit going on) but rang mine within 2 hours in both cases and that was when mobile phones were more basic & my grandparents didnt have one.

My late mil was like this , you had to do everything first with her and she never believed that anyone else was more important than she was or busier than she ever was ' back in the day ' . Entitled behavior.
You've done nothing wrong here at all , but she is obviously holding onto a grudge from you moving away and forgets that for teens their friends come first rather than family and not likely to be the first people they reach out to for things or news or whatever. You are still recovering from your op too.
We moved away from family in the past and had similar experiences to this as well. They can't deal with it.
Some people just become old and bitter , sadly.

I think its time you forgave yourself for moving away.

The fact you do all the driving and reminding for years suggests deep down you agree its your job because you moved. Fuck that.

Just stop.

She wants contact, she can call. She wants to see you, she can arrange a date and visit. See if she can actually be arsed.

Hankunamatata

The first thing my parents did was tell me to ring grandma when I got my results 🤷‍♀️“

A levels? If so, you’re 18? Why did your parents need to tell you. If grandma is so important you would have called yourself without a prompt.

The OP doesn’t need to be guilt tripped. Her daughter and mother are adults. She’s not a go-between.

Ah conditional approval, we all hate it. She sounds absolutely unbearable.
You are not the bad guy here.
I really (really) recommend returning to therapy. Bit of a cheerleader for it now, tbh, though it does need to be when you're ready for it, too.

In the back of my mind I can hear her telling me she won't be here forever and I need do the right thing by her.

Gosh, your mother is an incredibly manipulative piece of work! This isn't just an awful thing to say to you when you were a child, it's an awful thing to say to anyone ever. And, you know, bad behaviour shouldn't be rewarded

This most recent incident with the GCSE results sounds like the straw that broke the camel's back, and you are now looking back at other incidents and seeing the pattern. The wedding dress thing

Well done for taking a big step back. Take some time and space to yourself during your holiday and have a think about whether having your parents in your life is a good idea or not. I know you just want everyone to get along, but unfortunately it takes both sides to do that and it's not what she wants